's 2017 Horror Write-off:

A Children's Guide to Eldritch Horror

Submitted by Fluffy The Doombringer (email)

Imagine a place that is dark. Very, Very, dark. Dark like it's nine o'clock and your parents aren't home and you can hear something moving under you bed and the light switch is on the other side of the room. That place is the "other side". The other side of what? The other side of this world, which has puppies and cotton candy and Saturday morning cartoons and mommies who bring you a glass of warm milk before bed. Now that you know about this other side, you can meet the people who live there!


 This funny fellow is Rythnagaon, the eternal pupa! He has been waiting a long time to hatch and show everyone his new body! See him wriggle! Wriggle wriggle wriggle


 This handsome lad is Uumwanpqiq the butcher! See his blade? Chop chop chop! Uumwanpqiq uses it to spare his followers the agony of the mortal coil. Isn't that nice of him?


 These cool dudes are the Fused Flesh! See these bellies churning? They're adding more friends into their mass! Churn churn churn. Imagine always having your best friend over, forever! Wouldn't that be great? The Fused always have their friends over!


 This negative nancy is Ortiniel the blind! She may not have any eyes, but she can see the future! Why is she so sad? Well, if you knew when your favorite sports team would lose and by how much, and also the exact time, date and method of the deaths of you and all of your loved ones, you'd be sad too.


 This happy camper is Ahbrhintoshuk the Hungry! They're so hungry because they're pregnant! Eventually, they will give birth to many beautiful children, but until the, she will feast upon the willing! Hear her chew! Chew chew chew


 This fancy dan is the Salesman! There's nothing he enjoys more than selling things to people, except maybe getting payed back! He's always willing to help you out, and his prices are always reliable!

 This indescribable horror has a name, but even a glimpse of it would drive you insane! (Insane means that you're weird, and do weird things like eat grandma's tuna casserole and like it.) So let's call this thing... Hector! A perfectly good name. See those laughing people? They probably heard his name. Do you think it sounds funny? I bet it does!


 Those are just some of the friends you'll meet from the Other Side, once they come through. Then you can watch Saturday morning cartoons and eat cotton candy together! Won't that be fun?