Earnest Evans
 

 

 

  

   What can I say about this game? Pretty much nothing. You're a man with a whip who breezes through a series of very short, very easy stages with no dialogue, story sequences or apparent goal. There isn't even a transitional screen between stages...things just pop straight to the next world after killing a boss.

 

 

 

   The real problem with this one, though, is Evans himself. When you make him crouch, he stays crouched until you actively straighten him back up again. The same holds true for when he goes from crouch to crawl, and worse yet, when he starts to roll. His rolling maneuver can be easy to execute by accident, yet difficult to stop, and a rolling Evans never ever stops on its own, no matter how much damage it takes. What makes this all especially grand is that not once in the game is there any use for this move.

 

   Another obnoxious quirk is how Evans takes damage. Rather than respond to danger with some sort of reflexive seizure like every other videogame hero, Evans can walk right through his enemies - and vice versa - as if they weren't even there, except that his health bar will essentially "shoot" down for as long as the two are in contact, and by "shoot", I mean that it takes one literal second for him to lose an entire bar of health in this manner (luckily, you're given three or four bars per life...though there are no health pickups that I could find)

 

   Damn you, Evans. Damn you and your incessant rolling!

 

The Enemies

(Info on mouse-over)

 

Bats. They do bat things. Flailing roots in stage one. There's just a few of these guys, pacing back and forth in the first level. Really just an obstacle, but it spits arrows. Giant worms that pop in and out of walls in one brief area. Giant worms that pop in and out of walls in one brief area. Giant worms that pop in and out of walls in one brief area.

Fat little echidnas that just walk around. Scorpions can aim their segmented tails in any direction and fire stingers.  Flying, spinning bone things. Flying, spinning bone things. Flying, spinning bone things. I really like these slimy wall-crawlers...but why they shoot what appear to be bowling balls (or cartoon-style bombs) I will never know. I really like these slimy wall-crawlers...but why they shoot what appear to be bowling balls (or cartoon-style bombs) I will never know. ADORABLE skittering spider things! ADORABLE skittering spider things! ADORABLE skittering spider things! These fish just drift back and forth with no real animation. Huge crawling grubs in a short, insect-infested stage with no boss. Huge crawling grubs in a short, insect-infested stage with no boss. Jumping buggies from the same stage as the giant grubs. Jumping buggies from the same stage as the giant grubs.

 Another member of the all-bug level. These guys fly. The last new enemy in the insect stage. Pops out of the ground and shoots beetles. The last new enemy in the insect stage. Pops out of the ground and shoots beetles. The last new enemy in the insect stage. Pops out of the ground and shoots beetles. Beetle projectiles courtesy ground-bug-fungus-thing. Clouds of skulls that swing in and out of the background. Clouds of skulls that swing in and out of the background. These guys attack you on a train.

Bubbly eyeball-clusters that constantly change shape. Bubbly eyeball-clusters that constantly change shape. Bubbly eyeball-clusters that constantly change shape. When close, the eyeball-clumps extend a chain of sillier-looking eyeballs and flail it around...I'm not sure what this is supposed to mean. Swarming mosquitos from the jungle stage. Swarming mosquitos from the jungle stage These flowers spit yellow spheres. Boring knife-guys. Cool little fish that can't be seen in their muddy water until they latch onto you and drain health. Neat-looking insects, but not animated. They fly in a straight line with no visible wings. Airplanes from the train stage. They shoot missiles from the background. IRRITATING rock snakes. They fly, swarm around you and prevent you from going anywhere.

Firebreathing, spike-shooting giant turtles! Firebreathing, spike-shooting giant turtles!

 

THE BOSSES
 

The first boss is nothing but a green fireball thing that flies

 around while you stand inside a spinning ring of skulls.

 

   The second boss, and one of the few interesting ones, is a giant, immobile insect that sends out swarms of cute, purple bees. When the body is destroyed, the head floats around and sprays needles in every direction.

 

   Boss three is an orb and two arms lodged in a wall.

If I paid to see this boss, I would ask for my money back.

 

Another boss is some dancing man that spins around and fires

 electricity. Or fire. I don't really remember because I don't care.

 
   In an extremely short train level on a mountain of coal lurks the worst boss ever put into a game. Really now, who thought a fire-blowing cloud of inanimate soot would be exciting by any stretch of the imagination?

   The fourth boss is actually a guy in a little red airship, but do you really need to see a guy in a little red airship? I'm going to assume you don't, and skip right to boss #5. Its graininess may fool you into thinking I've missed a pose, but trust me, it fights exclusively at an angle, stomping back and forth along a flight of stairs while miniature versions just sort of tumble from the sky and bounce away.

 

   The first of two bosses in the jungles of mongolia, this immense armored worm thing floats through the air and can chase you all the way back through the stage before you can kill it. Of course, like nearly all the other stages, this takes less than twenty seconds.

 
   The second jungle boss is just one of the normal plant enemies on a thorny green stem that instantly branches into a whole bouquet that keeps changing its configuration. Almost as pointless as the soot cloud boss, but at least this one is alive.

 

   After running (or, more likely, uncontrollably rolling) through a short stage consisting solely of deadly boulders and crazy flying rock-snakes, you'll inexplicably appear deep beneath the sea, falling through the water as you fight this admittedly cool-looking fish that shields itself with a ring gooey eggs.

 
   The first of three bosses in the final stage is a floating ball skulls (not animated) that endlessly generates flying eyeballs. When destroyed, it leaves behind dozens of eyes at once, but they will quickly fade away as they chase you.
   The second end-boss is a giant, hovering monk that either rains down clouds or breathes fire, and takes on a demonic form as he approaches death. Still pretty boring, though.

 
   A inexplicable as the rest of the game, your final opponent is this weird-ass floating object with a mechanical head and two stretchy tentacles. Apparently it's some sort of dragon, or something.
 

 

AIM / Yahoo: Scythemantis

Email / MSN: bogleech@hotmail.com

 
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