Bogleech.com's 2014 Horror Write-off:
" selfie.jpg "
I guess it... it started with me needing help with a game I was playing. On my, my Game Boy, one of those Zelda games, díyou... Nevermind, itís not that important. I was stuck at one part and couldnít figure out how to get past it, so I went looking around the internet and found a forum where people... yíknow, talked about the games and helped each other out. So I joined up and everyone there was so friendly... Really just, very nice, really welcoming. Besides the games talk, they had an off-topic section, and one of the threads was a... a selfie thread, you know- Pictures of yourself, yeah. It was nice, and Iíd hang out in there a lot and tell people what I liked about their pictures. Couple people I got close to kept telling me I oughta post one, and I told Ďem about the accident, and how my face got all f-fucked up, can I say that? Okay, sorry. Sorry.
I did post a couple with just, my eyes showing, with a scarf or something else over the rest, cuz I was real self-conscious and you know how the internet can be... I didnít want anybody taking it and putting it somewhere to get laughed at. They got whole sites for that. Itís gross but what díyou expect.
One of them, I got real close to. Her screen name on the site was LammyDance, and she went by Lammy. I was Smiles, some... some number, I donít remember. And she was just, the sweetest person. Real warm and helpful to everybody... We started talking on Skype some, and weíd even voice chat. I believe she really cared about me, always told me she thought I was beautiful, and we exchanged Christmas cards and everything so I... I took a picture of myself for her. My whole face. Sheíd wanted to see if for a long time, got a little bit pushy about it, and I didnít want to disappoint her. Didnít even really look at the photos at first cuz I knew Iíd just get all upset and change my mind, so it was all off-center and not lit too well... I sent it to her, and only her.
That part really scared me cuz, for a while she didnít respond. Didnít go offline or anything, just wouldnít talk back to me. I typed stuff to her, said I was sorry and I knew it was bad and ugly, freaky-looking... Then I got to worrying, but sheíd always been so nice I couldnít imagine she was doing it all just to make fun of me. I donít believe that was why, I think she really did mean well, but... sorry. Iím getting all- Iíll keep going.
Lammy did come back eventually, said she got an anxiety attack and that she was okay, and promised it wasnít cuz of my face. I believed her cuz I knew she had problems with that, but she didnít say anything more except that she wanted to go relax and... and that was the last time we talked. She got offline and didnít come back on.
Couple... days later, Iím getting worried, since itís been a long time since I heard from her. I had her real name because of the cards but I wasnít on Facebook too much. I went to look at hers and she... she put my picture up there. Not in like a, ďhey look at this freakĒ kinda way but just. No comments or anything, not by her. Just posted on her wall thing. Couple of other people going ew gross, and that hurt but mostly I was just confused. I went and asked her to take it down, thinking maybe it was a mistake, that she meant to put something else up there and clicked mine instead, but she didnít get back to me. Nobody I knew could get ahold of her.
Another online friend told me someone had put my picture up somewhere else, got it from her facebook. Posted it on some other site, tumblr I think. I didnít use it so I didnít know much about how it worked but I went to message the person anyway and ask them nicely to take it down... Maybe report them if they wouldnít. Really I was just panicking at that point. It had taken me so long to even get to the point of wanting to show myself to people and it seemed like someone I really trusted had gone and shown off my picture to a bunch of strangers so they could all laugh about how gross I was... I still didnít quite believe that. I didnít want to.
I went to all the blogs that had reposted it, that I could find and sent them messages. I sat there clicking refresh, waiting for hours in hopes that any of them would get back to me, not sleeping or anything. I even... I gave them my Skype if they wanted to talk there, but they just... It seemed like after they posted the picture of me, theyíd either stop or theyíd make a couple posts saying they werenít feeling good and had to go away for a while... Eventually I stopped trying to contact everybody sharing it cuz it was just too many, hundreds of them, and I... I knew theyíd forget about it eventually, and itíd die down. Itís just a picture. None of those people knew me and I didnít know them, and never would. I stayed off the internet for a while and that helped me feel a little better.
Lammyís Facebook was the first thing I checked on when I finally got back on. I didnít know what to expect, since she hadnít come back on Skype either. Turned out sheíd killed herself... The, the page was full of her friends and family saying how sorry they were, how sheíd be missed, she was beautiful, yíknow... And my photo. Sheíd never taken it down. I didnít really look at the comments but I bet itís still there if you want to. Then it just, hit me out of nowhere. That this might be my fault. That she did this cuz she saw me, and the other blogs, that all posted it. I looked at some of them too when I calmed down a little, and it was the same. The photo and then a... either nothing or a couple posts. Sometimes they said goodbye, but mostly the posts just stopped. Everywhere was just, people saying they couldnít sleep, that they were sick, or anxious or feeling scared... I knew it was ridiculous. I mean, Iím... I look awful, I know that, but I didnít think peopleíd kill themselves just for looking at me. I did go outside, sometimes, and Iíd see people and nothing happened to them. Hell, y- sorry. Youíre looking at me now and youíre not...
I even thought a couple times that maybe if I was dead the effectíd stop, but I couldnít know for sure, so I... and I donít really wanna die. Sometimes I think I do but I donít, really. I hadnít thought about it in a long time. Mostly I just, I didnít know if anybodyíd come for me, and Iíd just rot in my bathtub or whatever... Seemed too sad to go through with.
I dunno what to think... I know itís crazy but I think it was the photo. I got rid of it but I canít take it down from anywhere else itís been posted, and moreín more people are gonna see it and I canít do anything. And thatís all I gotta say about it. I havenít gone back to any of those places or taken any more photos since then.
Iím not a bad person. I never meant to hurt people.
I just wanted to feel good about myself.
Thatís all anybody ever wants.