Bogleech.com's 2016 Horror Write-off:
An Ad Found in the Back of an Unreadable Porn Magazine Stained with Blood
Hi there! Are you lonely? In need of someone who understands your needs? So begotten and vile that no one will touch you with a ten foot pitchfork?
These lovely ladies are here to solve all of your problems! By making things so mindbogglingly awful that your old problems will be fond memories you can barely hold onto through the horrors they inflict upon you!
Gagthrak and Smegadom, the underworld's premier sex operators are taking calls now!
Worried they can't cater to your fucked up desires? Are you one of those people who walks down the street and thinks: "I wish I were balls deep in that farm animal while someone rams something up my ass!" and then the crushing realization hits that you'll never find anyone as fucked up as you? Have you ever wanted to be inflated like a balloon? That's fun! How about being inflated with the vile psychic effluence that all life leaves on the pristine surface of creation? Maybe you've always wanted to taste week old tampons? Or McDonald's food?
Let them fulfill your every twisted want and need! It doesn't matter if you want to be beaten within an inch of your life or four inches passed it! Perhaps you're interested in being turned into a sentient pile of viscera who's nerve endings are somehow still functioning and conscious, providing hours of luscious, thrilling agony and you must scream but you. Have no? Mouth!
Gagthrak and Smegadom are here to give you what you need! They'll do anything on Heave- Hahaaaa... Well, just anything... To get you off! Even if that means they need to show you what a plumbus actually does! Or fuck you with an entire corpse!
Are you tired of the inability to have a paingasm because your mortal nerve endings would kill you before you could experience it? Or even a blorgasm because you lack the right, artisanal handmade orifices? They've got you covered! Usually with filth, but also in the metaphorical sense! These two hot demons(and we mean LITERALLY hot.) have over two hundred thousand years of experience! Do you need a mommy to love and take care of you because your childhood left you mentally broken and you wear adult diapers to feel even vaguely loved even though it's impossible for anyone to love you? They even do that!* Have you been a bad boy who needs a firm mistress to punish him? Have you been such a bad boy you're currently in prison? Just wait for the execution and these ready and willing beauties of infinite sadism will be waiting on the other side to serve you** for eternity!
Has this ever happened to you!? You're jerking it while looking at barely legal bondage cheerleaders and you think to yourself, 'This just isn't doing it. What I really need is someone to brutally eat me and digest me while I scream through a mouthful of rancid vomit!'. Well, you're in luck! Gagthrak is an expert at gnashing AND rending! Do you want to just be swallowed whole so you can feel the crushing warmth wrap around you in a digestive, gurgling prison of acidic bliss that slowly melts your soft tissues while you whimper in agony beyond mortal understanding? Smegadom can swallow anyone of any size, or even groups if you don't want to wail in misery alone! Call now!
Or maybe you've been hanging yourself in your closet, inching closer and closer to death in an effort to feel that intense, wasteful speck of an orgasm, but what you really want is to have a BDSM orgy with your entire family and you got kicked out of that Halloween party and banned from family events forever because you got drunk and told your mom you weren't too old for a serious spanking, Thomas Albassor at 556 Worthington Drive, Minnesota, The Planet Earth? Look no further! These ladies will BECOME YOUR FAMILY. Or kidnap your family and force them into bondage slavery for the authentic incest experience!*** With Smegadom and Gagthrak, you have options!****
Nothing is off the table! Ṋ̡͚O̶̙͇̖̙ͅT͈͚̳̲̩͍͘H̼̖͖̼́I̜̳̦͈͟N͉̗̪̕G̠̤͢.͉͈ Gagthrak and Smegadom can make your wildest nightmares come true! But only if you call now and give these luscious ladies a chance!
To call, just kill the power to your house, take off your clothes, let your phone battery die and then stare into the blackness of the screen until your universe becomes an utter, hopeless eternity of darkness! Then just hit six a bunch of times or something until your mind breaks. When your phone shows a shrieking, skinless object that might once have been a face, you've got one of our highly trained operators on the line! Tell them which wonderful lady of the night you want to treat you like the slime you are*****, and they'll connect you with the demoness of your dreams! Also you should have been having horrifying prophetic dreams about calling and should know this already. C̱̹̰͟A̞̦LL̞.͇̞̖͔̟ ̗̗͕̮̯N̜͘O͉̲̝͓W̷̼̳̫̞̻.̼͉̖̘͞ͅ I̖̞T͔ ͎̝̣IṢ̝̝̭͍̳ ̥̩̯̯I̵͎͍̘͔̗̫N͎̪̜͙É͚̰̫̭V̼̤̹̣̰̳͎ỊṰ̛̝̰͙̬̦͔A̗͓̙̟͇B̛L̻̮̕E̺̤̝̪͙̟͖͡.͡
*Extra fees may apply for nice treatment. These fees include but are not limited to: Put through a strainer. Eating a live cobra. Body cavities becoming an equal weight of parasites. Eyes devouring optic nerves. Removal of A̖͕̫̬̟L͇̻͔̘L̖̥̟̘̹̲ ͎̬̭O͉̩F̳͍̙̼ ̩̬͎Y͉̺̙̼͙O̲̥̟̰͎͓̳͢U̜̹̱ͅR̝̥͔̹͚͡ ̙͈O͡R̢͎̥̝̫͍̣̬G̷͕͈̱A̼̹̣͚̹͞N̼̣̲̺̻̲ͅS͉̤ ̠͈͍̳T͓̭̲̥͞Ḫ̘͚̯̰͕̘RO̵̹̠͎̰U̧̺͖̤͍̠ͅG̱͔H͈̝̮̦ ̩̱̦̫̭̫O͏̹͓Ṇ̼̫̰̩ͅE̱̤ ̴̥̠̤̬O̺F̠̗͍̰̰̥ ̧͇̮̞̲͓Y͍̘O̰U͉̪R̬̬ͅ ͉̠̩̪͇͔F͕̩̭E̴E͍̟̼͖͍T̙̩̰̥ͅ. Ų̶͈̫̗̟̥̤̀ͅN̛̬͉̫͓L̨̛͙̗̮͖͖̗̲̮̯͘Ę̷̬̝̩͍̟́S̷͖̦̦͎̹̲̟̪̀Ś̢͎̦̭̞̞̰ ̧̘͔͚͉̗̖W͇͔̠̤ͅḘ̯̗̭͖̫̰̝ ̕LI̵̴̺̟̬̙̦̱ͅK̢͚̼͕͈͟ͅḚ̶͖̘ ̶̛̱̤͍̦Ỳ̀O͏̧͕̬͈͞Ų͖̯̹̺̣͎͉̀.̭̼̭̟͍́͜͠ ̻͔͚̖̬̮̣͟T͏̯̰H̪͍̜͍͜E̖̣͉̦͢N͓͔̟̗̗̗͘ ̯̳͖̭̠̦̝̤ͅI̷̳͍̠̱͈̝̟̝T͕̱̗ ̥̥̣͓̪̗̠I̺͖̥̤̦̦͞S͔̫̙ͅ ̩̠̼͈͎F̡͈͈R̷͉̜̺̥͟E̷͕̣̘̰̱͎̫̳E̵̶̡͈̤̻.̱͇͇̘
**As food. For the wailing mouths of the broken damned innumerable. You will still feel their rotting teeth long after you should be able to.
***Family may or may not be returned. Smegadom and Gagthrak reserve the right to substitute black eyed, soulless golems that only look like your family and know all of your secrets.
****No, you don't. W̺̳͇̣͎̩̪E̶̳͝ ͔͝͡͝Ò̡̩͓͔͓̼͍̣͙͜W̢̻Ņ͙͕̟̖̘̻̪͞͝ ̢̲Y̖͕͍͟͡ͅO̶͖̫̟̪̤̟͠ͅU͉̣͇͝.̵̧̭͉̖̟̖͔̰̣̟
*****Which one you want is irrelevant. Y̖̬̹̬Ó̗͎̙͓̮͙U̳̯ ̘̮H̸̦̙͈̥͈A̻V̫͉͖̥͞E̛̞̹̜̼̩̜ ̶̝B͇̹͎̗͕̀ͅE̼E̮̺̣̹Ṉ̸͈͎͇̻ ̗̯̩̳̰C͍̖̥̗͕̩H̯̩̮̩͙͞OS̘̤̟̭E̛̟͎N̙͓͇̺͖͖ ̟͓̺S̞͘I̴Ǹ͖C̻̜E̬̮͉̹̟̫͖̕ ͏̖̩̭Ţ̥̰͖H̼̝͚̹͖̪͞E̺͜ͅ ͔̞͓̀B̧͙ͅE̙͔͓͓̱G̶̯̗̙I͇͔͈͙͖N͚̗N̫̬̤͓͞IN͙̬̙̳G̵͎ ̶̩̘̯̺̥̘O̜̬͎͇̞̗F̱̜ ̖̺̩̻͍͟ͅA̠͖̜LL͓̺͓ ̧̜T͍HĄT̙͈ ̶I͙̺̯͙͙͓S҉̣.͝
Terms and Conditions: Service fees may apply. A charge of 1/10th of your soul will be billed to you every second, but it doesn't matter, your understanding of time is woefully inaccurate and we already have it. Gagthrak and Smegadom are not responsible for any recurring nightmares, PTSD, viral or bacteriological infections, SO MANY MAGGOTS, sudden complete organ inversion syndrome, chronic temporal disconnection of the mind from the body or a complete inability to die, even long after your broken, wracked form should have stopped functioning or sending pain signals. N̪̭̺̘̟͢ͅO̙̱͓͟ ̥̞ͅG̢̼̥͚̞̯͕̙I̗͚̱͍͕ͅͅN̬̞̣̳͟G̠̰͎E͕ͅR̼̤̥S͈̘͠.̭̥̰͔͡