Cosmo Police Galivan II

The sequel to a little-known NES game, this "beatemup" side-scroller is slow and tedious with a terrible soundtrack and completely uninspired gameplay. Remarkably, it has only four enemy types across twelve stages, but at least one of them is imaginative. The bosses, too, are a reasonably interesting lot. You can choose between three heroes - Galivan, Queen Bee and Metalhawk - but they're all basically the same and completely uninteresting.

ENEMIES

The Shade is your basic humanoid foe. They come in an assortment of colors, but use the same clawing, leaping attack plan. They sometimes enter battle by oozing up out of the ground, which I guess is sort of interesting.

Ogers (their spelling, not mine) are as slow-moving but powerful as you probably guessed, also coming in an array of colors. Though they use the same attacks, every Oger color behaves differently. These tan-colored guys constantly punch the air, making them tough to approach. Green Ogers imitate your actions, blue Ogers love their club attack, and red Ogers are the most highly aggressive.

Borg, in my opinion, are the game's most boring enemy, but they're also the toughest to beat and do a massive amount of damage with their energy attacks.

The last enemy introduced in this damn game is also the primary reason I bothered to create this page. GREADERS are the only enemy with no alternate colors and curiously boast the most painstakingly detailed graphics in the entire game. Vaguely reminiscent of the Martians from the first War of the Worlds film (not the Spielberg one, kids. Do your homework!), these googly-eyed, ostrich-legged weirdos attack with both their amazing stingers and a slow-moving, short-range energy ball. When standing, their stingers slowly wiggle back and forth. Hee!

BOSSES

The first boss of Cosmo Police is a giant, cybernetic-looking face that spits out long-armed mutants known as Mamon. Three of these creatures are fought in procession, and the face will take damage as each is defeated. All three attack by swinging their long, stretchy arms and whipping with their needle-like hair, but the second Mamon also wields a gruesome spitting move and the third can pluck explosive warts from its back.

The pumpkin-faced Psycho Crown (sic) is master of the carnival-like second stage. He attacks either by spinning or by throwing one of his swords, and constantly walks away from you. Compared to Greader, Psycho Crown looks like a graphic from some totally different game.

You would never guess that a freaky, lanky frog-man is actually more powerful than the final boss, but Mirage Beast is without a doubt the biggest challenge in the game. That isn't saying much, but his speedy leaping can make him a pain in the ass to hit.

Stage four appears to take place within the body of some massive, unknown monster, and its core is guarded by a big, ugly gas-bag baby named Henzo. He will constantly leap off-screen only to come crashing down, creating a shockwave that damages and briefly stuns. He can also hunker down and spray poison from his back.

Final boss Glouvuss is actually the easiest boss in the game. He's also the most human, and therefore the least interesting. He'll attack with his sword and shield until his armor is broken, then attack with his mutant arm will teleporting all over the damn place.

PLACES OF INTEREST

While the rest are boring, ugly cityscapes, half of this game's stages are actually pretty awesome. Here's a look at the more imaginative sights this bland adventure has to offer:

The second level begins with a giant, demonic carousel where you first encounter the Greaders! The stage has some of the game's only tolerable music, but only because it fits with the theme by being subtly carnival-like. It's still fairly terrible music.

The fourth stage takes you through a tooth-lined throat, veiny heart chambers and finally an eyeball-ridden brain-scape where you square off against Henzo!

Outside Glouvuss' lair in the first half of stage five is either a graveyard or ruined city (whatever those are in the background) swarming with what appear to be the ghosts of cybernetic fish. Easily my favorite thing in the game after GREADER.

Inside Glouvuss' castle are some neat-looking alien statues, and the final boss room is flanked by large but completely immobile snake-tailed guards.