Open Letter To All Staff

Open letter to all staff

Hello all.

Now that the second floor has become safe, we can resume our annual food drive. Anyone who has bought any cans (Food cans only, no empty ones, the homeless have no use for empty cans), bottles, or non-perishables for the food drive can deposit their donations to the linked hands homeless shelter on the second floor near the Marketing office, right next to the water cooler. Be aware though, that a man has become embedded within the wall opposite of the water cooler. When you go to deposit your assorted cans and non-perishables, this man will ask you to touch him, claiming that this is the only way to free him. Please do not touch the man who is trapped in the wall next to the food donation box on the second floor, we have already had to retire three people, it would be a shame to loose another. Still, don't let this scare you away from contributing to a good cause! He's usually sleeping, and he doesn't have that long of a reach. If he is awake (highly unlikely), as long as you humor him and drop off your food in a quick and orderly manner, you should be fine. 

Finally, due to popular demand, we will be reinstating casual Friday! Remember to dress for the occasion, and please, use common sense when coming up with an outfit. Due to what happened last time, I must stress that this event will have a strict no Hawaiian shirt policy, any one coming to the office in one that day, no matter what their motivation for doing so may be, will be refused entry, and retired on the spot. 

I hope to see you all there, especially Stan from Tech Support, I know he has quite a few wacky novelty tie's that I'm sure he's been itching to wear.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Handel

President and CEO

Open Letter to all staff

Hi everyone,

Just a friendly reminder that bring your daughter to work day will be occurring tomorrow. As always, if you have a daughter, age 8 to 18, please do not bring her. We do not want your actual children to be confused with (and replaced by) the shadow daughters. 

Our repurposed weathermen have told us that the shadow daughters should manifest at 9:00 am, an hour earlier than usual. Because of this, it is of utmost importance that everyone arrives on time; the last thing we want is a shadow daughter without a parent to imprint upon. New employees, when this occurs tomorrow, please keep in mind that the shadow daughters are not actually your kids. They may look like your kids, or if you are childless, what you assume your kids would look like. They may implant false memories like taking them to the county circus or giving birth to them, but they are not. Remember, they are harmless if you remember this. As long as no one brings any of them home, we should be fine.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Handel

President and Ceo

Open Letter to all staff

Salutations group!

An updated list of which doors are safe to open is available on all bulletin boards. Please go to the one closest to your office as soon as it is convenient for you. Please attempt to make your journey there as door-deficient as possible. 

Important note for Data Management workers on floor 4: Please stay in your offices; all of the doors in your area have become unsafe. We will inform you, either through an email notification or screaming, when it is safe to leave. Be prepared to stay there for a while, there's no telling how long it will take to de-tooth the infected doors. I would direct you to the emergency rations closest in your room that was built for this exact purpose, but the door to that has also become unsafe. 

In other news, with a grand total of only five early retirements, I think we can safely consider bring your daughter to work day a success! Not since 1995 have we had such a low death count for this event. You should all be proud of yourself, to celebrate, we will be handing out the office supplies of the retired in an auction today at 3 pm; anyone with anything they consider valuable is allowed to attend. It will be held in the crescent meeting room on the third floor. Please enter from the left door.

-Mrs. Handel

President and CEO

Open letter to all staff,

Greetings gang.

Its that time of the year again, we will need volunteers for this years fire safety training seminar. While I know most of you may be uneasy about volunteering, you should all be aware that if we don't get the required amount of volunteers we will have to decide by lottery. You know those tickets I've been giving you whenever you did any thing I found unsatisfactory? 

Well, this is what those tickets are for. 

Those with a vast quantity of tickets will have to pray that this doesn't go to Lottery. Remember, we don't need many people. Five should do it. Unless one of the volunteers has a birthmark that resembles a crying sparrow on their upper left thigh, for some reason, one of you is worth five of your coworkers to the fire safety instructors. 

You have probably all heard rumors around the water cooler about the content of the seminar, and I would like to put to rest some of the concerns you may have.

First off, yes, there is a dimension of pure fire. This exists. 

But despite what you may have heard, the fire safety seminar does not revolve around entering this flame realm, in fact, unless very specific and very rare circumstance are met, the seminar will not involve the fire dimension in any way, shape, or form. The danger of this event may have been overblown, but the importance of fire safety hasn't. If you either volunteer or are chosen to become an official student of the flame, it will be your duty to inform and educate your fellow office workers on all fire and flame related incidents and how to effectively counteract them. 

Now, I would like to thank all of you for participating in casual Friday. Thank you all for making this such a fun (and relaxed) event. 

Special shout out to Chet from Accounting for his inventive "15th century" Casual Friday outfit. Not only was his outfit smart and creative, but due to the fact that the window in Chet's office is a time portal that provides him a glimpse at medieval England, it was also extremely accurate. I hope to see more costumes on this level next Friday. 

-Mrs.Handel

President and CEO

Open letter to all staff

Evening folks. 

The man who has become stuck in the wall next to the food drive box has changed his approach. He has started to tell people that he is a representative from Linked Hand's charity and that he wants to shake their hands in gratitude for all the hard work they have done. While his disguise is admittedly effective, with an outfit that is indistinguishable from the real thing, be aware that the man in the wall is not currently and has never been a member of the Linked Hand's group. We've reached out to a representative to confirm this and while they have employed people who were stuck in objects before, they have never employed the man stuck in the wall. Please be careful, we've already had quite a few reports of people being tricked into an early retirement. 

-Mrs. Handel

President and CEO

Open letter to all staff

Howdy, staff.

I have quite a few things I need to inform you of about the break-room.

- Good news about the semi translucent people who have been seen pointing and laughing uproariously at workers from the forbidden couch. I've been told by one of them that they're not laughing at us, they're laughing with us. Well, Isn't that a relief!

- The lemons that appear underneath the foldable chairs are safe to eat, feel free to chow down on these free pieces of natures candy. The Oranges, on the other hand, are not.

- The pictures that hang on the wall at impossible angles that shows coworkers who have had an early retirement enjoying themselves in a color negative version of the break room with a suited woman with a glass window for a head, and its long overdue. They're in need of a dusting, I can barely make out the images of children crying in her stain glass face.

- Due to what happened to Ted from savings and Margaret from HR, the Break-room is now a body swap free zone. Please, if you're trying to undue a body swap or want to attempt a body swap, try either the vacant cubicle zone on floor 8 or the executive broom closest on floor 2

- For some still unknown reason, the color red is unable to be registered by the human eye in the break room. So do not be alarmed if it appears that any part of you or your coworkers body is missing, unless they weren't wearing any red in the first place, in which case, feel free to worry.

- The Break-room does exist, it is not a empty room that implants false memories of a fun and relaxing place full of snacks and games. All hastily scrawled bathroom stall scribbling's or crumbled up pieces of paper that have said other wise are part of a bad inside joke that has gotten way out of hand. Please do not continue to spread this misinformation, continuing to do so will cause this rumor to become true.

- The pool tables are still out of order, sorry. ):

-Mrs. Handel

President and CEO

Open Letter To all Staff

Morning, loved ones.

Please be aware of an internet virus that has been infecting quite a few of our computers and computer-like objects. This internet virus seems relatively benign at first, appearing under the guise of an open letter to all staff, similar to this one. This virus, masquerading as a memo, warns of a virus that is pretending to be a memo from the head of our company. To stop this "virus", the message informs the victim to click and download a anti virus ware that can stop this virus. DO NOT CLICK THIS. 

Instead of stopping any viruses, downloading this file will infect your computer with a virus. The virus(known by its most common file name of VIRUSSTOPPER.EX, though know that it has been reported under dozens of similar names) has a multitude of symptoms and consequences. Listed below are some (BUT NOT ALL) of the problems that are caused by VIRUSSTOPPER.EX

- Lossage of wanted data

- Gainage of unwanted data

- Data replaced by data equal in value

- Inability to reply to emails

- Having all of your online searches readdressed to the web address www. Witness The Void.com 

- Having all your Youtube searches readdressed to a video named witness the void

- Receiving email messages from dead friends and relatives

- receiving messages from a person claiming to be your computer begging you to shut it down

- Inability to shut your computer off

- Having your desktop background changed to a picture of the void.

Besides the affects it will have on an infected computer, the virus also affects the operator of the computer as well as people at least 30 feet away from the virus when it is activated in the following ways.

    -The inability to see that things are wrong

-Important information forgotten

-Information forgotten and replaced by information related to the void

-Forgetting how to talk

-Falling asleep when you should be awake, and being awake while you should be asleep

-A never ending urge to stick your hand in a blender

-Talking about the void at the worst possible times

-Witnessing the void in your sleep

-Stretching of limbs that can not be stretched

-A common cold that lasts three to seven days

-Realizing that your actions have no meaning and that you are a tiny speck in the grand scheme of the universe.

-Laughter too shrill and high to be detected by normal ears.

-TONGUE INFLATION

-Witnessing the void

To prevent this deadly virus from ever infecting this computer, please download the file attached to this email. Thank you and have a good (virus free) day

- MRS. Handel

President and CEO

DOWNLOAD VIRUSFIGHTER.EX HERE

Open Letter to all staff

Salutations, human beings.

The man in the wall has somehow acquired a free hugs sign. I feel, at this point, you don't need me to tell you what will happen if you touch him. But just in case you're new here, or you were infected by VirusStopper.ex and this information has been replaced by void related nonsense, know that hugging the man in the wall will kill you. Don't ask me how. It will just kill you. Meanwhile, there is some good news. The linked arms food drive has ended, and it was a fantastic success. The linked arms group are so overjoyed at the success, they have offered us a stack of bones in return. 

We did not ask where these bones came from, that would be rude. 

Neither did we inform then that we didn't have any current use for these bones, after all the trouble they must have gone to obtain them, we thought it would be rude to refuse such a nice gift. Still, we are left with a pickle, we have 135 useless femur bones stacked like a Jenga tower taking up space in Mr.Grant's office. Grant is currently on vacation, we do not want the femurs to still be there when he returns. 

Anyone with an idea for what to do with the femurs, or anyone who is interested in taking the femurs should contact me.

Also, the second casual Friday is coming up. Hope you are all as excited as I am. 

- Mrs. Handel

President and CEO

Open Letter to all Staff

Hey, idiots!

I'm not going to mince words, I am very disappointed. I have repeated, time and time again, that there should be no Hawaiian shirts. You were all aware of this, right? Me tattooing the words "no Hawaiian shirts" on all employees with a trustworthy level under 3.7 wasn't too subtle, right? 

Well, if that's the case, then please, email me back and explain to me why two separate people came to casual Friday with HAWAIIAN SHIRTS ON!?!!?? Luckily, due to the efforts of our security staff, these two miscreants' were retired before they made it through the second gate. I'm hoping that their early retirement, which depending on when you read this, may have already been simulcast on all available screens in the facility, has convinced all of you that wearing Hawaiian shirts to the friday of casualness is not a "joke", it's not a "cool prank", it's not "Trolling", it's a one way ticket to early retirement. 

In light of this event, all employees with a disobedience rating lower than 5.6 are expected to be at the PROBLEM DOME at 4:00 sharp for mandated obedience testing. Those who make it the PROBLEM DOME without the aid of a friendly escort will get first pick for the donut crate tomorrow.

-Mrs.Handel

President and CEO

Open letter to all staff

What's up, people who are not me.

Today, we have a special surprise for all of you with a case of the Mondays. We've been hard at work at this for months, but now we think we are finally ready to introduce something that anyone with an approval rating higher than 5.7 can enjoy.

Introducing the de-Mondayfier, this amazing invention, using memory loss inducing crystal fumes, allows you to forget that it's Monday by literally making you forget about Monday. 

The machine is simple in its elegance. Simply step into the machine, close the door, and tell all other employees in the vicinity that the door you just closed may not be enough to keep it out, and that they should leave this room if they value their life. Then, yell, (this is very important, you cant just say it in a normal conversational tone, you have to yell it) at the top of your lungs, "Make me forget the insidious productivity sucker known to mortal tongues as Monday". Then, once the buzzing has receded from your ears and the purple smoke has evaporated, you can leave the machine. Finally, check to see if you can remember why you came here and what you have done, if you are unable to do this, congratulations, the machine has worked! Now you can go back to your work, comforted by the fact that you forgot something that was important enough to forget and that, even though you don't know how exactly, the removal of this fact has changed your life for the better.

All resemblances between the de-mondayfier and the ancient statue of a deity that regularly appears in dreams that involve large bodies of water is merely coincidental.

Also, the man in the wall has now moved to the floor, and is using his hands to move himself in a form of locomotion that has been described as "crab-like" and "not physically possible" by those who have witnessed it.

He is still trying to give out free hugs though, that has not changed.

Because of this, his threat status has been raised from "Giving the person besides you a worried look" to "Grabbing your desk to stop yourself from freaking out". For those who are worried about this, do not fret. Even though he is now mobile and moving at a decent pace of five miles per hour, he is still nothing more than a nuisance compared to some of the other threat this company has had to deal with. 

I ask you to turn away from your computer/Eye screen/ Digital slave and dredge up those locked away memories. Remember the Couch that spoke, the closed mouth man that promised Infinite futures, the beast that we awoken, and Super-Fresh. Remember them? You may have forgotten them, but now you cant, now you are forced to realize that this company has dealt with worse, much worse. 

Remove your company issued armor padded suit and look at the scars that the lash-woman left on us all. Below that, look at the brand on the left leg that marks us all as debtors of the One Truth.

Where, on your body, are the scars that the man in the floor has left?

Where on your body are his marks? 

I'm sorry to unearth these rightfully buried memories, but we must put this current crisis in context. We have dealt with far worse than the man in the floor, and if we can banish or bargain or defeat those who came before him, then we can certainly beat him!

Of course, I know there will be some people already writing in to correct me on saying that we have dealt with every anomaly. So I shall correct myself. 

Yes, we still haven't dealt with SuperFresh. All attempt to handle his 'Tude have so far been met with failure, and he is in part the reason why faint guitar solos can still be heard from the seventh floor, and the reason why all skateboards have been burned. But there's always an exception to the rule, and I think focusing on our one failure is rather counterproductive, so anyone who emails me about SuperFresh or says his admittedly gnarly catchphrase, "Can't get fresher then me, baby!" will be immediately retired.

Have a good day.

-Mrs. Handel

President and CEO

A Open letter to all staff,

Knock-Knock, guys, girls, and all those who identify as non-binary.

There have been some changes to the customs of honored Employees. All those who are currently Employee of the second or a higher increment of time can read the following section below.

Employee of the week is now a bi-weekly title. This will give those who desire the title more time to copy the appearance and mannerism of the last employee of the week. There is also a new process to determine the new E.O.W: The one who successfully pretends to be the previous employee of the week the longest will become the new E.O.W. 

Long time employees may remember the original "death match" approach, and we hope those who do will agree that this is a much more humane method.

Employee of the day is backlogged by six months due to the "Wall Cream" incident, so don't be deterred if your hard work hasn't seem to have been noticed, chin up and be excited that you'll be acknolodged in half a year or so.

Starting with Jamie Hoffman, all Employees of the months will be cryogenically frozen and only unfrozen in case of a (Running around arm's flailing) level event. In case of an event like this, we want only our most extraordinary and talented employees to lead the counter-attack. Like normal cryro-employees, E.O.M can expect to be paid minimum wage while frozen. While this may not seem like much, understand that cryro-employees can expect to be frozen for upward of hundreds of years, that money adds up, and any surviving E.O.M can expect to be paid in full once the (Running around arm's flailing) level crisis has been averted.

The privileges of the employee of the year has been lessened. The E.O.Y title no longer covers permission for the following things:

Naming the theme of their year.

Deciding the dress code.

Letting other's say they are the E.O.Y., even through they are obviously not.

Planning office activities

Having full control over the current threat level

Turning the office chain of command into whichever political system they please.

Enacting a barter system.

Veto powers

Full access to the armory

Ten thumbs up access

Complete control over the donut bin.

 

Employee of the decade must take a self portrait every year on the anniversary of their title, and must wear the same thing that they had worn on their first portrait. 

Employee of the century must not die during their time as E.O.C. We have life enhancing techniques and technologies available for the E.O.C, the only thing off-limits is cloning.

Employee of the Millennium cannot leave their room, please ignore their screams. Workers on the seventh floor, please contact your floor official if the screaming stops. 

Also, whoever keeps sliding in questions underneath the E.O.M's door, please stop. Your complaints about your co-workers talkativeness is something to talk to H.R. about, it is not the concern of an immortal god-like being who has been chosen and gifted to represent us in this new millennia.

 

Friday, like a silent plague, is creeping up on us again. Casual Friday will occur, because I am hoping that stupidity last week was just a one time thing. I hope that you will all do your part to make this run as smoothly and as efficiently as it did 2 weeks ago.

Don't make this casual party into a retirement party.

Heh, just a little dark humor! See you then!

I'm sure it will be fine.

-Mrs. Handel

President and CEO

 

Open Letter To All Staff

No.

Well, I honestly don't know what happened or how it happened, but I can confidently say that this weeks casual of Friday couldn't have gone worse. 

We have been beaten, bitten, and devoured by the god of faith, and we will be shat out of it's broken glass walled anus.

I hope you are all happy, because all of this is your fault.

Yes, I'm talking directly to you, whichever of the surviving 2,347 employees of Marmon Industries you may be, you played a crucial part in making sure that this casual Friday failed.

Let's try to work this out together, let's try to figure out how this went so horribly wrong, and how you specifically allowed this to get as bad as it did.

Let's start with the analytics section, why don't we. They were the ones that told me that the hollowed out remains of their Vice President had told them that this casual Friday had a 47.02 percent chance of going off without a hitch, a 35.93 percent chance of having slight problems, a 11.27 percent chance of moderate complications, 5.39 percent chance of severe difficulties and moderate casualties, 0.3899999 percent chance of company damaging problems, severe casualties, and causing events that have the potential to eradicate nearby civilian, animal, and plant life. 

And finally, 0.0000001 chance of unavoidable company shifting events that would certainly cause enough damage, casualties, and destruction to destroy any civilization in a thousand mile radius.

Because of this, I became lax, I assumed that we should prepare for the unpleasant, not the worst.

But, I don't need to tell you what actually happened, we were all there, we all know that Cincinnati no longer exists.

Suffice to say, if you are part of the analytics team, please report to the first floor for mandated early retirement. If you are not out of your office in half an hour, our friendly security team will help you retire at your desk. 

And then we have the P.R team, the ones who have poisoned my ears with sooth sayings and embellished half truths that made everything seem peachy keen. The one's whose P.R efforts have become internal, the ones who have plastered "Everything is great" posters to the faces of those who fail to be as outwardly happy looking as the P.R team would like.

They play a substantial role in the effort started by the analytics team, the well intentioned campaign to make it seem like nothing could possibly go wrong.

Their catchy 90's muzak muffled the sounds of the talking walls, whispering the names of all who would die unless we acted fast. Their impromptu games of hacky sack on the cafeteria floor distracted us from the cryptic warnings that had manifested in our lasagna. Their group hug sessions that lasted just long enough for a thousand pieces of yellow stationary to appear in everyones desk explaining how casual Friday would go wrong and how we could avoid it, and then disappear.

And of course, their daily karaoke night, which as far as I know, didn't overshadow any crucial warning or dire message, but were annoying enough and so poorly planned that it's lingering negative effect it had on our mood certainly didn't help anything.

Our P.R team, whether they realize it or not, have sins that they must pay for, and they can start paying for these sins by heading down to the main office.

I wont say what they will find down there that will help them pay for their actions, but I will say that it rhymes with "Blearly Bletirement".

Don't think I forgot risk management!

Where were the one size fits all hazmat suits?

Where was the precautions that were supposed to be in place in the event of sudden oxygen non-existence?

Where were the anti- Hawaiian shirt task force, decked in their signature dark grey armor, wide, soulless helmets, and classy slacks?

Don't answer that, as dearly departed intern Rodney Florence found out, they were enjoying themselves at the donut cart, gorging themselves as the woman and men they were supposed to defend where put at the mercy of the Hawaiian shirts and their vile spawn.

Today, we are restructuring risk management, and all current members of Risk Management will be making a lateral move into the main office, where they will be working in the "Sit quietly and do nothing" department until they retire.

In unrelated news, the "Sit quietly and do nothing" department will be disbanded in a few short days.

Accounting, you had one job, the job of accounting. You hold others accountable, and you yourself are supposed to be held accountable. Therefore, as it is your title, all those in accounting will be held accountable as agents in the events that lead up to this weeks casual Friday, and, in 30 minutes, all those in Accounting must be accounted for down at the main office, where they will account their experience, and then be accountable for their early retirement.

Sales, don't think you're off the hook either, I know the underground Hawaiian shirt racket you have been running.

I understand, or as much as an honest person can understand a liar, that your conscience had hit an all-time low, and you saw a market that hadn't been catered to, you had buddies in item retrieval that had a whole cache of Hawaiian shirt's that no one was doing anything with, opportunity was looking you right in a face. 

You are sales after all, you have been forcefully rewired to always see opportunities to make a quick buck.

And I'm sure you justified it. 

I'm sure you all told yourself that all of the customers you sold your contraband to were honest people. They totally were not lying through their teeth when they said to you, "oh, we're just going to wear them on Thursdays", or, "oh, we're going to make a sculpture out of all of them, no worries! Or, my personal favorite, "oh, we're going to use these shirts to sabotage a separate rival company, who just happens to also have the same problem we have when Hawaiian shirts enter our building.

But just because you fooled yourself into thinking you did nothing wrong, doesn't mean you're not guilty.

Sales, you're about to make your biggest deal yet, 146 all expenses paid for retirement packages, effective Immediately. 

The seller? You. 

The buyer? You. 

Enjoy.

Marketing, shame on you for locking yourselves in your offices, leaving the innocent members of management to get consumed by the man in the wall, who had somehow grown a third hand, during all the confusion.

I'm sure after you've had experience with it Marketing, you can make the idea of early retirement "cool" and "appealing" to all four demographic quadrants.

Tech Support, was it really a good idea to not leave even a single person in charge of the servers when you all panicked and attempted to escape through the secret dirt tunnel? We had quite a few malicious virus come through, you're the reason why our server room now contains only a abacus.

Here's a bug you can't fix, early retirement! You know the drill, 30 minutes or else.

And guards, after you are done retiring everyone who has earned it, please report to the sub-main office, there you will find automated robot's who will happily retire you all.

What, you all thought you would get through this one unscathed? Don't make me laugh, the fact that you all left your posts for your daily communal bathroom breaks during the incident is the reason that we're all in this mess.

And finally, there's me. 

Just like all of you, I'm to blame.

This is my job, isn't it? To make sure this whole business runs smoothly, to prevent stuff like this from happening.

I can chastise you guys all I want, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm just as responsible as everyone else.

So, in an hour, once everyone else has started their retirement, I am going to retire.

I have no planned successor, there's no one left to give that job to, and even if there was, I doubt anyone would be willing.

I didn't expect Marmon Industries to end like this, but in retrospect, it seems obvious.

We were always going to die and bring half of the world with us, it was just a matter of when, and by whose hands.

Personally, I always thought it would be Super Fresh.

Goodbye, here's to hoping that our retirement will contain more than just unending nothingness.

Mrs.Handel

Retired President and CEO

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