THE LIBRARY was not previously a zone Willis had found pertinent to experience, and it also wasn't like what Isaac would have recognized as a "library" at all. Towering, twisted shelves of books stretched infinitely into the nothingness where a ceiling ought to be, creaking and cracking as they gently swayed in rhythm with the zone's conceptual pulse. Willis had tasted book blood, once, and it was a dry, dusty sort of blood with too many chewy little words floating around in it, but he wasn't here to taste the local flavors; he was here because his friend Chip and had gotten a bunch of complicated, boring information that said the library might be the last known whereabouts of a patient's missing child. Chip had said that since the Old Flesh (the bad guys, but if you needed to be told this, you'd better go back to page one of the webcomic) were involved, anything "unusual" about the library might make a good lead. Or maybe it was anything not unusual enough. It was pretty much the same thing around here.
As Willis and his gooey friend finished sliding into the zone, a single book flapped down from an upper shelf and plopped open to the floor in front of them.
"WELL HOWWWWW-DOODLY DOO THERE, SONNY!" squealed a squeaky voice. Willis had met the source of the voice before, and had never particularly looked forward to meeting it all that much more. He sighed.
"Hiii, mister liebarian..." he said, the being's vibrosignatures of stuffy adulthood making him sleepy already.
Smiling madly and staring off at nothing in particular, the esteemed Professor Lexicovermus bobbed back and forth through the hole in the open book as though he thought the library's silence was an exceptionally groovy jam, which he did indeed.
"BOY OH BOYYOH DO YOU SURE SMELL MEDICAL! YOU'RE A HOSPITAL BOY, AREN'T YOU!!" the little bookworm shrieked in his ear-splitting helium voice. Willis didn't remember the Professor always shrieking, and wondered if being in his own library was just that exciting to the guy. Unfortunately, for everyone, it was.
"Um, yeah. I'm spos'da find somebody who might be here, and-"
"BOOOOOY OH BOYDLY DOYDLY DOO HAVE YOU COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE TO REEEEeeeEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEAD SOOOOOME BOOKS! WE GOT ALL KINDS OF FIIIIIIIIIINE KINDS OF BOOKS!!! WORD BOOKS, PICTURE BOOKS, TINY BUMPS BOOKS, NOISES BOOKS, FLAVOR BOOKS, PAIN BOOKS, ITCHINESS BOOKS, MOTION BOOKS, LIQUID BOOKS, NEGATIVE SPACE BOOKS, BOOKS FOR EVERY SENSORY SYSTEM, BOOKS TO FILL UP EVERY KIND OF THINKIN' PARTS WITH ALL THE LATEST JUUUUUIIIIIIICY KNOWINGS!!!" the professor wailed rapturously, spinning around and giggling a little, disregarding what Willis had actually said. This peculiar reaction would have been a little worrying to an adult, but an unfortunately universal constant of reality was that a lot of adults didn't really care to listen to children anyway, making it difficult at best for many children to tell whether this kind of behavior was anything to be concerned by. It was, however, just as universal for adults to become very attentive the moment a child says something that they do not like.
And what Willis said was "That's okay, I don't want books."
The silence should have been awkward, but Willis was just relieved the Professor had stopped talking.
"I see." Said the professor in basically just a regular guy's voice all the sudden. "What do you want then."
"Ummmm, I mean..." Willis thought for a moment, improvising what he hoped the grown-up would want to hear. "I'm here to do, uh, doctor stuff! Which...I already learned by reading a MILLION books!"
"oooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" came the shrieks again, "SILLY ME!!! HA HA!!! OF COURSE!! THE HOSPITAL SENTCHA ON BIZZLEDYNIZZLEDYNESS!!! OF COURSE!!! SILLY ME!!! JUST SO HAPPENS WE MIGHT HAVE SOME LITTLE WEE LITTLE BITTY TINY LITTLE problems WHAT AREN'T ANYTHING FOR ALL OUR FIIIIINE PATRONS TO CONCERN THEMSELVES WITH BUT THAT MAYBE SOME FINE MEDICAL FOLKS COULD TAKE A LOOKSY ABOUT!!! WEEEHEEEHEEEHEEHEHEHEHEHE!" - the laughing continued a whole lot longer than that, but you get the idea. He was back to spinning around now. His response still wasn't a clear match for what Willis had told him, but Willis was a clever kid or kid-equivalent entity, and he could work with it.
"...Yeah! That's right! Mr. Doctor Phage sent me to see if you have, uhh, any sick books that are acting funny, or anything messed up like that!!"
"MMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMNNNNGGGGGGG OF COURSE OF COURSE LET'S SEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEE...LET'S JUST HAVE US A FIIIINE THINKIN'!!!!!! HHRRRMMMMMGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...HURRRRRRGGGHHHH" the Professor seemed to be straining hard to complete the thought. His little cartoon worm face was almost as red as Willis. "THAT'S RIGHT!!!!!! IT WAS INNNNN....REMATURE READERS HALL, TEXT FORMAT, SECTOR 44,785,302, INVERSE HISTORICAL BLUE-VIOLET QUASI-FICTION (UNINCUBATED), STATIC MATTER AUTHORS W TO G.5! THAT WAS IT! ALVIN-BRAXTON-CALVIN SAID THERE WAS A NASTY VIBE 'ROUND THOSE PARTS! SAYS THE BOOKS ARE TASTING PREEEEETTY SOUR!!! NO THANKS!!! NOT FOR ME PAL!!!! NOT GONNA...NOT GONNA EAT NO...GROSS OLD SOUR BOOKS! BLEH!!! HAAA HAHA!!!!"
He pointed, with the tassle on his hat, to the being he called Alvin-Braxton-Calvin, a flattened creature with slimy fins and metallic scales and hairy little legs that perched a few rows up the nearest shelf-tower. It waved its feathery feelers and gasped its damp gills for a few moments before clambering down to the floor and scuttling in what was presumably the direction of the "sour" books. Willis had no way of knowing whether this was really Alvin-Braxton-Calvin and whether it could really communicate such complex information, but he also had no reason to doubt it. In the distance, if you paid enough attention, the same scratchy scurrying sound echoed through the library.
As Willis and his gooey friend finished sliding into the zone, a single book flapped down from an upper shelf and plopped open to the floor in front of them.
"WELL HOWWWWW-DOODLY DOO THERE, SONNY!" squealed a squeaky voice. Willis had met the source of the voice before, and had never particularly looked forward to meeting it all that much more. He sighed.
"Hiii, mister liebarian..." he said, the being's vibrosignatures of stuffy adulthood making him sleepy already.
"BOY OH BOYYOH DO YOU SURE SMELL MEDICAL! YOU'RE A HOSPITAL BOY, AREN'T YOU!!" the little bookworm shrieked in his ear-splitting helium voice. Willis didn't remember the Professor always shrieking, and wondered if being in his own library was just that exciting to the guy. Unfortunately, for everyone, it was.
"Um, yeah. I'm spos'da find somebody who might be here, and-"
"BOOOOOY OH BOYDLY DOYDLY DOO HAVE YOU COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE TO REEEEeeeEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEAD SOOOOOME BOOKS! WE GOT ALL KINDS OF FIIIIIIIIIINE KINDS OF BOOKS!!! WORD BOOKS, PICTURE BOOKS, TINY BUMPS BOOKS, NOISES BOOKS, FLAVOR BOOKS, PAIN BOOKS, ITCHINESS BOOKS, MOTION BOOKS, LIQUID BOOKS, NEGATIVE SPACE BOOKS, BOOKS FOR EVERY SENSORY SYSTEM, BOOKS TO FILL UP EVERY KIND OF THINKIN' PARTS WITH ALL THE LATEST JUUUUUIIIIIIICY KNOWINGS!!!" the professor wailed rapturously, spinning around and giggling a little, disregarding what Willis had actually said. This peculiar reaction would have been a little worrying to an adult, but an unfortunately universal constant of reality was that a lot of adults didn't really care to listen to children anyway, making it difficult at best for many children to tell whether this kind of behavior was anything to be concerned by. It was, however, just as universal for adults to become very attentive the moment a child says something that they do not like.
And what Willis said was "That's okay, I don't want books."
"I see." Said the professor in basically just a regular guy's voice all the sudden. "What do you want then."
"Ummmm, I mean..." Willis thought for a moment, improvising what he hoped the grown-up would want to hear. "I'm here to do, uh, doctor stuff! Which...I already learned by reading a MILLION books!"
"oooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" came the shrieks again, "SILLY ME!!! HA HA!!! OF COURSE!! THE HOSPITAL SENTCHA ON BIZZLEDYNIZZLEDYNESS!!! OF COURSE!!! SILLY ME!!! JUST SO HAPPENS WE MIGHT HAVE SOME LITTLE WEE LITTLE BITTY TINY LITTLE problems WHAT AREN'T ANYTHING FOR ALL OUR FIIIIINE PATRONS TO CONCERN THEMSELVES WITH BUT THAT MAYBE SOME FINE MEDICAL FOLKS COULD TAKE A LOOKSY ABOUT!!! WEEEHEEEHEEEHEEHEHEHEHEHE!" - the laughing continued a whole lot longer than that, but you get the idea. He was back to spinning around now. His response still wasn't a clear match for what Willis had told him, but Willis was a clever kid or kid-equivalent entity, and he could work with it.
"...Yeah! That's right! Mr. Doctor Phage sent me to see if you have, uhh, any sick books that are acting funny, or anything messed up like that!!"
"MMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMNNNNGGGGGGG OF COURSE OF COURSE LET'S SEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEE...LET'S JUST HAVE US A FIIIINE THINKIN'!!!!!! HHRRRMMMMMGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...HURRRRRRGGGHHHH" the Professor seemed to be straining hard to complete the thought. His little cartoon worm face was almost as red as Willis. "THAT'S RIGHT!!!!!! IT WAS INNNNN....REMATURE READERS HALL, TEXT FORMAT, SECTOR 44,785,302, INVERSE HISTORICAL BLUE-VIOLET QUASI-FICTION (UNINCUBATED), STATIC MATTER AUTHORS W TO G.5! THAT WAS IT! ALVIN-BRAXTON-CALVIN SAID THERE WAS A NASTY VIBE 'ROUND THOSE PARTS! SAYS THE BOOKS ARE TASTING PREEEEETTY SOUR!!! NO THANKS!!! NOT FOR ME PAL!!!! NOT GONNA...NOT GONNA EAT NO...GROSS OLD SOUR BOOKS! BLEH!!! HAAA HAHA!!!!"
He pointed, with the tassle on his hat, to the being he called Alvin-Braxton-Calvin, a flattened creature with slimy fins and metallic scales and hairy little legs that perched a few rows up the nearest shelf-tower. It waved its feathery feelers and gasped its damp gills for a few moments before clambering down to the floor and scuttling in what was presumably the direction of the "sour" books. Willis had no way of knowing whether this was really Alvin-Braxton-Calvin and whether it could really communicate such complex information, but he also had no reason to doubt it. In the distance, if you paid enough attention, the same scratchy scurrying sound echoed through the library.
