's 2017 Horror Write-off:

The Holder of the Pies

Submitted by Butts McGee

A "Holders" Tribute/Parody

The first thing you've got to do, you've got to find the shadiest chain pizza joint you can. A clean, well-run restaurant won't work at all. Like, you won't die or anything, you'll just make the employee at the counter give you a weird look and it'll be really embarrassing.

So find the nastiest, scuzziest pizza parlor you can. Once located, you've got to acquire one (1) Canadian Loonie coin. This is important, it's got to be a Loonie. Any other currency and your fate will be unspeakably horrible.
Canadian dollar coin in hand, enter the pizza joint during regular business hours. If you feel the coin become pleasantly warm and begin to slowly pulse, you know you've found a resturant sleazy enough to serve as a gateway to the Holder of the Pies.

Go to the counter. The guy behind it will always be named Steve, always seventeen, always with shoulder-length, greasy hair, and will always have a really gnarly pimple just slightly off center on the tip of his nose.

A word of warning, here: No matter how hungry you may be, do not purchase and consume any food from the restaurant. It's not cursed or anything, it's just that the Entity known as Steve doesn't wash his hands after he uses the toilet. Gross, Steve. Gross.

Speaking to Steve isn't entirely necessary, but is probably the polite thing to do. All you need to do is hand him the Loonie coin. At this point, Steve will press the coin to his prominent nose-pimple. The room will be bathed in an eerie red light identical to that of a fast-food heat lamp for approximately three seconds. When the light clears, there will be a large cave where the Steve and the counter were. If you smell the scent of a nice, zesty marinara wafting from the cave, you may proceed. Should you smell rotting meat, leave immediately. The Loonie coin will appear under your pillow within two weeks, and when it does you may try again.

Assuming the cavern smells intoxicatingly of tomato-based sauce, and you continue along the path, you will find yourself in a tunnel comprised of pizza. It will start off as cheese, and as you continue downward along your route, the toppings will become increasingly uncommon, until they are bizarre, unearthly things that your mind will have trouble comprehending. It is not dangerous to look at them, however, they will change every time you blink or look away, due to your brain being unable to process what you're truly seeing.

Feel free to eat the pizza comprising the tunnel, if you wish. This pizza is eternally warm and fresh and has never known the touch of Steve's toilet hands. You could even take a nap on the pizza, if you're not opposed to some grease-stains on your clothes. The pizza cave is sacred, and you are safe here. Eventually, you will reach the end of the pizza tunnel. There will be a border of crust, and that border is the line between the absolute safety of the cavern and the perils of your final destination.
Where the tunnel ends, the grimiest, most vermin-infested pizzaria kitchen begins. Cockroaches will scuttle past you, and you will hear the sound of mice and rats gnawing on ancient, leathery hunks of pepperoni within the walls.

And at the wall opposite you, hunched over an old, cracking brick oven, you will find the Holder of the Pies. Speak to the Holder. It doesn't matter what you say, he will always reply with, "Who dares disturb me, the guardian of the pies?"

His voice will shake the kitchen, causing cracked plaster to cascade down and shatter on the floor. Avoid being hit in the head by any large debris, and make your way toward him. The Holder will turn, and you will see a hideous amalgamation of pizza pie and man in a filthy chef's uniform. Do not flinch away, scream, or speak any more words, or he will smash you to a bloody, bone and flesh pulp with his giant wooden pizza peel.

Instead of answering a question, you must sing him the first few lines of "On Top of Spaghetti":

"On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese

I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed

It rolled off the table, it rolled on the floor

And then my poor meatball rolled out of the door."

Upon hearing your ballad, the Holder of the Pies will shed a single, whole black olive from one of his eyes, and return to work. Take the olive, and keep it safe, as it is Object #74992.

Your return trip will be through the pizza cave you traversed to get here.

When you exit the cave, Steve and the checkout counter will have returned to their normal position. Leave him a couple dollars in the tip jar if you're feeling generous, this is his first job and I'm sure he'd appreciate it.