If you frequent cracked.com, you may or may not be aware that some of their most
awesomest articles are written by David Dietle when they're not being written by me.
As Cracked editorial tends to cut out a lot of what we write and add in their own
hit-or-miss jokes, Bogleech.com will be hosting a bit of his writing here that didn't make
the cut. It's this site's very first-ever firstest guest article! No, that doesn't mean you can
swamp me with yours. Go make your own website! I'm not made of megabytes!
Where was I? Oh, right, David's article thing!
|By David Dietle, September 2009
|Tentacled crab, or Lobster Pimp?
That is a yeti crab, or yeti lobster. It is in fact neither crab or a lobster, but a member of
a crustacean family of lobster-crabs called squat lobsters. When not seeking revenge
for one of the most retarded names in the animal kingdom, squat lobsters hang around
hydrothermal vents in the deep sea eating bacteria.
This is the appropriately named "Hand Fish". It has hands and walks with them. Should
fish have hands? No. Even the Incredible Mr Limpet had fucking fins. They are covered
in "dermal denticles" like a shark; those are "skin teeth". They are used for
hydrodynamics in sharks, but on these things, it just makes them more unsettling; a fish
with hands and teeth on its skin.
|They are among us...Taking our jobs, waiting for us to grow complacent
|Say hello to Cinder and Ashes. They are chimps, and they have a rare condition known
as alopecia universalis, which causes all of your hair to fall out. And while hairless cats
are kind of cute, a hairless chimp makes your skin crawl, and is the stuff of nightmares.
Sure, they are just normal every day chimps, but remember, chimps are already pretty
fucking terrifying in their own right.
Sadly, Cinder is no longer with us, but we still have Ashes over in India to reign hairless
terror over the world of tourists. You can see one of Nature's most one sided
relationships here, as Ashes cleans another chimp, meanwhile knowing that he will
never receive the same treatment.
|Is That Plant Staring At Us?
The plant kingdom has it's share of weird freaks, and here is one of them. Its called
Actaea pachypoda or "Doll's Eyes" and it grows in the eastern US. The plants aren't
terribly tall, about 20 inches, but the "eyes" grow to be about a half an inch in diameter.
Guess what? The whole plant is extremely poisonous. The poison is "cardiogenic",
meaning it will stop your heart. That's right, the first thing on the list that will actually kill
you is a plant.
That is a siphonophore, a type of creature of which the Portuguese Man of War is a
more famous example. They are more accurately "creatures", since each one is made
up of a colony of highly specialized individuals instead of being one creature. To put it
into perspective, imagine that your eyes, brain, stomach and every other organ were
their own animal.
|Brain, ask Stomach if he feels like seafood tonight.
|Ancient sailors thought sea serpents were real, what a bunch of reta... Oh.
This is what most scientists think were responsible for sea serpent sightings back in
the day; an Oarfish. They are occasionally fished for, but being that they tend to be
gelatinous, most people don't find them very appetizing, although there is also the
possibility that "ocean monster" on a menu tends to raise a few eyebrows.
|Just what the world needs, deadlier slugs.
Despite looking like a Japanese tentacle rape about to happen, that is a Glaucus
Nudibranch; a sea slug that swims the ocean like a fish, and eats the tentacles off of
Portuguese Man Of Wars. I'll let that sink it; the deadly siphonophores mentioned
earlier in the list? These things eat them. And what's better? They store the
nematocysts; the stinging cells, to use for their own defense. Imagine you could eat
bullets and shoot them out later without a gun; it's kind of like that.
|Its a caterpillar, pretending to be an ant
There is almost no limit to the weird shit caterpillars will pull to not get eaten. Stauropus
fagi (no word on their sexual orientation) pretends to be an ant. The caterpillar eats only
its own egg shell, and defends it by pacing nervously around it. And if something
touches it? It literally spazzes the fuck out, acting like an injured ant which apparently
creeps out the attacker, like those kids in school that would scream and flail while snot
dribbled from their face, effectively driving off bullies who were afraid to touch them.
|Mos Eisley Cantina... You'll never find a more- Holy shit, look at that bug.
Okay, so maybe George Lucas weighed in on this one; it's a stalk eyed fly. This is an
example of Mother Nature dipping into the psychoactive mushrooms when designing
an animal. Those things really are eye stalks, and they get in the way sometimes. Also,
to female stalk eyed flies, those things are like John Holmes' junk; the bigger, the
better. This has resulted in only the flies with the longest stalks reproducing, leading to
bigger stalks... And you can see where this is going. Eventually these things won't even
fly, they will just lay around and please the ladies with their freakishly oversized heads,
while not ever having any depth perception. Or too much, I don't know.
|A spider that grew more head, to make up for a big-ass mouth
Mouse spiders come from Australia. I figured we would get that little anecdote out of
the way, just in case you were going to book tickets there between the start and end of
this entry. They are a little bigger than a quarter, and some species are as dangerously
poisonous as the Sydney Funnelweb. They are related to the awesomely named
trapdoor spiders, and sometimes include "small animals" in their diet (presumably, this
includes mice). And I wasn't kidding; that freaky lump covered in eyes on the front of the
head is to make up for the fact that they have proportinately larger jaws and fangs than
other species of spider.
Oh, and I was just a tad off; there is a species that lives in Chile, which means there is
a chance of one winding up in your produce on your next trip to the supermarket.
|Ten Species Co-designed by H.P. Lovecraft (for nature)
Every so often, it seems Mother Nature outsources some of her creations to other
creative minds. While sometimes the result is beautiful, like the Clouded Leopard (I'm
pretty sure that was Monet's), some life forms look like she accidentally left them in the
hands of Lovecraft.