Loo Louis

Okay, here goes....

I've been in CSI for 15 years now, and I've seen some pretty messed up shit. Oh God...SHIT! Just saying that word reminds of...of...well you know.

Anyway, we've been working a really disturbing case. You may have heard or at least read the strange rash of murders that have been going around as of late. It's not just here it's EVERYWHERE in the country. People being found murdered in their homes....with their pants down and stab wounds everywhere, especially around their anuses....like someone attacked them while they on the toilet.

The places where the victims were have been scattered all over the place that I was paranoid about it happening here...and it DID. It was disgusting, and I've seen a LOT of people without their limbs (or even HEADS)! I'm...not allowed to disclosed the victim's name but...she was at least in her 20's. Her neighbor just found her laying on the floor face down with the bottom half of her body naked and for all to see, and she had stab wounds around her anus, and stab wounds all over her back and the back of her head. When we looked around the victim's anus we could see there was still poop. Yeah that's right, she hadn't even wiped when she was attacked. Someone came in while she was taking a shit and she had to run away before she was finished. That's just FUCKING INSANE!!!

Then...then it happened AGAIN, 8 HOURS LATER!!! The only difference was....the victim was still ALIVE. But he wouldn't be for long, so before it was too late we had get as many questions from him as possible. He answered only one of them: Who did this to you? And he answered: L-L-Looo...Louis. And then he was gone.

We finally had a name: Louis. But with these murders happening all over the country this Louis could be ANYBODY. I came up with a theory: this was all part of some crazy nationwide sect or conspiracy that involved murdering people while they were on the toilet and that this Louis was a member.

I had decided that in order to find out more I ordered that anyone in the state with the name Louis be investigated; men or even boys. I'm sure you remember the controversy that came out of it, people calling me mad or paranoid. But I was just TRYING TO DO MY FUCKING JOB!!!

Fortunately there was one person that understood me, even if he WAS homeless. Called himself Roy and he came up to me one day and told me that he knows which Louis is responsible for all the murders. He called him Loo Louis, on account of the fact that Loo is another word for toilet. Apparently he was this ghost that attacked you while you're sitting on the toilet...from INSIDE the toilet itself!

That's right! You see it goes like this: you're sitting on the toilet minding your own business when the next thing you know, something is stabbing your butt REPETEDLY! You either fall off or jump up from the toilet, and as look at it THAT'S when it happens! A strange figure actually rising up from OUT OF THE BOWL! And get this, his right hand has been replaced by a kitchen knife. Naturally with a bleeding butthole you'll have major trouble trying to get away which makes you helpless against him when he comes out to finish the job.

Nothing but HORSESHIT I said to him and I arrested him for being a public nuisance. But he kept going on and on about how Loo Louis can travel anywhere across the country by the sewer and pipe line, and he was most likely going to be here in this state for another day or two , and if we didn't warn anyone to stay away from the toilet until then more people WILL die. God, I should've listened to him.

Two days later, I had some cabbage soup and I had to go BADLY, and that's when my life to CRA...oh Lord. I can't even.....

There I was, just sitting there on the toilet....alone with nothing but my thoughts. Thoughts that told me: YOU LUNATIC! I get that you're trying to protect people but having people arrested and investigated just makes things FUCKING WORSE!!

I chose to ignore my thoughts and listen to my instincts instead. They told me: Keep doing what you're doing boy. YOU ARE THE GODDAMN LAW!!! And you're going to teach that cult not to fucking MESS WITH YOU!!

It kept going on and on about how great I was, when it stopped the moment I said: OW! I felt a tiny pinch in my butt. I figured I just sat on the toilet for too long and I needed to finish. But before I could complete that thought I felt a bunch horrible, painful stabs...in my butt. Going by so quickly I didn't have time to re-actively stand up. Instead I fell off the moment it stopped. I can remember EVERY...HORRIBLE...DETAIL OF AGONY. I just lied there, my blood just coming out of my ass, and in an amount of pain I can't even conceive to describe.

And then..............and then HE came out. He ROSE out of the bowl.......OUT OF THE FUCKING BOWL!!! How is that even possible?!?!?! Did he just squeeze through the pipes or something?!?! He just rose like he was on a lift!

I.....I really don't want to talk about it.......but.....but, I remember what he looks like, every single bit of him. He was a tall man, at least 6 ½ feet. Hair as long as his shoulders, all covering most of his face. The part of his face that WASN'T covered by it....I could see it, see how it was completely decomposed. Flesh rotten to the point that he didn't even have lips, it was just....all teeth. I could only see one of his eyes, except......there wasn't an eye. It was just an eye socket, you couldn't even see the inside. It was just pitch black with a tiny red dot shining in the middle like a pupil. I stopped paying attention to it the moment I saw the maggots crawling around on his face.

He wore blue coveralls, but it didn't have a right sleeve. So I could more of his flesh, rotting, wet, festering, and absolutely unnatural. It seemed like a normal arm (only like a corpses) except half-way at the forearm it started twisting and twisting in a spiral, all the way down to his wrist. That's when his arm looked like it was.....I don't know how to explain it. You ever see the movie Videodrome? It was like as you got to a certain point in its wrist its organic flesh turned into an inorganic handle. The handle of a kitchen knife. HIS HAND WAS A FUCKING KITCHEN KNIFE!!!

I'm sorry.....I just.....I just.....don't wanna remember! That.....that THING!!! It's wasn't FUCKING HUMAN!!! It tried to kill me! Fucking kill me for my pride and arrogance! I should've just let it do it!!! NO....NO I don't want to TELL YOU ANY FUCKING MORE!!! SHUT THAT FUCKING THING OFF!!! SHUT IT OFF BEFORE I FUCKING......

Yeah, I'm all better now. Well, MOSTLY better. But I think I can tell you the rest.

Alright, well there I was. Face to face with that man, or at least what LOOKED like a man. I was just lying there on the floor with blood gushing out of my butt. I knew that if I ran away more would just come out and I would either die from blood loss or faint from it and have that thing finish me off while I'm vulnerable.

I had no choice but to crawl as fast as I could, as careful as I could. As I did I could see that creature open its mouth and saw filthy sewer water fall just RIGHT out of it. Then he made GOD FOR FUCKING SAKEN gurgling sound with its throat. I still remember that gurgling, every night. That's why I haven't slept in 3 weeks.

It stepped right out of the bowl the moment it got all the way out and started chasing me. Crawling as fast as I could hurt my knees like a motherfucker. But I had to endure the ungodly pain that was going through me because that would've been NOTHING compared to let that thing murder me.

Once I got far away enough I had to find some place to hide from it long enough to get out of my house for help. I had to make due with behind my couch. I started at the front first since my bathroom was behind it. I could hear the gurgles from that thing as it got into in the living room. As much as that gurgling frightened and disgusted me at least I knew where he was. That way I could hear as was walking around the couch. I had to clench my butt-cheeks together as I kept crawling towards my front door so I wouldn't bleed as much before I got out. But then it peaked over the couch.

Then it tried to stab my face but I moved just in time for it to just cut my cheek. I ignored the pain and just kept crawling towards the other end of my apartment. That thing tried to stab me again but this time, yeah this time I was able to kick it in its bladder. It fell down hard and that bought me some time.

I kept crawling and crawling until I reached....heh heh heh heh heh, I reached my OTHER bathroom. Can you believe it, I got attacked by a monster in one bathroom and now I was trapped in another. I mean, I had to have someplace to stay safe so I went into it and locked the door. I figured if I was going to die it wouldn't be at the hands...sorry, HAND of that thing. So I was going to stay there until I couldn't bleed anymore and.....that would be it.

I remember it all, it kept banging and banging on the door but I was safe. At least, safe from it killing me. At least, that's what I thought. Because before you knew it.....it punched through the door......IT PUNCHED THROUGH THE FUCKING DOOR!!! Oh God, I remember exactly how I felt. Ever bit of terror as it smashed through and unlocked the door from the other side and...and....

Nononono I'm fine, I'll just......OK. It unlocked the door and opened it. I knew that would be it, that it was going to kill to me. That's why I don't know why I was backing up, I already knew I was going to die so why bother?

I guess deep down I knew it was going to save my life, because as I backed up to the wall I had my hand on the toilet's lever and accidentally pushed it down. That.....heheheheheh that was a GODDAMN miracle that's what it was. Because when the toilet flushed something weird happened. The creature started making some kind of ear piercing scream and it looked like his coveralls were being stretched towards the toilet bowl. The next thing I knew it fell on the toilet bowl belly down and got sucked right down the drain.

That's right, it got sucked right down like it was being flushed away. It was like it was being sucked through some kind of high-powered turbine. The weirdest part is I didn't even feel a thing. It was just like...a normal flush for me. But like I said it was a goddamn miracle.

Yeah, yeah, you guys saved me. If I didn't have the strength to call 911 I would died...all alone in my apartment. You know? I feel as if though karma was getting back at me for misusing my position down in the force. I'm a changed man now, no more using my authority to arrest whoever I want, and from now I'm going to think things through.

What's that? Well, there is ONE more thing I'd like to talk about the creature. On his coveralls it had a patch with his name: Louis. He's out there, and as long as we need to sit on the toilet, NONE OF US ARE SAFE.

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