Dave

Good evening what a perfect full moon night to hold a Solstice with all our friends together in the wonderful… what? … Were is Gamela? Well my friends that is an interesting tale and though I know many of you have heard parts of this story before and you will have to hear it again to get the entire picture of why she will not be coming back for a while and is living closely with humans. Came down, came down no she has not been kidnaped and no Per the Templars are no longer a thing so shut up. Everyone got that out of there system? Good. Now shut up and let me tell my story that like many epic sagas begins with a very stupid teenage boy who wants desperately to get laid and the downwards spiral into madness, sex, power, and just plain stupidly.

My part of the story beings in Alfheirmr the world of the light elf’s far away from this smelly rock of Midgard. If any of you have traveled there you would know that the sun never sets, the food is plentiful, there are no real wars, no disease, and death, and that it is a boring as witching wall paper peeling in the afternoon sun. That sun never sets and is always in the middle of the sky turning everything golden makes time pass at a crawling pace with one second can feel like a year and a year a century. There are only two real things to do in Alfheirmr work on the many, many farms or lessen to stories from human’s who thought bad luck or trickery end up in Alfheirmr to live forever in bless and boredom. I was dozing in the fields of bless laying down in the golden fields of wheat lessening to Rorik a unlucky Scandinavian raider tell for the hundredth time about how he sliced two men at one with his great ax and other great deeds. I was already three fourths asleep when I started to hear someone call out with a faint yet still desperate voice “Sigerrre” “Sigerrrre” with nothing better to do I left Rorik to tell his tales to the empty air and flowed the voice to an old Maple tree up a hill.

Looking around I found an odd black hole in the ground. Now this hole was odd as it looked like someone had instead of digging the area cut out the area like it was on a piece of paper in a children’s book and just left it blank. The voice called out again “Sigerrre” and the hole shook shrinking a few inches making it a tight squeeze for me if I wanted to go. The rest of you must have already gest that this was an incompetent summoning by either an incompetent or desperate summoner if it was this pathetic and far away from the summoning target. Usally when summoned the target is either scooped up in a hole that appears from beneath them or disappears in a puff of smoke and fire. This left me with two choices do I go back to Rorik and my life of living in paradise or jump down a hole to possible death and entrapment never to see the sun of Alfheirmr again. It was during this thought I crouched down and sprang at the hole shooting though to the other side just making it though while the hole closed a few inches away from my tail.

I landed right next to a similar oak tree thought this one was only about fifty year old tree while the other was in its four hundreds. As soon as I fell out of the hole I heard weird high pitched chanting on the other side of the tree. I poked my head out to see a pudgy white teenager standing in front of a hardy recognizable pentagram of twigs with nine “bowls” around him. Now when I say “bowls” I mean only two bowls of handmade clay that I found later were from his little sister’s art class. The other were three plastic Tupperware containers that at the time I though must have been rare pieces of art only to learn later that they were only one buck at the nearest dollar store, and two chipped stained coffee mugs that still reeked of stale black coffee. Each “bowl” contained freshly spilled blood of a sacrifice and from there smell it was a squirrel or other small mammal. I decided to look my best and see what the kid had summoned me for and seeing what I thought was a very fancy torch I stepped into the light.

Using the kids light I cloaked myself in illusion making myself look like a handsome if anemic human nobleman with long blond hair neatly combed covered in fresh furs and robles with curved toes shoes and a silver crown on my brow. The kid was flabbergasted as I had must have seemed to come out of thine air with my performance actually causing him to trip over himself and losing his flashlight as it drooped on the ground in front of him. Using what light was left on my feet and the light of Mani or for all you ignorant masses the Moon good and the shining stares I was able to retain my illusion and using my best nobleman scowl and booming voice I order the kid to tell me why he summoned me to his phatic plane. The kid told me the whole story though I had to both piece it together from both his stammering and whimpering and later findings from gossipy family members. It seems that the kids late grandfather was a rich collector of mythology from around the world especially his home country of Norway and that when the old bat finally died he in a risky mood during the funeral decided to take some of the papers off the old goat’s disk in both memorial and as a way to get ahead. Apparently, the old man had wanted to summon me probably in order to live forever in Alfheirmr but corked before even getting to accomplish his task.

What… Shut up I didn’t lose focuses and yes there is a point now sit down or will never get thought this you horrible little man. Now where was I ah yes, the kid staring at my majesty in awe. So after telling his name Lee or Billy or something like that he told me that he would give me his soul for his desires which like most mortals were boring, stupid and dull just like most if not all of them. Billy basically wanted to be rich, the most popular guy in his high school, irresistible and in his world “Nail that babe in art class Rebecca.” Focusing hard to stop my illusion from rolling its eyes along with me I told Billy I was not a demon so I did not need his soul, but that I would help him out with some magic that should make him irresistible to any sex. First leaving the illusion behind I shuffled though my handy reindeer skin satchel for anything that could fix the mess that was the kid with his fat threating to spill out of his black t-shirt and nothing to the imagination blue jeans. A the very bottom I found some cream I had stolen from a group of nymphs a few centers back that should smooth anything out even including the bark off wood and with the left side of Billy’s face covered in what looked like a disgusting white and red zit cover mountain range I figured that it would have it work cut out for it. In my satchel I also found a jar of grounded flowers from my friends back home that should work on the kids greasy black long hair and finally a smooth green pebble sized stone that if the kid concentrated on should remove his access of blubber from around his body the god’s forbid. With these three gifts I told Billy how they operated and with a look of small skepticism he took them and stared to dismiss me.

As I faded my illusion I told the kid that if he faced any more problem he knew how to contact me and that for better results he should use a bigger animal. I mostly said that hoping the kid would get the picture and next time either use a chicken or goose or even hopefully a horse so that there would be meat later for me to eat instead of a dead squirrel a dish no respectable light elf would be see with even when starving.

The next couple of mounts were dull and uneventful as cement as I mostly hung around the kids house invisible sleeping in his garage learning about the outside world thought the town and Television and pulling pranks and such on the inspecting mortals. One night I was watching a movie at a nearby neighbor’s house trying to understand the point of this moronic “modern warfare” When I hear Billy’s voice again calling me into the kitchen. There was the hole again and again I jumped down placing myself behind the same tree with Billy’s even more frantic chanting in the foreground. In the ten mounts Billy had taken my advice and had become what the humans call sexy his fat had been absorbed by the stone causing it to become the size of a bowling ball, his hair was no longer like greasy spaghetti and now was short and silky and his acne had all disappeared leaving it as smooth as a baby’s bottom. This overall transformation was undermined by both the fact that his clothing looked like it was much too big for him being stretched out by his previous form and the fact that he face was a corps like white with gallons of sweet dribbling form his face onto the forest ground.

The bowls were the same though I could see that he replaced the Tupperware bowls with sleeker clay one form the pottery store. From the smell of the blood I could tell he was desperate as it had a practically feline smell to it and I later found that he had killed the family cat in order to “appease me” still missing the point of my settle wanting of edible food not pets or vermin. I again appeared in the light projecting myself as a combination of a noble king and that “elf” from those ring movies that humans seem to love. The director of these movies obviously never saw a real elf in his life and just wanted pretty humans for people to lust over as he did not even include real elf’s blacked scaled claws on both they hands and feet or our beautifully sharpened fangs that can bit though the toughest of hides. Sorry about that… again in my booming voice I commanded to know what Billy wanted and after asking why I looked different I told him I could take any form I wanted and that he should be glad that I did not appear as a dragon and gobble him up for asking such a stupid question… I mean rally you get a magical force that can grant you every desire and that back-sass him about it... human am I right. Anyways it turns out that Billy did “hook up” as they say hear with Rebeca after becoming handsome having her dump her steady boyfriend and accidently getting her pregnant. Well there kid was born healthy despite Billy’s pleads for her to get an abortion. Now Rebeca’s parents wanted him to take reasonability and work at her dad Auto store in order to take care of her and the child.

Billy of course chose the very low road and instead decided to plead to me to make his mistake disappear one way or another into thine air. I then told him that I would help him get rid of his problem in a few days and that all his problems would be over. I then followed closely behind the kid as he practically giggle like a school girl on his way home making a mental note that I would have to tell the cats in the neighborhood that there leader Mr. Fuzzy or just big daddy to them was dead and who was to blame chucking to myself the cat attacks the kid would face in the street after that.

To make a longer story short I slept in Jerry’s unlocked car in order to follow him to school and beyond to see this Rebecca and Billy’s spawn for myself. After uhhh… Jimmy yeah I think I was wrong back there and his name was really Jimmy… anyways when Jimmy went to school, I made myself ghost like and explored the high school tormenting students and especially the staff with smoking VCR’s, runaway book crats and even a mop that danced to disco. The day was so jam packed that I almost failed to notice the final bell and had to run to find Jimmy leaving the building. The drive was long and boring, but Jimmy finally drove to his “girlfriends” house a nice three story house outside of town. There Jimmy was greeted by his girlfriend father who dwarfed over Jimmy staring at him like he was a disease-ridden rat which of course he was, but I digress. The farther rumbled that Rebecca was upstairs and that he should hurry up sarcastically remaking that he should perform his fatherly duties. After gowning though more disapproving family member the “girlfriend” and child were in her room both delighted to see him though I can’t imagine why. They talked and I entertained myself with observing the other family members and pondering to myself about what I should do now. My first plan had been to sell the kid to troll tribe under the abandon bridge outside of town, but after seeing her and her so called “family” I made up my mind and decided a different fate faced “Emily” instead. A few days later after wondering around Rebecca’s cul-de-sac I found the most perfect log for my plan and commenced casting a strong enchantment on it turning its shape to look just like Emily down to the pink bunny pajamas she usually wore. That night after inviting myself in I slowly went into Rebecca’s room. Slowly step by step just as I had been taught by my mother I took Emily out of her crib and replaced it with the incanted log I had left on the ground. Emily did not even make a sound as I took her down stairs and tough the door vanishing into the night to never see that house again.

And that ladies and gentlemen is how I acquired my daughter Gamela. Now quiet down all of you and yes this has story has been about her “other” father. The rest of the story almost all of you know the log “died” in a few days freeing Jimmy and the girl form there respected fates though from what I heard the girl always blamed him and was never the same even after getting a new husband and kids. She said that Jeffery had used some sort of curse or something in order to get out of his reasonability. Point is huum… no I think it was Joe soon left his rink dink town far away and went to a collage on the other side of the country. Not knowing or caring where he went, I also decide to travel with my new daughter to explore this supposed “New World” and see what other fun actives there were out there. Now if you know anything about elf’s it’s that we cannot reproduce sexually and in order to increase our numbers we have to swap human children with enchanted logs or lesser spirts and rise them as our own. This in turns quickly turns the child into one of the enlightened shining folk or elf’s to those uncultured making her much more than just another stupid short lived ape.

While her “father” was busy with collage, co-eds and parties, me and my new growing daughter explored these fine new nations and discovered both on purpose and by accident all you fine folk including Per and your seven brothers down in your stinky cave and Mix drinking the blood of those out too late in the Chicago summer. I taught her the tricks of elfish survival along with our magic, how the sun and light is our life blood and the different beings of this world both magical and boring.  Now Joe for most of Gamela’s training did not bother us that much only summoning me every once in a while which at that point I would tell Gamela to remain invisible and out of sight. The requests were usally the same sex, prestige, or envy of his fellow classmate over one thing or another. During this time, I was able to suggest to him ideas on how to improve his summoning rituals and to use edible animals in order to leave treats for later for both me and Gamela.

It was not until about five years of getting summoned then fining the closets near empty bus in order to travel that hmm… Victor truly started to settle down marking the begging the end of our time together. You see Victor never truly learned his lesson from the first time he knocked a girl up and soon lusted after a black hair beauty who it turns out was already in a very steady relationship. Now this next part might be my fault as well as Victor wanted the girls…oh right her name was Sandra, thank Oden I got that that would have gnawed at me all night… anyways Sandra’s boyfriend to be gone. I guess he was confident that he could woo her with her lover out of the picture, but what do I know for all I know they were already getting at it who is to say. I thought that this would be the perfect chance to have Gamela learn how to “prank” humans.

I can see from all your faces that you can guess what happened to the fiancé from Gamela’s sense of humor I would still think that he can’t look at a rubber duck without suppressing a scream still. Needless to say after he fled the collage and possible the country, Sandra was soon with Victor and in less than a year they were married with a daughter on the way.

 Back to what matters Gamela soon grew into the elf you all know and love turning into a fine young lady in about the usual nine years. Though unfortunately she never acquired to the fullest extent of my good looks with her mouth being too small instead of reaching the normal ear to ear and her ears only slightly pointed not magnificently large and well-defined pointed like most of our kind. Still her eyes developed naturally with small exquisite pin-point pupils and her clawed hands and feet that are even sharper than mine. The only other curse was that she inherited her biological father’s facial feature even after turning into a full elf though it was thanks to being an elf she did not inherit any of his fat or acne, but still I love her all the same.

Victor then soon found work with our help and stared his “perfect family” with a wife and two children an older girl and a rug rat boy. Now at this point I was bored with was his name Wallace who now owning his own chicken coop could summon me almost every other week and get away with it with nice jars, candles and all the works though his request were every the same sex, power and pettiness. I decided to let Gamela handle his request most of the time while I explored and pulled pranks. That was when the trouble stared as Gamela soon grew attached to her “step” siblings. I still don’t understand why she has grown so attached to them appearing to them while they are alone and teaching our ways of magic, but hey I would help too sometimes telling them stories I told Gamela as she was growing up.

This might be where we ran into trouble as the soon Sandra got calls about her children telling “Scary” stories and that they were too traumatic… I personally don’t get it if somebody in the story doesn’t end up killed, militated or eaten alive what is the point of the story at all. This change of her children or possible to find if Victor was cheating on her… he was by the way as he had really never really learned from his past mistakes ... she started to snoop though his privet material’s finding the bag he kept his ritual materials in right in the top of his closet for all too see like a moron.

This my friends is where my last summoning comes in. At first I thought it was the usual routine, hear my name, go down hole come out in… now that I think about it William sounds better… William’s basement give him some materials or pull a prank take the chicken and then fallow right after him to leave his house rinse and repeat. There were a few clues about how bad things had gotten on being William’s face that was again corpse white and sweating, another clue was that the bowls had been filled to the top with blood along with blood spilt all over the circle and floor, and the final big clue was Sandra body sprawled out near me blood covering her front from a gash in her throat. Heaving a sigh, I asked William what had happened, and he said Sandra had found both his ritual materials and the texts that he had been sending to his fling telling him it was over and that he should get a good lawyer. Now William did not take this well and in his blinding rang strangled her to death with his hand prints all over her chocked neck for all to see. At this point he kept blabbing about how he did not mean to killer her and that it was her flat in the first place for snooping around and not minding her own business etcetera, etc., you get the pathetic picture. Anyways William then starts pleading with me to make it go away to take her body far away where nobody would find it or to find a way to blame his neighbor for the murder. It was hear that I had had enough and told William that there would be no help this time that I had grown board with our deals and with him in particular and that he should clean up his own mess.

This of course did not sit well with William who after looking like a dead fish from shock started to insult and threaten me. “It’s by my power that you’re in this world at all, you have to obey me I as I have gaven you life blood, haven’t I been a good provider for all these years?” blah, blah, blah.  As I calmly told him it was over again William suddenly turned violent brandishing the kitchen knife covered in the dried blood from his wife’s throat. It was at this point William screamed his final worlds as he reached out to grab me only to pass though my illusion and grab my real jacket. The illusion shatter I for the first time showed my true beautiful form to the stunned silent fool who stuck by my glorious form backed away leaving himself wide open to my claws and teeth.

That ladies and gentlemen was the end of Williams’s tale and after leaving both what was left of him and his wife on the floor I went up stairs and called 911. Using his daughter voice I told the police that her father had gone crazy and that he was going to kill me, I also used Williams voice in the background screaming random nonsense. The labeled it a double homicide though they never fingered how Sandra was able to crew though his throat and claw his face off like a wild animal. Gamela soon decided to flow her “siblings” and left with them to go live with their mothers’ parents five states away. I wish her luck and hope she can stay happy with her new if slightly smeller family. What… did I hear Toms last words why yeas my friend it was “My names is Dave you smug pointy eared bastard!”

Note: Only a big recrimination for a review from my childhood. Haunted Castle an Interactive Adventure Book by Leo Hartas published by DK ink in 1997. A huge puzzle interactive book that contains amazing amounts of creepy creativity and surprises in it 26 pages. Some examples include a giant brain with a face in it in a rundown laboratory, giant anamorphic rat parent with his own crew of undead sailors and an amusement park making their own biological monsters for the public to enjoy with one strangling a scientist in the back ground. A copy used seems to cost any were from 8 dollars to 24 and I just can’t give up my own too many memories, but I feel that it is a book any lover of unique monsters can love I am still finding stuff over twenty years later so I would recommend it for your site. Next year 12 months of monsters see you then.

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