's 2017 Horror Write-off:

Tech Support

Submitted by Yellowmane (email)

Tech Support

Thank you for calling Eld Rich Computer Support! This is Kenneth speaking! How can I help you today?
Ok, one moment ... computer ... making weird ... sounds. Got it! So, before we begin, I'm going to need your name, account number, and a good callback number! ... ... Thanks! Ok! One moment while I look up your account! ...

... Well, you could say it's raining here. ... Fortunately no. It started after I came in to work. What's the weather like where you're at? ... Yeah. You might be getting some of what we have ...

Here we go! Ok, Jim! Looks like you've been with us for a REAL long time, so I'm sure you're familiar with how we work!

So, you said your computer was making odd noises. Like, whirring? Clicking? ... ... It's ... talking to you? Is it wanting you to call any phone numbers? Telling you that your computer is infe ... ... You can't understand what it's saying, got it.

So, here's what we're going to do, Jim. First, we're going to want to turn the computer off and back on. This is called 'rebooting' and is very easy to do. Do you see a button on the computer that looks like a sort of 'C' with a line through the open side? ... Ok, see the circle in the lower right corner? ... Right! With the five points! You'll want to click that and then click the box next to 'Shut Down' ... Great! Now, click reboot! ... ... That's fine! I don't mind waiting! ... ...

Huh? ... Yeah. We are having a cricket issue. From what I know, we'll be getting exterminators here tomorrow. ... Yeah, they ARE quite loud! ... HA! Yeah! I never noticed that they DO sound like chainsaws!

Excellent! Ok, try to browse again! ... Still saying unintelligible gibberish, huh? Ok. Click on the three dots in the upper right. ... Right next to the star. ... ... On the RIGHT. ... Perfect! Now click on 'History'. ... And click on 'Clear History'. ... Select 'From Before the Great Void was Formed'. ... And then close and reopen the browser. ...

Still 'No Go', huh? Ok. Next thing to try. We'll want to get a bowl of water. Any bowl will do. ... Yeah, I can wait!

... ... ... Welcome back! Now! You'll want ot set the bowl on the floor and sit by it. Place your forfingers and thumbs on the rim of the bowl. Make sure that you don't get your fingers wet. ... It's ok. I can still hear you. If the call drops because of Speaker Phone, I can just call back. Now! You'll want to say these words, "F'na utnah wgnei! F'na utnah zthar! Imna umna F'na!" If the water starts glowing blue, then we're doing great! If it glows red, just put that aside! We can use it for other things! If the water turns black, then you'll REALLY want to leave as q ... Blue? Great!

So, now we'll want to dip our fingers into ther water and while sprinkling everything, and I DO MEAN EVERYTHING, concerning the computer, just say "Pth'na um'rlth!" ... No. We only need to do that once. ... Yeah, I can wait!

... ... The computer is STILL whispering to you? Ok. Last thing we can try. Do you have any children? ... What about neighbors or friends or family? ... ...

Ok! Great! How many does she have and what ages? ... ... OK! So, you'll want to ask her if you could borrow one. ... The younger one, the daughter.

Now, when you have her in your home, bring her before the computer and set her on, say, a baking pan. ... OH, no! That's done if the computer monitor goes out! But thanks for the proactive thinking! So, with the baby laid out, you'll want to make an incision just below the sternum, just large enough to put your hand in.

... Huh? ... We'll you do intend to return child, right? I mean, it wouldn't be right to keep it. It's not your child, right? *laughs* ... Right! ... So, we put our hand into the incision and pull out the heart. ... ... Well, it may hurt for a moment, but i promise the baby will not feel a thing for very long! ... Right!

So, we pull the heart out and burn it until it's just ash! THEN, we throw the ash at the computer! It's VERY IMPORTANT - NOT - to throw the ash at the monitor! Not unless it's looking at you. ... Exactly! ... So, we throw the ash at the computer and say this, "Re'shnf ishmfah! Mnzthgah roomth Ptalah! Hshkg'falla!" If that doesn't work, give us a call back. We may need to schedule someone to come out and take a look. ... ...

Thanks for that, Jim! I appreciate the compliment! ... You have a great day as well and thank for calling Eld Rich Computer Support!

Hey, Kevin! Can I borrow your umbrella? I'm about to head out to lunch and don't want to get blood on my clothes! ... Thanks!