Written by Jonathan Wojcik
PetSmart 2016!
We looked at
Petco a few pages back, but it's actually pretty rare that their business rival has quite as much worth checking out. That seems to have changed here in spooky '16, with quite a few items just as fun for the human collector as an animal's mouth.
Flatties
I guess "flatties" are a whole category of dog toy nowadays, since Petco had their own take on them. Petsmart's selection isn't as cool overall, but I do love that kooky, grey-skinned mummy.
Squeaky Rat
See, this cheap rubber rat is at least as nice in quality as those sold for human kids to play with or to decorate a haunted house, but with a cute, simple sculpt that isn't so snarly and menacing, if that's how you prefer your rats, and lots of people do!
Skelespider
A bone spider is always a fun phantasm, and this one even has
three eyes! That at least compensates for the six legs. It's an adorable design that only looks a bit weird with a rubber chew toy threaded through it, which you could always cut off if you wanted the tricloptic pseudorachnid all to yourself.
Squeaky Pumpkin
A simple, tiny smile and eyelashes are all it took to make this one of the cutest damn pumpkins I've ever seen.
Squeaky Ghost
The Pumpkin's counterpart ghost, on the other hand, looks more
chill than cute. Almost TOO chill. I am alarmed at the chillitude of this dead person.
Neon Skeleton
This is another "flatty," but with purple bone patterns on black fuzz, it has a pretty cool blacklit goth look and would make great party decor.
Neon Skeletbat
That cute skeleton even has a
bat counterpart, and how cool is the whole IDEA of a glowing blue, skeletal bat with an abnormally long, almost snakelike body? Both make great counterparts, don't they? You could hang them on either side of a door or a bed frame or something. Why just let dogs eat them.
Heart Skeleton
I love when any skeleton is given indication of organs, even just a little red heart. It's both so cute, and so gruesome.
Green Ghost "Flyer"
You're supposed to throw this like a plush frisbee, and the rope knots act as weight to make it fly surprisingly far. You could, however, also wear it like a particularly absurd hat, which I think is the superior choice.
Neon Skeleton Cat Toys
These little bone mice and owls look so cool, I'd just string them up in a garland if I had a bunch of them. Do a whole entire room up in neon-colored skeleton creatures. Does NOBODY care about my awesome home decor ideas involving chew toys?!
Plush Scared Emoji
They actually already sell plush emojis for humans, indistinguishable from this. I'm not the sort who usually cares about emojis, but I can appreciate any stuff toy modeled even indirectly after "The Scream."
Spooky Aquarium Tree
Last year, PetSmart actually sold almost the same tree in a different pose; it was snarling, and holding a different pumpkin in each arm. Now, we know why: it was pissed off that neither pumpkin was large enough to wear on its head, or I suppose AS a head, if you read the trunk as more of a "torso" with a face. I'm glad a peaceful solution could be found without the tree having to rip any more humans in half.
Green Aquarium Monster
This is the kind of monster I started to officially label a "bugbear" last year, a colorfully hairy beast matching no other particular classification. This Bugbear is supposed to be dressed for Halloween, but I can't tell how unless its mustache is fake, and I'd much rather its mustache be completely real.
Aquarium Cyclops
With a round body and one HUGE eye, this counterpart to our green friend kind of results in a ripoff of Mike and Sully, which may or may not have been the intention here.
Aquarium Fly-traps
This is the one that made this whole posting worthwhile, and hopefully, made it worthwhile for some of you to read. Rush out to your nearest PetSmart while you can, if you want a little figurine of a carnivorous plant in your life. The three traps are not only adorable, but their soft necks slightly poseable! Only one remained at the Petsmart I hit up, and none at the other I've been in since. These little guys are selling like hotcakes, apparently.
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