's 2014 Horror Write-off:

" Just a collection "

Submitted by Brian Shadensack

Listen, it ran in my family.

Hearing voices, I was used to dealing with other people so when it happened to me I could deal. No problem.

But then one day a voice told me to kill the President, and it sounded like it was coming from my end table.

So I looked, and the end table had a mouth. I didn't lose it then. Voices come with hallucinations. But when I reached for it, the end table, it bit me; and I lost it.


I hit my arm the other day and there was a rattle. Like when a screw goes loose in a machine. I went to the doctor, had an x-ray, looked normal. Told me it was in my head. Went to a pshyciatrist, gave me some anti something or other drugs, didn't make the sound go away. Got fed up, cut my arm open, screw fell out.


You have 1 new message from phone number 214- 323-1222, message recieved 2 weeks ago:

"OH GOD ITS IN MY HOU...." The rest screaming and squelching and static.

And Im not scared, Im angry. Not because my friend died, but because what kind of cellphone takes two weeks to recieve a message, fucking coast to coast coverage my ass.


I was told that he had a heart of gold. I just had to find out.


Scratching at the loose piece of skin on my neck I tell the same joke.

"What has 100 feet and 3 teeth?"

"The front row of the Jerry Springer Audience?"


The loose piece comes off.


It took me two weeks to realize that I was in a one day stable time loop.


He didn't die because of a heart attack, he died because his organs had a strong union and went on strike.


"They say you can buy anything, but do they ever think of what that really means?"

"Thats nice and all, but I'm not here for debate, I'm here because I want a rebate for this arm you sold me."


"So, anyways I told the officer that 'hey its cool she gave consent', and he's all lah blah blah corpses can't talk..."