The Cast Thus Far


Referred to by readers as Miss Green until the reveal of her name, Fern is our "player character," her actions driven at least in part by reader comments. Fern is the mother of an infant boy who suffered a persistent, unidentifiable illness, and the next thing she knew, she had awoken alone in a grotesquely twisted medical facility, surrounded by monsters. All she wants now is to find her son and get back to the real world.


The tiny son of Doctor Circula Tori (see below), Willis instantly warmed up to Fern and is aware of something terribly wrong with the Hospital. Unfortunately, his mother and the rest of the staff don't take him so seriously...or perhaps something is preventing them?


A mysterious cacophony of disconnected, sometimes contradictory voices murmuring away in the back of our heroine's subconscious. Sometimes helpful, sometimes not so much. Sometimes just plain weird. Fern is heavily influenced by your advice, but she's not your mindless puppet, either.


The first human patient Fern ever encountered didn't turn out to be terribly nice, but did offer a needed glimpse into the background workings of our adventure.


Human patients in the hospital seem to transform into monstrosities colloquially known as "Slobs" when killed or sufficiently injured. EYESLOB was once an instance of Jay, but doesn't really seem so bad.


Doctor H.M. Phage, T.E:

He seems to be the hospital's highest authority, but he also seems to be completely off his rocker. He resembles a huge virus, but mercifully still small enough to punt across the room if you can ever get a good shot. He's apparently very proud of his bow tie collection and has a thing about ducks.

Doctor Phleboto Mizer:

An imposingly large, taciturn figure with an alarmingly sized hypodermic needle for a head. What is that even filled with? His official title is "Head Transfusionator" and you're not eager to find out what that means.

Doctor Circula Tori:

A surgeon apparently skilled enough to keep bringing you back from certain doom; even certain doom that should have left little more than a persistent stain. You have yet to formally meet her. What we usually see of her is only the appendage of something far more massive.

Doctor Man:

Why is he so...normal? Doctor Man's relationship with the hospital is unclear, except for a distinct animosity towards Phage. He says he can help you, if you can bring him your son.

Nurse Molly Curdle:

Oh god, is that a big, sopping bag of medical waste? Are those needles? What kind of hospital throws away sharps in a plastic bag? What kind of hospital goes on to hire it as a nurse!?


The hospital's amoebic receptionist is the only non-medical staff we've encountered, and interestingly enough,the least frightening and confusing employee by far.

Surgical Scissors:

There are a whole bunch of them! At least, there are supposed to be, working under Tori in the surgical ward. They've seemingly dwindled to just two, Scissie and Scisanne.


A computer system of vast intellect and equally vast spite.

CHIP v2:

Chip (see below) eventually replaced Crash as the Hospital's computer system. He seems...nicer?



A rancid blend of eleventy-purple secret flesh matters. Works the hospital cafeteria, smells like a dumpster behind the world's worst pet shop.

BBQ Girll:

Seems to do all the talking for Harmburger and other representatives of...whoever or whatever they're working for. Why DOES a hospital cafeteria open into an otherworldly meat processing wonderland?


The doors to the cafeteria are more than just a friendly face.


Stone Slab:

Why does a morgue have a belhop? At least he seems like a decent sort, for a floating hunk of crumbling marble. He did shove you through a strange door and into an even stranger world of bubbling slime and ravenous worms, but to be fair, he thought he was helping.

Doctor Everton Morpheus Balmer:

Head mortician and ambulatory embalming machine. It turns out there's a lot more to preserving a corpse than you may have previously believed.


One of Everton's two lackeys.


One of Everton's other lackeys.

Lady Celia, Bandit Princess:

A fungus who fancies herself a formidable rogue. You met her in a beautiful fungus forest, deep in the rotting recesses prefer not to think about it.

Doctor Staph:

A friendly lady doctor who happens to also be some sort of Staphylococcus. She seems nice.


Former apprentice to the late marsh witch, Magatha. Knows a lot about the zones, aspires to follow in her mentor's footless undulations by exploding into millions of dipterites.


A rather rude and judgmental protozoan you met at the bacteria town bar. She seems to know a lot about these corpse-zones. Too much? The hat is pretty suspicious.


Professor Lexicovermus:

A mysterious bookworm from THE LIBRARY. He can pass special information on to Fern through the readers.


Barista of THE CAFE. He exists to suffer for your convenience.


Chip's manager. She exists to make sure her employee suffers for your convenience.


These terrible little things are a form of interzonal vermin, appearing wherever the boundaries of reality are beginning to deteriorate.



Some sort of living, organic room that devours passersby and virtually anything else she can drag into her gaping maw.


A parasitic being inhabiting Ora. Enjoys "soup." Her relationship with Ora may go deeper than opportunistic symbiosis.

Kidney Stone Mom:

A titanic, hostile nephrolith and your first real brush with danger. Still...she's a mother, like you.

Baby Kidney Stone:

There sure were a lot of these things. One of them has come with you, for whatever reason.

Hungry Blood Bag:

Tried to suck you dry in the laboratory. Watch out! There could be more of these things around the hospital...and plenty worse.

Ramblin' Evil Colorectal Polyp:

A wandering encounter that ended happily enough, at least for the Polyp and Kidney Stone, who seem to have become fast friends. Currently sleeping in your inventory.

Mysterious Stains:

Only visible under a blacklight. They seem to exist on every surface of the Hospital, waiting for their chance to strike...


Molly's cute, highly explosive spawn.


The Blood Stain:

Bloodstain bailed you out of trouble when you first arrived in the Hospital. They're the nicest Bloodstain you've ever spoken to.

The Spleen (Sploenard Spleenus):

A jaded, bitter, pessimistic, misanthropic, melodramatic, possibly masochistic glutton for misery and gloom. Desperately craves intensive medical attention, but never catches any of the good chronic maladies. Good samaritan that you are, you hooked him up with some Malaria, though he thinks you could have done a lot better if you really cared.

The Crooked Spine (Angus Cobb):

A spinal column in a hat. He fancies himself a slick businessman, but all he has is a briefcase filled with disgusting trash. There might be some important stuff in there, but he doesn't deal in any ordinary money...

The Broken Skull:

Wants to go FAST.

The Puke Guy:

Actually seems to be a sentient stomach with a disgusting, awful barf body...or is it the other way around? Craves "tasties," which are apparently gas pills. It's a serious addiction and you should be ashamed of yourself for enabling him.

The Goopy Eyes (Eyeda Sorrit):

A pair of eyeballs dribbling with infected glop. She suffered from an unusual parasitic infestation, forcing everybody to hear her incredibly grating voice at a 20% higher rate.

The Runny Nose (Nobody Nose):


The Skin Cube:

Not much of a talker.

The Grouchy Embryo:

He just wants to read his adorable, tiny newspaper! Pipe down, will ya!


A broken leg. Or is he the cast? His name is Kyle.

The Kidneys:

Seen waiting in line for surgery.

The Verrucas:

A colony of horrible foot warts. Wants to be bigger.

The Open Wound:

Quite talkative and friendly. Loves cats. Suffers a "mysterious" allergy.

Loves cats a LOT.


Obsesses over her hygiene. Takes a lot of showers.


Just a lonely cloud of gasto-intestinal vapor.

The Hair:

Fancies herself the real "main character."


A no-nonsense businesshand.


Loves his muscles, which are also himself. We could all use that kind of self esteem.