's 2016 Horror Write-off:

Where Babies Come From

Submitted by Devon Palmer (email)

Where do babies come from? Why, son, I thought you'd never ask.

Y'see, it's a miracle of engineering. Back in the day they relied on storks to put ‘em together, but those birds weren't really all that smart. High infant mortality rate, back then. Now we've got machines. 

The machines are real pretty--they've got roots like trees and pump like a beating heart, and they're soft to the touch. Used to be a lot bigger when I was your age--took up whole factories--but now you can fit a babymaker in an office building. We've got one where I work, in the copy room. It's convenient, but it's awfully noisy. Cries at all hours, y'know?

Yep, it just takes some ground-up birds and bees and some recycled grandmas in the top spout, and they pump out those little petri-dish babies by the thousands. They're just little vein-covered lumps when they pop out of the conveyor belt, but they grow fast. Soak up water, like little sponges. You have to put ‘em in these baby-shaped plastic molds, otherwise those suckers would just keep on growing!

Once they're the right shape, you take ‘em out of the mold. They're still a little squishy at that point, so you've gotta be careful. Then you trim off any extra fingers and toes, and carve out all the holes you need. They squirm around a lot when you do the trimming, but they don't bleed yet--you fill ‘em up with blood once you're done. It's tedious work, but you get a better-looking baby out of it. Some of the fancier machines try to do it for you, but they always end up with lopsided nostrils, or they trim off one finger too many. I feel bad for those kids.

Once your baby's carved and full of juice, you can just leave it in the fridge overnight! Its bones (and eyeballs, and all those other essentials) grow in all by themselves! You have to let it sit for a full 12 hours, though. No peeking. It's bad luck.

Just between you and me, I have a friend who peeked at her baby. She wouldn't tell me what she saw, but she wouldn't touch the baby in the morning. Said it wasn't hers. Said it wasn't human. Man, what a whackjob, eh?

Anyways, after 12 hours, your baby's done! It should start screaming as soon as you open the fridge. If it doesn't, you can just drop it on the floor once or twice--don't worry, they're more durable than they used to be--and they usually start up for you.

What's that, son? Somebody told you that babies come from having sex? Oh, that's an urban legend. We're not animals--we're civilized people, and we make civilized babies, with convenient modern machines. Besides, you're an only child, and your mom and I have sex all the time. Ha! Oh, don't make that face. You're the one who asked.