" Roommate "

My roommate is a dick. 

The guy was never around. He was always locked in his room while leaving all the work to me. I could hear him moving around at night, banging around and clinking plates and glasses while I was trying to sleep.

Every morning I found a bunch of dirty plates in the sink, and all the leftovers were gone from the fridge. He ate a fucking lot, and never made his own food. Id be a rich if I had a nickel for every time I found an empty orange juice or milk jug laying in the fridge.

And scrubbing down the plates were the worst! They were always covered in grime and some goddamn black sludge that dried on and was a bitch to get off. I can't imagine what the guys room must of looked like. 

I gave up on the floors ages ago. Carpet got torn to hell and any hardwood or tiles were scratched the fuck up. Never any dirt or footprints though, I'll give him that. Once I stopped caring about the scratches sweeping was a breeze.  

There was a silent war over the thermostat. I always woke up sweating like a pig. He had the thing turned up so god damn high, I started cranking it down as low as it could go just to spite him. 

Oh, and he'd leave the TV running, too. Not even on a normal channel, he just tuned it to static. I think he might just be leaving it on to run up the electricity bill and annoy me. 

I finally had enough of it one night, while I was laying awake in bed, praying the beast would just go back to his room already. There was this sickening noise echoing through the pipes, along with rushing water. A sort of glugging. It was organic. The sound of something trying to swallow a fish that was slightly to big for its throat. Gulping and gagging as it slowly pulled it down with its best efforts. 

I slowly slid out of my bed, dressed in my pajamas. He never came in my room but I didn't want to risk him barging in while I was indecent. I tried catching him like this before, late at night, but he always heard me and retreated before I could catch him. 

So I snuck out quiet, creaking open the door slowly and sneaking down the hall in my bunny slippers. I could see a light on in the kitchen, but it was still mostly dark, a large ominous shadow casting over the room. I get to the end of the hall and leaned around the corner slowly, finally getting a good look at the thing in the kitchen. 

Hunched over the sink was something all black. It looked like it was cut from darkness itself, only able to be seen by the light cast by the open fridge door. It was lumpy, bulbous, looking much like a giant tumor than any living being, proped up by dozens and dozens of needle like legs, impossibly thin and twitching slightly as it tried to hold up the weight of the thing. 

It had an orifice, like a perfectly circular pit filled with teeth, engulfing the faucet, gulping and sucking as it drank, a thick black sludge covering the metal. Two long doughy stumps hung at its side, planted on the counter to keep its balance. 

Discarded food littered the floor, empty plastic containers strewn about. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, my body froze up and just sort of kept moving, my insomnia addled brain just sort of took over and I flicked on the lights. 

"Dude, Seriously?" A drowsy groan poured from my mouth and the thing jumped, skittering around in shock as it banged its head against the sink, leaving disgusting black smudges on the metal as it finally pulled its head from the faucet, a long sucking tentacle thing pulled back into its "mouth" as it turned to face me. Black sludge clogged in the faucet, clugging and burbling before it finally splashed down into the drain, water spraying at high pressure and slowly returning to normal, washing the gunk away. 

The thing jerked around, looking between the sink, the open fridge, and me. It backed into the counter, holding up its doughy arms as if I was holding a gun to it. 

A weary sigh escaped my throat and I put up a hand to calm it. "Dude, dude. It's fine. Just, get a glass next time, alright? That's unhygienic as hell."  The thing looked confused, and then ashamed, it's doughy arms crossing behind it as it skittered around. I rubbed my eyes, glancing at it as I leaned against the wall. "And fucking clean up after yourself." 

It collected the empty plastic containers and dumped them in the garbage, and got everything back in the fridge, shutting it gently. It slowly crawled back towards its rooms, dozens of legs moving about in an unnatural stride. "Yeah, yeah. I'm going back to bed. Goodnight." It disappeared into its room and I disappeared into mine, leaving the apartment in silence once more. 

The next morning, I sifted through various letters and bills. A stack of money had appeared on the kitchen table when I had woken up. Enough for some groceries and to pay the bills. 

I guess my roommate can't be all bad. I mean, he pays half the rent.