Bogleech.com's 2013 Horror Write-off:

" The Party Planner "

Submitted by Immutatus

"Hi, I was just calling to make sure everything was on track for the party on Friday."

"Absolutely. We just finalized the music selections."

"Music selections?"

"You know, for background music. You may not think people pay much attention to background music at parties, but they'll notice if it's not there."

"Oh, well... it's a Christmas party, so for music I would think just, you know, Christmas carols—"

"Christmas carols, yes, that's exactly what we had in mind, more or less."

"What do you mean, more or less?"

"Well, you know, Christmas is part of a long tradition of commemorations at that time, just the latest excuse to trot out borrowed customs. Yule, Yalda, Mōdraniht, Saturnalia, Dies Natali Solis Invicti... All of those had their own songs too, songs now forgotten by most people, but songs with real power..."

"I... think I'd rather just stick with the usual carols."

"You don't want your Christmas party to be the same as every other boring Christmas party out there, do you?"

"Really, being different is not a high priority..."

"Well, that's what you get when you hire Puckle Party Planning. We always strive to make sure you get something different."

"Okay, let's move on from the music. You're going to provide refreshments, right?"

"Of course. It's all part of the package deal."

"So what will you be bringing? Cookies? Cake?"

"Surely you don't want all that sugar. You want to consider your guests' health, don't you? No, our refreshments will be much more rich in protein."

"Protein? Oh... you mean like those meat and cheese platters."

"Yes, exactly. Like those meat and cheese platters. Not those meat and cheese platters, precisely, but like them. In some ways."

"So in what ways isn't it like those meat and cheese platters?"

"Well, for one thing, the meat we'll bring will be slightly more... alive."

"You're going to bring live animals to a Christmas party?"

"No, no, no. Well, technically yes, I mean, I suppose they are animals, but not the animals you're probably thinking of. Not any animals you've ever heard of, I'm sure. I guarantee none of your guests will recognize them."

"Look, I'm starting to have some serious second thoughts about this. Really, I don't think anyone's going to want to come to a party with weird ancient music and live animals on the refreshment table."

"Oh, ha ha. Ha ha ha. Don't you worry about that. We'll make sure all your guests show up. Whether they want to or not."

"That's not... I mean, this party isn't mandatory..."

"It is now! Just a standard part of our service."

"But—"

"And we've already got everything prepared for the dismemberment."

"Dismemberment? What? I don't want our guests dismembered."

"Ha ha ha ha, no. Of course not. We wouldn't think of dismembering your guests. No, that's for the décor. Limbs and other body parts scattered judiciously about, and of course most importantly the severed heads. We do have plenty of bits left over from previous affairs, of course, but it always has a greater impact if we use people the guests know, and preferably people they're close to..."

"Are you insane? I don't want anybody killed for party decorations!"

"What? Who said anything about killing?"

"You—you just did. You were talking about dismembering, and severed heads—"

"Oh, ha, no. Nonononono. No, of course we're not going to kill anybody. We've developed techniques of cutting people apart while leaving them very much alive. After all, if you wanted a lifeless severed head just sitting there, well, a rubber prop would do nearly as well as a real one. No, that's the whole point of using real people, so they can be alive and screaming."

"Um..."

"You'd think the severed heads might scream just at the horror of their disembodied predicament, but no. Well, some do, yes, but not all. So we use other techniques to get them all screaming. See, I'm going to let you in on a little trade secret. The heads may not be physically attached to the rest of their bodies anymore, but they still feel them. Every bit of them. So what we do is, we put the heads where they'll have the most effect, and then we apply proper stimuli to other parts we keep in reserve in the back. Of course, most of the body parts we're going to want to use for decoration. Severed limbs always look nice, and a good torso here and there can really provide an attention-grabbing accent. So mostly, we use the... ah, how to put it delicately. The lower torso. The pelvic region. The rest of the body parts we distribute around the venue for ambiance, and then we keep those parts in reserve in back, and when we want to elicit some screams we spray them liberally with mace. That usually does it."

"This is insane. You are utterly insane."

"I know what you're thinking. How can a severed head scream, with no lungs attached? We get that question a lot. But, heh, after all, I'm not going to give away all our trade secrets."

"I don't know why I let this conversation go on as long as it has. No. This is... it's off. I'll find a different party planner. I don't want you coming anywhere near my party. I don't want to hear from you ever again."

"Oh. Ha. I'm sorry. I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. Once you've made the call, the deal is sealed. There's nothing you can do about it now."

"There's no way you're going to--"

"See you Friday. Don't worry; this will be a party your guests will never forget.""Hi, I was just calling to make sure everything was on track for the party on Friday."

"Absolutely. We just finalized the music selections."

"Music selections?"

"You know, for background music. You may not think people pay much attention to background music at parties, but they'll notice if it's not there."

"Oh, well... it's a Christmas party, so for music I would think just, you know, Christmas carols—"

"Christmas carols, yes, that's exactly what we had in mind, more or less."

"What do you mean, more or less?"

"Well, you know, Christmas is part of a long tradition of commemorations at that time, just the latest excuse to trot out borrowed customs. Yule, Yalda, Mōdraniht, Saturnalia, Dies Natali Solis Invicti... All of those had their own songs too, songs now forgotten by most people, but songs with real power..."

"I... think I'd rather just stick with the usual carols."

"You don't want your Christmas party to be the same as every other boring Christmas party out there, do you?"

"Really, being different is not a high priority..."

"Well, that's what you get when you hire Puckle Party Planning. We always strive to make sure you get something different."

"Okay, let's move on from the music. You're going to provide refreshments, right?"

"Of course. It's all part of the package deal."

"So what will you be bringing? Cookies? Cake?"

"Surely you don't want all that sugar. You want to consider your guests' health, don't you? No, our refreshments will be much more rich in protein."

"Protein? Oh... you mean like those meat and cheese platters."

"Yes, exactly. Like those meat and cheese platters. Not those meat and cheese platters, precisely, but like them. In some ways."

"So in what ways isn't it like those meat and cheese platters?"

"Well, for one thing, the meat we'll bring will be slightly more... alive."

"You're going to bring live animals to a Christmas party?"

"No, no, no. Well, technically yes, I mean, I suppose they are animals, but not the animals you're probably thinking of. Not any animals you've ever heard of, I'm sure. I guarantee none of your guests will recognize them."

"Look, I'm starting to have some serious second thoughts about this. Really, I don't think anyone's going to want to come to a party with weird ancient music and live animals on the refreshment table."

"Oh, ha ha. Ha ha ha. Don't you worry about that. We'll make sure all your guests show up. Whether they want to or not."

"That's not... I mean, this party isn't mandatory..."

"It is now! Just a standard part of our service."

"But—"

"And we've already got everything prepared for the dismemberment."

"Dismemberment? What? I don't want our guests dismembered."

"Ha ha ha ha, no. Of course not. We wouldn't think of dismembering your guests. No, that's for the décor. Limbs and other body parts scattered judiciously about, and of course most importantly the severed heads. We do have plenty of bits left over from previous affairs, of course, but it always has a greater impact if we use people the guests know, and preferably people they're close to..."

"Are you insane? I don't want anybody killed for party decorations!"

"What? Who said anything about killing?"

"You—you just did. You were talking about dismembering, and severed heads—"

"Oh, ha, no. Nonononono. No, of course we're not going to kill anybody. We've developed techniques of cutting people apart while leaving them very much alive. After all, if you wanted a lifeless severed head just sitting there, well, a rubber prop would do nearly as well as a real one. No, that's the whole point of using real people, so they can be alive and screaming."

"Um..."

"You'd think the severed heads might scream just at the horror of their disembodied predicament, but no. Well, some do, yes, but not all. So we use other techniques to get them all screaming. See, I'm going to let you in on a little trade secret. The heads may not be physically attached to the rest of their bodies anymore, but they still feel them. Every bit of them. So what we do is, we put the heads where they'll have the most effect, and then we apply proper stimuli to other parts we keep in reserve in the back. Of course, most of the body parts we're going to want to use for decoration. Severed limbs always look nice, and a good torso here and there can really provide an attention-grabbing accent. So mostly, we use the... ah, how to put it delicately. The lower torso. The pelvic region. The rest of the body parts we distribute around the venue for ambiance, and then we keep those parts in reserve in back, and when we want to elicit some screams we spray them liberally with mace. That usually does it."

"This is insane. You are utterly insane."

"I know what you're thinking. How can a severed head scream, with no lungs attached? We get that question a lot. But, heh, after all, I'm not going to give away all our trade secrets."

"I don't know why I let this conversation go on as long as it has. No. This is... it's off. I'll find a different party planner. I don't want you coming anywhere near my party. I don't want to hear from you ever again."

"Oh. Ha. I'm sorry. I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. Once you've made the call, the deal is sealed. There's nothing you can do about it now."

"There's no way you're going to--"

"See you Friday. Don't worry; this will be a party your guests will never forget."