Bogleech.com's 2016 Horror Write-off:
Gwendolynn Anathema Macglower
Okay, so I'm trying to sell this dog, but I'll be honest with you, she's a handful. More on that later. She's a lab/shepherd mix that answers to Ruby. She chewed off her tail after she broke it, so don't worry, I didn't get it bobbed.
Okay, now on to her issues. I know I'm trying to sell her, but I don't have it in me to give her to someone who's unprepared. I took her to the vet, he says everything's fine. I guess she's just weird.
First off, she's a picky eater. Don't try to starve her out or say she'll eat when she gets hungry, because she won't. The thing is, she only eats broken glass. I noticed this after I dropped a mirror. When I came back with the broom, she was crunching the bits of glass in her teeth. Understandably, I was freaked out and tried to get her away, but that's all she eat since. She likes eggs the best, but you have to put broken glass in them or she won't eat.
Also, the screaming gets really bad. Like, you'll walk into the room and she'll be doing something she's not supposed to, and she'll scream. I came home from work one day to find her making eggs, like she had the pan on the stove and was carrying eggs in her paws, and she just stared at me and screamed. Then she dropped down on all fours and ran up like she was so excited to see me. She screams a lot when you sleep, too. She'll usually stand in front of your bed and watch you all night, and if you wake up, she'll scream until you fall back asleep. I guess it's a little unnerving! But what else do you expect her to do if she never sleeps? I think it's just her way of looking out for you.
Ruby /loves/ baths. They're her favorite thing ever. One time I walked in on her drawing a bath, she had her paws taken off and set on the toilet, soaking her feet. She has weirdly cute toes under all the fur. She screamed at me until I got out, wagging her fingers in this sort of lazy jazz hands, so try to give her her privacy during bath time!
That should be all. She's really a good dog for all her oddities, and she needs a special home! I'm willing to let her go for $15.
PS: Please, please, please, don't interrupt her while she's eating