CROOKED SPINE:

THESE SAVINGSavings...avings...avings... W-W-W-WON'T LAST!!!!

Some of the "indispensable products" offered by the spinal column include:

-A reeking, moldy gym sock.

-An incredibly stale, hardened donut.

-A dried clam glued to a champagne cork, with too many googly eyes.

-A gnawed rubber dog bone, somehow still shiny and slick with fresh saliva.

-One of those drinking bird novelties, sans the legs.

-A jar of the plastic rings you tear off of milk cartons. Do those have a name? They're all the same color and there seems to be a little bit of liquid in the bottom. It smells like formaldehyde.

-A very old, dirty iron with no cord.

-A box that says "HAPPIE! WORT!!"

-A gun, which on closer inspection, is unloaded and has no trigger.

-A pill bottle with a picture of a crab louse on it.

-A cheap kid's meal toy of a hamburger strangling a chicken carcass. You fuzzily remember a commercial for this one. You press the hat and the arms spin around, emitting the sound of a braying donkey. The place that sold these disappeared from your area as abruptly and mysteriously as it appeared.

-An assortment of even more useless, miscellaneous rubbish including a broken slinky, a kitchen sponge, a clown nose, many pieces of paper, shreds of cardboard, leaves from fake plants, and chewed gum.

Great.