ITEM #: Q0092
THREAT CATEGORY: Lukewarm
ADVANCED SECURITY PROTOCOLS: article Q0092 is to be kept on-site under 23.5-hour surveillance. A class 17 category CVX-00 modular camouflage grid is to enclose the aberration. Functional perimiter is to be tested daily for fluctuation. All subjects exposed to Q0092 memetic effects are to be neutralized.
ARTICLE SPECIFICS: Q0092 manifests as a fast food ordering menu and intercom outside the empty shell of a civilian storage facility. Individuals entering a functional perimiter without class 9 perceptual stabilizers experience escalating hunger, impaired judgment, unusual cravings and spontaneous expansive conceptualization, perceiving a fully staffed, active restaurant chain.
Affected individuals will immediately attempt to order an item from the menu then navigate around to the Northern wall of the storage building where a rectangular section of the structure will horizontally slide open. The interior of this aperture is impenetrable by light, but a soft "gibbering" can be heard from within. No such opening can be observed from the interior of the structure, and no seams can be detected when the "window" is closed. If the surrounding wall has been relocated for analysis or otherwise damaged, the window will manifest on the next closest vertical surface. No limit to this projection range has yet been found. Further testing of this mechanism has been discontinued following Incident Q0092-73.
Upon navigating to the "window," the "customer" will attempt to pay for their order with any form of currency on their person or within a roughly six foot radius of the transaction window. If no known form of currency is on the subject's person, the subject will "pay" with any loose materials available, including buttons, weeds, handfuls of soil or articles of clothing. With all loose or removable materials cleared from this radius, observed payments have included bodily waste, hairs, nails, teeth, and one known instance of payment via left ocular orb. Upon demanifestation of the window, money and other payment materials can be found simply crumpled and discarded immediately inside the structure.
On completion of payment, the subject will reach deeper into the opening and retrieve their "order," which they will immediately attempt to begin consuming. Subjects will resort to any means necessary to resist confiscation of these materials, and refuse any other sustenance until allowed to either consume their entire order or order another item. Successful consumption is nearly always followed by an exclamation of "mmm-mm-mm-mm-mm, just like momma used to make." The nature of the dispensed nutritive material varies, but usually resembles animal tissue. Many items superficially resemble known, common food items, but actual constituents may vary.
Subjects are unable to relay a specific name for the "restaurant," always referring to the facility as "aw, you know, the ole' boiga' joint down the street" (sic) regardless of their natural speech patterns or current geographical location. The duration of this effect is indeterminate, but unprotected subjects exposed to this description invariably respond "I could go for a big juicy one myself, now that you mention it" and will attempt to navigate to Q0092 by any possible means. Immediate termination of all testing subjects is recommended before this effect can be transmitted.
Agents with adequate protection cannot perceive the active restaurant, but can perceive menu items, the "window" and a garbled "screeching" from the menu intercom.
LOG OF NOTABLE Q0092 MENU ITEMS
Protected agents accompanied a series of F-class test subjects through their menu orders. Test subjects were subsequently terminated and their orders collected for study.
All items written as shown on Q0092's menu.
Item ordered: "CHICK NUGGEM: ROUNDED PIECE OF BIRB IN CRISP FELSH"
Item dispensed: Objects resemble 13 fast food "chicken nuggets."
Analysis: 30% pigeon, 10% lobster, remainder unknown.
Item ordered: "HARM BURGER: IT CAN MEAT IN A BUN?"
Item dispensed: Object resembles a conventional hamburger.
Analysis: patty comprised of 10% beef, 90% unknown mixed animal materials. "Lettuce," "cheese," "ketchup" and "bread" analyze as 100% unknown animal materials. Unless otherwise noted, this has been the case with other condiments, vegetables and wheat-like items in all subsequent orders. What appear to be "sesame seeds" analyze as undescribed cestoda.
Item ordered: "ALWAYS BEEF PAT: ALWAYS BEEF. BEEF. BEEF. PAT!!!"
Item dispensed: object resembles a hamburger.
Analysis: texture and flavor indistinguishable from a common fast food hamburger. All components analyze as yellowfin tuna.
Item ordered: "DINNER'S STEAKE: RED COW SLAB WITH SWEET SOURCE"
Item dispensed: object resembles a rare sirloin steak in a paper bag.
Analysis: object is bovine muscle tissue. Faint pulse detected.
Item ordered: "DINNER'S TURKE: GOBBEL BIRD WITH 4 FRIEND"
Item dispensed: object resembles carton of four large eggs. Each egg contains a minute, cleaned, decapitated and roasted bird carcass in gravy.
Analysis: carcasses are mature Meleagris gallopavo, much smaller than natural adult size. One carcass flailed its appendages and emitted a series of distressed sounds typical of the species before expiring. Mechanics of this behavior are unknown.
Item ordered: "CHICKEN FINGNER: NO BONES CHICKEN FIGENR IN CRUNCHING DOH"
Item dispensed: objects resemble greatly elongated, curled hominid fingers, dark grey and covered in fine hairs. Despite menu description, objects are not battered or fried, and possess dozens of phalange bones.
Analysis: component tissues analyze as Gallus gallus domesticus.
Item ordered: "GELLIE SLURPRISE: A SECRET INGERDINENT FOR MAXIMUM FLAVOR JOY"
Item dispensed: object appears to be a beverage of a gelatinous, grey material.
Analysis: gel analyzes as misfolded bovine prions.
Item ordered: "BUCKETSED FREIND: SOFT FREMB HIDE IN A TASTE FROTH"
Item dispensed: cardboard pail contained two dozen tadpole-shaped organisms swimming in a pink, gelatinous foam.
Analysis: organisms similar in physiology to ascidian larvae, did not survive removal from foam. Foam appears to consist entirely of spermatozoa genetically unrelated to either the "tadpoles" or any known species.
Item ordered: "BONEDED BBQ: BARBEQUE HAS BONES IN MUSTER DUNK"
Item dispensed: object resembles grilled animal skeleton. Accompanied by a cup of yellow sauce.
Analysis: skeleton matches no known organism. Sauce found to be a thickened paste of insect haemolymph and an unknown amoeboid protist.
Item ordered: "FIBBLE FIB FIB"
Item dispensed: object resembles a series of warty, hairy sausage links. Objects continuously squirm and undulate despite lack of any differentiated organs.
Analysis: objects are filled with 100% non-anomalous, raw ground pork.
Item ordered: "FISH DINER: FISHS CRISP FRIED, SKIN ON AND LEG IN"
Item dispensed: object resembles a mature sea bass from head to midsection, smoothly transitioning into a pair of miniature humanoid legs.
Analysis: piscoid portion determined to be normal sea bass. Genetic analysis of legs matches a Mr.█████ ███████ of ██████ , Iowa. Mr. █████ was brought in for questioning but did not exhibit any anomalous characteristics or knowledge.
Item ordered: "YAM HEAD: BOENLSS SKINLESS FAMILY MEAL HEAD IS LIKE A YAM????!!!"
Item dispensed: object appears to be a large, dead sea star smeared with mayonaisse.
Analysis: "mayonaisse" a mixture of unknown animal skin oil, formic acid and unknown pachyderm spermatozoa. Sea star unidentified but otherwise non-anomalous species.
Item ordered: "JUICE PLACENT - CHEWY PLACENT OF ANIMAL SERVE ON JUICE BED"
Item dispensed: object resembles a whole, fresh and intact placenta, soaked in a purple fluid.
Analysis: placenta analyzes as unknown primate. Fluid found to be a generic non-anomalous grape cola.
Item ordered: "GUT SUCK: FRESHEST INNERS IN A SUCK BAG, SERVE JIGGLED"
Item dispensed: object is a transparent, highly elastic sac terminating in a large teat. Object contains a set of functioning organs including lungs, heart, liver, kidneys and digestive tract. Organs can be squeezed easily out of teat.
Analysis: all materials analyze as homo sapiens.
Item ordered: "YUM YUM BOIGUS: SAND WETCH BREBB MEAL WITH HAMS SHANK"
Item dispensed: Object is a metal pail filled with viscous fluid and 230 dead annelida. An extremely oversized spoon was tied to the pail handle, made of a green "glow in the dark" plastic.
Analysis: annelida appear to be unknown hirudinae. Fluid analyzes as several gallons of human saliva. Genetic match found with testing subject's mother.
Item ordered: "CLAM BAKE: SALAD CREAM CLAM CLAMMS IN SURPRISE REWARDS"
Item dispensed: object resembles cleaned carcass of a greater reticulated South American vook with an unusual forked trunk. Despite adult physiology it is only four feet in length. Abdominal cavity stuffed with whole, raw prawns.
Analysis: genetically identical to the lesser North American spotted vook. Prawns non-anomalous.
Item ordered: "WOUF WOUF: A MOVING WOUFS FRONT WITH SKIN OFF, STICKY"
Item dispensed: object resembles front half of skinned canine, severed at its midsection. Object dispensed alive but in no apparent pain. Locomotes easily on front legs. Food consumed by organism appears to dematerialize.
Analysis: physiology an exact match with a labrador retriever. No genetic match to any known animal phyla. Specimen codename "Scrapple Doo" has survived in standard animal containment and currently exceeds known adult size of a labrador retriever by ███%
Item ordered: "CREAM DESERT: SWEETENED SLIPPY SNAKC CAN SPOONED"
Item dispensed: object resembles gelatin dessert molded into the shape of a stylized lobster. Cubes of meat and small insects suspended throughout mass. A non-anomalous, unloaded semi-automatic pistol was dispensed alongside the meal.
Analysis: meat analyzes as Ailuropoda melanoleuca. Insects appear to be various unknown diptera. Gel consists of 10% bovine bone meal, 90% living salmonella culture.
Item ordered: "SEAS FOOD BANANAS: YOU WILL "FLIP" FOR A BAZNANA OF SEAS FOODS!"
Item dispensed: object is a 32 gallon heavy-duty garbage bag stuffed with small, decaying animal carcasses.
Analysis: all carcasses unless otherwise noted are either known species from the abyssal marine layer or unknown species exhibiting adaptations consistent with this environment.
•31 known bony fish, 11 undocumented species.
•12 known cartilaginous fish, 4 undocumented.
•24 echinodermata, 9 undocumented.
•43 crustacean, 43 undocumented.
•19 mollusca, 10 undocumented.
•104 annelida, 65 undocumented. Most under 2'' in length with the exception of three Riftia pachyptila
•8 unique specimens representing unknown phyla. Refer to file Q0092-65-A.
• 3 undocumented species of marine onychophora.
• 13 assorted trilobita.
•1 severed head and neck of domestic chicken. Neck continues for six meters.
•1 undocumented marsupial mammal. Possesses ventral gill slits, bioluminescent proboscis.
•1 hominid arm terminating in 22 digits.
•1 football stuffed with shoelaces.
Item ordered: "NO BONES SKELRETON - BONELESS SKELTENGON HAS NO BONES. NO BONES SKETELLNON"
Item dispensed: [DETAILS PURGED]
Analysis: objects not organic. Not comprised of known matter. React violently to movement.
Item ordered: "HAIR MAT: SOAKED IN GEL TUBE, SALTY MASS"
Item dispensed: object is several layers of tangled, oily hair separated by layers of sebum in a tall, transparent pail. Object included a drinking straw with a three-pronged tip.
Analysis: hair layers and their matching sebum layers, in order from top to bottom, analyze as porcine, hominid, unknown, pachyderm, hominid, feline, rodentia, unknown, unknown, mastodon, queen conch.
Item ordered: "EMPTY((* LOPER: THE LOPER IS EMPTY OUTSIDE, BUT INSIDE IS SAFETY WHISPERS"
Item dispensed: N/A. Test subject was pulled immediately into the window. All of subject's teeth were subsequently found inside the building, arranged into a perfect circle.
Analysis: teeth showed significant wear and deterioration inconsistent with subject's age and health prior to test.
Item ordered: "HAMMED PICKEL: A PICKEL HAMMED WITH 2 BUTTERS"
Item dispensed: object closely resembles a deformed hominid hand, severed at the wrist.
Analysis: genetically identifies as healthy Homo sapiens, despite possessing only a single thumb and no mouth opening.
Extragovernmental Bureau of Socio-Hazardous Aberrations_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________