's 2013 Horror Write-off:

" An Equine Question "

Submitted by J. Ford

What is the average size of an adult horse's head? Male or female, nose to skull base, it doesn't matter.

Moreover, how heavy can a horse's or donkey's head get when it reaches maturity?

Decomposition is not an issue, since it is beyond death.

I understand the above questions are pretty unorthodox. Allow me to explain.

I recently trapped a large equine looking creature in a deep hole. To gain the beast's secrets, I must remove his head and carry it wherever I go.

I've been having so much trouble trying to pick out a case to carry it in. The most obvious choice would be a duffel bag but that's too modern for the look and the fabric will erode upon the first drop of pus-blood. If it helps any, my heart is set on a valise but I am always in the market for something spacious yet classy. We don't want to cram the poor thing in there now do we?

There's a particularly good valise that I found made of brown leather. A classic look, the kind an old cowboy would carry. It looks very robust with a rounded body perhaps leaving some space in the interior.

More importantly the case, or valise, let's just say valise, needs to be of a strong material because this horse's mane isn't as soft as the others. Growing out the base of the creature's spine is a scourge of sinuous hairs. Stories say that the River Plate Indians weave these hairs into a thick mecate rope with two heavy weights attached at each end. The Indians would use it to hunt for game by throwing the weapon. As the braid flies, it makes a low hum akin to the movements of a wasp's wings.

One more thing I wanted to add. Suppose this horse head could speak. Not winnies and neighs, but coherent human speech. This special equine can comprehend any relevant language and converse in such a tongue despite the handicap of having its neck severed. Can the beast speak through the enclosure of the carrying case or will I need to crack it open. Maybe it doesn't need to talk in the traditional sense. I would be able to hear its speech on a completely telepathic frequency.

Am I the only one who can hear him? Of course they can, but they'll just think it's me. He is special to me because he is my guide. What vision I lack, he bestows sight and though my tongue is nonexistent, he blends my thoughts with his own. Just as a blind man needs a dog, I need a horse.

After all, it's no use being headless without a horse.