A GIANT HOMICIDAL POSTAL WORKER EFFIGY ATTACKS
GIANT HOMICIDAL POSTAL WORKER EFFIGY:
EXPRRRRESS DELIVERY!
FROM: RRRRREDACTED!
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS: yyyYES!
SHIP TO: YOURRRR INSIDES!!!
EXPRRRRESS DELIVERY!
FROM: RRRRREDACTED!
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS: yyyYES!
SHIP TO: YOURRRR INSIDES!!!
Music: Yo-Kai Watch 3: USA Battle Theme
BLOWHOLE 2 (L???) (ATK: ???)
BLOWHOLE (L???) (ATK: ???)
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
DA HELL IS DAT TING!?!
DA HELL IS DAT TING!?!
CHERYL SAID:
Uhh...Maybe there's cash inside?! Like a pinyatty!
Uhh...Maybe there's cash inside?! Like a pinyatty!
BLOWHOLE SAID:
ORP!
(With all due respect I believe you meant "pinata")
ORP!
(With all due respect I believe you meant "pinata")
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
Wait a minute...didn't sup'm say a Round One? Are we supposedta be figh-
Wait a minute...didn't sup'm say a Round One? Are we supposedta be figh-
GIANT HOMICIDAL POSTAL WORKER EFFIGY USED MAILBOMB
"SPECIAL LLLLLADY IN YOUR LIFE!? DON'T FORGET TOOOO "LETTER" KNOW YOUR FUNERAL DATES!"
The floppy, plush "letter" in the thing's hand swells until the end bursts open, unleashing a fireball that reeks like a mix of burning hair and burning excrement.
"SPECIAL LLLLLADY IN YOUR LIFE!? DON'T FORGET TOOOO "LETTER" KNOW YOUR FUNERAL DATES!"
The floppy, plush "letter" in the thing's hand swells until the end bursts open, unleashing a fireball that reeks like a mix of burning hair and burning excrement.
MULTI TARGET 50% HEALTH LOSS!
CHERYL:
WHAT THE HELL MAN!?! I WASN'T READY
WHAT THE HELL MAN!?! I WASN'T READY
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
...That ain't no pinatto.
...That ain't no pinatto.
BLOWHOLE SAID:
ORP! ("ORP")
ORP! ("ORP")
CHERYL SAID:
...Alright, so, I've got an idea brewing, but I gotta step outside a minute. Have fun, fellas.
...Alright, so, I've got an idea brewing, but I gotta step outside a minute. Have fun, fellas.
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
What???
What???
CHERYL TOOK A SMOKE BREAK!
[Imagine, if you will, someone standing a stick of butter upright on a kitchen sponge, then putting another kitchen sponge on top, then microwaving the whole construction project until there's only two bubbling, sizzling butter-soaked sponges. While this in no way resembles the phenomenon Cheryl refers to as "stepping outside a minute," it is at least comparably confusing and unappetizing.]
-1 CIGARETTES
ALL DAMAGE THIS TURN REDUCED TO 0
[Imagine, if you will, someone standing a stick of butter upright on a kitchen sponge, then putting another kitchen sponge on top, then microwaving the whole construction project until there's only two bubbling, sizzling butter-soaked sponges. While this in no way resembles the phenomenon Cheryl refers to as "stepping outside a minute," it is at least comparably confusing and unappetizing.]
-1 CIGARETTES
ALL DAMAGE THIS TURN REDUCED TO 0
BLOWHOLE 2 USED THE OL' CHARM
[Blowhole 2 swallows loudly and forces a grotesque smile, which is how he always smiles. He spit-shines his forehead with a terrible balloon-like squeaking sound and adjusts his floppy snout like someone straightening a necktie, neither action having any visible effect whatsoever, as he confidently approaches the opponent.]
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
Sssooooo...I don't usually do this, but, I just kinda happenstanced to notice you inflicting injury upon our material forms here, and I thought to myself, wow, who's that with such a gigantuan mattervessel??? And believe you me, I ain't the kinda porpoise to injectate no cystoid in just any incubato-
[Blowhole 2 swallows loudly and forces a grotesque smile, which is how he always smiles. He spit-shines his forehead with a terrible balloon-like squeaking sound and adjusts his floppy snout like someone straightening a necktie, neither action having any visible effect whatsoever, as he confidently approaches the opponent.]
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
Sssooooo...I don't usually do this, but, I just kinda happenstanced to notice you inflicting injury upon our material forms here, and I thought to myself, wow, who's that with such a gigantuan mattervessel??? And believe you me, I ain't the kinda porpoise to injectate no cystoid in just any incubato-
GIANT HOMICIDAL POSTAL WORKER EFFIGY USED SLAP
[A thoughtless and reflexive attack action was concentrated solely on Blowhole 2, swatting him to the floor with one big, squishy mitten hand.]
DAMAGE ROLL: 1D6
[A thoughtless and reflexive attack action was concentrated solely on Blowhole 2, swatting him to the floor with one big, squishy mitten hand.]
DAMAGE ROLL: 1D6
BLOWHOLE 2 LOSES 4 HEALTH
...Works...every time.....
Just...not sure why.....
...Works...every time.....
Just...not sure why.....
BLOWHOLE USED JIMINY!
[Blowhole's mouth just sort of flips open like a lid, and there's suddenly nothing inside but a bright, yellow void. Something weightlessly floats out, not quite a trail smoke, not quite a quivering jelly, but definitely not something you can ever accurately illustrate with only an action icon. The non-shape reaches into the general idea of the adversary, not for any destructive purpose, but in the way a curious animal might idly test a newly discovered crevice in its environment.
And then, unceremoniously, it is gone as if it never materialized at all, and in fact, it now technically hasn't.]
[Blowhole's mouth just sort of flips open like a lid, and there's suddenly nothing inside but a bright, yellow void. Something weightlessly floats out, not quite a trail smoke, not quite a quivering jelly, but definitely not something you can ever accurately illustrate with only an action icon. The non-shape reaches into the general idea of the adversary, not for any destructive purpose, but in the way a curious animal might idly test a newly discovered crevice in its environment.
And then, unceremoniously, it is gone as if it never materialized at all, and in fact, it now technically hasn't.]
GIANT HOMICIDAL POSTAL WORKER EFFIGY HAS BECOME DISQUIETED.
CHERYL HAS COMPLETED HER SMOKE BREAK.
[Remember that butter thing? Just picture that in reverse, except that it brings a surprisingly large volume of cigarette ash with it from nowhere. Seriously, it's like all that smoke that billows out from under a space shuttle as it's taking off, except all at once and the space shuttle is some frumpy mom.]
1D20 REGENERATION ROLL: 9
CHERYL SAID:
Okay, listen up boys, I came up with an original plan all by myself that just might be genius enough to work:
[Remember that butter thing? Just picture that in reverse, except that it brings a surprisingly large volume of cigarette ash with it from nowhere. Seriously, it's like all that smoke that billows out from under a space shuttle as it's taking off, except all at once and the space shuttle is some frumpy mom.]
1D20 REGENERATION ROLL: 9
CHERYL SAID:
Okay, listen up boys, I came up with an original plan all by myself that just might be genius enough to work:
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
Alright miss genius, what pray tell do you propose we submit to our friend here for hypothetical delivery?
Alright miss genius, what pray tell do you propose we submit to our friend here for hypothetical delivery?
CHERYL SAID:
Well...I got a decent cardboard box, for starters, but you're gonna have to cover me a minute.
Well...I got a decent cardboard box, for starters, but you're gonna have to cover me a minute.
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
You serious?!
You serious?!
CHERYL SAID:
Just do it!
Just do it!
ITEM USED
Producing a mostly empty box of cheap wine from her inventory, Cheryl ducks behind the two dolphins and begins chugging the remaining wine as quickly as she possibly can.
Producing a mostly empty box of cheap wine from her inventory, Cheryl ducks behind the two dolphins and begins chugging the remaining wine as quickly as she possibly can.
GIANT HOMICIDAL POSTAL WORKER EFFIGY USED AIR MAIL
"HERE'S THE MAIL, IT NEVER FAILS!"
Reaching into its mail bag, the figure produces three smaller, plush envelopes, and prepares to hurl them like a volley of shurikens directly at Blowhole 2.
GIANT HOMOCIDAL POSTAL WORKER EFFIGY IS DISQUIETED
CONSTITUTION ROLL (1d20): 12
The entity shudders, slightly, at the sight of Blowhole, and botches its throw.
DAMAGE ROLL (3d10): 14 -50%
"HERE'S THE MAIL, IT NEVER FAILS!"
Reaching into its mail bag, the figure produces three smaller, plush envelopes, and prepares to hurl them like a volley of shurikens directly at Blowhole 2.
GIANT HOMOCIDAL POSTAL WORKER EFFIGY IS DISQUIETED
CONSTITUTION ROLL (1d20): 12
The entity shudders, slightly, at the sight of Blowhole, and botches its throw.
DAMAGE ROLL (3d10): 14 -50%
BLOWHOLE 2 LOSES 7 HEALTH!
BLOWHOLE 2 USED THE OL' SKWARTCH
[The heinous dolphin smiles wider, despite or possibly because of his significant physical damage. He inhales sharply, bends over and strains audibly, his flippers curling like they're totally boneless, which they are, as a green-brown substance the consistency of slightly dry and crusty tapioca pudding spurts from his blowhole. The stream bends and twists to home directly in on the adversary's face, and a yellow foam froths up like shaving cream where it hits.]
1D20 SKWARTCH ROLL: 17 DAMAGE "RETURNED" TO OPPONENT! BLOWHOLE 2 REGAINS 17 HEALTH! OPPONENT SUSTAINS 17 DAMAGE!
[The heinous dolphin smiles wider, despite or possibly because of his significant physical damage. He inhales sharply, bends over and strains audibly, his flippers curling like they're totally boneless, which they are, as a green-brown substance the consistency of slightly dry and crusty tapioca pudding spurts from his blowhole. The stream bends and twists to home directly in on the adversary's face, and a yellow foam froths up like shaving cream where it hits.]
1D20 SKWARTCH ROLL: 17 DAMAGE "RETURNED" TO OPPONENT! BLOWHOLE 2 REGAINS 17 HEALTH! OPPONENT SUSTAINS 17 DAMAGE!
BLOWHOLE USED BLOOGZ!
[The larger dolphin's entire head sucks inward for a moment, like the end of a sock, as his body contracts into nearly sphere. There's a loud sloshing sound as the sphere performs a couple of intense shakes, like someone mixing a gigantic cocktail, before the creature snaps to its original shape, pauses, and delicately tips forward, unleashing a dribbling cascade of what look a lot like large, rusty yellow, transparent macaroni noodles. On touching the ground, the BLOOGZ scurry with blinding speed towards the adversary and vanish phantasmally into its body surface, each leaving a thick, orange grease stain.
Blowhole claps with excitement throughout this process, emitting an even more seal-like barking than his usual ORPs.]
1D20 BLOOGZ ROLL: 9 x TURN NUMBER DIVIDED BY 2 (ROUNDED DOWN) = 13
OPPONENT LOSES 13 HEALTH...AND FEELS QUEASY ABOUT SOMETHING.
[The larger dolphin's entire head sucks inward for a moment, like the end of a sock, as his body contracts into nearly sphere. There's a loud sloshing sound as the sphere performs a couple of intense shakes, like someone mixing a gigantic cocktail, before the creature snaps to its original shape, pauses, and delicately tips forward, unleashing a dribbling cascade of what look a lot like large, rusty yellow, transparent macaroni noodles. On touching the ground, the BLOOGZ scurry with blinding speed towards the adversary and vanish phantasmally into its body surface, each leaving a thick, orange grease stain.
Blowhole claps with excitement throughout this process, emitting an even more seal-like barking than his usual ORPs.]
1D20 BLOOGZ ROLL: 9 x TURN NUMBER DIVIDED BY 2 (ROUNDED DOWN) = 13
OPPONENT LOSES 13 HEALTH...AND FEELS QUEASY ABOUT SOMETHING.
GIANT HOMICIDAL POSTAL WORKER EFFIGY HAS LOST 30 HEALTH!
CHERYL FINISHES DRINKING.
ACQUIRED: EMPTY BOX
Still reeks of the cheapest wine a grey-zone gas station has ever sold, with a tinge of what it smells like when a very heavy smoker has spent more time drinking from the same carton than our conventional concepts of both time and liquid volume should have permitted.
Still reeks of the cheapest wine a grey-zone gas station has ever sold, with a tinge of what it smells like when a very heavy smoker has spent more time drinking from the same carton than our conventional concepts of both time and liquid volume should have permitted.
CHERYL SAID:
HEH...heheh..wOo.....not much left but hoo baby...
HEH...heheh..wOo.....not much left but hoo baby...
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
Great, what now?
Great, what now?
CHERYL SAID:
Oh...oh right...uhhhh...well we...*erp*...we uh...we gotta put something in the box, see...we gotta...gotta make this the real deal right? all that concept CRAP...send them a.... you know, a...the...send the. haha. Wow. Wow. You know what they don't *hrk* tell you is what zOnehoppening doestothuhhh...toothuhhh t-TO THE...you..y...youknow...you...you know...the guy?...it's a guy right?? every #*^*in' thing out here's some guy or chick or animal $%^#&in thing I swear to god.....
Oh...oh right...uhhhh...well we...*erp*...we uh...we gotta put something in the box, see...we gotta...gotta make this the real deal right? all that concept CRAP...send them a.... you know, a...the...send the. haha. Wow. Wow. You know what they don't *hrk* tell you is what zOnehoppening doestothuhhh...toothuhhh t-TO THE...you..y...youknow...you...you know...the guy?...it's a guy right?? every #*^*in' thing out here's some guy or chick or animal $%^#&in thing I swear to god.....
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
Yeah yeah real swell sister y'know we kinda have a bit of recharge on them expulsions of ours so you're gonna have to hurry this up before that thing crams us through a mail slot or whatever it does.
Yeah yeah real swell sister y'know we kinda have a bit of recharge on them expulsions of ours so you're gonna have to hurry this up before that thing crams us through a mail slot or whatever it does.
CHERYL SAID:
Oh GOD...the..is the mail slot a guy??? ...or like a chick...ohhh, jeezis cheezits is that like, these things...is that how they...holy $#&& man...zones are @(*$@(*ed UP!! HAHAhh..hhh... ...
OH! OH!!! FERPEMPTS...FERM...the...F.............FERMBENTZATION!!!! THAT'S THE WORD I W....DO. FERMENTS. A STATION. Allllathisssslikezonesy freakworld ssSH#@&! iszzlikesthe fermentsetizing goes clear off its ##.......wait, what?.....off its %$$#...its **@!...dammit...okay....OFF. ITS. SHIT!!! YESSSS!!! I #*&$ING DID IT!!!!...aaandilosedit a gain....aww @%#$.
Oh GOD...the..is the mail slot a guy??? ...or like a chick...ohhh, jeezis cheezits is that like, these things...is that how they...holy $#&& man...zones are @(*$@(*ed UP!! HAHAhh..hhh... ...
OH! OH!!! FERPEMPTS...FERM...the...F.............FERMBENTZATION!!!! THAT'S THE WORD I W....DO. FERMENTS. A STATION. Allllathisssslikezonesy freakworld ssSH#@&! iszzlikesthe fermentsetizing goes clear off its ##.......wait, what?.....off its %$$#...its **@!...dammit...okay....OFF. ITS. SHIT!!! YESSSS!!! I #*&$ING DID IT!!!!...aaandilosedit a gain....aww @%#$.
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
JUST PUT SOMETHING IN THE BOX.
JUST PUT SOMETHING IN THE BOX.
CHERYL SAID:
HAhaheheuhuhuh....ohhmygawwwd thisis gonnnbesogood...hhhangon...hangon wait...w...okayssHHUTUPOHMYGAWED letMEDOITOKAY
HAhaheheuhuhuh....ohhmygawwwd thisis gonnnbesogood...hhhangon...hangon wait...w...okayssHHUTUPOHMYGAWED letMEDOITOKAY
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
I'm litch'rally TELLIN' ya to "do it" already!
I'm litch'rally TELLIN' ya to "do it" already!
CHERYL SAID:
notchyou, FISH!!! Themslil...urk...themslllillguyyysh innnthe boxxshess, ins the, commantssh....teefth??? They think I...I'm not gonna...haha, come on...thatttsh schtupidd! Youcan't mail to a...cyclebin...thatssh notta guy...notonnthishlayerr!!!....
notchyou, FISH!!! Themslil...urk...themslllillguyyysh innnthe boxxshess, ins the, commantssh....teefth??? They think I...I'm not gonna...haha, come on...thatttsh schtupidd! Youcan't mail to a...cyclebin...thatssh notta guy...notonnthishlayerr!!!....
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
I think she's lost it.
I think she's lost it.
CHERYL SAID:
ssshhhHHHHHHHHHHH LETMECONDENSTRATE OKAY!?!? OKAYI'LLSHENDTHETEEFTHbuttkayhanngggonigottagreatidea...hahhha...
ssshhhHHHHHHHHHHH LETMECONDENSTRATE OKAY!?!? OKAYI'LLSHENDTHETEEFTHbuttkayhanngggonigottagreatidea...hahhha...
ITEM USED: JAR OF TEETH
Cheryl pulls open the cardboard wine container, places the clicking, rattling jar of human(?) teeth inside, then folds the box closed again, each step of the process the kind of wobbly struggle you may have witnessed as an ape deduces the physical functions of a puzzle cube, even while its intended context remains quite elusive to it.
Cheryl pulls open the cardboard wine container, places the clicking, rattling jar of human(?) teeth inside, then folds the box closed again, each step of the process the kind of wobbly struggle you may have witnessed as an ape deduces the physical functions of a puzzle cube, even while its intended context remains quite elusive to it.
CHERYL SAID:
HEYYYYYIGOTSSAMAILTUHSSSEND!! M..MAYYUHLL!! YOUGOTTA...YOUGOTTAMMAIYYHLLATHINGIFF IGOTTATTHHHHHINGGGTUHMAYL!!!
HEYYYYYIGOTSSAMAILTUHSSSEND!! M..MAYYUHLL!! YOUGOTTA...YOUGOTTAMMAIYYHLLATHINGIFF IGOTTATTHHHHHINGGGTUHMAYL!!!
The huge figure stutters to a halt mid-way through its newest attack, a giant rusty letter-opener still clutched menacingly in one mitten.
GIANT HOMICIDAL POSTAL WORKER EFFIGY SAID:
...
......
...
...Neither...
Rain...
...Nor...ssssleet.
...
......
...
...Neither...
Rain...
...Nor...ssssleet.
The creature drops its weapon, as if in a daze, and reaches out its empty hand to receive the package.
CHERYL SAID:
Thissis...pffft...gettthiss..gawwd thisis gonnnbehilarouss...okkay... pfft...okay..
yougotta...PFFFT!...yougotts...de...d-del...holdonn...dell...deli...you...deliv.....d...DELIBIRD!!!!! GO DELIBIRDthisstaYERBOSSforme!!!Turnstosenderr!!!!! Tellem....givemm this...rightbackwhosentchuh...and... thissisportant....you TELLEM!....Tellyerrboss...tellem...tellemm "FURN" and the "BLOWS HOLE BROFFERS" SAID ...thatsimprotentpart...DONTFORGOT!! FERN ANDS THE BLOWHOMES, THOSES, THEESTWOGUYSRITEHERE ANNNNDME!!! FERNED!!! YOUTELLEM....TELLYERBOSS....YOUJUSTTELLEMWESAID.... SAID FOR EMmm...
forrem to fffff...
foRRYERBOSSTUH ffffffff....
thattwesaidfrorremtooffffff-fffff-fffffffffffffffffff........
Thissis...pffft...gettthiss..gawwd thisis gonnnbehilarouss...okkay... pfft...okay..
yougotta...PFFFT!...yougotts...de...d-del...holdonn...dell...deli...you...deliv.....d...DELIBIRD!!!!! GO DELIBIRDthisstaYERBOSSforme!!!Turnstosenderr!!!!! Tellem....givemm this...rightbackwhosentchuh...and... thissisportant....you TELLEM!....Tellyerrboss...tellem...tellemm "FURN" and the "BLOWS HOLE BROFFERS" SAID ...thatsimprotentpart...DONTFORGOT!! FERN ANDS THE BLOWHOMES, THOSES, THEESTWOGUYSRITEHERE ANNNNDME!!! FERNED!!! YOUTELLEM....TELLYERBOSS....YOUJUSTTELLEMWESAID.... SAID FOR EMmm...
forrem to fffff...
foRRYERBOSSTUH ffffffff....
thattwesaidfrorremtooffffff-fffff-fffffffffffffffffff........
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
W...wait...is this goin' where I th-
W...wait...is this goin' where I th-
CHERYL SAID:
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
HOLD IT, DON'T TICK'EM OFF ANYMORE THAN-
HOLD IT, DON'T TICK'EM OFF ANYMORE THAN-
CHERYL SAID:
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 'EMMSELLLLLLLLLLLFFFFFFF!!!! HEEELLYYYYEAHHHHBISSH!!!!!
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
Ohhhh no.
Ohhhh no.
The dolphins watch helplessly as the monster, wine box in one hand, the empty briefcase in the other, slithers back down into the garbage can tunnel from whence it arrived, like an octopus squeezing its way into a small bottle.
BLOWHOLE 2 SAID:
...I...uh...I don't think that was...really the wisest course of.....
...Furn?
...I...uh...I don't think that was...really the wisest course of.....
...Furn?
