's 2018 Horror Write-off:

Bug Nuts

Submitted by The Bee Keeper

Bug Nuts

You know those little gifts people give you when they can't figure out what to get you? Well, I got one of those. But I wasn't actually that let down. Nah, I had what I needed. A cozy home, family, a bowl of fresh nuts. I really couldn't complain.

I slipped off the tacky bow and opened up the curious little wooden box. A cheerful bobbling lady bug greeted me with a hand painted message "I luv you!". A nice kitschy toy, what are they called? Hmmmm... Oh yes, "Bug in a Nut".

I grabbed the nut cracker and got to work on one of the walnuts from the treat bowl. I pried the nut meat out, only to discover... another wooden bug? A butter yellow butterfly waggled and jiggled in the remains of the nut shell. Huh? Very funny. Hardyharhar. As far as pranks go, it was pretty lame, but still merited points for originality.

I cracked open another walnut which held not deliciousness, but a wooden wobbling lady bug, just like the bug nut. Now I was just getting a tad p-ed off. So naturally the next three nuts also contained "bugs". Ack! Forget this!

I peeled the silver seal off the can of honey roasted peanuts I had stashed in the cupboard. Empty! Or rather, devoid of peanuts, but sitting at the bottom of the can was a bobbling beetle.

Ok fine... I'll just munch on cereal tonight. I reached into the box like a starvin' raccoon. Scrabbling around in there I was rewarded with nothing but another bug. Ugh ok I'll just go to bed.


The next morning I got out the skillet to make some flap jacks. I opened the box of butter to pull out a fresh stick and got, you guessed it, a bug!

I shut the fridge door so hard, magnets went falling all over the floor. Alright, I don't particularly care for pre-made frozen food, but this seemed like as good a time as any to break out the frozen toaster pastries. As big as a volley ball sat a wooden beetle. Its spring supported legs wiggled as if jeering at me. Its giant painted googly eyes stared dumbly at nothing.


I splashed my face with cold water hoping it would sober me up. Clearly, I wasn't quite awake yet. But soon enough I was running back out my restroom. I had been mindin' my own business, trying to do my business... Lookin' up at me from the toilet was a lady bug. I didn't know what was happening here, but I sure as hell, wasn't about to stick around to find out. Laugh if you must. But something was seriously wrong here.

"Mrowwwwwwww! Mrow! Mrow!" Buster came to my side and rubbed himself all over me. Oh? Oh yeah, I'd forgotten to feed poor Buster. He'd be sure to meow until catastrophe itself, if I didn't put anything in his bowl.

I opened the drawer to get his food. Another bug was there to wobble mockingly. Oh come on!

"Mrow! Mrow! Mrowwwwww! Mrow! Mrow!" Oh good god Buster, I'm tryin' to feed that gob of yours!

"Mrowwww!" Buster leapt onto the countertop. As he went on meowing I got itty bitty pin prickles down my neck. Waggling around in his mouth was a bug in place of my kitty's tongue.


I went into the foyer and sat down on the mat. Eventually, I rose up from my fit of hyperventilation. Turning slowly back to the hallway, a monster greeted me. A wooden bug the size of an SUV sat there. All my rugs, paintings, light fixtures, and furniture were gone. There was nothing but empty space and that bug.

Dashing for my car, I practically ripped off the door. As I tried to slide into the driver's seat my hip whacked into something hard and I fell down. Hovering over my head the great jagged mandibles of a stag beetle loomed menacingly. I screamed like a beast caught in a foot trap. I caught my breathe and relaxed a little after realizing that my arthropod assailant was nothing but timber painted into a superb facsimile of a real creature.

"Are you feelin' alright?" Doug my neighbor must have heard me screaming like a new born babe. I didn't really know how to respond. I felt like I'd finally been dropped back into the reality into which I belonged. But I was still at a loss for words.

Doug took off his glasses and wiped them off with his vest. Two wiggly bugs swayed around in his empty red eye sockets. As he spoke his mouth remained frozen open showing an endless void just beyond his teeth and a single wood bug. I don't know what he said, I was, well, distracted.

I catapulted myself over the nearby fence and ran madly, not knowing my destination. After a few minutes I realized that I had been running through the same empty stretch of darkness. I think?... It was so very dark...

Where had the sun gone? Or the clouds, or trees, or yards n' houses? Where was anything?

I laid down flat, weighed down by exhaustion and growing depression. I closed my eyes and swiped my fingers across the ground. It was smooth like a polished floor.

I sat up and took in the view. The smooth hill I was sitting on was red and black. Two flat soulless eyes bigger than my house looked at me as if they intended to swallow me whole.

"Oh bugger all!"