Bogleech.com's 2016 Horror Write-off:
The Problem With the Cat
Submitted by
Devon Palmer (email)
The problem with the cat isn't that it has no claws. They were removed--a creature that lives its life indoors has no need for them. And now the swipe of its paw is so much gentler! Isn't it cute, that futile swipe?
The problem with the cat isn't that it has no hair. It was bred that way--the baldness is exotic and rare. And how soft and velvety the naked flesh feels! Just like people-skin. No discarded fur to sweep, either. And isn't it endearing, the way it shivers?
The problem with the cat isn't that it has no teeth. They fell out after a year--perfectly natural. It eats a soft-food diet, so it can hardly tell the difference. These breeds often have poor teeth. It's better for them to fall out than to disease the mouth with their rot. Now its bite is so painless! And don't you find the gummy smile charming?
The problem with the cat isn't that it has no eyes. We had them taken out--the beast kept trying to escape. The sockets healed up cleanly, and these animals get around mostly by smell, anyway. Its for their own good, these procedures. A small sacrifice to live amongst men. And look at the delightful way it trips and stumbles!
The problem with the cat isn't that it has no bones. Its ribs had begun to poke out, and so had the frightful knobs of its knees. It was unsightly. We dealt with them. It gets around fine.
It's a wonderful cat, and we love it very much. There's just one problem. The cat has stopped moving.