's 2015 Horror Write-off:

" Dear Abley "

Submitted by Stickydot

    Dear Abley,

        The little girl who lives next door eats the dirt out of our potted plants, even when we bring them inside, she climbs through a window and just goes to town. Her mother refuses to acknowledge us or her daughter when confronted, and even goes as far as insisting she doesn't have a child! Please, Abley, I need help with this, my cacti are dying.

                    Plant Enthusiast

    Dear Plant Enthusiast,

        Lace the cacti dirt with lemon juice. It is known to keep feral changelings, which often pretend to belong to neighbors, away from your house. In fact, spraying the entryways into your house with the stuff will probably help out the most in the long run.


    Dear Abley,

        A massive hellhole appeared in our backyard two weeks ago. It didn't do anything until yesterday, when pale, blonde and blue-eyed clones of my daughter started climbing out. Problem is, my family, including my daughter, is black. Is the hellhole racist, or am I overthinking it's capabilities?

                    Concerned Mother

    Dear Concerned Mother,

        This may sound silly, but it worked for a dear friend of mine, who had a similar problem. Write a letter of complaint, polite, but firm, and place it on the edge of the hellhole. Do not push it into the hellhole, and by the next day, you should be receiving correct clones.


    Dear Abley,

        My mother keeps asking us to give her a child. I have been firm in my decision to no listen to her, as she has still not told us what she did with the last two. This has led to fights and accusations that I am tearing the family apart. How can I keep my mother happy, but still keep children away from her?

                    Distressed Daughter

    Dear Distressed Daughter,

        It might be time to find a nursing home for your mother. They will be able to provide her with more children than she will know what to do with, and she will have you to thank for her good fortune.


    Dear Abley,

        My dog keeps spewing oil from his nose. The vets said it was normal for a hellhound his age, but I can't help but be worried for him, he's still a puppy to me. I've had him since I was six, and the thought of losing him has me so worried. Please help me with your advice!

                    Old Dog

    Dear Old Dog,

        Do not fear, hellhounds never truly die, they are simply reborn as hellpuppies. Though it may take a while, if your 'hound loved you as much as you seem to love him, he will find his way back to you.


    Dear Abley,

        My mom won't let me date anyone. She says that when I'm old enough, the perfect guy will just fall into my arms. I haven't told her that I don't have venom sacs like she does, and I'm scared that she will think I'm a failure of a son for never being able to inject my offspring into anyone. How can I tell her I'm broken without breaking her heart?

                    Sad Son

    Dear Sad Son,

        Your mother sounds like she wants what is best for you and your future offspring. Telling her may seem difficult at first, but I am sure she will not love you any less, and may even provide you with help. Just keep your words gentle, and don't say it during meals.


    Dear Abley,

        My daughter is getting married in four months, but she doesn't want children at her wedding. This has caused her older siblings to declare that they will not be attending at all. I believe her right to a wedding the way she wants is most important, and have even offered cheap babysitters, but they refuse to attend without my grandchildren. How can I keep the peace, but still let my baby girl have her big day?


    Dear MOTB,

        I have no clue how to help you. Please seak professinal help. this is not wat i no. i am sorry