Bogleech.com's 2014 Horror Write-off:
" NOTATURKEY "
"Dammit Emmett, calm down and tell me in proper English!"
"I caught a thing! In my trap! Broke one of legs in the trap, but the thing climbs like a monkey!
"You caught a monkey?!"
"No! It'sa turkey, but it ain't like no turkey I've ever seen!"
"It got, like, a tail!"
"You idiot! All turkeys have tails!"
"No! You don't get it! I know turkeys have tails of feathers, but this one gota like, a real tail!"
"I mean it gots a long thick tail that keeps slappin' me around with! Like, like a kangaroo tail! Only covered with feathers!"
"Dammit Emmett! Have you been drinking again?!"
"NO! Swear to God I'm dead sober! It's got this long thick tail, almost longer than the body, all covered in feathers! And then at the very tip it's got a little fan of feathers!"
"Emmett, no turkey has a tail like that! I think maybe some branches and grass got stuck to it with mud, and now its all dried up and stuff and you think it's dragging a tail! Really, Emmett!"
"NO! It's not like that! It's thick at the base and tapers out, until it has a little fan at the tip! And I've touched it! The tail's flesh and blood alright, ain't no branches or mud or whatnot!"
"Dammit Emmett! If it gots a tail, then it ain't a turkey! You probably got a fox or sumthin'!"
"No! This thing...well, it ain't a fox!"
"So what makes you think this a turkey then?"
"Well, it gots feathers. And wings, sortof."
"What?! It either has or hasn't, you can't just say 'sortof'! How can you not be sure?!"
"It has feathers, I yanked out a bunch, but the wings, well, they got claws! Like big claws! Like a hawk's!"
"Dammit, ain't no bird got claws on its wings! It's prolly hunched up and you-"
"NO! It ain't its foot or anything! This thing's got these wicked sharp claws on each wing, and don't you dare tell me them thorns or whatever stuck in em! It can wiggle them a bit, scratched me up proper like a wildcat! And the feet are worse!"
"The FEET are WORSE?! Emmett, you ain't makin' a lick of sense!"
"It's got these skinny little turkey legs, but it has the these sharp claws! And on each foot, one o' them claws bigger and sharper than the rest! And it hold it upright like a pirate's hooK!"
"Calm down Emmett! Poor thing's probably deformed! Remember that club-footed chicken we used to have? Does it look sick?"
"I'm not finished yet! The thing also got an ugly head, like all naked and bright red and stuff! That's whats made me think of a turkey!"
"You numbnuts! All turkeys have bare heads!"
"No! Turkeys don't have feathers on their necks and heads, but this one gots feathers all the way up to head, only the top part bare!"
"You numbnuts! That'sa turkey buzzard! Boy don't tell you got em mixed up just because they called TURKEY buzzards?!"
"It ain't no turkey buzzard! Can't fly for one thing. Also, the little bugger's got teeth!"
"I said the thing's got teeth! Like sharp little teeth!"
"You're saying this thing's got teeth in it beak?"
"Well, it's not so much a beak. More like a baby gator's mouth!"
"Emmett, either you're goin crazy, or I am! You're telling you've got this turkey that ain't a turkey, got claws like a hawk on its wings and feet, got a long tail, and got teeth like a gator! That a straight-up gremlin you got there!"
"Nevermind! I'm gonna come see for myself! It dead yet?"
"No, little bugger's alive! Screaming its head off, nasty little bugger! Managed to tie a rope around it's neck, little bastard's clambering around like a monkey with its wing-claws and stuff! And forget about tying up the wings and claws, lost enough blood for one day! Can you bring some bandages? This things got me cut up pretty badly! And can you bring the gun just in case? Once or twice I've head screaming that's coming from the trees, and it sounds like more of these buggers! Don't want a whole flock of em on me!"
"Alright, just hold still, I'm coming down now!"