The Cast Thus Far


Referred to by readers as Miss Green until the reveal of her name, Fern is our "player character," her actions driven at least in part by reader comments. Fern is the mother of an infant boy who suffered a persistent, unidentifiable illness, and the next thing she knew, she had awoken alone in a grotesquely twisted medical facility, surrounded by monsters. All she wants now is to find her son and get back to the real world.


The tiny son of Doctor Circula Tori (see below), Willis instantly warmed up to Fern and is aware of something terribly wrong with the Hospital. Unfortunately, his mother and the rest of the staff don't take him so seriously...or perhaps something is preventing them?


Human patients in the hospital seem to transform into monstrosities colloquially known as "Slobs" when killed or sufficiently injured. The EYESLOB was once an instance of Jay (see below) but doesn't really seem so bad. He's been following and helping Fern, who finally decided to give him a real name.


A mysterious cacophony of disconnected, sometimes contradictory voices murmuring away in the back of our heroine's subconscious. Sometimes helpful, sometimes not so much. Sometimes just plain weird. Fern is heavily influenced by your advice, but she's not your mindless puppet, either.


An enigmatic order of entities who may have grown from the remaining pieces of something long gone. Whatever it is, they're convinced it was the only thing that was ever supposed to exist, and they're hacking the laws of reality to make it happen.



The first human patient Fern ever encountered didn't turn out to be terribly nice, but did offer a needed glimpse into the background workings of our adventure.


A computer system of vast intellect and equally vast spite.


Former Barista of THE CAFE. He existed to suffer for your convenience, but he's better now.


To stop Jay from regenerating and killing staff, his "concept" (I guess it's like a soul, sort of. Maybe it's like a harddrive.) was shuffled around with Chip, transforming him into the new cafe barista, Joe. He is not as pleasant as Chip was, but at least he's...out of trouble?

CHIP v2:

While Jay took over Chip's position as barista, Chip took over Crash's position as the Hospital computer system, and Crash was shunted off to a state of half-existence until we can figure out what to do with him.


Concept core of THE CAFE, previously Chip's tyrannical manager and now Joe's tyrannical manager. Her and Joe have a weird...understanding of each other.

Lacey the Open Wound:

Quite talkative and friendly. Loves cats. Suffers a "mysterious" allergy.

It turns out we can pass through Lacey and come out in other places. She's saved our skins more than once now.

Professor Lexicovermus:

A mysterious bookworm from THE LIBRARY. He can pass special information on to Fern through the readers.


These terrible little things are a form of interzonal vermin, appearing wherever the boundaries of reality are beginning to deteriorate.


Doctor H.M. Phage, T.E:

He seems to be the hospital's highest authority, but he also seems to be completely off his rocker. He resembles a huge virus, but mercifully still small enough to punt across the room if you can ever get a good shot. He's apparently very proud of his bow tie collection and has a thing about ducks.

Doctor Phleboto Mizer:

An imposingly large, taciturn figure with an alarmingly sized hypodermic needle for a head. What is that even filled with? His official title is "Head Transfusionator" and you're not eager to find out what that means.

Doctor Circula Tori:

A surgeon apparently hard at work on your son's case. You have yet to formally meet her. What we usually see of her is only the appendage of something far more massive.

Doctor Man:

Seems to be a doctor from the real world who was just improperly assimilated into the Hospital as it began to break down. At least, that's what we've gathered thus far.

Doctor Gynnie:

The head doctor of the maternity ward looks huge and imposing, but has a kind and grandmotherly personality. Fern is currently working for her under a fake name, which will likely work out great with no negative repercussions at all.


A descendant of Maggie (see below) and now your closest friend on the staff, at least as long as she remains in the mysterious Plank Maze. She's made of maggots.


You would rather not dwell on what Cathy's head is made of, but she's a fairly friendly staffer who can upgrade your weapon.


In charge of the "tissue vault," a place where backup organic tissues are grown and nurtured for use by the surgical ward.

Nurse Molly Curdle:

Oh god, is that a big, sopping bag of medical waste? Are those needles? What kind of hospital throws away sharps in a plastic bag? What kind of hospital goes on to hire it as a nurse!?

Nurse Millie Curdle:

Freed at last from the garbage bin, she ran off to deal with her sister and forgot all about you for now.


The hospital's amoebic receptionist is the only non-medical staff we've encountered, and interestingly enough, the least frightening and confusing employee by far.

Surgical Scissors:

There are a whole bunch of them! At least, there are supposed to be, working under Tori in the surgical ward. They've seemingly dwindled to just two, Scissie and Scisanne, and it turns out they're the ones who have been fixing you up when you die.

As "practice," because they were the worst on the team. Swell.



A rancid blend of eleventy-purple secret flesh matters. Works the hospital cafeteria, smells like a dumpster behind the world's worst pet shop. Seems to be the big cheese (and meat, and bread) of a vaster food-service zone.

BBQ Girll:

Seems to do all the talking for Harmburger and other representatives of...whoever or whatever they're working for. Why DOES a hospital cafeteria open into an otherworldly meat processing wonderland?


Another human who's become a part of an alien zone, working for a fast food place that turned out to be part of something otherworldly. She never settled on a current name for herself, but she likes being called "Miss" by Fern. She says the Earth isn't doing so hot.

Stone Slab:

Previously the belhop of the Hospital morgue, because the Hospital morgue had a belhop. Now the morgue zone has made some kind of business merger with the cafeteria and the slab is a cashier. That sounds great!

Doctor Everton Morpheus Balmer:

Previously the Morgue's diabolical head mortician, charged with turning corpses into perfectly preserved real estate, because bodies have entire alternate realities in them. Apparently everything does. Who knew?! Now Balmer works as the cafeteria's frycook.


Lady Celia, Bandit Princess:

A fungus who fancies herself a formidable rogue. You met her in a beautiful fungus forest, in the world of your own decomposing carcass.

Doctor Staph:

A friendly lady doctor who happens to also be some sort of Staphylococcus. She seems nice.


Former apprentice to the late marsh witch, Magatha. Knows a lot about the zones, aspires to follow in her mentor's footless undulations by exploding into millions of dipterites. Instead, she now seems to have kept growing in power and fulfilled a very different destiny.


A fusion of Celia and Staph who now run their own thriving empire and pilot your mutated corpse around like a robot. Good for them!



Some sort of living, organic room that devours passersby and virtually anything else she can drag into her gaping maw.


A parasitic being inhabiting Ora. Enjoys "soup." Her relationship with Ora may go deeper than opportunistic symbiosis.

Kidney Stone Mom:

A titanic, hostile nephrolith and your first real brush with danger. Still...she's a mother, like you.

Baby Kidney Stone:

There sure were a lot of these things. One of them has come with you, for whatever reason.

Hungry Blood Bag:

Tried to suck you dry in the laboratory. Watch out! There could be more of these things around the hospital...and plenty worse.

Ramblin' Evil Colorectal Polyp:

A wandering encounter that ended happily enough, at least for the Polyp and Kidney Stone, who seem to have become fast friends. Currently sleeping in your inventory.

Mysterious Stains:

Only visible under a blacklight. They seem to exist on every surface of the Hospital, waiting for their chance to strike...


Molly's cute, highly explosive spawn.


The Blood Stain:

Bloodstain bailed you out of trouble when you first arrived in the Hospital. They're the nicest Bloodstain you've ever spoken to.

The Spleen (Sploenard Spleenus):

A jaded, bitter, pessimistic, misanthropic, melodramatic, possibly masochistic glutton for misery and gloom. Desperately craves intensive medical attention, but never catches any of the good chronic maladies. Good samaritan that you are, you hooked him up with some Malaria, though he thinks you could have done a lot better if you really cared.

The Crooked Spine (Angus Cobb):

A spinal column in a hat. He fancies himself a slick businessman, but all he has is a briefcase filled with disgusting trash. There might be some important stuff in there, but he doesn't deal in any ordinary money...

The Broken Skull:

Wants to go FAST.

The Puke Guy:

Actually seems to be a sentient stomach with a disgusting, awful barf body...or is it the other way around? Craves "tasties," which are apparently gas pills. It's a serious addiction and you should be ashamed of yourself for enabling him.

The Goopy Eyes (Eyeda Sorrit):

A pair of eyeballs dribbling with infected glop. She suffered from an unusual parasitic infestation, forcing everybody to hear her incredibly grating voice at a 20% higher rate.

The Runny Nose (Nobody Nose):


The Skin Cube:

Not much of a talker.

The Grouchy Embryo:

He just wants to read his adorable, tiny newspaper! Pipe down, will ya!


A broken leg. Or is he the cast? His name is Kyle.

The Kidneys:

Seen waiting in line for surgery.

The Verrucas:

A colony of horrible foot warts. Wants to be bigger.


Obsesses over her hygiene. Takes a lot of showers.


Just a lonely cloud of gasto-intestinal vapor.

The Hair:

Fancies herself the real "main character."


A no-nonsense businesshand.


Loves his muscles, which are also himself. We could all use that kind of self esteem.