's 2014 Horror Write-off:

" Red Bull: Harmless energy drink, or proof of sinister forces? "

Submitted by Mars J Letourneau

Here's the thing. This can of Red Bull showed up in my fridge one day, which would be fine but nobody in my house drinks red bull. In fact, most of them vocally hate it. It stayed there for a month or two, and once I safely decided it didn't belong to anyone I drank it, because hey I'd never actually tried it before. The flavor was weird, strong, and kind of unpleasant, but not that offensive. Anyway, that's not the point. I noticed something that really bothered me. On the bottom of the can in small print it said "contains taurine." Taurine is the reason you can't have a vegan cat, it's an organic acid found almost exclusively in animal tissue, especially the bile of the large intestine. The implications are obviously unsettling. Is there flesh in Red Bull? Where do they get it? And from what animal? Now, taurine can be helpful for some medical conditions, but for most humans it's not very important. You could go your entire life without getting any in your diet and be just fine. However, taurine is a necessary part of a cat's diet, their bodies cannot synthesize it, and without it their retinas would degenerate and they would go blind. Does this mean that Red Bull is for cats?? You might think so, but that's not what I believe... What's another animal that needs taurine in its diet. Something like a cat but older, craftier, more cunning.

A weasel.

That's right, the weasel has existed on this planet for far longer than we have. In fact, the very first mammal to exist was for all intents and purposes a weasel. My belief, ladies gentleman and otherwise, is that this is evidence of a secret race of WEASELFOLK! This is a theory I've harbored for some time, but this is some of the first evidence I've seen that there may truly be a conspiracy. The weaselfolk live among us, and are quite common on the streets of large cities. They have elaborate ways of communicating via secret code, with subtle gestures and in ways that they dress. They are likely to be intelligent and charismatic, someone people like to be around. Physically, they would probably have a longer torso and somewhat elongated braincase, but they could easily have the technology to disguise themselves like other non humans.

The question that is burning in me, is do they ally with or live in competition with reptilians? Which reptilian races would they ally with? What are their intentions with regards to humans? Our sinister and occasionally obnoxious goddess Eris commands me to search for the truth! I will be doing some reading and observing, your ever vigilant friend will figure this out! Look forward to my initial findings next week everyone.

EDIT: Hello, everyone. I am not going be posting for a while. I've discovered something about myself and I think I'm going to do other things for now. Don't look into the weaselfolk thing. Weaselfolk definitely are not real. With love, this blogger.