SAMPLE #: H00129


Sample H00129 resembles an anthropogenic colorectal polyp, genetic analysis identifying tissues from a human male in no known database. The external structure of the mass resemble that of an enlarged tubular adenoma, with a bulbous upper crown and a stem formed from human intestinal tissue. Numerous smaller retention cysts, tubular mucus glands and hollow sacs of unknown function populate the interior.

Where a colorectal polyp would normally connect with the surrounding digestive tissues, H00129 forks into a pair of terminal projections filled with coils of functional muscular tissue, utilized by the specimen as locomotive and manipulatory appendages. Locomotive capabilities are surprisingly sophisticated, with the sample escaping confinement and eluding capture for extended periods of time on three known occasions. The sample has in all instances of escape willingly returned to its containment center and assured stationed agents that it was, quote, "just keepin ya on your toes."

The sample is capable of sight, smell, taste, hearing, fazzing and schumpuling by unknown means, all senses seemingly tied to its upper globulation. These senses themselves exhibit no otherwise oustanding capabilities. Not seemingly tied to its identifiable senses is the specimen's heightened awareness of both the proximity and condition of the human colonary tract, able to determine the precise coordinates, age, sex, health and even past medical history of all living colonary tracts within a spherical radius of ██ km, regardless of all physical barriers or even psychoshielding. The sample frequently offers advice, questions and criticisms relating to colons within its sphere of detection, and often expresses an interest in "getting to know them better."

It is not presently known what would occur should H00129 be permitted internal access to a living host. Its cryptic, deflective answers and obvious attempts to stifle laughter lend credence to our assumption that the results could represent a biohazardous containment breach.


On 00/8V/71 sample H00129 escaped into the facility septic system and navigated to the body of agent ██████ via the level 12Q restroom facilities. ███ incomplete instances of H00129 were subsequently excised from the subject, demonstrating only rudimentary consciousness and repeating fragmented snippets of dialog from past interviews with the specimen. H00129 was not found present in the subject.

Off-site agent ████ subsequently complained of gastro-intestinal distress and an additional ██ vestigial instances of the sample were removed from the new subject. This sequence of events proceeded through agent ████, Doctor ████ and site chef ██████ before H00129 emerged from sanitation engineer █████ ████ and returned once more to containment, stating it had "gotten bored." Interrogated as to how it seemingly transported itself directly and instantaneously from host to host, it offered an uncharacteristically concise answer, explaining that [quote] "yer plumbing's all connected on one zone or another. You should try it sometime, sure beats walkin' everywhere!"