's 2014 Horror Write-off:

" Babies Can Swim "

Submitted by Anonymous

I’m gonna keep this short. I just want to talk about babies real quick.

When I was little, my mother Noria took me and my brothers to a shallow little pond for a bath. My brother Japheth had only just been born. Our mother told us that newborns could swim and hold their breath. She lowered Japheth into the water so we could see for ourselves. We were impressed, especially since no one we knew of could swim. The world was a dry, mostly barren place back then, and people feared the ocean, staying clear of the coastlines. Yeah, everyone was terrified of the ocean, and the more I think of it, the more I suspect it might have been some sort of premonition.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of years. There we were on the arch, happy that all the screaming and splashing and knocking against the hull of the ship had stopped, because no matter what they might have told you, it’s not fun to listen to thousands of people drowning in divine justice. There was this one group who held on to a giant war elephant… but I digress. My father Noah kept ranting on how all of this was part of our god’s grand design, and how our family was the only one which deserved to be saved, and that we should relish the thought that all the sinners and their brood had been washed from the Earth. I’m not sure deep down he really believed all of that though, because it was right around this time that he started drinking, and he never stopped.

But then shortly after the rain, as my father, my brothers and I were standing on the deck of the arch, we heard a cry, and then another one, and then I saw the first little head emerging from the waves. There were many more to come. They were all swimming towards the arch. They tried to cling on to the wood, but of course they didn’t have any strength in their chubby little arms. I was rather glad they couldn’t climb up to us on their own, to be honest. I’ve never seen so many of them in one place, and I never want to again.

But my father, he was a pragmatic guy, and seemingly unshaken in his faith. “Behold, my sons!”, he said, “The Lord has made us a gift! The LORD takes care of his Chosen ones!”

He told us to fetch some nets.


My father had made it very clear from the start that the sleeping animals on board were off-limits, since there were only two of each.

So, yeah. Babies.