's 2017 Horror Write-off:

I.T. Dept. Water Cooler Welcome Thread

Submitted by W

MTurmynn: Greetings, everybody! I hope everyone had a great summer, and I hope you're all fired up for the coming fall ramp-up! As some of you know, the fall season is the start of some pretty heavy company turnover, which means there will be no shortage of work for us all, and as we have two new staffers with us, this will mean even extra work as we do our best to get our new team members up to speed!

So, let me say welcome officially to our two newest members: Jesse Foye and Aarthi Ibrahim! Let's do all we can to make them welcome and make sure they feel at home with our team, which if I may say so is the greatest IT team in the world!

Even if you're not new here, you might not have used this message board before, even though it's been here for a while now. This is our "official" Water Cooler board, where you are free to ask any questions of myself or our other team members that are of a more general nature, be it questions about the company, building, office policy, complaints or any other comments you may have. Please note that this is NOT the board for questions in regard to technical questions, KB articles/updates, ticket handling and/or the queue, etc. That is what our live chat is for. This board is more permanent and is designed for more general use. There will be general updates in the top pinned post, but this thread is just a general hello-and-questions thread. By now most of you will have gotten the invites I sent in your emails, and I encourage you to make as much use of this board as you can, due to our upcoming busy season and our new hires.

So please, post away, and once again, welcome Jesse and Aarthi!

--Michelle Turmynn, IT Manager

JFoye: Thanks, Michelle! Glad to be here! When do u expect our call queue to pick up?

AIbrahim: TY, Michelle! So excited 2 work with you guys!!

AFlynn: Hey, Jesse and Aarthi! Welcome to HELL!! LOL, j/k.

(Seriously, don't piss Michelle off)

MTurmynn: Awesome to see, Jesse, and as far as your question goes, We tend to see a ton of new hires coming in starting in late August, so that's right around the corner! It will mostly be tickets in queue you'll be getting as opposed to phone calls, and right now you and Aarthi are skilled last in queue, so you'll only get a call if all of the rest of us are already on one. We'll probably keep it that way for the first week you're here, kinda let you ease into things here.

New hire tickets are a lot of work, as each one will require the creation of an AD account, email account, Office 365 license and X-Site account. Each one will have different needs in addition to those, but HR should detail all that for you

MTurmynn: Andy, that's really not appropriate humor, and I can still see the hidden text. Don't make me tell you that again, please.

BKumail: Hey, Aarthi and Jesse! Rocka Wellington is a nice place to work! Any questions you have, ask me first, eh?

TMcPhail: Welcome, Jesse and Aarthi! So great to have you both!

AFlynn: Aww, Michelle, you used to like my humor! And, guys, don't listen to Bandish, I've forgotten more than he'll ever know.

Since this is the general chat room, I'm wondering if we can get a free coffee machine in the break room? I don't understand why we'd be asked to pay for coffee at a machine that's on site. I'm not asking for anything fancy like a Kuerig, either, just a cheap-ass home machine you can pick up at any Wal-Mart. Surely that wouldn't break the budget?

JLee: Or you could, I dunno, just bring a thermos from home, Andy.

Hey, Aarthi and Jesse! Welcome to our little corner of the world. Glad we finally have another female tech here!

MTurmynn: Andy, the coffee machine is not really my purview. It does accept your employee purchase card, however, and it's only a dollar otherwise. It's cheaper to use the card, though, as each use is only .45 cents off your plan.

Aarthi and Jesse, you'll get used to the ribbing from the others, but all our techs are very savvy and know quite a bit. Including me, as I was once a tech myself, Julie!

TMcPhail: That's right, I get a coffee from there every day! It's great stuff, too, a gourmet blend in ten different flavors! My favorite is the Honey Almond.

I've been here longer than the light fixtures, so really if you want to know how it's done, come see me.

AIbrahim: What are these employee purchase cards?

TMcPhail: Oh, you'll find out soon enough.


AFlynn: I will NOT be using my employee purchase card again.

Every time I use it I feel a bit more of my soul slip away.

TMcPhail: And every time I use it, I feel more and more a real part of this company!

AFlynn: Yes, well, I can't say I'm all that enthusiastic about becoming as much a "part" of the company as you, Tommy-boy.

JFoye: I actually have a question about parking. It looks like everyone's parking is assigned. I was never given a parking pass and I had to park on the street today, and I'm afraid I'm going to get towed.

Who would I speak to about getting a parking space assigned?

BKumail: Ah, shit...

JLee: Batten down the hatches!

MTurmynn: No, guys, it's okay. That's what this forum is for.


Jesse, at present reserved parking is for managers and tenured staff only. But I wouldn't worry. In time you won't need to worry about parking at all.

JFoye: Guess I can take the bus...

TMcPhail: Good choice, saves on gas. I haven't driven in years! Best choice I ever made.

AFlynn: Yeah, well, we all know about Tom...

TMcPhail: Hey, now...

BKumail: Actually, I'm glad this room opened up. I've been wanting to address something for some time now.

The headsets we've been using are antiquated pieces of crap. Can we please look into new ones? My users frequently complain that they can't hear me, and sometimes its so quiet I can't even hear them when they're screaming. Also, I'd greatly prefer it if we can have cordless headsets.

I don't much care for the feeling of being chained to my desk.

MTurmynn: I appreciate your concerns, Bandish. I've spoken to procurement several times about upgrading our headsets, and right now they're waiting on approval from Finance before they order any. I can't promise the new ones will be cordless, however.

And, as much as I know you don't like it, being chained to your desk remains company policy for the time being. If you prefer being chained by your ankles instead of your wrists, that can be looked into.

I know they can be chafing, at times.

TMcPhail: Oh, just use the handset, like I do!

And may I say what a joy it is to work at Rocka Wellington! I honestly can't remember how long I've been here, and I wouldn't trade it for the world!

I didn't even have any IT training when they hired me. They gave me all that I would ever need. I can't imagine doing anything else!

AFlynn: That is sad, man.

TMcPhail: Just wait until you've been here as long as I have, sonny!

AFlynn: Not gonna happen.

TMcPhail: Oh, I think you'll be surprised. I thought like you once, but I eventually realized I just never could leave this place!

JLee: Geez, Andy, all you ever do is bitch!

AFlynn: Nonsense! I love it here. I love what it's done to my soul. I love looking at it when I look into Mr. Charon's office and see it in his display case.

MTurmynn: You know, Andy, if you really don't like working here, there are other options available to you.

AFlynn: None that I'd care to explore. I'll shut up now.

JLee: Will wonders never cease.

Anyway, speaking of Mr. Charon, he's been having a lot of closed-door meetings of late with some of the higher-ups.

I know it's none of my business, but the more closed doors I see, the more worrying it is.

We're not facing any major changes, are we?

TMcPhail: Now, Julie, there are always closed-door meetings, and they don't usually have anything to do with us.

Mr. Charon's responsibilities extend outside the IT department, after all.

AIbrahim: You know, I was kinda afraid 2 ask this in my interview, and I thought i'd be told in my welcome package, but what does Rocky Wellington do, exactly?

TMcPhail: Rocka Wellington is one of the most prestigious credit unions in the country. They specialize in long- and short-term loans, debt consolidation and acquisitions. I'm proud to work for them.

AFlynn: We know, Tom, we know. Been usin' that employee purchase card a LOT, haven't you?

MTurmynn: Tom, I appreciate your attitude.

AIbrahim: I ask because when I told my dad I got hired here, he said he'd never heard of it and asked what they do. I was a little embarrassed to admit I didn't know.

He wanted to know if it had anything to do with Philip Rocka.

JLee: Who's Philip Rocka? Honestly, I don't know who our company is named after.

MTurmynn: I believe that was our founder's name. He's not an active employee anymore.

AFlynn: Michelle, you don't have to pretend you don't know who Philip Rocka is.

TMcPhail: There was a lot of misinformation about Philip back in the seventies. He really is a great man.

AFlynn: You're not going to bait me into saying anything, Tom. But Aarthi, the guy you're dad's thinking of is probably the same man.

AIbrahim: Okay, but who is he? Dad said he got involved with some old people, or something.

AFlynn: "Old people", I love it. Classic.

TMcPhail: Listen, Aarthi, sometimes questions don't have simple answers. Some people just have ideas that are ahead of their time. They're outside-the-box thinkers and because of that sometimes people don't understand, and think the worst of them.

New ideas always bring naysayers, especially those that involve the Old Ones.

AFlynn: Which is a nice way of saying he is a visionary that we are lucky to work for.

TMcPhail: That's the spirit, Andy! I knew you'd get there eventually!

JFoye: Okay, I need to ask something. Tom, where are you sitting? I met the whole team when I came in and you weren't there.

JLee: He works downstairs.

AKumail: Way down.

JLee: Shut up, Bandish! Do you want to end up like Andy just did?

JFoye: Okay, so WTF is that supposed to mean??!!

BKumail: I'll be good.

MTurmynn: Okay, everybody, I think it's time to establish some ground rules. This thread is drawing a bit too much focus away from our work, so let's all follow Andy's example and turn our attitudes around and do our best.

Aarthi and Jesse, tomorrow I'll introduce you to Tom. Some day, if you're very lucky, you'll be a valuable part of this business just like he is.

TMcPhail: Thank you, Michelle, and let me say what an honor it is to be a part of this company. Some might want to be the head of this business, but I'm lucky just to be part of the abdomen.

All Hail Shub-Niggurath!