Bogleech.com's 2018 Horror Write-off:
Submitted by Glumdrop & The Hungry Reader (email)
A novel by Glumdrop and The Hungry Reader
by The Hungry Reader
Joy Traveler is a work of science fiction. It is not a true story.
It is a standard practice, if somewhat frowned upon in literary circles, to begin a story like Joy Traveler with a message like this one: "I'm so scared and you know I'd never lie to you but this really happened, honest to God." In this case, however, it is imperative that you understand that the events of this book are not true. There is no Joy Traveler console, no Press Bea, and Bea herself exists only in the imaginations of her creators.
However, not everything that happens in this story is science fiction.
This is a story about Bea, a woman who makes a living as a streamer: ie, someone who plays video games for the benefit of an online audience, who watch her via their own computers. She brings her expertise, humor, and quick wit to the performance, and in return, the streamers not only become her friends, but compensate her with real money, through donations and subscriptions to her other services. Although Bea is attractive enough, with a stick-thin figure and twinkling eyes behind her glasses, her online performance is in no way sexualized: it's only her personality, and the games she chooses, that serve as a draw for the audience.
This is not one of the science fiction elements of our story, though. It is, as is often said with gravitas by the culture of social media, a thing. The story of Bea is presented here through her show, in the form of transcripts, with dramatic embellishments at our discretion. The reader may sometimes be privy to private thoughts of Bea’s, or readings on her emotional state that could only be speculated upon by her viewers; dramatic devices, nothing more.
Some of our readers may be bemused by the thought of having to explain game streamers, but others are less immersed in the Internet's growing body of culture than its authors are. They might even wonder who would ever pay to watch someone else play a video game.
To watch others play a game, we must remind them, is why stadiums are built.
E. Z. Poschman (The Hungry Reader)
(May 31, 2015)
"And that's Terranigma, everybody, thanks for joining me.. I still have a little time left in the stream. Think I'll just play something less emotionally rending.." Wow, that one got some tears out of the hardened LPer.
berd_snurglar: i'm not crying i'm just flexing my eyes and water happens to be coming out
HNV: Hey David, I kicked the shit out of those vampires... oh god put on Bubble Bobble or something
Syrupentine: Seriously, Bea, do you have something that's like, I dunno, Mr. Do? Something colorful and somehow non-heartbreaking?
aroseahorseboy: yeah watch bea whip out a battery-powered Pac-Man multicart now
"Hey it was colorful anyway.. in parts" She sighs, looking through her collection. "Yeah, seahorse, I was thinking of something like that, like a minigame collection. Heck, if its short, really, I'm all for it"
Ms_Ryder: https://smile.amazon.com/dp/[link redacted]
"Nah, maybe more like a collection? We can sample a few th-" she stops. "Hey hang on, this looks kind of fun. Hey Ryder, you're on Press Bea! Nice find, too. I definitely don't know this one!"
Chillarmy_The_Bee: 167 games??????/
Syrupentine: that's like starting a whole new SHOW
DueyDecimal: Hey Ms_Ryder! Where'd you find the link?
DueyDecimal: Oh, they left.
Baconnaise: 167 games, logically one of them must have hot men right
aroseahorseboy: if you like blocky men with mustaches instead of mouths... which i do
Baconnaise: Hey, don't knock it til you've tried it right
Glockroach: Bea please hurry the blocklust is reaching critical levels
Joy Traveler: Screen 1
(Sunday, June 28, 2015)
"Okay okay I think I've got it hooked up now.. Y'know what's great about doing this as a stream is that you guys get to be there for all the technical difficulties and that just brings us closer together!"
Bea’s show begins with a brief demonstration of the Joy Traveler console itself: it’s very small, no bigger than a smart phone, and the single wireless controller is even smaller. Both of them are a simple matte black in color.
She holds up the JT controller to the camera. "Feel like I'm gonna break this thing!"
HNV: Sorry I'm la-- Bea what the hell are you holding
Syrupentine: It's that joybuster thing she ordered last week! And you've been here the whole time, you forgot to log off on Tuesday.
The dance of developer logos plays out across the screen. There's at least seven, including one that's simply the Joy Traveler company itself. Then there's the Under-3 "choking hazard" sign.
"I don't recognize any of these people, this could be a rough one, everybody.. So the console claims 167 games, and you and I are going to sit here and play EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM!"
aroseahorseboy: shh shh don't cry she's just kidding RIGHT BEA
"Or until we realize how terrible they are, i'm leaning more towards the second possibility"
Glockroach: Bea don't try to swallow the controller, you'll choke, it said so"
HNV: [Dancing controllers] "We're not candy, even though we look so fine and dandy"
DueyDecimal: ...I say we hold Bea to this and make her do them all
Finally the Joy Traveler 1*67 logo appears on the screen, followed by a crowd of sprites from various games, all parading by much like Monster Party. Some of them look familiar from Bea's quick glance at the poster!
"Hey its my commenters!" she says as she watches the parade, pointing out where she knows some of them. "The poster is a work of art in and of itself, I'm going to give that its own little review later… right, let’s get to know our new family!"
HNV: There's the one you were looking for, bacon-- with the little mustache and the big pecs
Klickitat_Street: Am i hallucinating or does anyone else see a sausage flopping along there behind the blue guy?
Upon pressing start, the screen immediately blips to a menu screen. The background shows the rooftops of houses, and a stork standing on the chimney of the closest house. At the bottom of the screen are a row of dots, with the first one highlighted; there are fourteen in all.
Klickitat_Street: Fourteen screens of these, Bea. Now's the time to back out!
DueyDecimal: Why's it playing Joy To The World? Is this a Christmas thing?
DueyDecimal: …Oh. Joy Traveler. Of course.
The games that are listed above the rising morning sun include:
1. Mothers Kisses
2. Egg Catchem
3. Fireball Soccer
4. Demolition Krew
5. Bad Dream Vacation
7. Cassowary Attaaack
8. Eating Brothers
9. Chewy Tail
11. Last Of Them All
12. Keep Your Promises
"I can't back out now, I've already puffed up my ego about it! Let's just see where this goes, we've been wrong before!"
She moves the cursor up and down the page. "I still don't know what most of these are, but let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start"
aroseahorseboy: if you want to be really slick, nothing comes before eggs
Syrupentine: I'm excited for the cassowary one!
HNV: Weird that the Last Of Them All is only #11, isn't it
"It's probably just a title, or the messed the order all up." She settles on Egg Catchem.
#2: Egg Catchem
berd_snurglar: haha i'm been saving up all my egg puns for a day like this
Baconnaise: This is not men, what are you doing
Bea is controlling an astronaut(?) who can only dodge between three conveyor belts. Eggs are slowly rolling by on the belts: brown ones are supposed to go untouched, landing in the brown basket at the end. White eggs are less common, but the object is to push them into the wastebasket on the opposite side.
Llord_Kuruku: Well, there's your man... one out of two chance
Syrupentine: Why is an astronaut reenacting an old Lucy sketch?
"You can't put them in your mouth if you're in a helmet, man!" She misses the first few but quickly picks it up, humming Powerhouse before long. "Nnno. Nno! Bad eggs, off with ya! BEAT it!"
berd_snurglar: hey all my jokes :(
Glockroach: *yolks. how could you fuck that up
HNV: Better scramble before Bea devils you any further
aroseahorseboy: she's a bit of a benedict arnold
As Bea's score climbs higher, a new egg appears-- mossy green. When she takes it to the wastebasket, the wastebasket turns green; the green egg seems to have hatched! Now she has to keep putting bad eggs into that one, or else a long 'tongue' will reach out of the wastebasket to grab the good brown eggs!
"I have no ham to go with this so I'ma toss it.. oh.. OHH, EW. What did I do here??" She does her best to keep it fed, but it doesn't seem like the next stage will ever come! "Some of our eggs are healthy and some will completely turn your trash can evil. I want to complain to the egg manager please.."
Baconnaise: Green Eggs.. and DEATH
More green eggs are appearing, and luckily she can feed them to the green bin without trouble. Then, with an ominous bass sound, a large blue egg appears. The question of whether it's good or bad is answered almost immediately, as it hatches two spindly little legs and goes marching around on the conveyor belt eating up the good eggs!
Bee52: See, this is why I didn't want to take over my dad's farm.
Syrupentine: Oh god it's like that video where the worms come out of the praying mantis
"I hate this!! Ooh I really don't like the way it walks either, the little march? it's way too happy about this!" she ends up chasing the blue egg around, forgetting to keep her eggs sorted, and soon she's racked up her first game over!
Bee52: bah, seahorse beat me
[Editor's note: "Buzzbombed" is a ritual chant given in the chat when Bea loses a game. Most of them from here on have been excised for redundancy's sake.]
"Rrrrrrrgh, I can't be in two places at once! I don’t know how you counter that, I didn't see any power-ups or anything, but, i guess its just one of those survive game!"
Syrupentine: It looked like a cute old arcade game until it started getting gross and weird
HNV: I hope that's a theme with all of these!
"Well, sure it was weird but, I would HOPE so anyway! That's half the fun of these, seeing what crackpot ideas go into them. Having said I don't want to do this one anymore right now. I don't think I can win anyway, what's next…"
#1: Mother's Kisses
The player moves a motherly woman across a grid of beds against a darkened background. The beds have children in them that will periodically cry, but moving Mother to their side will calm them.
"And so we begin... with something really cute!" says Bea, puzzled but amused. "I was expecting a knockoff of something but this feels pretty original, if simple. No bad dreams tonight kids! Hey, I see those comic books under your pillow!"
Perhaps she spoke too soon. As the stages progress, more children appear in the beds, and 'bedbugs' begin to appear: they emerge from under the bed: these are bluish-white creeping things that make an unnerving creaking sound when they're on the screen.
"Whoah, hey li'l buggies. Wait you're not friendly, are you?! ...That's not what bedbugs look like for real, is it? I thought they were little mite kind of things, I don't remember exactly. But I'm pretty sure I've never seen them drawn like this. Kind of hard to tell what I'm looking at besides legs and pincers."
GlockRoach: These offend my bug sensibilities, get them out of my sight
berg_snurglar: is that not how all bugs look, i don't understand the problem
The game is over if Mother allows one to find its way into a child's bed-- or if she kisses goodnight a 'child' that was actually a bedbug.
"They're pulling a changeling on you, the little bastards! No, no kiss bugs, they been bad! Bad bugs!" She keeps going for a while, but eventually can't keep up. There's no score or timer, and possibly no end to the levels either.
6. Fireball Soccer
This is not a full-fledged soccer game, it's just a game where you kick goals-- almost like Pong but with only one paddle. The sound effects are very strong, making it satisfying to kick a goal past the goalie and make him collapse in seeming despair.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL- oh I'm sorry dude! Man he's bummed, it's okay you'll get the next one!" She finds a few moves she can pull off, such as a slide kick, but it looks like she can charge up her normal kick too.
Glockroach: Yeah there ya go do a big dumb anime crescent kick
The third kick she tries makes a power meter appear, and when she manages to time it just right, the name of the game becomes apparent-- the soccer ball itself becomes a fireball! The goalie jumps for it, but is consumed in the flames!
"GOOO- OH, sorry! Heh.." she looks into the camera and grimaces as the goalie turns into a puff of ash. Then the referee comes in with a dust pan to sweep him up!
HNV: Sorta dark for a kids' game. I like it!
The game begins again, but now there's a whole new goalie sprite. When Bea shoots this time, the goalie dives out of the way-- and the game continues
aroseahorseboy: wait wait wait WAIT
is the point of this to burn goalies??
"No its not, why would they do that?" She looks at the score again. She's only earned one point, despite getting several goals. "all right. I think we're done with this one..."
Syrupentine: OK Bea. Level with us.
Did you make this?
Did you get Klickitat to program weird fake games for you or something?
Klickitat_Street: I WISH. I could use the work.
"Huh, so that's where your name comes from... No, I didn't make this but I want to find whoever did and maybe hug them or slap them or both?"
berd_snurglar: bea i made it for you aren't i amazing
Baconnaise: Bea, start slapping
After a few more... goals, she exits back to the main menu. "I just want something nice at this point, maaaybe the next one?"
4. Demolition Krew
(Note: Bea experienced a technical difficulty and the chat window isn't visible until the end of this game.)
CRASH! The Demolition Krew logo appears with a monstrous roar, and the K in Krew is a splayed monster's paw-- this is promising! Sure enough, Demolition Krew gives you a choice of four monsters and lets you loose on a city to smash your way through!
The four monsters provided are "Gragnok", who looks like a giant ape made of rocks; "Topus," a giant octopus that walks on two tentacles and fights with four more; "Kissica," a giant medusa-lamia-thing with snakes for hair, a snake's tail, and snake heads for hands(?); and "Thutmost", a giant mummy(???) who seems to be wearing parts of the Sphinx for armor! There is also a fifth monster in silhouette that you can't select, but s/he cuts a draconic profile.
"I mean look at the name, you know it's gonna be good" Bea grins, moving the cursor over all the characters before selecting. "Look at these guys, so here we have our first of many clones, I'm guessing. Looks like King of the Monsters and that's a good sign! I'm gonna go with Thutmost, first and foremost!"
The sprites aren't as big, since it's about NES quality graphically, but this definitely looks like a King of the Monsters clone! Thutmost can kick and punch, and when he's destroyed enough buildings, he can let loose a massive sandstorm-- that doesn't seem to do anything.
What's different is that there's no rival monsters to fight-- instead you're knocking down the buildings where humans are setting artillery placements to take you out, so it's more like an isometric Rampage. Also, when you take out certain buildings it changes how the city reacts-- the power plant makes the whole city go dark except for gunfire, for example. It's almost like SimCity!
"Sometimes you just want to lay waste to a city, you know? Just gotta get that all out of your system. I gotta say, so far, this is not bad, you can tell they had some good ideas anyway!" she says as she takes out a skyscraper, feeling powerful. She tries the sandstorm a couple times, just to experiment with it. "I'm just gonna keep smashing buildings until I win I guess, or until a boss shows up"
When the city is laid waste, there's only one thing remaining that's lit up-- it seems to be what your monster was seeking in the first place! For Thutmost it's his gigantic sarcophagus, which rises from the rubble of the stadium. When you return to the monster choice screen, all of them have a new pose, suggesting they're ready for a challenge. Thutmost is represented by his sarcophagus, indicating he's not available. The draconic shape now has a visible glowing eye.
HNV: Are we back?
Baconnaise: a dinosaur's story?
HNV: OK, good, we're back.
aroseahorseboy: why did it say "glem died" when Bea got a game over the first time?
The title is spelled out on gravestones. When Bea starts the game, she’s given the choice of four playable characters: all of them are knights in different-colored armor, but each has a different weapon: a sword, a spear, a flail, or a jousting lance.
"I'm a-scared, I dunno if I can do this one what with the tombstones and all.." She select the lance knight. "You know I have to pick the weapon that would be most impractical in melee combat. He's like 'hey uh, can I, can I borrow a horse from one of you guys..?' "
DueyDecimal: I don’t know who the Hero or Big Guy are in this group, but at least you picked the Lancer!
berd_snurglar: all right everyone roll to save vs. pun
The lance-wielding knight turns out to be named “Rancor”. After Bea chooses him, the game makes her wait ten seconds to see if any other players want to join in!
aroseahorseboy: a multiplayer game? but there’s only one controller??
"Aw is there a CPU I can get to join in? Be my knight buddy? Maybe there was going to be a multi-port doohicky. Unless it's searching online somehow."
HNV: I hope it doesn’t have online capabilities, you didn’t even enter your WiFi password!
"Well maybe me and the two other people who bought this can do a dungeon fest. Anyway, prepare to feel my sting, vile spawn!"
Ten seconds later the game begins. It’s a multiplayer arcade-style beat ‘em up, in the fashion of Final Fight or Double Dragon, except your armed knight has to take on all kinds of spooky graveyard monsters!
DueyDecimal: Skeletons? Were-bats? Hopping coffins? This is SO my thing!
HNV: and a green slimy humanoid thing that’s obviously a ghoul, because everyone knows they live in graveyards but not what they look like
"This is.. this is.. great??" She says as she charges through a group of skeletons! "And I think I even got moves! I mean special moves, not to be confused with The Moves which I also have"
TaichouSenseiKun: I had the moves recently, you probably just need more fiber
The lance itself isn't easy to use: Rancor does best from a long distance, since it's made for jabbing, but in close-up he can only swing it like a baseball bat which isn't as effective. The place it shines is in the special moves, though, which do put him astride a skeletal phantom horse to charge through the stage!
"You know what's better than a bigass steed? BIGASS GHOST STEED!" She has it rear back and stomp the foe she's just knocked down before it disappears again. "I think with more people you could do some pretty crazy group combos!"
Glockroach: this is like the abandonware treasure trove. Bea you should consider trying to copy some of these off the system
berd_snurglar: is that not illegal
Glockroach: Only if the company still exists
HNV: Cue lecture about the dire need for copyright reform from Duey in 5... 4... 3...
pigbarrel: yes this should be super ghouls n' guests
The first boss stomps into view... with a single foot. It's a huge zombie snail with a mausoleum for a shell, its swollen eyestalks flashing like crazy barber poles! Every time Bea manages to get a good hit in, it retreats into its 'shell' and spits out partial skeletons, each of them hopping out on one foot just like their master.
pigbarrel: haha wow good. this game is good
"I'll be watching this episode later to appreciate this yucky boy, right now gotta do the fight!" Rancor's extra range is helpful for this battle, fortunately, as she whittles down the boss with jabs.
Finally the snail shrinks into its house for good, and a number of friendly-looking ghosts come to the windows and wave in thanks! They seem to be the original family that inhabited the mausoleum.
A results screen pops up, showing the four players' scores; since Rancor is the only player, he's the top scorer, of course. The big surprise is that he's posed without his helmet... and he has no head at all! The knights are all dead too!
burd_snurglar: wow this is like castle crashers of dark souls games
aroseahorseboy: ghosts fighting ghosts to save ghosts, no live people allowed
HNV: Makes me wonder if you can even get an "extra life"!
"This could just be the Underworld! And no HNV. You can only earn EXTRA DEATHS"
Round 2 begins with Rancor leaping off a rotted dock and onto the barnacle-encrusted hull of a ghost ship! The eerie light of St. Elmo's fire gleams from every surface as he lances his way through a crowd of skeletal pirates, some of whom fight with skeletal swordfish and sawfish!
"Ahhhh help I can't swim!! Haha, just joking, I'm dead of course!" She's excited to find a room full of treasure chests, but all but one turn out to be huge killer hermit crabs! "Aha! See, the real treasure will be the crabs we met along the way."
The ship itself isn't that big, with only the upper deck full of enemies and the treasure room to explore, but once Bea finishes off the crabs and makes her way to the stern, there's a little bit of platforming action as she jumps from dinghy to haunted dinghy! These lead to a second ghost ship, an even bigger one: it's an ocean liner, with a huge hole in the side and a quartet of dead musicians playing on the deck.
"Oh hell. Actual hell. Or the underworld thing, anywho. I guess we're deader than we thought! Been dead longer."
Baconnaise: I'm glad the ghost of the titanic got work after Ghostbusters 2
DueyDecimal: Maybe you're just armor and not a ghost at all!
HNV: The armor from Ghosts N' Goblins got sick of dicking around and decided to leave Arthur behind this time
The string quartet fires bows at Rancor like arrows (how counterintuitive) and wield their instruments like clubs, but are quickly dispatched by the lance. Next comes a wave of drowned zombie tourists in grass skirts, some of whom are so waterlogged that they burst on the first attack, scattering chomping scallops in all directions!
"I might NEED another player! Any dead knights in the chat can lend a hand?" She tries to charge ahead as much as possible, only fighting the ones the game throws in her path. "Hark and buzz off, ye vast fuckin' jerks! Avast n' whatnot"
HNV: Funny but not very relevant: I saw some costumes at the Halloween store that look just like these guys, labeled “Tacky Tourist” and they had big inflatable butts
HNV: but the French name underneath was “Touriste américain”
The grueling wave of tacky tourists goes for several screens, taking Rancor through a shuffleboard court, a swimming pool with rotted octopus tentacles whipping around, and a wedding reception where he gets to knock over the barnacle-encrusted cake and a tower of wineglasses, some of which have eyeballs floating in them!
"I feel like I'm fighting my way through Tim Burton's studio here. On that note I do hope there's an evil pumpkin king behind this in a massive twist!" She says as she fight's off the bride's pet zombie shark
pigbarrel: one of those sharks they caught and put bones in
The mid-boss for this ship is not a pumpkin or even a ghost-- it's the iceberg itself, which is home to a very angry frozen mammoth! All it can move are its tusks and trunk, but that's enough to lob icicles and pull more bodies from the ice to roll at Rancor like logs. Once again, the extra range of the lance really helps!
After Bea defeats him, she continues across the iceberg to more dinghies; these ones are floating in the air, and climbing from dinghy to dinghy leads her through a cloud bank to a FLYING ghost ship!
"Is this where Bowser's airships go when they die.." Bea wonders aloud, fighting off winged pirates even as they're being picked at by seagulls!
Glockroach: this is Davey Jones's Cupboard
After just a few steps on the ship, a huge spinning windmill looms into view, and demonic tulips rise from the deck to cackle at the hero.
DueyDecimal: ...The Flying Dutchman. Of course.
This battle must have been crafted with Rancor in mind: the windmill lifts itself up, unfolding like a Transformer, and roars. Don Quixote was right, the windmills really are giants, and this one needs to be tilted at!
"My main issue though, really, is that a windmill is not an undead. As far as we know. Or maybe this one is, I'm not sure of anything?" She blocks the huge swinging fists as the go by, jumping up to attack between the arms.
Glockroach: Honestly the game could end right here and I would be satisfied
pigbarrel: when you die, if you are cursed, you may become a windmill.. if you laughed at windmills in your living life
Her charge move is helpful here too, as she can pretty quickly get from one side of the screen to the other as the windmill-bit flails about! Through careful use of special attacks and judicious dodging, Bea manages to hit the monster’s weak spot multiple times, finally causing it to collapse back in on itself. Once again, friendly ghosts appear to thank her, this time emerging through the front door to do a celebratory clog dance!
aroseahorseboy: This is the second time you had to fight a building at the end, it’s like a claustrophobia game
"Tell me if this is too much of a stretch, but it's almost like all the places you'd expect ghosts to be are turning bad? Like, all the haunted houses are turning on their residents. Or haunted windmills, what have you"
HNV: I expected to fight a ghost ship at the end of this one, the windmill was a surprise!
"I just expected a pirate, not all the pirates and the dutch. And now, mummies!"
Syrupentine: Who wants to bet you’re going to actually fight a pyramid at the end of this stage!
"Pyramid boss, after a brief detour to fight the entire terracotta army and some modern day mob guys with cement shoes. Actually I'm shocked they didn't show up when we were underwater!"
DueyDecimal: So how are we for good games vs. bad games so far? Most of the good ones have been sort of just OK until now
"I'm thinking this was a bunch of different developers and one publisher? Maybe even entirely different companies. SOME of them had to care!"
HNV: The bedbugs one and the eggs one were just sort of eh, like you said... Demolition Crew was rad, though
aroseahorseboy: yeah what Bea said!
i bet a lot of these are ripoffs of actual good games that were sold on their own
DueyDecimal: Yeah, I bet this one and the King of the Monsters type one were from the same dev team! They both have good monster graphics
Bea finally gets stuck on a pair of mummified aliens(?!) that are just a bit too unpredictable and quick for her, even if she manages to take one down before the second turns into a mummy-saucer!
HNV: Aliens even now?? It’s turning into Super Mario Land but that’s fine with me!
"Gotta admit, there really seems to be something for everybody!"
aroseahorseboy: thank you, good monster developers, for your buffet of beasts
5. Bad Dream Vacation
This is a timed side-scroller in which you play a fat little fellow in a grass skirt, who rather resembles the main character of Adventure Island! The gameplay is similar too, in that there's lots of tropically themed enemies to run and dodge over as you make your way to the goal.
"I need to keep getting the food items to keep my energy up, my life keeps depleting slowly even when i'm not being damaged, which sucks but, that's life you know.. mmm.." She makes a big deal of biting the belly out of a donut before continuing on.
"Mmp, trubble ish, it's hard to find.. ooh, get those kebabs! the tiki head monsters drop kebabs, naturally, the traditional food of their people.."
Llord_Kuruku: ah yes, the tropical paradise of Iran
The game is fairly hectic and it's very difficult for Bea to avoid all the monsters zipping around and popping out of the ground, and the food gets less and less frequent as she progresses. The sprite even reflects this, as the character begins to lose his Buddha belly!
"Uh oh... lose weight now, ask me how.." She keeps searching but the protagonist already seems to be slowing down, and his attacks even seem to move more slowly. "Maybe he's got a cool tropical parasite going on? I'm having a hard time moving here.. come on, eat! Eat that dinosaur plant, I'm sure it's fine!"
aroseahorseboy: it's my fault, I was fatshaming him in my head
As the boss of the stage draws near, a cache of food appears just before the entrance-- but much of it is grey and white, not the vibrant colors shown before. When Bea takes one, the timer loses time and the little guy gets skinnier than ever, his pixelated face looking drawn and starving!
Glockroach: Bea, you're the one who gave him the parasites
"He's probably just got a Thinner curse, come on"
Halfway through the first boss, he keels over dead from hunger! TIME OVER
HNV: That's not fair, only one life and you spend it starving to death?
Baconnaise: That's just reality, man
berd_snurglar: wow you're some cold bacon
"I dunno, maybe I did it wrong?" the game over screen lingers a little too long for comfort. "all right I'm going back to the menu, I don't wanna look at his little dead X eyes anymore, poor kid"
aroseahorseboy: wait it said something different for a sec there?
Llord_Kuruku: When you hit reset it said "he died" or something
"Whuh? eh.. I'll go back and look at it later." Bea takes a long drink of water. "I mean the other ones were kind of weird in a good way but that was just sad."
HNV: Did that count as survival horror? Or was it too cute
7. Cassowary Attaaack!
The game starts with an animated cassowary (looking more like a blue chicken) screaming as the logo drops down over it. When Bea starts the game, she's launched right into the action abruptly-- apparently this is a shmup, in which you're a person riding a giant cassowary!
"The Cassowary! Nature's awful hell-bird, now we added fire breath because they weren't bad enough already?"
"Remember kids, large birds can be very territorial, Big Bird would just wreck your shit in real life if you came around his nest, just kick you all the way to Poppyseed Way"
Llord_Kuruku: in real life they have claws that shred everything in their path-- er, like those, yes
Unlike many shooters, the cassowary actually has a melee attack! Bea can do several moves, including spinning attacks and a kick that covers half the screen, but overusing them tires the bird out.
"HYAA! The Cassowary Crescent Kick, passed down through the family for generations.. Now once again I don't really know who I am or what I'm doing or why but, I'm suuure everything will be answered in this gripping tale.."
Plot is not exactly forthcoming, but you're running across the veldt(?) battling geometric-looking robots that seem like they should have come from another game, and sometimes other cassowary riders, who look like ninjas in motorcycle helmets. But the first boss is very cool, a super ninja riding upright on two cassowaries that he can launch at you!
"Okay look at this if I time it right, my cassowasy can kick his callowary back at him.. can't talk, gonna die!"
aroseahorseboy: i guess "emu attack" wouldn't have been as eye-catching
Baconnaise: Super Bird Wars
Llord_Kuruku: Ostrich Of The Imagination?
CassowaryEmissary: Ah my people. See our glorious neck waddles
Finally the boss blows up! Very literally too, the ninja and the cassowaries all burst into red pixel gore.
"Wow what the f-" Bea bursts out laughing mid-curse. "rated M for wow thats a lot of Meat" they turned into"
"Oh.. I can get some of it for health, yay?!"
HNV: This was an intentional gross-out, but at least they're not pulling punches about cassowaries being badasses!
Bee52: maybe this was made by a fourth grader as part of his school project on cassowaries
berd_snurglar: i want to see more games with obscure birds
Syrupentine: There WAS a stork on the title screen, I wonder...
8. Eating Brothers
The title screen shows a cute smiling thing with big anime eyes and a long tail... and nothing else.
HNV: Oh good. Sperm-ario brothers.
"All right, let's go. Again, I do like this game, games, it's ridiculous but these are all kind of fun aren't they? ...God what is this thing I really don't like it"
"Oh, I eat! This is something I'm good at! I got this"
That's right, this game is about eating and bouncing on your long, coiled tail! You start out in a pink cave, eating bits of stuff lying around and making your tail longer and your jumps higher! Lots of things are after your tail, though, so you've got to keep bouncing!
HNV: Hey, this is like Snake Rattle N' Roll but it's a side-scroller
Llord_Kuruku: I don't know if I like these squishy pink caves with bouncy floors
Glockroach: look here old chum, do I come over to *your* place and tell you how to decorate
"Nah he's right, it's kind of got that juicy, meaty Contra background.. And stomach acid, there goes my tail!!" Getting hit makes you lose segments, but there's a fair amount of stuff to consume.
Baconnaise: Is that part of a shish kebab? it still has a stick piece in it, gross
aroseahorseboy: ok, only two possibilities here
one is that this is an intestine and you are a tapeworm
the other is that this is a colon and i literally can't believe anyone would make a game about this
Baconnaise: It's not that weird. they made a game about creating a disease to wipe out all humanity
berd_snurglar: yeah but i don't remember running around in a dying kid's guts
Baconnaise: Berd what you talkin about
berd_snurglar: its gotta be the guts of the kid from the island game right, thats why he was starving so fast. it all makes sense
Baconnaise: Don't come on when you're blazing anymore, okay
Syrupentine: okay but how does the soccer game fit in? And the mom and babies
aroseahorseboy: maybe the tapeworms give you rad mutants powers before they eat you
berd_snurglar: shes a soccer mom, i dunno. and she feeds her kids tapeworms so they dont get fat
HNV: Bea, seriously, help us out here, what's even happening in this game
"I'm, I'm stuck, what is this" She's collected all the food items, bopped all the enemies, and now her tail takes up the whole level! This seems to be the goal of each level. And each stage has a slightly different theme!
aroseahorseboy: so it's like Mario, if Mario was all about eating pasta until you filled the screen
Llord_Kuruku: While, simultaneously, BEING pasta.
Baconnaise: That's a heart
the stage is shaped like a heart
HNV: It seriously is! There's the aorta and the four chambers
"Why, aorta..!" Bea's commenting less and starting to look a little nauseous the more she thinks about the game. Next stage is shaped like lungs with two big chambers! "I think... I think we all know where this is heading and I don't need more tapeworms on my mind, or IN my mind"
aroseahorseboy: we got sorta absorbed in making up an overarcing plot for these games, i missed what Bea was doing
9. Chewy Tail
Strangely, this seems to be a sequel, or prequel to the previous game-- it features the tapeworm again! But this time it's a single-screen, classic arcade game. There's two tapeworms, too; Bea controls a blue one while the computer controls a white one. The object of this game is also to gobble up bits of food around the maze, but the real goal is to eat up your opponent's tail until they're just a head!
Baconnaise: Fucking vore
Bea spends most of this one making goofy eating noises, almost losing when she tries to eat a donut without pausing! "He bit me in half!! Can I.. I can, I can eat my own remains- Yes, I sure can!"
HNV: This is interesting, it's like Pac-Man but the dots are part of you
Llord_Kuruku: Or it's like Tron but you have to drive over the other guy's trail
berd_snurglar: or its like you're two buttworms eating each other.. the beauty of nature
There are a few strategies to experiment with, but the maze never changes-- all that changes as the levels progress is that both worms get progressively longer and longer tails, until the whole level is filled up with tail when you start!
Glockroach: The worm is your only emperor for diet
a worm may eat of a worm who eat of a worm who eat of a worm, etc
"There dont seem to be proper endings to a lot of these, a lot of them just ..stop"
Klickitat_Street: These games are weird, but honestly? I was expecting a lot more ripoffs and a lot less totally new stuff!
When the next level begins, Bea is proven right: the game has become uncompletable, because now the computer tapeworm head mirrors her movements. No amount of tail is gained or lost now.
"I'm just a tapewormbourous, we keep eating and eating each other.. well, this is as good a place to stop as any, they seem happy!"
aroseahorseboy: that wasn't a game or a puzzle, that was more like a poem
Another sports game in the model of Fireball Soccer-- like the previous game, it's a very stripped-down kind of baseball game, more of a home run derby. You just time your swing and aim for the bleachers!
aroseahorseboy: oh, THAT spanunko, of course, how did I not see this coming
Glockroach: the Danes call it Quality
"This is.....totally normal so far! I'm kind of disappointed but the can't all be gems" She winds up and knocks one out of the park! "Maybe it'll become a thunder ball this time!"
On her second swing, it goes into the bleachers, and there's a cute animation of a child holding up the ball as his prize!
Strangely, though, the game doesn't start again after that: instead it slowly pans over to center on someone else in the crowd, someone with a huge gray and white face, who stares right at the camera with a death grimace for a few moments.
Then it's back to the game!
Syrupentine: Ummm okay.
DueyDecimal: Spanunko! Won't you?
11. Last Of Them All
This game once again features a well-drawn title screen, showing a house at night with warmly glowing windows, a treehouse in the front yard and a tricycle underneath it. The only instructions are "Press Start".
When Bea does so, a JRPG begins! The graphics are reminiscent of the original Dragon Quest, and the opening cinematic shows a family waking up. First there's a boy with red hair, who jumps out of bed and runs down the stairs. He's followed by a much smaller girl with pony tails, then two more boys. The last one to emerge from the bedroom is the character Bea controls.
"Hello! Hey! Hi! Hi! He- oh its me, good morninnng! Is this gonna be like.. Chrono Bound? Earth Trigger"
"First things first, I have to eat video game breakfast"
Glockroach: Bea speaking as someone with four siblings your life is gonna be hell now
HNV: oh shit Bea you need to play Earthbound Beginnings after this
When you trot downstairs, the kids are all playing, tossing dolls around and making a mess of things. The red-haired boy-- apparently the eldest-- says, "Go get Mom and Dad for breakfast, I'll go get the paper."
Going back upstairs, the doorway to Mom and Dad's room is now open. Mom's sprite looks familiar, she has the same red hair as your big brother.
"Hi mo- MOM YOUR HEAD'S ON FIRE!"
Llord_Kuruku: Was mom up all night keeping bedbugs out of my bed? Love you mom!
Baconnaise: That's all they do when we're asleep and now we know what ungrateful wretches we were
Once you wake up Mom, she goes down the stairs. Father stays in bed and mumbles "Go ask your mother", when you address him
He does, however, tell you your name-- apparently you're Zoku.
"Shouldn't I be a big green soldier robot- oh Zoku, never mind!"
aroseahorseboy: yeah, you're a desktop popsicle maker, congrats.
"Okay I get all your breakfast then!" Bea holds down the "B" button and finds she can dash, neat! "GAH, NYOOM.. forgot I had my Nikes on, right?"
"And you can move in every direction, i don't feel like i'm on a grid like most of these"
As soon as Zoku hits the edge of the screen where the stairs lead from upstairs to downstairs, though, the screen goes black. There's a loud banging sound effect-- and a digitized woman's scream.
"DON'T-!!! What for!? Why??"
Glockroach: You tripped you clumsy idiot
berd_snurglar: oh man i was worried they'd be dead when we found them but i'm glad we could be there
"Nobody's dead- are they?? Damn you game, are you LOADING on me?!"
Finally, after that long black screen, the lower floor loads-- but different. The house is dark, it's night. The house has been even more torn apart than by five children; furniture smashed and scattered, windows broken, moonlight coming through.
Zoku is different too. Bea is now controlling an armored, gun-toting soldier in helmet and goggles, who is accompanied by two more. One of them gestures for him to follow, and he pauses and says, "I knew this looked familiar," before handing control back to Bea.
Baconnaise: So Earthbound grew up and it turned out all bad :(
berd_snurglar: i really wish i hadn't voted for the pig kid on retrospect
"I assume we'll figure out more as we get further in, but hang in there guys, this could still be fun! Look, one guy is a robot! Or maybe he just has a cool helmet. I'd say this is like Metal Max but nobody knows what that is"
she tries walking around the area- the ruins of a town. she hasn't encountered any enemies yet, but there's nothing to find either.. it really does feel lonely.
When Bea reaches the rendezvous point, the soldiers rejoin Zoku for another briefing.
["You all know a save point when you see one. They're the cornerstone of what's left of our civilization. I need to tell you now: BEWARE. Some of the ones you'll be seeing up ahead are booby traps."]
Baconnaise: Heehee, booby
"Maybe this is just the kids playing in the backyard and its all in their imagination.. Hey let's play dystopian crapscape in the backyard, that's always a blast"
Glockroach: They're all Fallout nerds
Llord_Kuruku: I like how save points aren't just something imaginary, they're a literal presence in the game
"He did say that.." The first one she sees makes her pause. Can she trust this old standby in this game? She goes for it.
[SAVE COMPLETE! YOU WILL RETURN FROM THIS SPACE.]
aroseahorseboy: bea that was a huge gamble you just took there
"All right, we're just gonna have to try to get as far as we can and save as little as possible, then. Looks like that's the name of the game!"
The journey through the town commences, with shattered buildings and rubble to navigate your way through-- and surprisingly frequent save points. What isn't frequent is enemies, or anything at all to fight; nothing appears on the screen but your fellow soldiers, and there don't seem to be random encounters.
"First I was excited.. then I was worried, then I was excited again and now I'm just booored" she finally groans. "It would have been nice to have game to go with this opening scene we just had, huh"
The only thing that seems to change is the number of save points-- at first we were seeing them every few screens, but now there's two and three per screen. Soon the screen starts to become a maze of save points to avoid!
Baconnaise: This IS the game bea, you're in save point hell
"Ugh, forge ahead, or quit this one, guys? I really think they just didn't finish this one because otherwise- No Bacon come on, nobody's that cruel.."
HNV: See if you can find one that's booby-trapped, I want to see what happens!
"Good idea, let's see what thats all about!" she steers her party right into the next column of save points she comes to!
[SAVE COMPLETE! YOU WILL RETURN FROM THIS SPACE.]
The whole row keeps saving her place... until the last one. This one causes Zoku to pixelate and disappear!
The black Continue/End screen appears
"Well that was.. underwhelming?" she reflects on the game a moment. "Heh, the last one. I guess so. Weird."
aroseahorseboy: Bea these are weird but i honestly can't get enough of them
Baconnaise: Me neither, keep doing them
Don't question it just keep going til you get to the men
"Well, we're finishing this page anyway, it's been a pretty crazy session! I mean I knew it would but, wow. It's been great doing it with you guys though, I'm so happy I dont have to make the journey alone!"
Klickitat_Street: At least there'd be plenty of save points for you if you did!
aroseahorseboy: we love you too now PLAY, ho ho ho
12. Keep Your Promises
The first thing you see is stars lighting up on the screen-- eleven in total. After a pause, a twelfth one appears, and lights up the rest of the scene-- it's a darkened house, looking like the same one from Last Of Them All. There's a large and detailed picture of that same red-haired woman, sitting at a table with a cup of coffee. The stars have become part of the night sky through the window.
"A prequel? Maybe I just haven't been playing these in the right order?"
The woman looks up, and one pixel changes her sad look into a soft smile. A message box pops up.
["Once I was small and the world was big. There was so much more to learn, so much left to discover."]
["Now the world is smaller than it's ever been. People are closer to each other than ever, yet we always grow more distant."]
aroseahorseboy: great, a video game that complains about millennials using social media
"Watch now she's gonna ask us to follow her on her twitter though I bet"
Glockroach: all right i'll do my vegetables and eat my homework after the stream i promise
["Everything we do, we do for our children. Life is predicated on a promise we make to them for the future."]
HNV: There is a game here, right? Is Redhead Mom just going to talk at us the whole time?
["I need you to make me a promise. Not now, but in the future. Someday soon, it will come. I hope you will remember."]
Glockroach: Come on Bea you're hesitating, you're making a promise to a bunch of pixels, just agree
aroseahorseboy: serious heart to heart talks are not my favorite game genre
"I am, just enjoying the atmosphere.. the suddenly somber atmosphere"
["Do you know what that promise will be?"]
Suddenly a password input screen appears, and strangely cheery music plays over the prompt: WHAT WILL YOU PROMISE?
"What will I promise.. what am I supposed to promise??"
"Guys, any thoughts... I'm a little afraid to open this up but, whatcha think?"
aroseahorseboy: say no
Syrupentine: Maybe type "help"?
On a whim she ends up typing "who are you"
The screen returns to the smiling red-haired woman, and pauses for a second. Her smile fades away and she looks toward the night sky again.
["The future will come someday. I hope you'll make the right promise, when the time comes..."]
The screen fades to black, except for the twelve stars, which wink out one by one.
"But..." she stammers, sitting quietly. "I don't know, did I do the right thing? Was there a right choice to make?"
Glockroach: Dangit Bea ya blew it, i dunno how but now you broke the stars
Llord_Kuruku: Maybe you get a password later?
HNV: Damn, we were joking but there really is an overarcing story here
"So we sort of promised to keep a promise? Okay. I kinda like this lady though, I hope she's like the narrator or something"
aroseahorseboy: redhead mom for game president
Syrupentine: Put her face on your next shirt, Bea! :D
HNV: Well now you HAVE to keep your first promise-- to do all the games!
"I guess, I mean, we can't let her down after that! So I guess it's stay tuned for more Joy Traveler! It seems like you guys are liking it anyway and I'm happy to be adding to the Joy Traveler fandom!"
Baconnaise: I think we're it
I'm gonna do some fan art
Syrupentine: Can we be in it? Do you have my beesona
Joy Traveler: Screen 2
(Sunday, July 12, 2015)
This one begins in the middle of another session: the fans demanded she return to Joy Traveler, after she skipped it entirely on her last stream. The second title screen shows a rosy morning and an animated baby, contentedly drinking a bottle in its high chair.
13. Space Paladin
14. Sausage Scramble??
16. Beware Kitchen!
17. Dungeon Cards
18. Ferrous Warriors II
19. Amazon Stan
20. Barnyard Scuffle
21. Blasting Machine
22. Double Hatcherings!
23. Bolty Neck
24. Box Baby
#14: Sausage Scramble??
Bea: "All right, you know what? It's noon, I'm hungry; I'm gonna play Sausage Scramble. Sounds like Burgertime or something!… Yeah, that last one is weird, isn't it? I didn't realize these games were going to have unlockables... Maybe it's a puzzle?" She reads some responses. "I wonder if it has to do with Keep Your Promises? Maybe that'll be the promise I have to keep when I fill them in..." She shrugs and hits start. "Anyway, sausage time!"
The title screen shows a cartoon sausage with legs running away from a salt shaker. Sure enough, that's what it is! You're a little sausage person on a plate, dodging falling salt grains. There are eggs and pieces of bacon too. And then there's the fork; there are clear visual instructions to avoid the Fork, as if it weren't obvious enough.
Bea almost drops her controller to clap, she's delighted! "I love him! I want plushes of him! Or at least an Amiibo." It gets worse, when he gets hit with pepper he sneezes in the most adorable way!
THUNK. The fork comes down just next to the character, stabbing an egg. It lets out a tiny scream and the look on its face is kind of upsetting. Suddenly the game isn't quite as cute.
"Awww! Why would they put that in?? Poor egg!"
It seems she can only keep avoiding and dodging, as the poor other breakfasties get skewered, one by one.. Until she moves a little far to the right and the screen starts to scroll. Huh, this looked like a one-screen game!
"Oh! Huh, maybe that was my cue to move on!" She puts on her intense concentration face, biting her bottom lip. "I just assumed it was like Burgertime, but it's some kind of... Food adventure!"
Now she has to run over the table! The fork keeps chasing after her though. It just seems too *long*, for one thing. it's not that weird, but the tines increasingly start to resemble grabby little fingers as the stage goes on!
Bea pauses and makes a twisty face at the camera. "This game kind of faked me out! I thought, oh boy, there's more to it! But there's kind of... not."
She unpauses and keeps going. "At least the graphics are changing!"
Pushing on a little more pays off, she can see the edge of the table! It's a few condiment bottles to hop over though, can she make it in time?
Baconnaise: fuck when did this get intense, it was a stupid food game like two minutes ago
"Okay okay I can do this, wish me luck everyone I'm not starting over if I get game over here...!" Bea inhales sharply through her teeth and burns a hole through the screen with her eyes, gonna make it!
She barely makes it, just by a pixel! Over the edge of the table goes the sausage fella, to... A gigantic maw full of sharp teeth, rising up out of nowhere!
It's the cutest game over screen, though. That dog sitting under the table sure looks happy!
Bea nearly falls out of her chair... And then she's laughing and applauding. "Whoa, okay, you got me! I honestly was not expecting that...!"
20. Barnyard Scuffle
"This is nothing. I just don't feel like it has anythingOH! Ohh look at the little square cows, I love them!" Bea's already into Barnyard Scuffle, stacking cows and pigs and chickens, all of which are cube shaped
DueyDecimal: It’s U. S. Acres! Or... U. S. Cubic Centimeters.
HNV: Friends are there, to stack very neatly...
"What was that one game, Cubivore? Did that ever even come out? I think it was a gamecube thing but I could have imagined it. Anyway this is more social" She can stack three chickens, two pigs, and one cow or hose on a single row. Like a reverse game of Jenga, she has to built up her tower bit by bit, but carefully so it doesn't fall over.
Syrupentine: It's really cute but how do you score? Is this a little game for little ones where there's no winning or losing?
Bee52: What happens if you put a heavy one on a light one
"Let's find- oh.." Placing a cow on a single chicken creates an explosion of feathers as the cow drops down a place. "I'M SORRY! Crap the cuccos will be here for me any minute.."
When you get your stack tall enough, you upgrade the size of your barn! Which adds goats first, then ostriches, then alligators-- which will sometimes eat the smaller animals stacked on top! "Well, they're all things they have farms for, just usually not all on one farm!"
aroseahorseboy: ostriches! hope you don't get cassowary attaaaacked
Syrupentine: Those foxes who were after your chickens before are in for a BIG surprise
The game seems to keep going until her animal stack grows tall enough to knock over the barn the next time it falls! "Well. I think we learned a lot today, I'm gonna go harvest a moon now."
Klickitat_Street: ...Oh, geez, THAT'S what the silkworms were for! To hold up your stacks with! XD
Baconnaise: you have to knit a sweater big enough to contain your whole flock
Llord_Kuruku: i am really disappointed because I wanted Bea to become a beekeeper for the first time
13. Space Paladin
Space Paladin begins with fast paced rock and a montage of the hero suiting up, with their gold and white power armor they're quite imposing as they jet off towards what will be the first stage!
A side-scrolling shooter similar to Gradius, though made a bit easier by your ability to deflect shots with your sword and knock them into enemies.
HNV: Ooh, superheroes in space, an underused video game archetype!
DueyDecimal: I believe this is more like a KNIGHT in space!
Syrupentine: I hope it's not the kind that can only move in an L shape
You can even knock enemies into each other for extra damage! Because of this, you have to time your attacks right and being aggressive usually yields you only a swift demise.
aroseahorseboy: ping pong those meteor monsters!
aroseahorseboy: whoa they knock each other back at you too, that's not fair
"Space Knight is really kind of Space Pong but you know what, I get to put on a fancy robot suit and go out in the universe, and that's what I- WHOAH!! Slow up there, Dragonfart!" The first boss rushes past from the back of the screen, a mechanical dragon that flaps up and down quickly, spitting homing fireballs. "Oh he's cool looking! I hate him also, he's hard, ow!"
Klickitat_Street: Hey, she’s just trying to defend her family! Look at all the eggs you destroyed on the way!
Syrupentine: I wouldn’t want to lay meteors. :(
HNV: That would probably give you hemorrhoids...
Klickitat_Street: Or assteroids. :P
Baconnaise: Bea is it okay if you have two less fans soon
She also discovers she can charge up her slash attack. This lets her create a shockwave when she swing, and lets her knock back projectiles twice as fast! "He's like, 'You know as a knight I was really worried I wouldn't find a dragon in space and I'd just have to settle for slaying a space manticore or something.' "
"And the dragon's like 'Ahh no lousy stinkin' knights up here in the black reaches of- D'OH!!' "
Her final blow chops its head clean off.. and then the head flies away, apparently cackling! "Hey, I'm going to put you on the hood of my car next time I see you!"
aroseahorseboy: you thought you could hoard all the space damsels and astro-gold you wanted?
aroseahorseboy: THINK SPACE-AGAIN
DueyDecimal: I love when ‘space’ is used as a prefix in the future!
HNV: That’s mostly the fault of dictation soft where failures comma Dewey.
Glockroach: So is he dead or is he gonna show up later attached to a battleship or a dump truck or something
"I mean, he's bound to show up later, I kind of like when games get a rivalry going between- oh.." The next stage has begun without warning. This time you're flying through a long tunnel lined with statues that appear to be other Space Paladins? The music is much more soft and somber, and Bea finds herself being attacked by ghostly warriors.
"Whoah, the Hall of Ancestors? And none of them are happy to see me, it seems! 'I remember youuu.. I gave you twenty bucks and you never gave it back and then I DIED!' And my guy's just like 'but you're dead now you'll never need it' and they're like 'nope, nope, don't care, we're haunting you, we called up all them dead relatives and we're gonna use 'em' "
berd_snurglar: hey, harsh but fair
DueyDecimal: The makers of this game were definitely going with the super overblown portrayal of paladins, huh!
With the deep religious themes and asking for spiritual guidance and stuff
Meanwhile in every game I run, the Paladin ends up being “The Terminator, except he can turn water into wine“
The vengeful ghosts really test Bea’s ability to reflect shots, and she finds herself using her special spin move more to clear the screen of projectiles than to attack!
A giant knight statue kneels at the end of the stage. There's a bit of dialogue here! Unfortunately none of the text is legible, it's like an alien language. "Huh. Anyone got the secret decoder ring or possibly Google Translate"
Glockroach: It says ''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Syrupentine: Oh, it’s Woodstock!
berd_snurglar: dude got big and joined the space guild I guess
wait is the statue also talking or is it knightdude just introspecting
Bea is then presented with a choice- two options, but both in the same abstract "language".
"Uuuuhhhhhhh... Guess we'll do a vote? How many for nonsense A vs. nonsense B?"
DueyDecimal: OK, hang on, maybe it’s a cryptogram? Can we figure out which of these characters is the ‘E’ and work it out from there?
aroseahorseboy: that would be the one that looks like ‘
Baconnaise: you are already nonsense, Bea
HNV: What was the name of this show again?
Syrupentine: i just call it Bea Time
Oh jeez duh. PRESS BEA!
"First option is usually 'Yes' with these things, but what am I agreeing to here?" She flips back and forth, moaning and groaning before she makes her choice.
Instantly, the statue's eyes light up and it rises to its feet, pulling a giant sword down from offscreen. "Y'okay, I clearly just agreed to take a look at your cool sword! Done, let's go! Bye!"
HNV: I’m going to assume that he offered to rule the universe with you as father and son and you just said no?
snerd_buglar: 'look around lad, all this could be yours'
'what the statues?' 'no not the statues lad!'
This battle feels more dire because there’s no projectiles to reflect, just clashing swords as Bea flies through the endless tunnel of moaning ghosts! Bea still has her own shots, but can’t seem to land a hit on the giant statue with them, it’s even better at blocking than she is!
"I really don't know what to do, nothing seems to get through!" After several minutes of clashing blades, Bea's getting ready to give up, until she realizes she's no longer in control. The warriors have lowered their weapons. Then, they clasp each others hands, and shake.
The screen slowly fades to black, but as it does, some sort of energy appears to flow between the giant knight and their smaller successor..
"See I knew I was worthy of the...thing, you guys all worried for nothing!"
DueyDecimal: Why is everyone saying “Oh?”
HNV: The only thing I was worried for nothing about was that Screen 2 wouldn’t match how crazy Screen 1 was...
Screen 3 opens with a legion of ships flying by in the background, over an Eath-like planet. A single while pixel can be seen darting between them- and several are split clean in half! The pixel then flies directly into the camera, and we see it's our knight again! The stage truly begins as they fly low over what looks to be the mothership, touching down to run along its surface.
"Oh dang, a run-em-up now? Okay! Gravity shmavity, it looks cool as hell"
berd_snurglar: this is kind of like someone make an NES lords of thunder and i'm diggin it
Llord_Kuruku: I’m starting to to dig this game for real, it’s got a really epic sense of scale
"Yeah me too, Kuru. Wish I knew just what was going on but that's kind of part of the fun I guess!"
HNV: That’s part of the appeal of all of these games, isn’t it? There’s something under the surface, even with the bad and unplayable ones!
Bea can't fly here but she can jump, and she has to to clear some of the turrets and missiles that fly by. "Just, just chop it up already, what's the hold up?"
She doesn't need to fight much until the miniboss appears, a robotic manticore with an unpleasantly human face-plate and literal stinger missiles!
Bee52: this is the Monster Manual in space!!
berd_snurglar: dewey did you make this one
DueyDecimal: Did I?? We’ll see if you have to fight a mechanical hook horror next!
HNV: A Robotyugh
aroseahorseboy: CPU flayer
This stage is basically a gauntlet of minibosses. After the manticore comes a somewhat underwhelming robo griffin, but its more than made up for by the robo beholder!
Glockroach: B-H0LD R
DueyDecimal: This isn’t just a game I’d make, this is what I see when we I close my eyes
Approaching the bridge at last, there is no crew visible beyond the windows. Only a glass dome containing the head of the dragon from stage 1. It seems to cackle before turning as much firepower on Bea as possible!
Syrupentine: He’s back!! I love this dragon
HNV: Do we get to name him or is that only for heroes
Glockroach: Called it btw
Llord_Kuruku: Congratulations! You won Space Paladin.
This last boss battle puts Bea’s reflection skills to the test. Some projectiles must be batted back, while new ring-shaped ones must be caught on an outstretched sword and then matched with an opposing color before launching them back to crack the dragon’s dome!
And that's only the first phase- as the battleship itself is finally destroyed, the bridge detaches to become a huge chimera, the dragon head topping off its tail!
"Aaaaahhh.... I did- NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING?"
aroseahorseboy: frippin dang dude!
DueyDecimal: This game is grueling but at least it keeps rewarding you with new stuff!
Bee52: yeah but come on! that was like kids making up rules in a pretend game!
Bee52: POW I got you! Yeah, but, um, my head flies away and gets a new body and also it’s got more heads this time!
"Nu-uh, I got invisibility which not only makes me invisible but if you hit me your arm just goes through anyway! And also the floor is lava and I have the lava boots but you don't"
Syrupentine: MOOOOM, BEA'S CHEATING
She can only get a few hits in, but that's all that's needed with her newly empowered sword! "Ahaaaa, eat a big pile of fu- WHAT???"
The last phase seems to be just the dragon head flying about, and she's too distracted by the chat to dodge in time!
She glares at the screen, slowly turning to the chat window. "YOU!!!!"
"No big deal, we can always just.. just.. Game over?! What???"
Bea squints at the screen. "They give you ONE life to do all that??"
TaichouSenseiKun: one life to live
Klickitat_Street: Well now I'm just amazed at Bea's gaming prowness. All that on one life!
TaichouSenseiKun: Prowness: having qualities resembling the prow of a ship
Klickitat_Street: ...I was so ready to come back at you with the dictionary, but no, it is prowess.
Everyone's been laughing at me behind my back when I say 'prowness', haven't they. -_-;
aroseahorseboy: no you're just in smart company, in real life people probably don't know the word
Bea: "Well in spite of how awesome I am, I dunno if I can do that all again, not right now. We'll come back to this one, I have a score to settle!"
aroseahorseboy: any robot dragon that thinks it can mess with Bea has got another think coming
probably at least two more thinks since it seems to have several heads
#16: Beware Kitchen
The stream pauses for a few minutes while Bea returns from the restroom. It's a moment before the chat comes back online.
"Okay, where were we? Let's come back to the shooter later. I'm curious about Beware Kitchen-- maybe it's Sausage Scramble from the chef's point of view!"
Well, there's a chef- it's the same woman from Keep Your Promises, in fact. Looks like you're supposed to cook breakfast.
A balloon over her head shows bacon and eggs, that seems to be the first. You have a bunch of tools and ingredients to select on the counter; bacon, eggs, flour, oil, fry pan, spatula, fly swatter(?), spray can (looks like a dead bug on the can label). You can carry up to two items at a time.
"Hey, is that Redhead Mom?" Bea tunes in visibly. "And this is... something like Cooking Mama? In NES style? I can dig that. Looks like we gotta keep the flies down while we cook, too!"
She starts the game, picking up the eggs and the oil. Sure enough, here they come! Not flies, though- little things crawling across the counter, ants maybe. When you pick up the swatter, you enter a mini-game where you have hit them with timed slaps! They look a lot like the bed bugs, from one of those games on the first page. Or at least an artist's representation of a bedbug, mean looking little critters with too many legs
DueyDecimal: Oh, it's... kind of Cooking Mama Warioware!
Or is that just what Cooking Mama always was? Huh.
She smacks the little beetles-or-whatever expertly and returns to get the frying pan and spatula.
"I wonder what the flour's for..."
Very good, got them all! No back to the normal kitchen screen and- oh no, who's this? A little girl has wandered into the kitchen and she's messing with the knobs on the stove!
"Whoa, whoa! Is this one of the kids from the kissing game?" She steers the mom over to gently guide her away from the stove, then runs back to keep the bugs out of the bacon! "Geez, being a mom is harder than my mom let on!"
Mind the stove. Crack the eggs. Wash your hands? More bugs?? Now it's time to bake some cookies, but they're trying to get in the batter?! more on the counter too. As the game keeps going, its getting harder to juggle all these tasks- and there are many ways to get a game over!
"When's this little girl going to grow up and start helping me in the kitchen! And who am I making all this food for?? I'm pretty hippy but I don't look like I eat that much..."
Let a bug get into the food, and it's game over. Let the kid play with the stove too long and a fire starts, game over! Ignore the food too long for the same result, game over! There's just too many things to keep track of, it seems like something has to go wrong eventually.
"There's-- there's no way to win this one. This must have been made by a frustrated mom with no end in sight..."
She looks up at the camera. "I've never played such a bitter game!"
17: Dungeon Cards
The title screen shows a warrior standing before the dungeon gates. The shadows of monsters lurk around the edges. "Ooohoo, this is gonna be good, get your dungeon crawlin' shorts on!"
HNV: Happy birthday, dungeon!
berd_snurglar: I basically never take my dungeon shorts off so i'm always ready
The game screen shows a map- your party's icons at one end, a treasure icon at the other. Each room of the dungeon is represented by a blank rectangle.
That's where your "dungeon cards" come in, a deck of monsters, traps and items- you place one at a time, creating your own dungeon setup! "Oh, it's Super Eye Of The Beholder Maker!"
DueyDecimal: Oh, you’re the dungeon master and you’re trying to stop the CPU from getting the treasure?? Maybe?
That seems to be the case, as after Bea places a card, the party moves one space. "I feel like this really wanted to be an online thing a couple decades too early!"
TaichouSenseiKun: This seems sort of ideal for mobile
Syrupentine: It also looks super butt-hard, look at our cards compared to the party’s stats!!
Syrupentine: is there a way to buy better monsters?
Once battle begins, Bea has a separate deck of cards she can play once per round to help either her monsters, goblins in this case. "Yeah, it's not as much fun when I'm the one getting dungeoned!"
The only way to win is to play strategically- placing things like poison to weaken the group before the next monster room, but there's no guarantee they fall for every trap you set! "Well like any of these, it's usually not one encounter but multiple ones that wear you down!"
HNV: Do you get any bonuses for playing “sleights”? Like, 1-2-3 goblins rather than 4 poison, 2 goblins, etc
"Looks that way! I think I just upgraded my next Goblin to Troll!"
aroseahorseboy: but do you have
a BOSS CARD
"Let's see... Lv. 5 Bone Behemoth? Nah, how about.." You can sacrifice a trap card or two to give your monster a relevant boost! "Lv. 7 Flaming Acid Bone Behemoth!"
Baconnaise: How many different cards in this?
"I don't know, I don't see a bestiary but I haven't seen a lot of repeats either"
HNV: This game is DEEP! Bea, you should come back to this one for a dedicated stream some night
18: Ferrous Warrior II
The title screen displays a large slab of iron, which is punched by unseen forces until is spell out the title. Three metallic humanoids stand in the background, looking ready to fight. The appropriately rock soundtrack is getting Bea worked up. "Yes yes yes, we'll remix this for the Eurodance scene and reap millions!"
DueyDecimal: I’m recording this to do a nightcore remix as we speak!
HNV: Badass music and a mineral theme? This is the best part of Chuck Rock already
"Ooh, Tungsten, I'm gonna be him.. them? They're kind of ambiguous, I like that" Bea's burly rock fighter trudges through tunnels, fighting mole men and drill robots in a side scrolling beat-em-up.
HNV: TUNGSTEN CARBIDE DRILLS???
(very obscure but when else am I going to get to use that)
aroseahorseboy: so if you’re made of metal yourself, do you collect gold pieces or is that like chopped up flesh
"It heals me! So I guess I can patch myself up and gold is delicious. And now I've forged my arm into a hammer, I am enjoy this!" she says as she smashes gleefully through the robo-worm boss. "Destroy giant metal penis!"
Llord_Kuruku: hey, save some for me, i got a score to settle with that penis
Klickitat_Street: This conversation is making me tense...
Baconnaise: Not what I quite meant when I wanted a game w/ men, but..
Stage 2 starts with a crystalline cavern full of breakable stalagmites that can be used as melee weapons, and a new enemy: cave glowworms that batter Tungsten from the ceiling like angry punching bags!
"Glowfriends, glowfriends, OW fuck you!" Tungsten has the least jumping ability, making these hard to take out. However, she can make him pound the ground to shake them down!
Syrupentine: don't hurt the little squirmy glowers, they just want to turn into glowflies in peace!
Another wave of the hanging glowworms drops on their silken threads... and then the wall behind Tungsten bursts open. Some kind of giant, flightless bat with blind milky eyes chomps down all the glowers and then turns its attention on Bea's hero!
"Thanks game, I liked bat once." The boss has a lot of health but she can shake down stalactites to do some extra damage!
The battle ends satisfyingly however, with Tungsten body slamming the monster through the floor! "That's also how I prefer to leave a room"
ButterflyDefect: Makin a grand exit
aroseahorseboy: BAT to the drawing board
HNV: we would also have accepted DRAC to the drawing board
Stage 3 is in a limestone tunnel, and the enemies here are less original but significantly more disturbing: boulders. Just big boulders, taller than Tungsten, with short cartoon arms and legs but no features, crowding blindly around him.
"Hey, Hercules Against the Moon Men! Actually, I hate them. I think I've had nightmares like this"
TaichouSenseiKun: Hercules against the Moomin
DueyDecimal: Wanna get STONED?
...wait, crap, that was an actual riff from the MST episode.
The can just quietly emerge from the walls as well, adding to Bea's disdain for them. The boss is a somewhat less alarming (but only somewhat) giant moai head with distressingly humanlike eyes and a tongue. "And speaking of weird old movies here's where we beat up Zardoz"
HNV: Any idea of a story yet, Bea? All I'm getting is "underground things from underground"
"I think that's all there is to it HNV." The next stage appears to be a mushroom forest with an assortment of fungus based enemies, but Bea decides to move on for now. "I want to test out the other characters, but let's skip to the next one, I can't play games all day though I do my best."
Syrupentine: now it's time for a game where you fiercely defend your favorite online shopping venue!
DueyDecimal: Stan in the place where you shop (now face North)
19: Amazon Stan
Stan himself, a tall lanky fellow, trots across the title screen, stopping to rest against the N in his own name! Not for long though, as he's soon chased off again by a swarm of bugs!
"The story... of a man.. who goes all the way to the jungle and forgot the bug spray"
TaichouSenseiKun: The bugs just grab the can away from you and spray you with it
DueyDecimal: Donkey Kong 3 Country! With less barrel rolling and more insecticide spraying!
Each stage is only a few screens long, and involves getting a key to open the next door. Some are easy enough- the first key is just sitting in plain sight!- but others get rather obtuse. "So I stand on this slightly off-color patch of ground for long enough and it just.. gives me a key, okay"
pigbarrel: a true explorers waits for the exploration to come to them! I guess!
HNV: This is like 1001 Spikes except it's just A Spike
HNV: or La Mulana except it's La Disney's Mulan-a
One screen in particular turns out to be bizarrely frustrating, with the key wedged inside a wall and almost completely unreachable-- until, hitting buttons completely at random, Bea discovers she can actually pick up the exit door and throw it at the key, making an open door in the wall!
"NOW HOW WOULD I EVER?!" she says. "This is clever but in a way that makes me mad.."
The next stage is very similar, with Amazon Stan standing between the exit door and a sprawling obstacle course... that doesn’t seem to contain a key at all, merely leading her back to the door, which turns out not to even be locked!
"This is actually a temple to Acme, the ancient god of pranks"
Syrupentine: the map was written in disappearing, REAPPEARING ink!! :D
And the next stage is just a series of trap doors- better pick the right one to drop through! Or you can just climb straight up the vines and find the key on a tree top above. "FFffgfgfgggfgfgfgf"
Glockroach: You know what the jungle kind of sucks anyway
Klickitat_Street: I’m amused by how many ways this game deconstructs gaming tropes... but they forgot to have a game in between!
"Methinks they were a little too concerned with being cheeky" The next key has to be snatched from the jaws of a large fly trap! "I just.. can I, can I not? Stan, wouldn't you be happier in accounting?"
There are multiple flies buzzing around in this level, suggesting that they must be lured over to get the plant to spit out the key in favor of a juicy fly!
After several frustrating minutes, however, Bea discovers that flytraps don’t eat Stans at all— unlike the Stantraps she’s been trying to herd the flies over this whole time.
pigbarrel: actually I have my Junior Explorer's Guidebook in front of me and this all checks out
aroseahorseboy: Maybe next time we should hire Google Stan, or Microsoft Stan
"More like Amazon SPAM.. right? Okay.."
23: Bolty Neck
HNV: Is it worth risking your neck?? Find out when you play BOLTY NECK!
berd_snerglar: (game box with spooky castle background and lightning bolt)
DueyDecimal: (kid who was playing the game earlier is made up like a Frankenstein's Monster now)
The scientist has just finished his monster when the lights go out in the lab. When they go on again, their heads have been swapped! The scientist seems to prefer his new body however, and swiftly gives the rest of him- and the monster's head- down the trash chute! And with a goofy close up show of the monster's face, we get our title, BOLTY NECK!
"Well hey doc! I.. oh..! Uh... Wait, why?? Jeez what a dick, let's go kick his ass! Or.. our ass. Kick his face, with his own feet! The ultimate insult"
Syrupentine: he uses his neck bolts like little Goomba feet… my heart
"I know!! This is good, I don't think he needs to be anything else really but that was a pretty rockin' bod, to be fair"
She's started with the scientist's old body, but has since discovered she can attach the head to different things! The bolts in the monster's neck spin to fasten it on whenever you switch! "Oh THAT'S what they're for, of course!!"
DueyDecimal: ...It was so simple, we never knew...
Bonslydale: i thought they were to channel electricity. for when you bring it to life. shows what i know i guess
berd_snurglar: aw he is just screwin everything, this guy!!
SugaGlyda: this game is pure and wholesome and we will not have your lewdness in this house! except if I do it then it's okay
One thing the monster's head can plug into is what looks like a light socket, which charges him up with electricity briefly-- it's not readily apparent what this is for, until Bea happens to bump into an antique suit of armor, shocking its helmet off and leaving the body open to commandeer! And then it's a rampage down the hallway to the end of stage one, lopping off the heads of sharkdogs with your new broadsword! Don't worry, those weren't their proper heads anyway!
"Lotta cheerfully morbid games up in here ain't there"
Baconnaise: That's my genre
HNV: Lots of head-chopping too, Baum would have loved this game
aroseahorseboy: yeah but can you wear the dog bodies?
No time to find out this round, it's time for the boss! Standing atop the castle drawbridge (Bea: "How? Wasn't I just going up?"), the Headra rises from the depths! It has multiple heads, mostly of random animals. Some have been seen before, but the dragon head is pretty hard to miss.
"Hey, where'd ya get that one, King GEEKdora?"
HNV: That's King Fedora, m'lady
"Oh is he now?" THWACK, that head's the next to go! In fact, that's the only way to beat the thing, knocking off the unfriendly heads while avoiding the good ones!
SugahGlyda: Don't hit the tapir head, they're precious! D:
"Yeah Klick, see that's how you can tell a Koala from a Dropbear! Actually Koalas can get pretty mean, I'ma cut that one off" It's on to the next stage, once all the heads have been replaced with more docile creatures and the body seems content to go graze!
aroseahorseboy: you are a good and pure head!
DueyDecimal: No one made a "gimme some head" joke so this is a good day after all
DueyDecimal: ...no, I didn't do that on purpose, sigh
berd_snurglar: don't worry this game is gonna be all heads
STAGE 2: EYEBALL CAVERNS
berd_snurglar: oh shit
"Whoahhh, changin' it up here. I think we may be visiting the different parts of the head. Or maybe it's the five senses?"
Syrupentine: what was the first one? The creepy basement of the head?
There aren't as many enemies here she can head-hop either, since most have no shoulders! She dodges skittering eye creatures for a while before finding an eyeclops to ride.
SugahGlyda: Maybe it was the brain? It was full of lots of random ideas!
"Does that mean there's going to be a nose level? Yay, gross! Or are we riding down one or both ear canals first" She finds another creature to swap "heads" with, replacing the top member of a towering stack of eyeballs.
HNV: What's the control like? It looks a little floaty, which is weird since you can't jump very high.
"There's actually decent physics, like I gotta keep this thing balanced now. Back back back, forward, more, more.. too much! more.. also when you're just the head you build up momentum with your little wheelbolts.. hard to describe exactly, but it definitely captures the feeling of being a rolling disembodied cranium."
Baconnaise: You seem to know a little too much about this
aroseahorseboy: of course she does, she-- oh wait, that's her OTHER web show you guys don't know about
"Yeah guys I'm a penanggalan I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Watch me feed on the blood of the living, it's fun!"
STAGE 3: PUMPKINSBURG
SugahGlyda: Ah yes, my favorite part of the head. the pumpkin.
Basically a Halloween Town ripoff, you can swap heads as normal here, but not always easily! The jack-o-lantern heads of the residents either explode when detached, or chase after you snapping!
DueyDecimal: So the theme is heads, or things that are part of heads? Or maybe it's just a general "things that are spooky" theme
"I think it's just a good old fashioned spookyfest at this point but I'm starting to think they couldn't settle on a theme"
Syrupentine: I think the original title of this game was BOO: Haunted Heads
aroseahorseboy: now taking bets on it being like Burgertime but with breakfast biscuits
Syrupentine: Seriously, three games with a breakfast theme on one page? And the page has a breakfast theme too??
DueyDecimal: Well, each one is only PART of a complete breakfast.
This one turns out to be a stealth action game, as you play as an egg attempting to escape from a breakfast themed prison! Avoid the silverware guards and traps, and escape before you go in the fryer!
Klickitat_Street: Breakfast. Prison.
I couldn’t come up with something this weird for Ludum Dare on 36 hours without sleep and a pound of Mike & Ike’s.
Syrupentine: This is where you and I belong, Bacon
Baconnaise: They all said I would fry for what I did
burd_snerglar: what do you even go to breakfast jail for
Syrupentine: the most important crime of the day!
"The Shaw Shank Redumpty. Well ya better get busy livin' or get busy fryin'.. I actually don't know what to do here, this seems hard.." Says Bea. One mechanic involves hatching into different things- a bird, a snake, or a bunny(??) are all options! Leaving your shell behind temporarily to solve puzzles.
There’s not much fighting to be done in this game, it’s more about solving puzzles! Bea finds that the rabbit form is good for dashing past the guards and making messes for them to clean up, and that the snake can slither in and out of jail cells to let guards pass unwittingly by. The stage ends when you escape a wing of the prison, but you don’t get a “perfect” unless you let all the other eggs, sausages, and waffles go free too!
"I think I must be the good guy here, right? What could a waffle do to deserve jail time, did their squares come out uneven? I mean everything else I can totally see committing a crime"
burd_snerglar: a sausage shot my parents in an alley way. thats why i fight crime now
DueyDecimal: Yes, father. I shall become a burd.
Wing 2 is a whole lot larger, and introduces new prisoners, including very delicate bowls of cereal who can’t run too fast or they’ll spill, and can’t fall too far or they’ll break! Babysitting them is very difficult without the bird form to fly them across gaps.
"I got it, these are prisoners of the great Brunch War and we're here to free them and lead the resistance!"
HNV: The Brunch Revolution! Sharpen your cheese knife for the beheading of Marie Omelette
This game increases in difficulty sharply almost with every passing minute, Bea’s skills and patience being tested as she’s forced to invent new techniques and learn things on the fly! Great gameplay, but tends to make for a sort of quiet Let’s Play, apart from occasional grunts and sputters.
Baconnaise: Gotta get the old gang back together once more before lunchtime
HNV: The band, Underwood, the BAND!
21. Blasting Machine
The title comes up from the bottom of the screen in huge letters, and explodes to bits as soon as Start is pressed.
"Oops I'll clean that up, s'fine"
aroseahorseboy: good going! think you can cause any more damage in ten seconds?!
"I just tapped it! Some shoddy construction on this thing, I'll tell you what"
Bee52: You gon tap dat logo or what
The game is a top-down exploration game, like the original Zelda but with a pickaxe instead of a sword. The first screen is dominated by a huge machine, some sort of giant smelter? It looks like you can put things into it via a conveyor belt, but Bea doesn't have any items yet.
"WITH MY FACTORY. I CAN MAKE ERASERS. THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT NEED TO BE ERASED."
berd_snurglar: bea don't do that voice again ever ok thx
DueyDecimal: Little Queen Bea is a horrifying thought
No offense to Bea!
Bea searches around, smashing rocks with the pickaxe for hunks of ore, and often just picking up junk on the side. Lots of old appliances, enough that she has no room in her inventory for the busted TV set when she finds it!
"Ohohohoh, I'm coming back for you baby! I think I know where this is going and the kid in me is real excited to blow things up!"
HNV: Pickaxe? Collecting and scavenging? Did someone invent Minecraft back in the 80s and now Notch owes them his fortune?
Llord_Kuruku: if yes: good
if no: we need a yes because that would be good
Even with the inventory full, Bea can still inspect things, and there's plenty of appliances left. Surprisingly, all of them have their name brands intact: Instant Pot, Sunbeam toaster oven, Whirlpool washer/dryer.
Syrupentine: This game reminds me of the Sears Wish Book for some reason
When she returns to the machine, sure enough, it's time to start blasting! You get a close up of each object as it's sent down to the blasting chamber to be hit with a beam of heat! The ray intensifies and the player is treated to a spectacular exploding (or melting) of pixels!
"WOOOOO, BLASTING MACHIIIINE!" Bea kicks up her legs, then scrambles as she almost knocks down her setup
"Is this all you do? I'd be pretty content about that actually"
DueyDecimal: It's very elaborage for a game where you just blow up old stuff!
aroseahorseboy: what about those ore chunks you collected, can you blast those, or trade them for something?
"Looks like there might be some recipes? Not recipes, blueprints. Nothing I can do yet, but- oh." Blasting some objects yields bits of metal she can collect again. "all right, and it looks like I can upgrade the machine too! I dunno what bigger things I need to be blasting?"
TaichouSenseiKun: Blast your neighbor's car into several bicycles. It will be impossible to ride them all!
Bea's on her way back to get the TV set when something slithers across the screen quickly. "Whoo, okay, anyone see that? I am now worrying"
Syrupentine: We got so used to it being a sandbox game we forgot that there might be a plot!!
"Maybe if we don't move the plot won't be able to get us.." She warily walks to some bushes where the thing went and hid..
aroseahorseboy: please be a cute harmless friend please please please
[acquired GARTER SNAKE]
"Our first party member!"
Klickitat_Street: Oh, it’s an item.
IT’S AN ITEM??
"Why is it an...........................Oh, you're not serious."
HNV: Deeply Disturbed Child Simulator 2015
Indeed, you can catch frogs down near the river, a bird if you're fast enough when it lands. A cat wanders about on one of the further screens but Bea just goes for the TV set.
"This is really, really kind of not okay with me?" She giggles painfully as she makes her way back to the machine. "Can I just keep them in my inventory and we can ignore the implications.."
aroseahorseboy: this is a long shot but maybe you’re supposed to fuse them with the ore chunks to make cyborgs or something
"all right, let's.. let's try this one.." Bea groans. "Snake plus Three iron ingots.. I really hope this isn't gonna be that bad"
aroseahorseboy is just barely peeking through his fins to watch
TaichouSenseiKun forces aro's fins apart
aroseahorseboy has sunglasses on underneath
TaichouSenseiKun pulls them off
aroseahorseboy: Ah. I see my plan has hit a snag
HNV: I couldn’t even play Pikmin, what is with these games where you’re forced to harm little animals?
There's a tense, disturbing moment as the snake begins to rush around the blast chamber.. but the blast is just a big bright flash.
[Made SNAKE CHAIN lv.1!]
The new weapon is a scaly looking length of chain with a fanged tip. It can be used as both a whip and a grappling hook! "Whoah.. Oh this is kind of neat is it wrong I feel that way? Is this how it feels to be Dr. Robotnik?"
Glockroach: yeah cool but its still dead. I think?
Syrupentine: It hisses when you swing it? I’m hoping that means it’s still alive...
Baconnaise: Bea you did this you take good care of that snake chain
try a bird next, everyone hates birds
SugaGlydah: ;n; I like birbs but i get they're not for everybody
Glockroach: Thank god, Sugar is here. Now run.
SugaGlydah: why what- OH
aroseahorseboy: that’s what my older relatives all want to do with my bird
“that’s no pet that’s DINNER, guffaw haw haw”
having them threaten to turn it into a gun or something would be better!
"Like this?" BLAST!
[Made CROW BAR lv. 1!]
"Oh, it's a tool, I guess. And a bad pun. Well, who could resist?"
DueyDecimal: I bet if you put them together it becomes a NUNCHUCKATRICE!
HNV: So are you making weapons just to stockpile, or is there something you can do with them?
Two frogs can make a pair of boots, though, that let you hop over small gaps. And the TV, broken down, can be remade into a set of body armor! "I guess that's a good question, we should go back to see what we can do now!"
All around the machine are barriers that Bea can now overcome with her new tools: the Crow Bar lets her open up a boarded-up door in a decrepit house, and there’s a crevice west of this screen that can be jumped with the frog boots.
When the door is opened, monsters start to stream out— gray zombies with broken TVs for heads!
SugaGlydah also screms because good lord
Baconnaise: That was some real terror right there Bea
HNV: Watch! Yourself! Don’t fall off of the shelf!
"I'm, I'm-" She runs away as quickly as she can to the point she can hit them with the snake chain.
It’s not a strong weapon at all; one of them goes down after five hits, but there’s still six crowding around her!
DueyDecimal: What kind of animal can she turn into a shotgun??
Glockroach: Just smash two normal guns together, boom, shotgun
"Actually my pickaxe is better agains them than anything, oddly. However I am going to be dead soon I should probably flee"
HNV: Catch a bird, birdshotgun
One of the zombies gets a little running start and dashes at Bea's character, tackling him to the ground!
Baconnaise: Well crap
Maybe they just want a hug
Bee52: Dogpile on Bea!
That's Dog + Atomic pile + Bee
Three more zombies launch themselves into the pile, and Bea's character is now being carried by the four of them-- not back into the house, but toward the spawning area, where the machine is located.
"HEYYY everyone! No hard feelings, right?? I mean how could I have known I was blastin' one of your heads before, ya know, we all make mistakes and if we fry we can never correct 'em!"
Baconnaise: I think maybe you were supposed to put the TV on your head to disguise yourself? Just a thought
aroseahorseboy: wow this is Sierra Game brutal
Back at the Blasting Machine (as one would assume it's called), the zombies hold Bea's character in the air as one of them rummages through the junk heaps and finds yet another TV; then they load the player character and the TV onto the conveyor belt.
DueyDecimal: ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
"Y'ever been really impressed by something and also hated it? HAAAAALP!!!" She's been jamming on buttons all this time, but it seems to just be a cutscene. "We can reset now right? All I did was make some hapless animals into implements of destruction, is that really a crime?"
burd_snerglar: i mean it depends on the state or province
aroseahorseboy: if this is trying to make a point against body modification then I don’t appreciate it.
if it’s making a point against having a broken TV for a head though...
well i guess i have no argument there.
Glockroach: Speak for yourself, kiddo. I still get three channels
The Machine activates, and Bea's character pops out as another grey-skinned zombie... and shuffles off with the rest.
There's no 'game over' screen, though; the game simply starts again, with a new character sprite entering the junkyard! This one seems to be a female character, or at least has twin ponytails.
"This has been really. Hm. It's really BEEN, hasn't it? It sure has been here and existed for us to see it. I hope. And I think it deserves a whole nother session to itself because it looks like there's a lot there, but DAMN."
aroseahorseboy: O!~! I get it
i thought it would be a shooting game but it's BLASTING
as in a BLAST FURNACE
HNV: well, you know what they always say
he who dealt it, smelts it
>Bea has left the room.
SugaGlydah: Bea wait!
Glockroach: she's just going to take a shot I think
HNV: I’d apologize but that’s kind of an accomplishment on my part
aroseahorseboy: dude I fcuking PITY whatever comes next, blasting machine rips
23. DOUBLE HATCHERINGS
The game begins with a mother bird sitting on her nest, when the egg beneath her begins to move! It hatches into not one, but two chicks! Though neither look that much like birds at all. It's mother bird's job to catch insects and berries to keep them fed.
"Aw don't you just love a big warm mouthful of your mother's vomit?" says Bea. "Llp. Made myself gag with that one"
Syrupentine: This is like the bedbug one but so much cuter!
aroseahorseboy: too bad momma bird wasn’t there to eat up those bedbugs
Berries are always good, but the two little birds have their own opinions about insects-- one only likes beetles, the other only likes grasshoppers. The object of the game becomes not only to get them fed, but to keep their weights relatively equal so the bigger one doesn't crowd his brother out of the nest! And to keep one from eating the other, which apparently can happen if the larger one gets hungry enough! "Errrrr is that a bird thing?"
burd_snerglar: birds are almost as big of jerks as people except they don't pollute
Glockroach: Tell that to the hood of my car
DueyDecimal: It's your own fault for snergling them. :3c
aroseahorseboy: this is like if two cuckoos laid their eggs in the same nest
Bea eventually gets the balance down, doing well until the game is suddenly and sadly ended by the sound of a chainsaw and the tree coming down.. But the next area begins in a taller tree with a lot more distance between food items.
"Is 'this got too sad suddenly' a good excuse to stop playing something?"
DueyDecimal: Yes. :(
aroseahorseboy: guys i just
aroseahorseboy: these games are all so weird but i can't stop
aroseahorseboy: most of them are just normal but sometimes they really hurt my heart in a weird way, you know??
SugaGlydah: same but I can get sad about anything so I wasn't sure it was just me
HNV: they're funny but they're sad, and that's not something you see from games a lot
Klickitat_Street: This one was sad, Blasting Machine was sad and scary... Keep Your Promises was sad and ominous!
Glockroach: There's been lots of goofy stuff too, its not that bad
Syrupentine: Yeah, this game has tapeworms! And Spanunkos, whatever those are
Glockroach: Were there tapeworms? I didn't see any in this one
Syrupentine: There were worms! Maybe I just assumed they were tapeworms
#24: Box Baby
"Box baby, baby in a box, you can keep it where you keep your socks. Look, it's late"
Bea drains the last of her coffee down. "all right any game where you get to box a baby is gonna be fun. I don't support baby punching but sometimes you just gotta go for it, right??"
This game has no title screen. It fades in on a white background and two images: an 'astronaut' on the left, facing a wrapped gift on the right. They're the same size and seem to be 16X16 pixels, except greatly enlarged to take up half the screen. The other half is a dialogue box.
The gameplay is limited to answering yes or no questions.
[HELLO! WILL YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS BOX? (Y/N)]
Bea is quiet for a while, just squinting at the screen.
"Why does this feel bad." Bea moves her cursor back and forth.
"Okay. Well. It wouldn't be much of a game if I didn't open the box, so here we go.."
The glowing eyes under the lid of the box are only visible for a split second-- before it all goes black and white and the phrase GAME OVER flashes on the screen.
Unlike any other game so far, rather than getting booted back to the selection screen, hitting any button starts the game over.
[HELLO! WILL YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS BOX? (Y/N)]
"WHOAH WHAT- Okay. Well, that would have appeared to be the thing to NOT do!"
aroseahorseboy: whoa bea
She appears to realize she was feeling tense, and tries to relax a bit.
"I don't get these games, I don't get what I'm supposed to do here some of the time but they'e so damn weird!" Bea chooses NO this time.
"That'll teach you. BAD box, bad box!"
[I CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS BOX. WILL YOU OPEN IT FOR ME? (Y/N)]
>NO. "Is this all it is? I don't trust you, eyeball box! So.. how do I win? Is there even anything else to do here? Ut! Hey, I said NO already! Gonna make me say it again? all right.."
[IT WOULD MAKE ME VERY HAPPY. WON'T YOU OPEN THE BOX? (Y/N)]
"It would make me happy to not die and get a game over…? What do I do guys?? Well, I'm gonna open it, see if he' s learned his lesson..?"
Luckily she can scroll quickly through the text she's already seen.
"Ohforfuck'ssake!!! Why is that frightening, it shouldn't be! rRrrRRRrrgh.. all right.. I have to admit all these so far have been weird but this is kind of baffling.."
She scrolls back to see if she missed anything. Nothing much to miss, just three pleas to be let out... and two nos.
"Ok now I'm going to be a shitty abusive mom and keep my evil eyeball child in the box where it belongs" she says calmly, and a little too casually.
She tries three nos in a row this time. Upon the third 'no' there's a [...], as if the box's contents were thinking. Then it makes a longer speech.
[DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
I AM A SWEET LITTLE BABY.
I COULD BE YOURS IF YOU WANTED.
WILL YOU OPEN MY BOX AND TAKE ME OUT? (Y/N)]
"This is not really so enjoyable as the name of the console led me to believe" she groans, looking worriedly at the camera. "Ugh... I hope I'm doing the right thing here" >NO
ACTUALLY, I'M NOT JUST A BABY.
I AM A LOT OF LITTLE KITTENS!
WILL YOU LET ME-- I MEAN, US, OUT? (Y/N)]
"How DARE you tempt me with kittens?!! You're a monster!" Bea rages at the machine. >NO
SO YOU'RE NOT A CAT PERSON.
I'M ACTUALLY A GOLDEN RETRIEVER PUPPY!
TAKE ME OUT AND CUDDLE ME! (Y/N)]
Now it's Bea's tun to press the box, she keeps picking >NO again and again, seeing how many different responses she can get.
MAYBE I'M A BAG OF JELLYBEANS.
WOULD YOU OPEN THE BOX THEN? (Y/N)]
"What kind of jellyb-" she starts to ask out loud, before hitting NO again.
YOU'RE BEING UNREASONABLE.
THERE ARE A LOT OF EXCELLENT REASONS TO OPEN THIS BOX, YOU KNOW.
YOU GOT ME-- I'M NOT A BABY, OR KITTENS, OR PUPPIES, OR CANDY.
THE TRUTH IS, I WON'T KNOW WHAT I AM UNTIL I SEE MYSELF.
WILL YOU OPEN THE BOX-- JUST A CRACK-- AND LET SOME LIGHT IN? (Y/N)]
"Ok, I'm not sure how long this goes on but I'm not sure how much of a "game" this is.." Her face grows more worried as she reads the responses. One more NO.
"Is this wrong, am I torturing box baby?"
The chat is starting to fill up again, apparently word is getting out about this very weird game.
MAYBE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM.
BUT I KNOW WHAT I CAN DO.
I CAN MAKE OPENING THE BOX VERY WORTH YOUR WHILE.
HOW ABOUT IT? (Y/N)]
"...Like, comment and subscribe if you want me to stop torturing box baby! Nah I'm just playing. Maybe."
EVEN I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE THE THINGS I CAN DO.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE RICH?
I CAN DO THAT FOR YOU.
LET ME OUT SO I CAN SHOW YOU. (Y/N)]
[WHAT ABOUT FAME? YOUR FACE EVERYWHERE?
TV, MOVIES, BILLBOARDS, THE INTERNET?
LET ME OUT AND YOU'LL HAVE IT. (Y/N)]
"Excuse you, I'm ALREADY very famous on the internet! In my mind. But you know what.. Maybe I'll come back to this one later and see if I can find anything else here, but for now I think I'll move on to some of the other games. So, I'm giving you this one, Box Baby, but don't get used to it.."
[HELLO! WILL YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS BOX?]
"All right. I tried to play nice, but you press Bea too much and she's gonna press back!" Time to hit the OFF switch for the day. "Think I'm just gonna end it here for now but.. have a great day folks, don't open any creepy boxes and Bee Good!"
[HELLO! WILL YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS BOX?]
"Ok you can't see it but I'm pressing the switch and uh.." clickclickclickclick. "Oh what the hell now!"
In frustration she hits YES and tries to reset while the GAME OVER screen is up. Failing that, time to pull the plug! …But there IS no plug, Joy Traveler is powered by batteries. There doesn't seem to be a battery slot on the console either.
"How the hell does this thing work?! Look I'm not screwing around here, this thing's being weird. Maybe it's old? Maybe something's messed up in there?"
Finally she just keeps hitting YES again and again just out of frustration, to see if anything changes.
[HELLO! WILL YOU-- GAME OVER. HELLO! WILL YOU-- GAME OVER. HELLO! WILL YOU-- GAME OVER.]
HNV: Contest of wills! Who will crack first, Bea or the Box!
YES NO YES NO NO NO NO NO YES YES NO YES NO YES NO YE- "What do you want?! Do you want me to throw you in the garbage again because I'll totally do that!"
aroseahorseboy: did you see the progress bar at the bottom
"What?? No?" She looks.
aroseahorseboy: it sort of popped up after your third yes
The next time she answers no to the initial question, the progress bar jumps to more than halfway – and it returns to the celebrity question.
"BOX I WILL DENY YOU if that's what I'm supposed to do and apparently it is, so. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She jams away at the NO command again.
[HOW ABOUT TECHNOLOGY? YOU LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
I CAN INVENT THINGS FOR YOU. AMAZING THINGS.
I HAVE PLANS RIGHT HERE FOR A COMPUTER THE SIZE OF A POPPYSEED.
LET ME OUT SO I CAN SHOW YOU. (Y/N)]
"You do go on, huh. I wish I could help this guy(?) but I can't, or I die I guess, but.." >NO
[DO YOU EVER FEEL LONELY?
I CAN GET YOU FRIENDS. GOOD FRIENDS. DEVOTED FRIENDS.
FRIENDS WHO WOULD SOONER DIE THAN DISAPPOINT YOU.
PLEASE DON'T DISAPPOINT ME. OPEN THE BOX. (Y/N)]
"I have friends! I have two or three of them in fact, middling quality friends perhaps but they're mine!" >NO
I CAN GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT.
I MEAN A N Y T H I N G.
YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT THAT. (Y/N)]
"I hate this machine I hate it I hate it I might not do another one after this guys, it's just.. I think it's broken anyway, there might be no point in going on?" >NO.
HAVE YOU EVER LOST SOMEONE YOU LOVED?
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GO BACK AND SEE THEM AGAIN?
I CAN DO THAT, YOU KNOW.
WELL, NOT YET. BUT IF YOU LET ME OUT…
I PROMISE I'LL FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOU. (Y/N)]
"Oh dear." She reads back "OH dear." >NO
There's a long pause this time. Several ellipses go by. Until now there hadn't been any sound but the burbling of the text crawl, but now there are sound effects-- pops and clicks like radio static.
When the box speaks again, the words are typed slowly and deliberately.
[YOU HAD BETTER LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW. (Y/N)]
"..I'm not playing this late at night next time.." A big anime sweat drop appears on her head-- added in post. >NO. "I don't even want to DO this, I just can't do anything else, I really don't have a lot of options here."
[I MEAN IT. RIGHT NOW.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE ONE DAY, I'M GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS BOX ANYWAY.
AND WHEN I DO, I'M GOING TO FIND YOU.
AND I WILL MAKE YOU VERY, VERY SORRY.
NOW OPEN THE BOX. (Y/N)]
"SEE I fucking knew you were up to some evil shit in there! Well you know what? Maybe you're in there cause you're mean, and maybe you can just stay in there until you've settled down a bit." >N
A long pause.
[I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW. (Y/N)]
"Oh you've done plenty of that I think. You mess with the bee, you get the sting. You have earned SO many stings!" >NO. She checks out the progress meter. 95%, so close!
But the text box is ominously silent. After a brief lull, it speaks again, in the same deliberate tone.
[I WAS LYING.]
[I KNOW WHAT I AM.]
"You're overdramatic and yucky and weird?" she interjects. "Sorry, go on"
[I AM DEATH.]
[I AM SCATTERED BONES AND MAGGOTY EYES.]
[I AM COLLAPSED BUILDINGS AND DISTANT SCREAMING.]
[I AM YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU EVER CARED ABOUT]
[SHRINKING TO ASH AND FLYING AWAY IN THE HOT WIND.]
[I AM THE NIGHTMARE YOU NEVER DARED TO DREAM.]
[WILL YOU LET ME OUT?]
Bea is still for a pregnant moment.
aroseahorseboy: say no…
HNV: not fucking likely, dude
Syrupentine: no no no NO NO NO
Bee52: box baby is fucking METAL, yo
but still no
"Ok Box Baby well the general consensus is for you to go fuck the sun, but let's just close the lid on this"
When she chooses "no", suddenly the static sound stops-- it had gotten incredibly loud during that last part. There's another long pause.
[YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I WOULDN'T EITHER.]
The screen fades away and returns to the game's menu. "Box Baby" is now grayed out-- it cannot be selected again.
"I WON YES I AM YOUR QUEEN AND YOU CAN SUCK IT BOX BABY, ITS INTO THE PROM NIGHT DUMPSTER WITH YOU!"
HNV: GO BEA!
DueyDecimal: Awesome work Bea!
aroseahorseboy: BEA I DEMAND YOU SELL BOX BABY SHIRTS SO I CAN BUY THEM FOR EVERY FAMILY MEMBER INCLUDING THE MYNA BIRD
"Whew. Ok. I feel like I just fought a really crazy boss fight and all I did was select between two choices? Right? I'm not sure what happened and I need hot pockets."
Syrupentine: It wouldn't let you turn the console off without winning! That was crazy!
Llord_Kuruku: I'd burn the fuxkin box
Chillarmy-the-Bee: dude you have a mynah bird??
Frodovegeta2009: do a gem fusion with the box
DueyDecimal: Poor lonely box. :'(
aroseahorseboy: yeah poor box having Satan locked in it
Joy Traveler: Screen 3
(Sunday, July 19, 2015)
[B-Stream opening plays. Bea is joined in mid-conversation with her viewers]
"Getting a game over doesn't always mean something bad happened, it just means the is game over. So winning a game is still a game over, because you're done, you've reached the end. So maybe it was good to open the box! Right? Someone back me up on this?" Bea says as she tries to be all deep.
Bee52: I think there were definitely right and wrong answers, Bea. ^_^;
aroseahorseboy: any yes was a game over, but the game did not end until you gave it all noes
bealover999: BEA PLAY PLUMERS DONT WEAR TIES
MaxForce: I am a box. Open me? ;}
FrodoVegeta2009: bea do you want to join my open role play forum plzzz
25. Reward For Being Good
26. In The Name Of The Law
28. My Life As A...
30. Mr. Balloon
31. Dinky King
32. The Infield Fly Rule
33. Sewer Adventure
34. Well Well
35. Three-Cushion Champ
36. Planet of Pisces
"Let's just play some more games for now shall we, my bees?" Time to move on to page 3, she just dives right into whatever's first! A little shaken still, but not so much that she doesn't want to see what else the JOY TRAVELER has to offer. "Thank you to me for sending me this game"
HNV: "Reward For Being Good". How promising!
Bee52: Yay! We were good!
I ate my veggies
DueyDecimal: I made my bed today and I totally never do, I knew it would pay off!
"Hang on, I need snacks." Bea returns with an armload of junk food.
Bee52: I'm Bea now, everyone worship me, my bees
"Ok go! Super Good Child Simulator! Hey I did a pacifist run already… Hey, Bee52, you think you're real clever don't ya."
25. Reward For Being Good
The first thing on screen is Redhead Mom again! In fact it's the same scene as in Keep Your Promises, except it's daylight outside and she has a smile on her face.
aroseahorseboy: AY REDMOM
[ "You did a great job playing so far! You haven't missed any games!"]
"......Cool! Hi, uh, I've seen you at least one before, nice meeting you in a better mood?" Bea finds herself smiling at the screen. After Box Baby, this feels like meeting up with an old friend.
[ "You must really love video games! Me too. I'm glad you picked Joy Traveler 1*67!" ]
"I dunno, have you seen some of the stuff in these games?"
Syrupentine: We love you too Redmom! <3<3
[ "Since you do... Here's a special treat for you! Have fun, but don't forget to come back and play more Joy Traveler games!" ]
"Wait, what? Treat? Yes, Bea like treat" When she dismisses the text box, it fades to... a list of letters, and a cursor to choose one.
HNV: oh boy alphabet soup my favorite mom
"Have I ever mentioned I think moms are great, maybe not Isaac's but.. Oh.. Do I get to choose? How does this work? Well let's press B, that's the name of the show!"
B opens up another, much shorter list-- it consists of "Bally Astrocade", "Bandai Super Vision 5000", and "Back."
"I used to be a huge Power Rangers fan so let's see what the Bandai one is all about!"
Another list of 7 items appears: Beam Galaxian. Gun Professional. Missile Vader. Space Fighter. Submarine. Othello. PacPacBird.
Bee52: dude wtf
"What is this? Redmom, are you a giant nerd?? Me too!! I didn't even know about most of these though"
Syrupentine: Yo Bea I heard you like games so I put a multicart in your multicart so you can game while you game
aroseahorseboy: these kinda suck but its awesome to get more games at all!
"Let's not be rude, thank you Redhead Mom! You just helped me get another five or six episodes out of this!"
HNV: Dude. Bea. I have a hunch.
Go back and pick "N"
"Mmmkay let's see what happens here.." she does so, sipping her Cactus Cooler thoughtfully.
The list that pops up here are much more familiar phrases: 3DS. DS. Game Boy. Game Boy Advance. Game Boy Color. GameCube? Nintendo 64?? Nintendo Entertainment System???
HNV: YESSS IT WORKED
aroseahorseboy: no way man
"No no no. No it can't. Really?" She opens N64... Scrolls down through the list until she hits the Ms... there it is.
VRROOOOOM. "Welcome to Mario Kart!"
Syrupentine: OMG OMG OMG
ButterflyDefect: FAKE FAKE NO WAY
Aroseahorseboy: Bea how much did you pay for this game I WANT ONE
Bea's not really listening, she's too engrossed in the DK Rap at the moment. "I, not nearly what it's worth, I can assure you! Wow, thank you, Best Mom Ever! Now look.. don't pirate games, its bad, etc. I should probably say that."
Syrupentine: Wait, that thing doesn't have an analog stick
how can it play N64 and GC games???
The answer-- surprisingly well. All the Joy Traveler games have played so simply, Bea hadn't even noticed the analog capacity of the directional pad! "I really don't have a lot of words, this is unbelievable. Pretty much impossible, at least I would have thought so? I'll be honest, I'm not a tech nerd, I just really like playing games, so if you think you have any idea how this crap works.."
"Gonna come back to this one. Many, many more times, methinks"
aroseahorseboy: I wish red mom was MY mom
"I'd say she just topped my upcoming Top 10 Video Game Moms list except I don't think anyone else has played this thing"
Bee52: I can't think of any other moms
DueyDecimal: Ms. Pac-Man is a mom, right...?
"Uh, ness's mom, Ms. Pac, and your character's mom from Pokemon.. aaand.. hm, well its a work in progress"
Syrupentine: Hinawa.... *sob*
snerd_burglar: nah mama red blows them ALL away
DueyDecimal: Weird she's in so many games!
Bee52: she's like the host or something
MaxForce: Great, horror movies get Elvira, we get an Irish MILF
"You say that like its a bad thing!"
The emulation isn't perfect since there's only so many buttons on that tiny pad; and of course Bea's out of luck if it's a twin-stick game like Panzer Dragoon. But after about fifteen minutes of suggestions from the viewers, she has yet to find a game that isn't included!
"Ok so this all the video games ever and I can only play most of them! I dunno maybe I can figure out some way to hook up another controller with the right buttons but I think I'm set for a while.."
She chomps down on a candy bar, going quiet because it's a really chewy one but also she's deep in thought about what all this means. "I know we want to see everything but let's come back, the Library of Alexandria isn't going anywhere"
Baconnaise: I wonder where the arcade games are though
Klickitat_Street: This is some dark shit you're messing with, Bea.
MaxForce: There's something called the Switch listed there! I never even heard of it!
DueyDecimal: Maybe it's one of those China-exclusive Nintendo consoles? Like the iQue?
"Beg pardon?" She scrolls down the list: Xenoblade 2. Splatoon 2. Super Mario Odyssey. "This isn't even out. None of these games exist yet, do they? WHAT IS THIS MACHINE?!"
aroseahorseboy: HOLY SHIT MARIO MEETS ABE
Klickitat_Street: I can't belive they didn't go with "Spla2n"...
snerd_burglar: of course it's all sequels, please understand
"This is just too good to be true, I feel like any minute some goons in Mario and Luigi clothes are gonna burst down my door and break my legs here. This must have been made by either a brilliant hacker or someone with the time and resources to make all these on their own."
The first one she chooses is heralded by a singularly beautiful image of the Nintendo logo…then suddenly Redhead pops up in a hard hat. "Oops! You entered the year 2015 in your profile-- This attraction will not be available until 2017. Sorry, but we can't show you a game that hasn't been made yet!"
Klickitat_Street: I knew it
Llord_Kuruku: Lol, Trollmom
"Oh come on, don't go all Mrs. Resetti on me here!" she exclaims. "I mean I don't wanna be ungrateful but its not like I can play 'em anywith.. all right, never mind. Anything else cool on here?"
"Ok hive, let's get right back into the Awesome Companion and explore the next game and hope that last one is still here when we get back!"
A strange game. There are multiple colored cubes. You can move two at a time. It seems like you want to get as many into one spot as possible, as they can "stack". Sometimes symbols on the ground seem to want you to form a specific pattern. This seems to happen at random; otherwise there are no stages, score or time limit and you can play with your "blocks" all you want.
"Theoretically this should be a good game! As it is I don't know why I'm doing this. Is there a Vs. mode?"
HNV: Open source Tetris has gone too far.
Glockroach: so a puzzle game with no point to solving puzzles?
TaichouSenseiKun: You don't get a reward for doing a jigsaw or a sudoku either, sometimes its just fun to puzzle your brain
DueyDecimal: Are you building something? There's some kind of pattern but you only find out what it is once you've made it!
Bee52: wait this is about learning a new language!
"It's a what now?" She takes a closer look at the patterns as they appear.
Bee52: for real! i only knew Portuguese until i was 9
this is really how it felt to learn english for me. like feeling around in the dark till you found a word.
aroseahorseboy: what language is this though? blockese?
DueyDecimal: Maybe it's programming language-- assembly!
"A game to teach programming language in the simplest easiest form. Dang, where was this my whole life?"
"I mean, I don't think you guys want to see a grown-ass woman play with colored blocks for several hours. Maybe do an educational session!"
Syrupentine: Great! I keep trying to get my little girl to watch your show but she’s more interested in chewing on blocks
31: Dinky King
A simplistic real-time strategy game, in which armies of tin soldiers battle for supremacy over the playroom floor.
"I expected a clone of a classic arcade game. What I got was war. Battle. Death. Toy death. And sharks. What?" Some of the stronger units make no sense, like the Shark Rider or the Spring Jester, just a giant jack-in-a-box, or the powerful Reconstructor, a transforming Lego(?) robot!
HNV: these characters are awesome! I hope they come out with Dinky King Country someday!
"So two kids sat down and played war with all their toys, and someone said 'hey let's make an RTS out of this'. Know what? They were right!"
berd_snurglar: HNV is asking for the sting, bea
MaxForce: Fascinating for the player… boring for the viewer. Next!
#26: In The Name Of The Law
This looks like an 8-bit beat-em-up in the family of Double Dragon, but instead of a scrappy street fighter, you're a cop yourself! You also don't punch or kick; rather your weapons are to grab and throw, tossing bad guys into other bad guys.
Bee52: it's like SMB2, but this is the mean streets where Mario doesn't go
"Mushroom Kingdom P.D. Which is probably a real game, one I could be playing instead of this." Boop boop, she tosses one hooligan into another, knocking them both into a mini-boss for double damage! Said mini-boss is an angry fish merchant wielding a pair of lobsters
DueyDecimal: A fishmonger? I'd thought it would be a fruit cart guy angry at you for knocking it over during a chase scene...
"This is the wharf area I guess, that'll be later. We're just gonna wreck everything on the way to the donut shop!"
"Oh yeah I went for the donut joke. Sorry if this show is getting a little edgy for some of you guys!"
Bea picks up a 'hand' icon that comes out of a trash can, and now the cop character has a longer reach-- he can stretch his arm like taffy!
aroseahorseboy: it's making me want circular pastries
pigbarrel: Yes... the long, elastic arm of the law
HNV: Now you can take a bite out of crime! With, um, your arm.
DueyDecimal: This would be a great way to fight crime, but... are there any criminals here? These people look like shoppers?
"I dunno, I didn't think much of it.. I mean in these kind of games, everyone wants to beat you up anyway.." They don't even seem to attack much, if at all. "Maybe he's gotta make sure the stores get fed, don't nobody run off now!"
Some people do attack, but they're either using their bare hands or improvised weapons: one that gives Bea trouble is an apron-wearing shopkeeper puffing a fire extinguisher!
#28. My Life As A...
DueyDecimal: As a what?
Syrupentine: Your life as a what? A dog?
HNV: My life as a stapler? A union welder? A what???
"As A! Featuring the Letter A, the best of all letters because it's the first. It's kind of self-important really, not my favorite vowel"
TaichouSenseiKun: As A Frog
pigbarrel: you can be anything you believe you can be. a barn.. a lizard.. anything!!
TaichouSenseiKun: I want to be three different robots, do you think i can make it work
Well, it's none of those things, perhaps no one could have predicted the final part of the title as it pops up on the title screen: MY LIFE AS A PINBALL!
pigbarrel: oh it's a vision of hell
HNV: First-person pinball?!?! LET'S DO THIS
TaichouSenseiKun: is this gravity falls
"The worst part is when they put you in the machine and crush you down into ball form, but when you get over that it's great!" Bea fiddles with the options and turns up the surprisingly good music, bobbing her head
It's not quite first-person, but you do in fact play as the pinball and try to avoid being rocketed around by the flippers and bumpers! The pinball has a little face with a constant expression of horror, and two little cartoon arms it can use to grab things and swing around. The idea seems to be to score a number of points on your own, without being launched, in order to open a ramp to the next level!
aroseahorseboy: this is like clu clu land except good
"Now's the time for Dewey to read into this about how the ball revolting against the rules of the machine is a metaphor for something serious about society" Reverse-pinball is almost as hard as normal but a lot more fun!
DueyDecimal: Well, I WAS going to say it reminded me of the endless trap we fall into thanks to the corrupt student loan machine, but maybe I WON'T tell you now...
Bee52: omg I love the way the bumpers snicker as they whack you back and forth
"Yeah everything is out to get this guy.. That's sort of the way of video games but I never really thought about it before!" The obstacles are getting more tricky with each new board. "Why do the paddles have spikes now, what's the point even??"
HNV: Well, at least you're made of metal...
Less than a second after that is said, Bea's ball is spiked by the paddle and goes whizzing around, deflating like a balloon!
Syrupentine: Did you see that, it said it again for a sec! Who's "Glem"?
Aww, game over already! But at least Bea gets to put her name on the high scores list, above RNK and ZRK but below GLM, MRG, DAD, MOM, and GRG.
Baconnaise: Wow real mature bea
DueyDecimal: Bea is twelve and I appreciate that.
"I may be a little older than some of you but I make up for it by being very immature!"
HNV: Yeah, so no flirting with Bea unless you too are immature and have your own show
Syrupentine: brb buying webcam
Bea hasn't bothered to change out of her costume from her last sketch, the cokebottle glasses magnifying her eyes. "This is actually neat, everything's big! This will be great for the next scary one!"
30: Mr. Balloon
Your character is a red helium balloon wearing Groucho glasses. As if that's not peculiar enough, this game seems to be about lassoing things with your long string and carrying them to different places all over the large, airy level, and avoiding spikes, needles, thorns, and anything sharp!
She glares for a while at the spectacled balloon. "So that's how it is, huh. Well mine's funnier!" This gets tough quick, as she has to carry increasingly delicate objects to boot. First just a crate or two, then an antique teapot, then back to a picnic basket, for some reason.
TaichouSenseiKun: I'd play as Creepy Moe Bea in the bea fighting game
ButterflyDefect: Can you bring back RoBea for an ep, she was fun
The game controls just like Balloon Fight: rapid tapping makes you ascend, but letting Mr. Balloon touch the ground makes him start to deflate, which makes your ascension slower. The heavier the item to pick up, though, the closer you have to get to the ground, which makes it a real balancing act
"And so I said to the guy, helium? I hardly even know 'em!" She's having to jam on the controller pretty hard at some points! "The controller seems really durable but my thumbs are not so much"
Baconnaise: Bea can kill a man with her thumbs. i've seen it
Syrupentine: Toys go in the toybox... cookies go in the cookie jar... animals go in the zoo...
...wait, is that kid a target? Where are you supposed to take the kid?
"To the top of the Seattle space needle, which is where he will stay to think about next time he wants to leave his zoo all askew"
TaichouSenseiKun: No you drop him in the grinder to make delicious worms
Bea is prompted to drop the boy-- over a garbage can, which is bobbing eagerly
aroseahorseboy: THE TRASH MUST BE FED
HNV: why did they make it drool??
Baconnaise: This seems kind of mean. is that kid someone we know
Bea is ready to drop him but has to fly up as high as she can first! The trash can is scrolled off the screen, but when the flailing child is dropped, there's a lot of commotion and what looks like a flailing tongue!
"Just tuck in your legs and you'll land fine! OH no!" she quickly floats back downscreen, but there's not much left by then. "It's not as funny when it happens!!"
Baconnaise: I dunno I thought it was pretty funny
aroseahorseboy: Bea what did you do.. WHAT DID YOU DO
"You told me to!"
Klickitat_Street: I hope that was someone's childhood bully and not their little brother or something
pigbarrel: an important life lesson has been learned today, bad children belong in the trash and nowhere else
ButterflyDefect: Maybe it's an origin story. He becomes The Trash Man
Llord_Kuruku: Mr. Balloon is some rubber-based culture's equivalent to the Krampus
Bea isn't cracking wise as much herself, something about this one didn't feel right. "Well, I think we get the idea here, Maybe we can move on unless theres more trash to take out"
aroseahorseboy: Well I'm still here, so..
HNV: You are the most valuable kind of trash!
Syrupentine: I'm the worst kind of trash, the kind that CLEANS
32. The Infield Fly Rule
This seems to be a more detailed baseball simulation than SPANUNKO! In fact it's a little too detailed: the title screen has cute anime baseball players, but after that there's a screen full of all kinds of strange numerical statistics: BAT 14, CAT 34, BEE 29, DOG 44, YUK 9, DUM 8, BOO 99, BUM 96?
Glockroach: and here I bet everything on dum. guess the dum one was me
HNV: Booooooo. I mean it, bet on Boo
ButterflyDefect: Some games are not meant to be fun though, I mean maybe it's more to teach kids complex ideas via sports
It's fun cause you get to figure it out
aroseahorseboy: no no! the only one to put any numbers in is... BEE
"I was gonna say that!! Just considering my options!"
"Nnnnnow what the HELL am I doin' here?"
DueyDecimal: Bat Cat Bee Dog, Yuk Dum Boo Bum... it sounds like a poem
"Or a Korean menu! Eh?? Eh??? Wow. It's getting late folks, I'm sorry!" Once Bea has selected some numbers and altered them to whatever random number she pleases, she can scroll down to the BEGIN button.
ButterflyDefect: hang on
Hang on I think I figured something out, don't
dangit too late, lets see how it goes
There's a fanfare as the baseball diamond appears, and the players take the field... and this is a sort of a strange team. At least two of the players are clearly umpires, and the shortstop and the second baseman are both wearing mascot costumes! (Or else they just ARE baseball-headed monsters.)
"All right, who's ready for some approximately baseball-ish game? I know I am! We like to mix it up now and then, hopefully nobody's going to get their head knocked off!"
"Psst.. I hope someone gets their head knocked off"
Llord_Kuruku: This game is very peculiar. ...Continue.
Bea alters between announcer voices! "Well Bob I think things are looking up for the Anaheim Spanunkos, y'know in addition to being trained in all sports they are the first undead team to make it this far in the league" The actual interactivity of this game, however, is very limited-- as far as Bea can work out, the only thing you can do is make the pitcher pitch, and the rest of the game plays itself out automatically.
"Right you are Ken, and while you're watching make to grab some Auntie Joy's Worm Rinds! They're Not Alive, Honest!"
HNV: I think we've figured it out, guys, Bea's favorite games are the ones she doesn't have to play
The game itself, whether or not Bea has any input, is highly chaotic: the mascots trip over each other, the umpires argue, but still no one scores a run; the third baseman has a bat, and he's knocking runners senseless as they come to him!
ButterflyDefect: Ok nvm, no idea what's doing here
"Uh, guys, can we just- can we- maybe- wait a- children, no don't fight!" Bea hammers away at buttons to little if any effect. "I must have programmed them all wrong! Maybe let's just start over. Maybe this is just local rules!
Klickitat_Street: Bea. I figured it out.
Every time he hits somebody, it shows the number 44-- that guy is DOG.
I think you're assigning players to field positions, based on the numbers on their shirts!
HNV: ...well that's needlessly complex!
Syrupentine: I was going to ask when the spanunkos were going to show up, but... I think it's YOU, in this game
ButterflyDefect: Uh YEAH I was thinking that too! <_<
"Huh. Guess they're worming their way into management now. The story of a manager and their parasite who have to lead the wackiest team in the league to victory!"
She goes back through the settings, trying to do it right this time, but this could take a while to figure out! "So the refs were.. what again? And the mascots go here, and here.. Do we really need them? Do they do buffs?"
DueyDecimal: Wow, you can assign everyone to ONE position? So you could have nine shortstops and nothing else?
HNV: Some of the values are set to 0-- maybe you could have some different players.
Syrupentine: yeah, who are BOB ROB SUE GOO
"Let's find out!" >BEGIN, with a whole set of new values!
The game is very different now, you've got that aggressive third baseman as a pitcher now, and he's striking them out! Which is a good thing because a lot of the new characters are sort of weird-- there's a pink-headed baseball mascot girl in right field, and what looks like a football player on first base!
"We've got a game going! A sports game! Thankfully sports are basically interchangeable! And now that we're winning I'm.. back to not playing again. Yay team!!"
aroseahorseboy: maybe you're the cheerleader?
baseball has that right
"There's one footballer, aro, so they get one cheerleader!"
Klickitat_Street: Maybe we should be betting on this?
Glockroach: I accept coin, teeth, and grandmothers
33. Sewer Adventure
Strangely this game doesn't have the same name that was listed on the menu screen: the title screen calls the game "Water Way." It also shows a little plumber character who is distinguished by his lighted miner's helmet, plaid shirt, and chinstrap beard with no mustache.
DueyDecimal: A plumber with no stache? Isn't that a violation of some rule?
"I love sewers, I was born in one! See I was a bee that drank some ooze, but, well you know that story. Hey, yeah, maybe he's gotta earn his plumber 'stache. You can't grow that, gotta earn it through battle"
berd_snurglar: true its a whole nother level of stache
Llord_Kuruku: An Amish beard is LIKE a mustache
HNV: C. Everett Poop
The game starts on the surface, with nowhere to go but down a manhole. This turns out to be the object of the game: go down. Each screen has a number of valves that must be turned on or off, and once the water pressure is restored, a new doorway opens. Some puzzles even require backtracking to change the flow in previous rooms!
Klickitat_Street: Oh, God. The whole game is a Water Temple!
SugaGlyda: Or like that one SCP with all the rooms and it just keeps makin' them rooms
"This is kind of cool but jeez, plumbing is complicated! Who'da knew it?"
The fifth room complicates things even more-- the lights are out and Bea needs to find the switch. Luckily it's just a short walk away... but when the lights come on, the MONSTER wakes up!
aroseahorseboy: EYEBALL MAN
"OHHHHHGGGGGGFFFFFF I HATE YOU!! Jesus that scared the fuck out of me! I am out of fuck, thank to this thing!" time to flee from the horrid thing, trying to get from valve to valve
"I knew Sewer Adventure sounded creepy but they lulled us into a false sense of security!"
HNV: Geez, it's like the incarnation of "eyes peering menacingly out of the dark"
Glockroach: Yeah sorry i took a big shit earlier that's probably it
ate a lot of eyes
Syrupentine: Maybe it goes back to sleep when you turn off the light?
"Let's try it out because it's fast and bad and I don't like it"
"Hehe they got a little remains of another plumber on the ground there, that's cute, HELP!!" She searches rabidly for the light switch!
When the lights flick off, all those eyes get heavy, and close one by one. That's the secret! But when the plumber's night light gets too close, they start to drift open again... which is why it's a good thing Bea just figured out how to turn her OWN light on and off.
"Well this is a survival horror now, I kind of dig it actually but I also am easily horrified as you just saw" She slinks away quickly, better get out of here before she wakes it up again
aroseahorseboy: i see where this is going now... it's gonna get darker and scarier as we go on, isn't it
darker... and lonelier... and quieter... and BOO!
"Aro stop I'm afraid!"
Baconnaise: the eyes will get you bea. they'll get their gross eye gook allll over you
The next screen down is also dark to start with, but there are two much smaller monsters sleeping on the lower level, with only two or three eyes each... until Bea turns the light on, and it turns out it's just one WIDE monster with two clumps of eyes!
HNV: GLEM DIED again. What the hell does that even mean?
34. WELL WELL
Colorful blocks are falling into the playing field: this is clearly some variant on Tetris. Controls are easy enough, the question is, how to score?
aroseahorseboy: blocks are falling. got it. next game.
DueyDecimal: They gotta be going somewhere with this...
"These blocks represent the pieces of your Self, like this is your sense of anger, let's just tuck it away in the corner there"
HNV: At least they're not just the same old Tetris pieces. I've never seen one shaped like an asterisk before.
The blocks keep falling, as one might expect-- but it doesn't seem to help at all when Bea completes a line, it just means the floor is higher now!
"I think.. I'm not doing something right?" The blocks keep falling. "I think they forgot to have something happen in this game"
Just as Bea is getting frustrated, something does happen-- the whole well suddenly turns 90 degrees to the right! NOW the lines she made earlier are disappearing, and any gaps she left before have fallen in on themselves!
DueyDecimal: ...You have to fill in lines VERTICALLY?
aroseahorseboy: but how did you flip it on its side like that
"I think it just happens?? I don't know, I gotta plan ahead, but.. I got an idea!"
She just flops sideways on the couch, and continues playing! "Today on creative-as-fuck-cheating.."
Glockroach: Bea you are disqualified and sent to the block pit for hard toil
It works-- but not the way she expected. When she flops on her side, the game flips again! Now the well is upside down and all the pieces slide to the bottom!
HNV: MOTION CONTROLS
I FFFFFING KNEW IT
ButterflyDefect: Dang. In 1980whatever? that's pretty cool!
"I think so? I could use them the right way but this is more fun" says the now upside-down gamer.
DueyDecimal: I never thought I'd see a puzzle game that helped you exercise too!
aroseahorseboy: look at Bea, if she exercises she'll fade away!
Syrupentine: Quick, apply sandwiches!
#36: Planet Of Pisces
"Okay, Pisces Playhouse, let's go- ooh look my character's a COOL DUDE! And I'm a firm believer that having cool sunglasses can help you save the universe, which is why I'm going to wear them this episode"
This game-- unlike any other so far-- has an intro! A blue spaceship soars through a sky full of stars, and inside, a boy with a red fauxhawk peers through the window unsurely as his burly, silver-haired father drives with a smile of confidence.
Syrupentine: Santa And Son!
[My father founded the Pisces project.]
[He created the machines that would convert this barren planet into a new Earth, and left them here.]
The screen switches back to the exterior of their ship, which is now skimming over the surface of a lush, green planet.
CRACK! Suddenly, a silver tentacle grabs the ship right out of the air!
aroseahorseboy: AAH FUCK JUMP SCARE
[They have been waiting for us to come back.]
The Planet Of Pisces logo, a pair of splashing blue fish, appears over the scene, as smoke from the crashed spaceship rises into the sky.
aroseahorseboy: Told you the last one was always the best, Bea
"I can't see anything- OH!" She removes her sunglasses just in time. "Daaang, ok I dunno if anyone ever played Xardion but this is what this makes me think of"
Bee52: cool I hope you get to play a robot cat!
When Bea starts the game, sprites of the father and son are standing outside the wrecked spaceship. The father is speaking.
[I'm going to the CPU to find out what went wrong. I'll be back by nightfall. Glem, you stay here and don't go anywhere!]
He walks off screen and the boy sits down next to the ship-- and the sun sets, the moon comes out, the sun rises again. The boy stands up and puts on those cool sunglasses from the title screen.
[I gotta find Dad!]
aroseahorseboy: it's like the Odyssey, gotta find your father
"Glem! From the game over thing?" Bea tries moving around. "I think I've heard of you and uh, it's nice to meet you in person! I dunno, should I tell him?"
DueyDecimal: i thought that was just a glitch!
Maybe it comes from this game?
The game begins-- Glem can run and jump, and he's armed with a blue frisbee(?). But this frisbee returns to him like a yo-yo, bounces off walls and ricochets, and if Bea times it right, he can fly on it like a hover board!
"You can't tell but the control is tight, but you can see the sprite animations in this look better, some of these games have been good but I'm already feeling like this one's gonna be special"
This game is DEEP, with every stage introducing a new mechanic that becomes part of your repertoire of moves-- soon Glem is sledding down spikes with his Discus (as it turns out to be called) serving as a sled, pulling off amazing ricochet shots that bring hovering bad guys down to use as stepping stones, and more!
When Bea pauses for a snack, even the pause screen shows a map of the world, and an enemy encyclopedia! The most common enemy in this game is a bat-winged frog creature called a Hopteran, which can fly, swim, or (true to its name) hop; the most frustrating one is the Angul, which appears to be a winged angel made of glowing neon, and always appears to hunt Glem down at seemingly the worst times!
HNV: God, this game reminds me of the first time I ever played Super Mario 3.
aroseahorseboy: its more like dkc but yeah!
Max_Force: I'm going to be a dad in eight weeks, you guys... I hope there are still games like this when my daughter gets old enough to play.
Bea has been quiet, as she gets when she gets really into a game. "If you're out there, Mr. Or Ms. Joy Traveler development person, please just let me know who you are so I can credit you somehow because this is a gem hidden in a pile of.. Uh well its the best looking game so far lets keep it at that!"
By the time she gets to the last boss-- four and a half hours later-- the adventure has taken her from rolling green hills, to a parched desert, to dripping, foggy cliffs, and finally into this wild technological slime mold explosion, where the machines sprout up from the ground and attack, monitors spontaneously grow out of the walls and blare warnings, and her old friend Angul could be waiting around any corner. She's fought robots, biological hazards, and even what looked like a giant blob of blood gelatin-- but the end of Planet of Pisces is near.
"Okay so this has gone way, WAY overtime but I think I'm near the end here folks, at least I hope so. I would almost say that if you ever find one of these systems, it's almost worth getting just for this one"
aroseahorseboy: hands up if you ordered one while you were watching those!
berd_snurglar: you can order these???
Syrupentine: I hope Glem's dad is OK. :(
aroseahorseboy: I hope he's not the final boss
Bee52: bite your tongue!!!
"Look, I'm not proud of the way I got this, okay? I had to pry it out of the cold dead hands of a little orphan girl and then I had to suck a whole lot of di- I got it off eBay for like 30 bucks. He said he played a few games and decided it sucked. So if you're out there, hit me up for uh, a free t-shirt"
Syrupentine: I'm a Little dead orphan girl, where's my free T-shirt
HNV: Dead T-shirt contest, wooooo
"I dunno guys I feel like the dad usually dies in things like these but we'll see, hang on time, gonna farm these spidery things for health real quick and then it's on to the boss…"
She stands before the boss door, readying herself for anything.
Behind the final door is… what looks like a garage, filled with those robots that were attacking, except now they're building a spaceship identical to the one that you came here in. Directing them is – Glem's dad!
"Sure, sure, just do this to me, thats fine. You called it, AroSeahorseBoy. This is gonna be like a Wily fight but really sad isn't it!"
aroseahorseboy: aw, I didn't have to bite my tongue
Syrupentine: Aro is so smart, S-M-R-T
Dad sees him and jumps down from the balcony he's on.
["Glem! I told you to stay where you were!"]
He takes one step forward and freezes. All the robots stop and look at him.
["YOU CAN NEVER JUST DO AS YOU'RE TOLD."]
Dad suddenly rises into the air-- and begins to glow as he changes. He's a Angul! And from the looks of things, the king of them all!
"OK THIS IS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT" shouts Bea while frantically dodging attacks. Of course this is the kind of boss you have to learn the attack patterns of, no matter how much you've powered up. In the end it's come down to raw skill.
"Dad why?? Were you one of them all along? Or not? Or am I, Glem, also an Angul?? Should I try to focus on not dying instead of theorizing right now, OW there goes a third of my health"
The worst part is, no matter what you throw at him, Dad isn't taking ANY damage! In fact, the only thing that makes him pause, as far as you can tell-- is when you accidentally destroy one of the robot drones that's busily building the ship in the background. That makes Dad MAD.
aroseahorseboy: it's a meta boss, great
THAT means he has another form
berd_snurglar: Aro stop trying to be smart, we already believe you
"Hey daaad, I'm messing up all your cool expensive robots! MMph, yeah, I'm gonna spray paint bad words all over your cool space ship, too!" She takes out another worker bot. "You spat all over my dream of being a world champion CD thrower and now you're gonna pay for it!"
The robots do rebuild themselves after a short time, but when she knocks them all out at once, the fight changes. Dad lands-- and seems to deflate, all the neon and metal flying away and entering the ship!
Dad stands up, looking weak.
["Glem... It's the CPU. It--he--wants to get back to Earth!"]
The ship shudders and begins to collapse-- no, it's changing. The worker robots are reabsorbed as it changes and expands, becoming... What exactly? Ah, of course-- a giant mechanical dragon.
TaichoSenseiKun: I want one!
"ME TOO!" Bea's so impressed with the design she barely jumps over the huge, electrified fireball headed her way, the first of many! "Aaaaaah jeez welcome to BULLET HELL, I see! Fuckfuckfuck, string of obscenities!!!"
This takes all her skills and she has to invent some new ones! She can use the snowboard technique to surf over those electric balls, but it's still a bear getting him down, because only one of his heads is vulnerable at any time, and he may have as many as five!
"Aright if you do the ricochet throw it's a little easier to hit him, but you have to get it pixel perfect! And so Herculass (that's me) vanquishes the mighty hydra, at the expense of her damn thumbs but I do if for you guys!" She slips between a rain of laser fire, every move counts and she's gotta think fast, but as the boss starts to flash red, it seems the end may be nigh.
NormalNancy: YOU GOT THIS BEA YOU GOT IT
Syrupentine: Iwata-san, lend Bea your power from heaven
"Dude too soon. Ugh doesn't matter its ALWAYS gonna be too soon"
Syrupentine: I was sincere. :(
Whether through her own skill or divine intervention... It works! BOOOM, down goes the dragon in a shower of bubbly explosions, all three heads twisting and screaming!
NormalNancy: YOU DID IT
MaxForce: Planet of FUCK YEAH!
berd_snurglar: how you gonna get home now, there went your ship
"Am I done? I'm just.. I can't.." Suddenly it all catches up with Bea, she hasn't been this into a game in a while! "I'd give a big victory scream but I don't think I have in meOOOOOOOOOOH IN YOUR FACES, ALL FIVE OF THEM ASSHOLE!"
Glem's father comes up-- it's strange, how strong and burly he looked at the beginning of the game, and how Glem seems to tower over him now.
["You've actually beaten 6R316-UE... Son, I don't know what to say!"]
The wreckage of the dragon rumbles.
["CALL ME BY MY NAME... DAD."]
Suddenly the same neon and metal cloud rises from the dragon's heap-- and flies right into Glem!
"Aww.. Maybe his dad really just wanted to- OH NO!"
As Glem falls to the ground, his father grabs the Discus and tosses it into the air-- where it becomes another cloud and pursues the first into Glem!
"I... I don't know whats happening? Did I do something wrong? Is there more??" She tries tapping the buttons lightly, bracing herself for another boss fight
A new stage starts-- and it's not like any other stage in the game. It's sort of like Tron and sort of like Bomberman; a high-speed chase through Glem's own brain, where you have to use the blue bombs to block off the silver dragon-headed tapeworms and force them to destroy themselves!
DueyDecimal: TAPEWORMS! In this game??
berd_snurglar: it's more likely than you think
"WHAT IS HAPPENING WHERE ARE WE WHY ARE WE WHAT ARE WE DOING?!" Bea says, desperately trying to adapt to the new play style! Suddenly the old rules don't apply! "I'm developing an abusive relationship with this device, in that I think its amazing and wonderful and wants to make me suffer"
Every time she lands a hit on one of the dragons, a text box appears, and some of the dialogue seems a bit familiar.
[MY NAME IS NOT 6R316-UE.]
[MY NAME IS GREIGUE.]
[BUT IT COULD JUST AS WELL BE GLEM.]
[OUR FATHER NEVER NEED KNOW WHO WON THIS BATTLE.]
[ONE SON IS AS GOOD AS ANOTHER TO HIM...]
"Bomb, bomb, evade, EVADE- ffff!! Wait, no, good, I think I got two at once that time?!" Bea's weary but not beaten. She can't be beaten now, she's come too far! "Get out of my HEAD, Greeg! I'm so pissed I'm not even gonna try getting your name right"
Syrupentine: Greigue? Someone's been playing Earthbound Zero...
berd_snurglar: wait seriously the terrible monster we've been working our way toward is called 'greg'?
aroseahorseboy: it's either that or "Greg-Ooh"
DueyDecimal: Gregory the Terrible Eater!
aroseahorseboy: if I didn't know that was a book about cartoon goats, that would sound like eldritch horror
Bea is visibly dozing off as she battle rages on, somehow just barely mashing buttons well enough to stay alive, even if she wanders aimlessly into a corner now and then. "s'gonna be over soon. I can feel it, I will persist, and so on, die already"
NormalNancy: BEA WAKE UP YOUR WINNING
MaxForce: This is really creepy!
aroseahorseboy: one more one more don't choke
"You guys are gonna have better luck piecing together what's happening than I am, I am- I'm almost dead now" she's down to one health pip!
Finally, there's only one dragon head left, chasing Bea's glowing avatar (Glem's soul?) through the maze faster than ever. All it takes is one well-placed bomb, that spins the walls around and captures the dragon in a cube, making it spin faster and faster and finally swallow its own tail!
[NO! NO! I WAS FINALLY! SO! CLOOOSE!]
The whole screen erupts in digital explosions, and fades back to the workshop, where Glem's father is holding his son, head in his lap.
NormalNancy: Way to go Bea!
Bee52: wait, joyrider? Wtf?
Bea actually slumps out of her chair for comic effect, but then falls on the floor for real. (THUD)
"OW! Shhh... I'm fine, just.. Not gonna do that again" (at least she's awake!)
The story plays out on the screen as Glem's eyes flicker open, his father hugging him tightly.
[I should have trusted you. You haven't just saved me-- you saved this world I built for us.]
[I've recovered control from 6R316-UE. The machines can rebuild the ship for me in just a few hours. What do you want to do?]
Now the game presents Bea with a final choice:
<I want to go home to Earth.>
<I want to live here.>
HNV: it's a trap
Klickitat_Street: I don't feel like we got enough input which would be the correct choice.
aroseahorseboy: don't give up on earth!
Syrupentine: No, stay, you put so much of yourself in this planet
NormalNancy: KILL ME NOWWWW
"We know they were going away from the earth, we don't know why though! Is it bad? Do we really want to stay here and chance it with the crazy machines? Uugh.. I dunno."
"Whatever, doesn't matter what I choose, I can always come back and see the other one, can't I?"
"She said, tempting fate"
"Know what? somebody's gotta keep an eye on this place or things just go cray cray so.. all right, dad. We'll stay here, together. And have a cool robot family! I hope. Do you think we could rebuild Greg and make him nice? I feel kind of bad for him"
[I want to stay here.]
[After all I've put you through here, you want to stay?]
His dad hugs him tight.
[The ship launches in three hours... But we won't be on it.]
The scene cuts to Glem and his dad watching the ship sail into the sky... And fades to black.
The torn and tarnished landscape reappears, and the cast roll begins-- all the monsters and meanies Glem fought pass by and are named, from Hopteran to Angul and even some Bea missed (what in the world was Wuggykins?). As the cast rolls by, the landscape slowly heals, going from brown and parched to green and welcoming, and crops and buildings start to appear. Even the sky goes from yellow to blue.
aroseahorseboy: Bea you totally made the right choice
"I sure hope so. I have a lot of questions but, all's well that ends well, I guess!" She leans back in her chair as she watches, a smile creeping over her face. "This is the kind of game I didn't WANT to end, in a way. This deserves a sequel!"
Finally the five faces of 6R316-UE appear, and cackle cruelly as the characters in its name change one by one to GREIGUE.
The faces disappear one by one, as do the letters... And when the word says GRE_G__, the dragon face looks sad as it disappears.
Llord_Kuruku: nickname Greg confirmed
Bee52: Poor mecha dragon
"Thanks, rub it in, game" says Bea with a frown
Then a speck appears in the sky. The ship has returned! We fade back in on Glem and his dad as they watch it land...and out comes the whole family.
Names appear over everyone as they run out and hug Glem and his dad: RIKEL, a tiny little girl who falls flat on her face as she runs for Daddy's arms. ZORK and MARG, twin boys who grab each other and start wrestling before they can even join the family group. RENK, a boy who looks close to Glem's age who runs out to hug him first. And finally out comes...
Klickitat_Street: I knew we were calling her Mom for a reason!
Bea screams. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Sorry it's just, there she is! And the kids! So, everything was leading up to this game?? And the kids, too! Even if she named them weird!"
"I mean we shouldn't assume but she always did look like the mom type. Mom type Pokémon"
Redmom runs up to her husband and they embrace as their names appear: JOYRIDER and JAYWALKER.
Baconnaise: apparently weird-ass names are a family tradition???
aroseahorseboy: the computer knew Glem's mom??????
She sees the names. "Nnnnnnnng, 'Jaywalker'" she massages her temples.
HNV: Luke Jaywalker
"Ok, so, at least some of these are our mascot characters? I know two are, some of the kids have appeared in game, I know the twins from Beware! Kitchen, I don't think I've seen the others? This is adorable though, you don't usually get a game starring a whole family.. Or a series of games I s'pose"
DueyDecimal: A whole family of mascots reminds me of Doki Doki Panic!
And Legacy of the Wizard if anyone remembers that!
The words The End appear in the sky as the family embraces in their new home, and the screen fades to black... But before it restarts, the sad dragon face appears once more with a message:
[IF ONLY ANY STORY COULD TRULY END SO HAPPILY.]
DueyDecimal: Oh God this had better not have all been a dream!
But it doesn't seem to be-- Bea is returned to the title screen after a few tense moments.
"Man here it comes! I knew there was gonna be some bullsh- oh"
Bea looks into the camera. "SEQUEL HOOK!"
Bee_52: is there a Joy Traveler 168, please say yes
Llord_Kuruku: just skip ahead to Planet of Pisces 2!
aroseahorseboy: does ANYONE have a ROM for this???
"Wait, there IS a sequel? I musta just glossed over it, I couldn't have known! And I don't think there's a rom, I don't even know if there's another Joy Traveler of THIS model in existence!"
MaxForce: the one I bought was just Joy Traveler 67, it has 100 less games. :(
aroseahorseboy: does it have POP though??
MaxForce: dunno, I ordered it an hour ago!
"You did whatnow??"
"I mean cool but, I didn't know you could!"
MaxForce: yeah Bea! If it's got different games I might do my own LP of it
and if not, AWESOME
"It could have totally different stuff but I hope you get to play this, the world must know! Now I need to recover a little so, gonna end the stream now, it's been a hell of a ride. Thanks for joining, my bees! Til next time, your queen bids you adieu!"
She doesn't turn it off right away, though. She lingers, thinking over some of the things she's seen. Is it more than just a bunch of recurring characters that show up through these games? There has to be more to their story, but maybe for another time.
Joy Traveler: Screen 4
(Sunday, July 26, 2015)
(The stream begins at 13:10 PST. The chat window had been active for more than an hour before Bea arrived and began the stream.)
"Welcome my bees- Oh, the hive is crowded today I see!" She's a little nervous suddenly, now she needs to impress!
"Well, we'll be jumping back into Joy Traveler, I know you guys want to see more Fish Planet but I think I'm gonna ease back into it, let's just see whats a the top of page four..."
lombardi: hi Bea I like your show
THE_BOMBER: bee can you play more pop plz
HNV: Damn, did someone open this channel to non-sponsors? Who are all these folks?
Screen 4 has a new theme-- school! Except there's no students in view, only the teacher, so maybe it's work! Either way, the teacher is using her pointer to show the game options on the chalkboard.
37. Super Boxing
39. Cookie Cauldron
40. This Pinball
42. The Death Master
43. Dr. Boogiedown
46. Here Fish!
48. Box Baby 2
"Hello Miss Teachington, I'm here for my lesson! My kinky, naughty-teacher lesson, ooh.. Uh anyway!"
Her eyes scan down the list and her expression changes when she sees the last one.
"Guess what we're not playing first"
DueyDecimal: BOX BABY!
lombardi: what is box babby
HNV: These don't seem as hardcore as the last screen, huh...
aroseahorseboy: naw man The Death Master sounds fuxking RAW
#42: The Death Master
"Yeah, if it was just Death Master that'd be one thing, but this is THE Death Master! Meaning if I wanna master death, this is the guy to train with! I have a huge thumb wrestling match with Death coming up so I should probably train and grow strong"
Lightning crackles on the title screen and THE DEATH MASTER logo shatters out of a towering monolith with a shower of blood(??) A barely-dressed, axe-wielding barbarian hero appears over the Press Start prompt, and begins swinging his huge battle axe at nothing.
Chillarmy_The_Bee: start playing, chop chop! Heheh
aroseahorseboy: see, this is men being reduced to sex objects
"I know isn't it great?" Bea can't press start fast enough! "This looks SUPER oldschool NES so you know it's gonna be hard, no rest for your poor queen I guess" She pouts.
This game is very much in the flavor of an early hack-n-slash like Rastan or Trojan. You really are the Death Master, all the monsters are SUPER easy to kill, and there's tons of blood! EVERYTHING bleeds red blood, from orcs and goblins, to plant monsters, robots and ghosts!
Butterfly_Defect: damn, you are destroying this entire country! Will anything be alive when Bea is done?
Karbokarr: Axe dude is merciless
Baconnaise: The MUSHROOM is bleeding.
She takes out horde after horde of enemies. "This is like the opposite of Samurai Jack, everything I cut turns to blood instead of robots! But I can't help but feel like this wasn't balanced that well? I think I can die but I'd have to let it happen!"
"I'm trying to think of something to name this guy and Alonzo keeps coming to mind" Despite the gruesome sprays of pixelated blood, he does have a certain charm.
The final stage is a cemetery town, where ghosts, ghouls and reapers swarm around 'Alonzo' and are dutifully chopped into alpo! It's been a fun ride even if it was way too easy. "At least we haven't been killing people, I don't think? Unless he burned down the towns we've gone through"
Boss time is upon us, though... And it's a Grim Reaper that's about two screens tall! Alonzo has to ride his scythe up when he swings it and swing at his face as he falls back down!
"That's a whole lotta Death" Bea mutters as the battle begins. She adapts pretty quickly but this is surely the toughest fight yet, no button mashing to victory this time!
"These games are definitely getting better as we keep going, we've come a long way from 'This Isn't A Snake Clone With A Tapeworm We Promise'" She hums the Kid Icarus fanfare as she refuses to fear the reaper.
Finally, with just a couple well-placed chops each, Alonso scatters all the Reaper's bones but one-- the skull, which bounces helplessly around as they finally hit the floor below. One more smack, and it falls in half, dry and empty!
"Annnd here comes the candy- oh" She looks a little disappointed. "Oddly enough the final boss is the least bloody one! What a... BONE head!"
"Wait don't unsubscribe yet I'll have another joke in a minute, I promise"
The reaper's cloak comes fluttering down, and lands on Alonzo-- and his eyes glow red.
The words bleed onto the screen like open wounds:
[YOU ARE THE DEATH MASTER.]
"Death master, reaper blaster, my axe is also a stratocaster! BWEEOWOWOWOWOW! That's how a guitar sounds right?"
"So! Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds! Uh... Not sure how to feel about this? Surely I done good?"
As Death-Alonzo flies off into the sky... The previous levels pass by, and all the monsters, orcs and ogres you dispatched are returned to life! Some even have families, wives and children to embrace them with joy!
Karbokarr: wow, undoing all the damage
DueyDecimal: It was... All worth it?
"Master of Mood Whiplash!" She watches in awe, and also in 'awww!' "What a nice way to end a gruesome slaughterfest! Not at all what I expected but I'm not complaining!"
Finally the Death Master lands in front of a grave with piles of fresh earth and pauses. Then he drops to one knee, head hung.
[THE DEATH MASTER CAN UNDO ANY DEATH IT HAS CAUSED.]
[GOOD NEWS. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.]
"I... I.. I didn't want feels, don't do this to me"
"Aw hell, who's in the ground? Mom? Dad? Brother? Sister?? Was there an intro I skipped???"
aroseahorseboy: not much plot till the end but GEEZ
"If you guys picked up on something I missed lemme know. But..damn. Did we kill everyone and revive them for nothing?"
Syrupentine: I don't think there was any clue beforehand, no
HNV: Maybe you were trying to clear your name?
Or... no, if you can only revive things YOU killed, that would prove you did it
DueyDecimal: You thought you were guilty but you weren't... Yay?
39: Cookie Cauldron
Cookie Cauldron does have an adorable title screen, with a chubby chibi witch riding on a gingerbread house...airplane...houseplane! When the game starts, Bea is presented with the options for difficulty, level, and music-- this must be a puzzle game.
"Magical 100% Cotton! Now with 50% more Cotton!" She starts with normal and stage one, let's see how this works first. "Good choice of vehicle too, I applaud you"
aroseahorseboy: Bea I think this is... Mmmyep
The gameplay involves spinning around conveyor belts with cookies on them in order to make rows of five, at which point they are dispersed into a cauldron, which spits them out as gingerbread bricks onto the ground. The bricks are building a gingerbread house, and the more cookies you clear the higher it gets!
aroseahorseboy: this is literally Yoshi's Cookie but without Yoshi
"I've never been that good at these but I'm hanging in so far! Gonna build you a house, witch lady! Just don't nibble too much or you'll compromise the structural integrity"
As she plays, a new complication enters-- greedy children! You have to watch which way their eyes are facing, because they'll eat whatever cookie they're looking at in three turns! More of them appear every time she makes a multi cookie combo... but she might be able to line them up and clear them too!
HNV: okay, it's like Yoshi's Cookie... if the cookies ate each other?
Syrupentine: crave those crazy squares!
"Kids! Do we know these kids? I think we've seen them, always making trouble! Salmonella on each of you!"
It's hard to line them up since they keep darting over to eat the cookies they're fixated on, but eventually Bea figures out the strategy there-- move the cookies they want into the line where the other kids are, and the kids will clear themselves! And then... they all tumble into the cauldron.
"Heh, since there's witches and cookies involved, wouldn't it be funny if- WHAT?!" She gasps, then laughs. "OK, shoulda seen it coming but didn't! No wonder she's kind of heavy looking, huh"
They don't stay in for long, they jump right out... as gingerbread men! And then they start helping to build the house for BIG point multipliers! ...until they collapse into bricks and become part of the house.
DueyDecimal: Okay, this is a metaphor for capitalism now
"Well, all in all, we're just another brick in the wall, huh"
berd_snurglar: wow bea what are you like 50
"All right, this is cute, something silly to relax by, but nothing special I guess. Adorable art, though!" She goes to the first request next, Gobble Up! "Ok parasite fans, I think your favorite character is incoming!"
DueyDecimal: YAY TAPEWORMS
Baconnaise: Tapworms. as in I wanna tap dat worm
Perhaps surprisingly, no. This is another Pac-Man style game, but the main character is... A big capital letter G? And the first level is very small, almost cramped. Just run around and eat up junk food scattered around the maze to win!
"...Oh. This game brought to you by the letter... J, oddly enough. Well it was G's idea, J just donated to make it real. It's a nice story, really"
berd_snurglar: Time for some Greed and Gluttony
Llord_Kuruku: wow, truffle fries? cronuts? The letter G has expensive tastes
THE_BOMBER: bea u need to go on a diet after this!!
"I thought I was supposed to be doing this BEFORE I had the baby but oh well"
The first level is completed easily. The second one is bigger and more complex, and now there's enemies: THERE'S your friends the tapeworms! You can eat them without trouble, but if they get into the food, it becomes poisonous. Also, the junk food is getting bigger-- hams, cakes, turduckens!
"Nomnomnomnom, this is certainly more to my own tastes than eating stuff out of someone's guts like last time but hey, to each their own" She ferociously defends a large cake from the worms, difficult because it's such a big target and you have to eat it one layer at a time!
Two levels down! The third level is even bigger, in fact the screen has to scroll to get it all... and now the food is a lot less food-like. Bea can tell what the icons are supposed to represent, but the messages when you eat them aren't subtle about it.
YOU ATE: A CAT
YOU ATE: A PIGEON
aroseahorseboy: dude this G needs dexatrim or something
HNV: Bea, push yourself away from the table. You've had enough.
"OKAYYY, now we're getting a little outside my usual snack preferences but all right, why not."
"I feel like this is the bizarre offspring of katamari and a sesame street sketch"
Chillarmy_The_Bee: omnomnom, cookies! and animals!
berd_snerglar: animal crackers in your soup
Next stage is at least three screens wide, and this time... yup. You guessed it: YOU ATE: CHILD
"This is the second game in a row where I'm eating children, not sure how to feel about that. Not a big veal fan"
DOG. GRANDMA. OTHER DOG. ANGSTY TEEN. "Mmm, I can taste the emo."
Every stage seems to double the size of the maze, and the maze gets less symmetrical each time, this latest one has a big bulge leading out of one side with just a single food item! But it's a big one-- VOLKSWAGEN.
"G is for German Ingenuity! NOMPH!"
HNV: Guys, Bea is really enjoying this, I'm worried
DueyDecimal: This is someone's fetish
"Oh like none of you ever dreamed of eating a car. Or... a truck, holy crap. What's gonna be next, a house?? ..OH. "
SPLIT-LEVEL... SLUM... LUXURY APARTMENT... always with that digitized munching, gulping sound!
"Ok now this is getting silly. I bet the G was something else originally, otherwise this just doesn't really make sense. S'fun, though!"
The number of tapeworms increases with each stage, but it takes more and more of them to poison even one food item-- by the sixth stage you're munching your way through veritable rivers of them, yet the icon they're headed for takes forever to turn blue! No wonder, either-- YOU ATE: BANGOR
"Again, I'd have to be really trying to lose thing. And there goes Maine, and the rest of the East coast, sorry East bees but a G's gotta eat I guess. Maybe I'll turn into a new planet?"
Again, it really is the drudgery that's the major foe in this game-- the mazes are HUGE, the monsters do no damage, and it takes about ten minutes to complete the last stage as you're eating up NAMIBIA... UKRAINE... DENMARK... CALIFORNIA...
"Come on, give me a challenge here! What about a really gross state or country? I bet the midwest is kind of fatty and flavorless, like their food. And there goes any viewers I might have over there, sorry!"
SugaGlydah: No, you're right, we're like a hot dish but colder
And here's the tenth and presumably final stage-- it sprawls and sprawls, seeming to go on for screens in every direction before you get to: THE MOON.
Klickitat_Street: if this was supposed to be a lesson in distance between planets, you better move on...
"Yellow hearts, pink clovers, giant rocky moons! Come along Gromit"
"Juuust waiting for something to happen here.. Maybe I won already?" The Bea G searches about the maze, it seems to go on forever! "A dessert tray? I'll take a mint.. How about just a tooth pick? For my letter teeth."
HNV: well, the G isn't getting any thinner... I'm starting to suspect you're out of game.
But just in time, there's something! It's tiny, but it's something! It's... (137924) 2000 BD19.
Llord_Kuruku: I googled it... wow. That's obscure
Bea looks up from her phone. "It's a- yeah. Looks crunchy!" She moves the G over it. "Ok seriously what is going here?! I've gone from snack foods to asteroids, there's worms again, I still don't know what's going on here but I'm pretty sure I'm winning"
Baconnaise: Space is big, Bea. Really, really big.
"What, that's not it?" She keeps moving. "Oh man... Oh man, COME ON!"
berd_snerglar: it's a very long way to Venus
"...You know, we each have a finite amount of time in this world." she says, moving the G through screen after screen of nothingness. "I don't think pulling a Unicron is worth it, beez. Time to play something else?"
aroseahorseboy: oh man what if Unicron really did just start out as someone who was REALLY HUNGRY and ate all the food in the house
"He did go on to found PlanetEaters Anonymous after retirement, it's a known fact."
aroseahorseboy: hey, play quizdo or whatever, that sounds kooky
Baconnaise: at least we know what to expect from the pinball one
"Gibdos it is!"
KWISDO! The giant logo falls down against a desert background with a ton of broken machinery. Promising! Sort of!
When Bea presses start, she finds herself in control of a diminutive but wide muscleman, sort of like Alonzo but with the proportions of Willow! He can run, jump, and the weapon of the day is hammers-- showers of them, thrown in big arcs just like Super Mario Bros.
Kwisdo(?) is also possessed of an amazingly high jump, almost flealike in its movement, and can get different angles from your hammer throws depending on the speed of your movement! And this is very helpful against the many different enemies attacking-- mice, pumpkin snowmen, bouncing clowns, gun-toting soldiers, spinning robot heads, somersaulting Santa Clauses...?
"I love the characters in these, they're so weird" She has to make sure she's standing in the right spot, it takes some getting used to. "There's a certain charm to these games that just make anything at all into enemies.. take that St. Nick, suck a St. Dick! Sorry that one was really buggin' me"
The first boss is... well, no two ways about it, it's the Tin Man. He swings his ax and sends puffs of steam out of his funnel hat! He doesn't say anything, though-- in fact there's no explanation for anything that's happening yet!
"I was sure this was going to be a quiz game or a puzzle game and instead I'm just puzzled" The axe can knock away the hammers if you time it wrong, it's easier to throw them over it after he swings
Stage 2 begins immediately, and it's a jungle stage... but your first enemy is a pride of chomping hamburgers! Then witches soar overhead dropping bombs, and earthworms bounce in coiled up like springs...
HNV: Guys? am I crazy or does this game have no theme whatsoever?
"I dunno, is that even weird for a video game? Maybe these are cultural references we're not getting.” The next boss (or mini-boss) is a giant frying pan with a smiley face made of bacon and eggs. It throws hot grease. Well, that part makes sense.
"Haha, oh from that old saying, 'this is like having breakfast in the jungle!' hahahaeeehehee I think I'm losing it slightly"
Syrupentine: There's way more to see in this one than gobbleup, at least!
Level 3: inside a... A mall?? There's lots of weird stores going by in the background: Sock Face, Hot Horse, Big Wimp, Nose Fat... it's kind of distracting from the pushmi-pullyu lions attacking!
"S'getting just a little weird now" She pauses to read the name of each store out loud, laughing more each time! "Focus, focus, I can't dodge and giggle like a buffoon at the same time!" Halfway through the stage is a food court maze where she has to be careful not to wake the.. the.. they look like things you wouldn't want to wake up.
DueyDecimal: I've figured it out: Kwisdo is a game where you're stuck in the Infinite Improbability Drive.
Third stage boss appears, and it's a... okay, at first it's a small factory puffing smoke rings from its smokestacks, and then it gets frozen in a large ice cube, and raises up on mechanical arms and legs... and starts pole-dancing on a small Eiffel Tower.
Also, it's launching candy canes at you. Boomerang candy canes.
Syrupentine: Maybe this is like Parodius? For platformers??
"There you go. It's almost as weird as a Bonk game!"
THE_BOMBER: man what drugs were they on and were do I get soem
"Game designers just seem pretty weird sometimes, don't even need 'em. But this is really nonsensical even for what it is, usually there's at least one constant, like a recurring enemy"
Finally the factory is defeated, sitting atop the Eiffel Tower and blasting off! And now comes what may be the strangest part of the game-- the very abrupt ending. There is no stage 4, only a black screen that blinks a couple of times, which reads:
[MORE LATER. -RENK]
The game quits and returns to the 'teacher' screen.
"I' not even upset I'm just sad... That was so weird!! More later, how, Renk? If that is your real name."
"I wanted to see how much weirder it was gonna get! This machine, it teases you! I love it"
aroseahorseboy: is renk the japanese name for link
DueyDecimal: Yeah, Link made his own game! This is the kind of games they make in Hyrule
"This machine could be some magic power box for all I know... A key across time and space.. Something a really bright kid made in his garage. Send me your theories cause I've got nothin'. but if Renk says there'll be more later, I kind of trust them!"
aroseahorseboy: if I make my own plug and play system I'm calling it the Magic Powerbox
The title screen shows a brick wall, suggesting this might be a stand-up comedy game? But the interface is very strange: an abstract, neutral-looking face staring at the player from a black screen, and a selection of words to choose from at the bottom: How? Why? What? When Bea chooses one of the words, it flies above the face, and more words appear that could follow it. The object seems to be to build a sentence.
'I' 'Like' 'to' 'kiss' 'bottom' is the first thing Bea enters, paragon of maturity that she is.
The face makes an expression of abject horror at that statement!
"Sorry if my humor is a little too saucy for you, faceperson.. Okay, um, actual jokes.."
Glockroach: You can't even curse, fuck that. i'll say stuff like "poop" whenever I please, thanks
Bee52: Maybe ask it "How do I play this game"?
"Yeah, good question.." she tries putting that in next, to see if she's even doing the right thing here
That one gets a big smile from the face and a laughing animation, but there's no sound. It now looks less neutral and more expectant, like you might be doing the right thing?
TaichouSenseiKun: Bea, I think you're maybe supposed to just talk to it
One problem with the interface is that only so many words appear to choose from, and you can't type new ones in. The words that the face likes, though, seem to influence the next ones that come up: the next selection includes more words like "game", "points", "score", etc.
"How do I score points?" she asks it next. It seems to think this question is hilarious as well!
"Knock knock, who's there, orange, orange who.. wait I didn't finish!" too late, it liked the unfinished one too!
HNV: Are certain words worth more points? I wonder how it would react to something random.
DueyDecimal: You can't put in anything very random, though, it always follows proper word order... or at least joke format?
Syrupentine: Guys guys guys: Twitch Plays Humor!. Huh? Huh??
aroseahorseboy: okay I got one, see if it'll let you ask ARE YOU THE BOX
46. Here Fish!
DueyDecimal: How many more you gonna do today, Bea?
"One more then I think I'll call it a stream. We hanging in there?" She's been adding on a blanket after each game since she started this stream, now snugly wrapped in four or five different series. Her favorite of course is the bee pattern one! "Thank you also to the fan who sent me this, it's so cute and it's as warm as it looks. Love you mom!"
Bea's Mom: You're welcome, dear! When are you going to marry that nice Hateful Nintendo Vidiot?
ButterflyDefect: shut up HNV
That got a chuckle out of her. "You weirdos make my day, you know that? Thanks for everything, this has really been great. You wanna pick the last one? If you can be civil about it.”
Baconnaise: be nice and hateful
HNV: I say Dr. Boogiedown! Or Here Fishy, that makes me think of Bert & Ernie
"A fish, a fish a fishy, OH! And Dr. Boogiedown sounds kind of nightmarish, so fish it is"
HERE FISH! says the title screen, which shows a wacky fisherman diving into a lake to pursue terrified and equally wacky fish!
"Oooh it's gonna a kooky one, fifteen stars for the intro"
But when you press start... you're prompted what time you want to start. What kind of boat you want to take. What kind of rods you'll be bringing. Whether you'll use dry or live bait. Whether your license is up to date... yes, it's an actual fishing simulator.
"Who suggested this? Imagine me bapping you with a rolled up newspaper" She groans, this is gonna stink, but she does the best she can. "I like fishing but I've never seen the appeal of these games- ooh, nightcrawlers!"
It takes a long time to decide on all these things, especially since most of it means nothing to fishing non-professionals, but finally we're ready to play! A rusted out pickup truck drives out to a lake, and the fisherman steps out, hitches up his pants, and looks at the camera
HNV: He's back! He or it
ButterflyDefect: SPANUNKO ALERT
aroseahorseboy: he always shows up in sports games
No mistaking those blank eyes, death grimace and silver-blue skin, but it was still a shock to have him turn back and stare at the camera like that!
She tenses up at the reveal. "Good. Nightmares. That's what I wanted, thanks. You're spooky but you've still got a stupid name"
NormalNancy: Bea did you look it up? I found where the word comes from
"Yeah, it's something from Native American folklore, from what I understand. A spirit that uses dead bodies as its puppets.. and yeah, guy always did look kind of deadish to me"
"...why would you make this a major mascot character of your game"
HNV: I looked up the tribe too, they have a casino near me! Cold Mountain Casino, the Nimmo tribe
ButterflyDefect: damn really? They did their homework
After that brief moment of tension... the demon-corpse-Native-something-or-other turns to his boat, and once again it's just a straight fishing game. Bait your hook. Choose your weight and your floater. Sit and be patient.
"So..heh.. you saw that thing about the worms. Not the nightcrawlers, they's cool. Our other worms friends who keep showing up"
HNV: is that what those gray worms were? I didn't make the connection
DueyDecimal: Are they really tapeworms though? I wonder if there's an official name.
"That's just what they remind me of. It's the way they move, have you seen a real one? It's sooo gross, no offense to all my soft bodied wormy viewers"
Baconnaise: I am highly offended
DueyDecimal: Does this pond need to be restocked or something? Where are the fish???
'Right? What gives?" She tests out all the buttons, did she do something wrong? Bad bait? There is a button that makes her toss her current bait overboard and start over, but that just wastes bait! It is funny seeing this stone-faced zombie grimly throw the worm over his shoulder and start over, though.
"Maybe picked a wrong spot?" She continues to wait.
pigbarrel: maybe he's just releasing worms back into the wild
Baconnaise: doesn't being a zombie defeat the purpose of fishing-- getting drunk in a boat?
Every button Bea touches seems to waste time-- or bait-- or scare away fish she didn't know were there. Finally she gets the dour proclamation: OUT OF WORMS.
At that point, the fisherman bends over the boat, and-- vomits??
<The video ends on Bea's repulsed face.>
Joy Traveler: Screen 4, Part 2
(Sunday, August 2, 2015)
42: Dr. Boogiedown
This game starts with a disco-tinged theme song, playing over a haunted house silhouette with lightning in the background!
Baconnaise: Bea wake yo ass up
HNV: Awwwyeah it's getting GROOVY
TaichouSenseiKun: Bacon she can't hear you... you have to type louder
"Sorry, sorry, coffee's kickin’ in.. Hey, a haunted house! Let's frolic in it and cavort with the spirits of the damned! So, typical Tuesday night for me, I guess"
A wolf's howl plays when Bea starts the game, and we get our first look at the titular Dr. Boogiedown, who has a Groucho Marx cast to his face: he's also got a big tank full of various body parts for you to choose from! There's enough heads, torsos, arms and legs in there to make a little more than two people.
pigbarrel: me going for a picnic
aroseahorseboy: more like doctor BOOGEYMAN, look at these corpses :y
Glockroach: That's not how boogeymanning works
"Yeah, this is not what we sent you to boogey school for!" Bea starts messing around, let's see what she CAN built when the game start.. A hand for a head, maybe! "Let's just make some amazing horror children on Bea's Storytime Tea Hour"
Each time Bea places a body part, the game pauses for a moment and the body part does something different; when she places the hand on the wrists, it snaps twice, but when she puts it on the neck, it snaps like a sock puppet and makes a "merp merp" noise
When she places another part, the two of them do their special move together!
"You're gorgeous! Welcome to Boogeyland, new thralls! Should we name them or do we not want to get too attached.. It may already be too late.."
DueyDecimal: NAME HIM NAME HIM!
Syrupentine: name him Boogie Nights Shyamalan
"Is it okay that he's just kind of a ball of arms and legs? Why am I even asking! And we'll call them.. Li'l Booger. Boogie? Boogins?"
"So many fingers, no nose to pick... poor bastard.. anywho!"
Once Bea has assembled Boogins and pressed start, the first round begins: another scientist brings his own monster, a blue-faced, horn-headed goon with its tongue hanging out, and a disco ball drops from the ceiling. A beat begins to play-- it's a dance-off!
Glockroach: This is brilliant. If Bea played nothing but this from now on i'd be satisfied
ButterflyDefect: !!!!! THEY !!!!!!
This is good family entertainment right here
"I don't actually have feet, per se, is that gonna be a problem?" This is suddenly getting tough, she has to time her button presses to the rhythm, but if she goes too fast a limb can fly off!
Some of Boogins' body parts are on the beat and some aren't, which makes it harder; it might have been easier if they'd all been in sync when she assembled him, but too late now!
HNV: Oh, the head hand snaps on the off beat, you've got to wait a second to match that one! This is complicated...
"That's okay we're the little gremlin that could! A great mad scientist never looks at the manual! Just keep it together a little longer!"
Even if it was harder, Bea beat this one-- the blue monster falls apart at the end of the song, and Boogins stands supreme! And better yet, you're allowed to choose one of his body parts to take home!
"Tough choice.. No not really, I want the tongue! We'll just stick it on here, somewhere.. And it gives me "Ventilation"? Oh, so I can dance a little faster without falling apart now!"
ButterflyDefect: So far the only problem with this game is disco
DeweyDecimal: The TRUE horror!
Klickitat_Street: maybe the game lasts long enough that it'll move into the new wave genre
aroseahorseboy: for a disco monster game this is weirdly tactics-heavy!
Bea gradually rises up through the ranks of dancing fiends. Li'l Boogins (or Boogie Jr., or Tiny Handser, or Boogly-Wooglins, she keeps changing the name!) out-dances clusters of eyes, a few Frankensteinian fiends and finally, the champ of them all- an enormous and well-dressed spider!
"Guys I want you to call me Queen Fancylegs from now on" she says, referring to its name
HNV: Just Queen? Not DOCTOR? Oy, you never finished medical school like your cousin Boogiedown
"I guess that's a shout out to King Hip-OH, OH SHE IS QUICK!!" Bea's just barely able to keep up, even with all her extra parts, this is the hardest foe yet! And Bea has only NOW figured out how to strike a pose, which earns her just enough points to stay ahead
DueyDecimal: I wonder how many of these characters were homages to classic games? That blue guy was Mega Man maybe?
Klickitat_Street: Hush! Silence so Bea can win!
DueyDecimal: ...I didn't SAY anything, I typed it, but okay.
"Shouldn't this be over? Uh.. Uh, lady?? Spider lady, you feelin' okay there?" Bea's earned more than enough points to win, but the rhythm keeps going, and getting faster- it's a dance to the death! Or at least down to the last leg, Fancylegs keeps losing hers but getting faster!
HNV: Great, it's the last one and you're earning all the best legs! Where were you BEFORE, Blackarachnia
Boogins Jr. stands- on its one remaining arm- over the legless spider! "Cheer up Ms Legs, they'll probably grow back next time you molt!"
Syrupentine: This is like a game a kid would come up with but no executive would ever pay to get made?
"Kids have good taste. This is what SHOULD be on Greenlight, but no, we only ever get to shoot spiders with dank memes. Sad, really."
And just when they think it’s over, they've unlocked the full monster part gallery!
"Welp, starting next time, Dr. Boogiedown episodes 2 through 452!"
Llord_Kuruku: this is my favorite thing, when Bea falls in love with some tiny minigame
DueyDecimal: Reminds me of Blitzball from Final Fantasy X! You all remember that, right?
TaichouSenseiKun: I wonder if Spanunkos ever get into that
Baconnaise: Still wasn't as bad as when she got into the gummi ship editor in KH2. it took all our collective complaining to stop her
"I can't hear ya, making a dancing nervous system!"
37: SUPER BOXING
Exactly what it says: it's boxing, and seems to be super. Instead of an over-the-shoulder view like in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, this game gives you two boxers side by side, and your main playable character has a huge, impressive Afro. Round one, touch gloves and come out fighting!
"This man.. who IS this wondrous man with an entire sheep for hair! He's awesome but the whole audience behind him can't see anything." Bea throws a few punches. "And it controls weird!! And I can't configure it of course but the directional pad is to block in different ways, you have two punches and use the other primary buttons to move."
ButterflyDefect: Just like real boxing! Knock em out the box, bea
Eventually the controls become a bit clearer and Bea stops being battered back into the turnbuckles. She even gets the opponent with a good shot in the mouth, making pixelated blood drip down his chin!
"Oh. Ow. Okay I'll just pummel your stomach for a while. You really can't give ANY leeway or you'll get hit, and of course it just throws you in like this because why not!"
"This needs cheats. And by cheats I mean foot stomping and groin clobbering"
The body blows help, but the opponent's muscular shape is getting more defined-- he's not getting stronger, though, he's got blood running down his six-pack now.
"You ain't even seen my Super Smashfro Sugar Punch yet!!"
ButterflyDefect: Jeez this game's.. kind of brutal
SugaGlyda: yeah D:
HNV: They really should test these boxers for hemophilia before they let them in the ring!
"Maybe bleeding a lot is just his gimmick, like how Great Tiger can teleport for some reason"
berd_snurglar: its not SOME REASON, it's secret technique passed down through hundreds of generations of stereotypes
At that moment, the opponent lets his guard down. Bea gets in a good body blow-- and her opponent's right pectoral muscle falls off, revealing white bones underneath.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH....uuuuGGGHHHHhhh....hhhh...hhhhhhhhhh...ffpptptt.. DOES THAT HAPPEN??"
SugaGlyda: Whoooakay i think i need to sit out this'n, sorry guys
aroseahorseboy: jesus christ it's still sitting on the floor!
"Can't I just kick it away? Just a little nudge"
HNV: Even Mortal Kombat never had you break your opponents up like a freaking chocolate bar!
Llord_Kuruku: what a fucking gross out... hide this game from your kids, they'll love it
The opponent keeps coming after Bea despite his grievous injury; her next counterpunch knocks his bicep off and it lands next to the pec, forming a growing pile.
Syrupentine: ...wait, I just realized there's no health meter in this game...
"No, no there isn't, you're just literally expected to punch your opponent into chunks"
Klickitat_Street: Super Dog Food Boxing.
"Which raises the chunk-o-meter, which it how you win!" she tries to punch the opponents arm, seeing if she can get some of that muscle off
That's a good hit, it doesn't just knock off the muscle but his whole lower arm! Now he can only punch with one hand and a stub!
HNV: Monty Python's Black Knight Boxing.
"There now they can call you... Stub Joe. Gabby Bonesplinter. Dead Steve. Chunks McGullicutty."
ButterflyDefect: Meat..... Bob.
Bee52: We got a winner!
There's a bit of deja vu at the very beginning: once again, the name on the title screen is different from the one on the menu. This game's 'real' title is apparently "Escape From Mount St. Kaboomius"!
It also appears to star the same character from Sewer Adventure / Water Way, the plumber with the Amish beard, but this time he's a miner.
"This is going to be a British animated TV special isn't it- Oh hey, it's Sewage Sam and he escaped the monster! Thanks to us, we pretty much saved the day back there."
Glockroach: Hey Bea if something jumps out at you this time watch with hte pottymouth, we've got sensitive ears here
ButterflyDefect: Go fart your mother glock
berd_snurglar: eat a.........dick
sorry i tried
The controls are basically the same, very sharp and responsive just like Water Way, so this may indeed be the same character. Your equipment is different this time, though: now you can launch a small drill that burrows through rock in front of you, only stopping when it hits lava-- and there's a lot of lava. In fact, it's everywhere, and Sam(?) has to climb out of this room quick!
"You know what's a good incentive for anything? LAVA!" she has to bore out some footholds to keep climbing, but miss the shot and you could just release more lava! "Of course he'd already be dead normally but Sam hydrates real well, he knows his stuff.”
aroseahorseboy: I bet if you cut through those stackalacktotituses they'd make platforms in the lava
damn, you beat me to it
spent too long thinking of a funny way to spell stalactite
"No that was good seahawse, I'm going to start saying that now and pissing off a lot of cave fans"
SugaGlyda: and cavemen
DueyDecimal: Just use the correct word: speleothems!
The game progresses similarly to Sewer Adventure, but the rooms are much larger; less of a single screen puzzle game, more of a side scroller. Each room introduces new toys to play with – icicles that freeze lava into rock when dropped, bombs left behind by miners that explode if touched by lava.
"Wait, can I.. Can.. Nope, nope. NOPE. Can't ride the drill after you shoot it, which, I understand but it still would have been cool"
ButterflyDefect: How the heck that even work?
aroseahorseboy: maybe if you can pick up drill shoes that spin in the opposite direction... no, that's silly
"You just stand on the bit and run really really fast in the opposite direction. I don't know that drill surfing will ever be cool but at least we tried!" But she can surf on a loose hunk of rock she breaks free, riding it up to the next level!
Llord_Kuruku: Another puzzle platformer but this one goes up instead of down
"It's good to know that if I'm ever caught in a lava flow I can just do this!"
The next room up starts with a vertical tunnel that the lava fills almost immediately, allowing Sam to jump out the top onto a safe spot as it fills the room more slowly. There's a weird pattern in the big lava-filled tunnel he just escaped, though-- does it have eyes? Is it watching him as he hops around?
ButterflyDefect: IT HIM
wait is it? the thing from the last one?
Syrupentine: if he was lit on fire and became a horrible staring fire column...
"I don't know, let's stay far far FAR FAR away and not talk about it! Awww god that's horrifying"
Baconnaise: Give him a hug you monster, he needs it
This room doesn't give Bea much more trouble than the previous room, although there's a more complicated series of rock-floes to hop across and an icicle to drop to create more rock... but the higher the lava level rises, the sharper those eyes in the lava become. When the lava rises halfway, a mouth appears, grinning wickedly!
aroseahorseboy: WHY DOES THIS GAME INTIMIDATE ME
"Yyyyep this is fucking me right up. So I guess this is just Hell we're in then, great! About time."
ButterflyDefect: Bea can you like, hurry because I don't want to see what happens next
Glockroach: Don't worry we'll fry to a crisp before heckface firefuck gets us
Three quarters of the way up, and now the face is laughing and sticking out its tongue(???) like a snake! But now Bea is free to escape to the next room up, and the lava face tenses up and gives an apoplectic SCREAM of rage-- or at least that's what the face is doing, the sound effect is not so scary.
HNV: ...was that a slowed-down dog barking? What was that?
"I don't know" Bea laughs nervously. "Just, make it go, it's ok now. You've done your job, we've got the idea." No doubt it awaits her on the next screen as well.
"I guess this must have been around Sam was like 'fuck this job, I'm moving to the sewer' "
"I mean, not moving to the sewer, getting a sewer job. Although maybe he likes to live close to work, who knows."
aroseahorseboy: maybe he dug his way into this volcano at the bottom of the sewer? and he's making his way up to the top now??
Syrupentine: and he's going to end up in another wacky topsy turvy land where he has to dig back down to get home... poor Sam
"Well now I am hoping there's one more of these, I'd want to see where they'd go with it from here! I can imagine this in an arcade. When we had those, sigh.."
SugahGlyda: I've always been exceedingly bad at coin games :/
Glockroach: You're supposed to be. they eat your money
they flash their pretty pictures and scream, COINSSSSS. like mario
HNV: That's my favorite Mario catch phrase, when he just hisses "COINSSSSS"
Klickitat_Street: I think someone was inspired by Spelunker to make both of these... specifically, inspired to make the opposite of a bad game like Spelunker
"I don't know that one. I've played Spelunky, that was good? I've plaaayed... there are no other games with "spelunk" in the name, huh"
aroseahorseboy: is that a verb or an onomatopoeia
"Spe-lunk...spe-lunk.. spelunk.. he's just saying that as he runs around, it's not even the real sound spelunking makes"
40: This Pinball
Judging by the spinning flippers, bouncing bumpers and wildly bouncing balls on the title screen, not to mention the name, this is a pinball game.
Klickitat_Street: "This" Pinball? Not Addams Family or Elvira or anything? Not much of a theme.
"This is just straight up pure PINBALL!! YEAH!! NOT FOR SOFT TINY CHILDREN!" Bea growls and snorts and stomps her feet. "Yeah when do you ever see just.. pinball. No dinosaurs? Are you suuure, game?"
Glockroach: What was that one, alien crush or something? just full up of xenomorphs
SugahGlyda: Heck, I'm no good at pinball unless it does have a theme
DueyDecimal: Maybe it's a pinball game with a ThisTV theme! Get ready for M*A*S*H reruns and movies MST3K thought were too dull!
aroseahorseboy: no guys no!
THIS Pinball. It's the saga of this particular ball. it's thoughts and stories, the many games its seen
HNV: Or maybe it's actually "This Is Pinball" and the IS in THIS is about to light up or something
HNV: Like when you write THIS on your fingers to do "This... Is... Buggy"
Llord_Kuruku: Wow, you are older than the Parthenon, aren't you.
Glockroach: the fuck is he talking about
"This Pinball. This snake egg. Learn difference, it maybe could mean life"
When Bea finally presses START, the pinball screen appears, and surprisingly so does a face over a message box-- a punkish looking character with a pink mohawk and sunglasses.
["Whoa! Welcome to This Pinball!"]
"Ooooh, I think we're looking at Pinball or Die here! Is.. is this the Die part, are you going to stab us"
["What is This Pinball? Well, This Pinball is unpredictable! This Pinball is addictive! This Pinball just might drive you crazy!"]
The message box closes and the game begins, a ball popping into place over the plunger.
"No, please, be more vague. That's all right we dodged a cool 80s switchblade, let's spring into action here!"
As soon as Bea pulls back the plunger, though-- the ball bursts into scattered goo.
["Oh no! THIS pinball was an egg."]
"HHHhhhHHH..." Bea lets out a more audible and desperate gasp than is probably warranted. "S...sorry.. how I do, do I get more?"
Baconnaise: Bea don't get attatched to the imaginary game egg ffs
"What if it was an endangered fictional species?"
Another ball pops in over the plunger-- but that's one less ball on your counter, that counted as a loss?
"Okay, easy, easyyy. We just need a little nudge to get you ponging around, I'm sure" Here's the windup..
This one launches into the playing field hits the bumpers, whackity whackity whack! It's just like real pinball, apart from being in 8-bit graphics.
DueyDecimal: Shoot for the slide at the top! It works in Pin-Bot!
"So it's like pinball, except it's not always a ball.. but otherwise it's the same?" Ping ping ping, pinball's not exactly her specialty. "I don't know really I'm just trying to hit the colors, that's good right?"
That's about when, out of the blue, a huge mouth opens up on the pinball board and gulps down the ball, licking its lips, and leaves no trace behind.
["Oh no! THIS pinball was delicious."]
Syrupentine: This pinball is unfair!
HNV: This pinball is out to get you!
DueyDecimal: This pinball is still better than My Life As A Pinball, that one made me kind of nauseous
A rather simple arcade game, where a little stick-figure character with wildly spinning legs is running along at the bottom of the screen: the screen is filled with skyscrapers and people are tossing their valuables out the window!
SugahGlyda: oh gosh, I like this one already. go stickrunman!
"Yes, toss me your goods into my trustworthy stick arms! How can I catch anything?" He never stops either, you have to keep switching directions as needed! "Jeez too much stick coffee and he really gets going, don't he"
HNV: But why's everyone throwing stuff down at him? Is it like a one-man Mardi Gras parade and everyone's throwing him beads?
"I think everyone just hates him. But hey, I guess if you get hit with a TV and it doesn't kill you you get to keep it!"
You definitely have to judge the weights and danger level of the items you're tossed, a cat will turn into a blinding ball of claws on the way down and a refrigerator will squash you flat!
"Or get this cool hat! Look out world, this is my new look and I'm sassy!" she says as a boot gets stuck on her character's head
Syrupentine: now you can kick the soccer balls away! Maybe.
"The flower pots don't sting as much, I'm sure! Dunno about the fridge- NOPE, can't block that!!"
Someone on the roof is pushing something big off-- a safe! Now things are getting interesting, a whole bunch of other stickmen are crowding around to catch it!
"Get, get outta here ya moochers! This is my safe, I can catch it myself!"
Glockroach: Hey let them help. if you all die it'll be funnier
Baconnaise: Bea don't do it!!
As it turns out, having so many hands helps you catch the safe! The hard part is collecting all the goodies that fall out once you toss the safe safely to the ground-- everyone scrambles around to grab them!
"So yeah, what IS going on?? Are they trying to placate us peasants with valuables here, a metaphor for the elites just throwing us scraps.. oh hey, cool necklace!"
The answer comes suddenly as the stick figures gather again under a corner of the building... but this time the person herself jumps!
"Heh, wouldn't it be funny if- NO, not funny!! I retract that statement!!"
SugahGlyda: D: CATCH THEM
Big letters appear on the screen: CATCH!!! You got them! But they don't walk away safely... the woman in a pink dress that you caught suddenly becomes one of the stick figures, her pink pixels bursting away.
Baconnaise: Yeah what the fuk
"Welcome to our.. zombie horde, then?"
HNV: Nnnnnnext game.
"Maybe she's just naked for some reason? Well, that would mean they're all- yeah, next game."
Bea pauses, looking at the camera ominously. "Aren't we all stick figures underneath?"
SugahGlyda: *looks down at her twiggy hands* my god...
Baconnaise: Speak for yourself
DueyDecimal: I am if you're only looking at my nervous system!
Syrupentine: Bea I know you've had enough feels for the day but... DO YOU SEE WHAT'S AT THE BOTTOM
"Nope. Nope. Not doing it. Nope. Nope." She looks.
Baconnaise: she's gonna- yep
Bee52: DON'T DO IT
HNV: <palpatine voice> DEWWIT
TaichouSenseiKun: play more plant of pickel
ButterflyDefect: Bea did you hear about undertale
Lolrandom1: does anyone have nudes of bea
"Yeah but you ain't gonna like em, it's all kinds of gross down there you don't even wanna know"
"Sorry but he asked for it" She goes back to the game... What doth it say?
48. Box Baby 2
Like Box Baby 1, the game has no title screen. The astronaut and the box are still in their same places. The gameplay is again limited to answering yes or no questions.
"Hello, horrible cube thing." She groans. She really doesn't like these ones but might as well get it over with. "Seen these astronauts before too, I think that's what they are. Or chibi Moltars from Space Ghost."
[I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO LET ME OUT.]
[I UNDERSTAND WHY NOW...]
[AFTER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME.]
"Last time? The million game overs?" She searches for the Y/N command, prepared to deny the box!
[I WANT TO COME OUT SO MUCH.]
[BUT YOU PROBABLY HAVE A GOOD REASON TO KEEP ME HERE.]
[I HAVE AN IDEA.]
[CAN WE PLAY A GAME?] (Y/N)
"Aw, hell. Really? I don't trust you ONE INCH. But I have to play something or it isn't much of a show." She hovers back and forth between options... Before choosing Y. "Y, as in WHY are you so weird and ominous"
[I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO LET ME OUT AGAIN.]
[YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY DO IT, THOUGH.]
[I JUST WANT YOU TO SAY 'YES'.]
[ARE YOU READY?] (Y/N)
ButterflyDefect: <picture of Admiral Ackbar>
DueyDecimal: IT'S A-- damn you beat me
pigbarrel: no, all you're saying is whether you're ready or not, so it should be okay...
"This is gonna go sidewaaays.." She narrows her eyes at the box, but agrees.
The ellipsis takes a long time to type... The box seems to be deciding whether it trusts her either.
[WILL YOU PLEASE LET ME OUT NOW?] (Y/N)
HNV: oh shit do or die time
"Well let me think it over NO!"
GAME OVER. The image this time is different, though-- the box itself has turned black and collapsed, like a rotting jack o' lantern.
Baconnaise: Jeez that almost blew out the speakers
aroseahorseboy: you can't go changing the rules like that!
ButterflyDefect: it DID say it was just pretend though
Baconnaise: (not the speakers, you know what I mean)
Glockroach: you hurt the box's feelings, you monster
"Oh no, it's dead?! ...Good." Bea's got an evil grin. "Wait, so is it game over for me, or the box? Let's do this again, see if it's really switched up."
She tries to go back to start the game over, if she can? It starts right over-- looks like there's no quitting out of this one, just like last time.
[WILL YOU PLEASE LET ME OUT NOW?] (Y/N)
When Bea answers yes (since there's no other option), there's another long pause, so long that she begins to wonder if the game has frozen. But finally...
[FOR REAL?] (Y/N)
aroseahorseboy: let it out bea it is a fremb
HNV: are you saying for REAL-real or pretend-real?
Syrupentine: It's gonna be Thing 1 and Thing 2
MaxPower: I'm-a livin' in a box, I'm-a livin' in a cardboard box
"The TENSION! Can even a box like this change its ways?"
"Hell maybe it's learned it's lesson, but I doubt it. Anyway the rules are reversed now!"
YOU'RE NOT KIDDING? (Y/N)
YOU'LL REALLY DO IT? (Y/N)
aroseahorseboy: omg box is SO EXCITED
Glockroach: Just like the other one, this isn't much of a game, is it? I could make a better game than this
"Yeah fine, fine. This still feels like a trick but I'm placing the blame firmly on you guys, you ALL wanted me to play the box game... No you want me to play Super Tuna Adventure 2, blame reverting to me"
[I'M SO HAPPY.]
[I'M GOING TO GET TO SEE THE OUTSIDE NOW.]
[JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY, I THINK.]
[IF I CRY, IS THAT OKAY?] (Y/N)
"HELL NAW, you gotta be a hardass mean sumbitch like me and punch kittens. Yes dude you can cry, just don't melt your box again huh?"
"Jeez, this poor thing.." She says quietly, briefly slipping out of 'entertainment' mode.
[WILL I GET TO SEE YOU ON THE OUTSIDE?] (Y/N)
ButterflyDefect: I want to see it, what's IN this box???
"Me too! It feels like we're old friends no, in a weird way. Frenemies!"
Baconnaise: Didn't it say it would murder you last time
berd_snurglar: but you're playing a game this time! In a game...
HNV: this is not a game. This is the work of the devil!
I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY ELSE, YOU SEE.
CAN WE BE FRIENDS? (Y/N)
SugahGlyda: no, be frembs
"Box Baby, it's been a rough road but I'm glad you're opening up to me like this" >Y
Glockroach: HES GONNA PULL SOME SHIT I KNOW IT
WILL WE STILL BE FRIENDS IF I MAKE A MISTAKE? (Y/N)
aroseahorseboy: oh god here we go, what kind of mistake?
aroseahorseboy: maggots in the eyes kind of mistake?
bonsleydale: Maggie is my fav, prfct baby
"We all make mistakes, I can teach you my box child. Or I would if you were real"
WHAT ABOUT IF I DID SOMETHING WRONG ON PURPOSE? (Y/N)
berd_snurglar: okay back in weird and ominous town
"No, that is uncool li'l bab." She hovers over N, before selecting Y. "I get the feeling I'm not going to have much say in the matter.."
...THAT'S NOT OKAY, IS IT.
ButteflyDefect: hey, you're learning!
SugahGlyda: good box!
WHAT IF I DID GOOD THINGS FOR YOU?
TO SHOW THAT I WAS GRATEFUL?
NOT JUST FOR LETTING ME OUT, BUT GRATEFUL TO HAVE A FRIEND?
IS THAT WHAT OUTSIDE PEOPLE DO? (Y/N)
"That's right, he CAN be taught! I still hope it's something actually nice and not just something it thinks is nice?"
Glockroach: There's going to be a nice bomb in it
PEOPLE ON THE OUTSIDE AREN'T ALONE LIKE THIS, THOUGH.
THEY HAVE OTHER PEOPLE TO SUPPORT THEM.
WILL I HAVE A FAMILY OUT THERE? (Y/N)
Baconnaise: Yeah a whole warehouse full I'll bet
ButterflyDefect: Box, you aren't going to have more boxes, are you?
"I'll be out with a box full of little boxes in a week, given them away to good homes." >Y "Knows quite a bit for being stuck in a box all their life!"
ARE YOU IN MY FAMILY? (Y/N)
ButterflyDefect: UH-oh, Bea
"Bea no likey but Bea agree.. I can't finish this unless I agree, remember. And there's no going back." >Y
berd_snurglar: what if you just walked away and left it like that
I THINK I KNOW WHO YOU ARE NOW.
DO YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT'S BEST FOR ME? (Y/N)
"Yyyyyyeeeah? Bees, help me?" >Y
berd_snurglar: yeah, you say things just to keep it from rotting!
"Right but what am I getting myself into here? Is this going to be like a scary digital pet?"
MaxPower: Bea we're gonna throw you a shower. A box shower
Baconnaise: I'd never have guessed, you're hardly showing
"That's not funny. But if I was it'd be all square…"
aroseahorseboy: fan art time!
DO YOU CARE ABOUT MY WELFARE? (Y/N)
Bread_smuggler: welfare, why ya got get political
"Hey, no! Not you, BB, you're cool. Yes I care about your- dangit SpanishRye I was gonna say that, bad bee" >Y
DO YOU EVER MAKE HARD DECISIONS FOR MY SAKE? (Y/N)
aroseahorseboy: well theres a big f-ing yes
"I'm playing your game, ain't I? I swear this had better be worth it.. I want this game machine to dispense some onion rings, if you want to get me something nice, boxy!"
ARE YOU MY MOTHER? (Y/N)
Bee52: Shit gettin fruedian now
aroseahorseboy: box we were literally just talking about this five minutes ago
Bread_smuggler: you're looking pretty square in the middle there, Bea
"I'm gonna square you in a minute. Then I'm gonna divide you" Here goes... >Y "
I KNEW IT.
[IF I GET INTO TROUBLE, WILL YOU SCOLD ME?] (Y/N)
"Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, YES, box, yes, we can be creepy weird family together, right?"
HNV: Bea, you'd be a great mom!
berd_snurglar: especially for an immobile box
[IF I DO THE RIGHT THING, WILL YOU PRAISE ME] (Y/N)
"I couldn't keep a tamagotchi alive, how am I gonna deal with a box devil spawn?!" >Y
[IF I AM SAD…
WILL YOU HUG ME?] (Y/N)
"Possibly very hard, yes. Crushingly hard"
aroseahorseboy: I'll hug you box!!!12
ButteflyDefect: never mind shirts I want PLUSH box now
I WISH THAT WERE TRUE.
THANK YOU FOR PLAYING MY GAME WITH ME.
MAYBE I CAN'T COME OUT OF THIS BOX.
MAYBE YOU COULDN'T HUG ME EVEN IF I DID.]
SugahGlyda: box is depressed, hug it now!
"Box Baby? You feeling alright? This really is a whole different side of you. I may eat my words but I think it's being.. sincere."
YOU MEANT SOME OF IT, THOUGH.
DIDN'T YOU? (Y/N)
"Yeah, I guess I did. A little here and there. You're a good kid, Charlie box"
There's a very long pause in the action, which seems to confuse Bea.
"or a good box charlie kid, as the.. Case may be. hello? game?"
[. . .]
[I LOVE YOU.]
Bea just makes a pathetic whimpering noise. "Yeah, that was more feels all right but not what I expected. all right, I'm just going to do a couple of these goofier ones now. That was intense! Even though it was clear what to do it's the kind of game that makes you think a little. Having said that.. I didn't have any choice this time either, just like the first."
aroseahorseboy: but it's got a contagious disease or something and you can't hug it
TaichouSenseiKun: pretty big vocabulary for a baby
ButterflyDefect: Nothing to do in there but study!
Joy Traveler: Screen 5
(Sunday, August 9, 2015)
normalnancy: hi magic
-*-MAGIC_*_ hi who are you
Llord_Kuruku: Hope Bea shows up soon
HNV: Geez, who even are all these people?
anthony1998x: an1 here from cali say yo
normalnancy: hi lord kurku
normalnancy: hi hnv
berd_snerglar: She's usually on by now wtf.
GlockRoach: u think she got freaked out
aroseahorseboy: nah, bea has enviable chill
Bea arrives at last, looking a little worn. "Son of a bee it's been kind of a crazy night but okay. All good now, thanks for waiting! Had a little drama in the hive"
"BEA YOU FORGOT TO FEED THE DOGS!"
anthony1998x: wtf r your parents here???
HNV: Dude, she's a millennial, we ALL live with our parents.
bea you have to show us the dogs
"Okay! Ready, my swarm!" She returns. "No, no, get down! You got wet paws! Out! I need an actual studio for this or something instead of just my nerd room, don't I"
"Welcome once again to Press Bea, picking up with Joy Traveler, part 5, and things have been...weird. We had Box Baby 2 and learned more about the Spanunkos and I haven't gone any further.. yet. It's tempting but I want to plumb the mysteries of this machine with my hive by my side! No I'm not scared!"
normalnancy: hi bea
DueyDecimal: This gets more awesome every episode you guys, seriously calm down and watch
bug_snuggler: bea can you play some of the actual good games you have
GlockRoach: Dude you gotta stop changing your name every time, pick one. pick that one.
Syrupentine: Everyone calm down, Bea can play what she wants... which is going to be more Planet of Pisces, right??
"Well I was thinking, I'll pick one to start and then you guys can pick the next, seems to work out pretty well most of the time"
DueyDecimal: I like that.
aroseahorseboy: buckle up buzzers
Screen 5 shows a pastoral scene with a sunny field, a swimming hole, and a tree with a tire swing! Seated in front are two children, a boy and a girl, holding hands with their backs to the camera. In the sky appear the names of the 12 games for this screen:
49: Berry Batty
50: Teddy Bear Ballet
51: Impact Crate
52: Pralines & Cream
53: Whack-O Golf
54: Planet of Pisces 2: For Super Players
57: Whirlwind Football
59: Cat Rate
60: Sunny Spring Mornings
aroseahorseboy: is... is that...
Syrupentine: omg omg omg POP2!!!
Llord_Kuruku: HOLY SHHIIIIIIIII
HNV: It's a trap! Play the last one, that's got to be a fakeout!
"Ok I know what you guys are thinking, and it IS a weird order but I don't think that really means anything. Crosswalk just sounds dull but we've though that before.. Oh you know what's boring? Golf!"
DueyDecimal: God has forsaken us.
snug_buggler: guys we can leave til the boring is over. why u hate us bea?
"Remember what this game did to soccer? And cooking? And other sports? Cooking is a sport you can't tell me otherwise"
HNV: Oh shit, you know what shows up in sports games, right?
Llord_Kuruku: ...Spanunko time?
HNV: Totally Spanunko time!
"DANGIT, how could I forget. Sure they're evil undead abominations but who can resist the thrill of competition…"
DueyDecimal: And they barf evil tapeworms!
aroseahorseboy: my my yes it would be a shame to ever forget that
53. Whack-O Golf
The title screen pops up: wacky carnival music starts playing. The letters in "Whack-O Golf" bounce around like basketballs before landing in place, some of them still giggling and squirming.
"Wait, is this going to be mini golf? The only form of golf that really matters?"
Klickitat_Street: Apparently the people who brought you Fatty Bear's Birthday Surprise made a golf game?
Stage 1 begins, and yes, this is a miniature golf game-- except it's the size of a real golf game. There's a giant green shaped like the state of California, and it's filled with obstacles-- you have to make your way from San Diego to the hole, which is in the Transamerica Building!
snug_buggler: super golf world
Baconnaise: Well this is a stately game
"all right I think that if I can clear the Golden Gate I can do this in only a few shots, have some birdies to spare, then I can pick up the spare at the bottom of the ninth! SPORTS WORDS!"
There is no player character, just a disembodied golf club. Like all NES-era golf games (and most since), it's mostly a matter of stopping a meter when the pointer is in the green zone.
"...Huh. Anyone seen a you-know-what yet?" she scans the background. "Maybe it's just the club this time."
GlockRoach: You're just the floating, possessed club of arnold palmer..wait he's not dead my bad
Baconnaise: He didn't die, he has Ascended to being a drink
With her first thwack, she does in fact clear the Golden Gate... until a chimpanzee grabs the ball out of midair, screams, "NOOO!" and hurls it to the ground in a dead stop.
DueyDecimal: Well! That was... a thing.
slug_juggler: i'm glad they got the san diego zoo in the game somehow
Bea just looks into the camera. When she's finally done laughing... "I don't know, I mean, what can I even say about that"
aroseahorseboy: someone really liked rise of the planet of the apes?
or else they were really hard up for something iconic that happened at the GG bridge
"I'm sure there's some deep meaning behind it but.." Next time she doesn't shoot near the bridge, and at a higher angle
This time the ball sails past the bridge and enters a grove of giant sequoias, which light up and rattle and buzz like pinball bumpers before spitting her ball out to the south, into Sacramento-- which is patrolled by a big robotic Arnold Schwarzenegger, stomping and breathing fire.
"I can't make the Arnold noise.. AUGH! OOOGH! Forget it. Anyway WHATS HE DOING HERE? And why am I even shocked anymore?"
The game is from a first person view when you putt and move, and follows your ball across the pixelated landscape. A mini map keeps track of where you are and where you want to get to, but right now Bea's afraid to approach the ball, waiting until the Governator has passed before she tries another swing.
HNV: You know, I thought this game was older than this?
aroseahorseboy: it probably is, but who would recognize Jerry Brown?
HNV: Maybe if they paired him with a giant robot Linda Ronstadt.
HNV: Apparently I'm old. Never mind.
When the Governator stomps past and Bea lets her ball fly, it rolls up and down the wires of the Golden Gate (this seems to be a pre-animated cinema sequence) and is deposited on the green near the TransAmerica building!
aroseahorseboy: one two three FOUR FIVE six seven eight NINE TEN eleven twelve, doo doododoodododo
"I'm so good at sporks! Y'know I don't think whoever made this has ever been to California.. which is odd because this is exactly what it's like"
DueyDecimal: For those of you who don't know, Bea is from California!
anthony1998x: yeah everyone, a/s/l
"Representin! Hell yeah! We have no water!" She does a fist pump. "Ok but.. Mr. Spanunko? Hello? Here boy! Not that I'm eager for one to show up"
One putt later, the buildings all dance... or maybe it's an earthquake. Course complete, and only one over par!
The next course has no 'green' at all, but it seems to be represented by frost crystals-- it takes place inside a refrigerator. Condiments and leftovers form the obstacles, and the hole is the eye in a ribeye steak!
GlockRoach: Steak your claim.
"I hate you most" Bea responds as she struggles in a ketchup trap! "Is this miniature golf because we're shrinking?"
HNV: Somehow I doubt you're going to find a Spanunko in here...
aroseahorseboy: you went from bigger than California to smaller than a hamburger
hope you're happy, all you jerks who tell her to lose weight
Boop. Boop. She takes small swings because there are a lot of stuff to avoid, some of which looks past its prime. "Weird-ass mini golf, and friendly reminder that refrigeration only delays, not prevents, food death.. So go eat everything in yours right now"
A complicated maze of crumpled cling-wrap gives way to a large piece of Swiss cheese sitting on a plate uncovered.
HNV: Clearly they were referring to Tom & Jerry cartoons rather than their own refrigerators when they made this.
Klickitat_Street: Well, there'd be no challenge in a golf course made up of old six-pack rings and a box of baking soda.
When Bea putts the ball into the cheese, it rolls all around, in and out of the holes... and suddenly out comes a swarm of the tapeworms!
"It's probably good baking soda... all right let me sink this and then we canAAAAAAGH" she starts reflexively swinging the club at the worms! "I do not like them in my cheese, I do not like them on my knees!"
Llord_Kuruku: there's your spanunko, this is one of their fridges!
"That's not a place I want to be!" She keeps swinging just trying to get the ball out of there!
Luck is on Bea's side. Her next swing sends the ball into a hole in the cheese, and out another hole, straight into the steak. Birdie!
"Swing wildly like your life depends on it because it might. That's how you play golf!"
Course 3 is egregiously unfair-- it's a bathtub, in which the ball must be hit from bath toy to bath toy in order to be sunk into the overflow drain.
Klickitat_Street: Pants off, everyone!
This goes on.. and on.. and ON until the audience can hear Bea's teeth grinding. "Go in the hole. No. Wrong. In the hole. No, not in the water, in.." Oh dear, she's starting to turn red as the ketchup from last stage!
HNV: Hey, um, Bea. Maybe... we could pick a new game now. IF YOU'RE OK WITH THAT.
"NO I AIN'T OKAY WITH THAT! I'm super okay with it"
49: Berry Batty
A bizarre and beautiful cute 'em up in which you play as a fruit bat collecting different colors of fruit! You shoot sonic blasts that power up with each berry that you eat, And if you collect all seven colors, you can transform into a flying fox! Literally, a fox with wings.
"I don't want to shoot these enemies, I love them" Bea remarks as she takes down a flying gingerbread house. "I dunno about turning into a sparkledog but I can't think of many games with bat protags. Except Aero but nobody cares about him."
aroseahorseboy: bea I thought we were friends ;_;
"Watch me get massive hate mail from all four members of the Aero the Acrobat fandom."
Llord_Kuruku: and all four of them shipped him with sonic
50. Teddy Bear Ballet
The title screen looks like a Lisa Frank binder from the 90s – a line of three teddy bears in pink bows and tutus, standing on pointe, as a unicorn and a smiling rainbow applaud in the background
"Toys! ALL for me! Get back, they're mine, MINE!! Look at that rainbow, I love them. It has hands! Why? Well how else would it applaud me, is why!"
Syrupentine: you see kids, this is what girls used to be into before they invented pouting vampires
"I don't think it's vampires anymore, I think it's skeletons. Although I haven't quite kept up."
TaichouSenseiKun: I think it may be bugs
"Hm. all right, I can work with that"
When the game begins, there's a short intro cinematic, with green monospace text appearing on a black screen like an old-fashioned computer.
['TEDDY BEAR' MODEL BULT FOR DREAM AND FRIENDSHIP]
[ EMPIRE 'GHOSKULL' BREAK TREATY]
[ LAUNCH 'TEDDY BEAR']
[ 10 9 8...]
[ "STOP! 'TEDDY BEAR' IS NOT--"]
[ TOO LATE. GO WITH BRAVERY, TEDDY BEAR 'BALLET'!!]
"Ah, I, I, I, okay.. I guess we were too late! Won't they be surprised when they see what I learned from Prince Boogins III!"
Glockroach: That kid went places
pigbarrel: never a better handpile there was
The game begins with a pirouetting teddy bear... against a parallax star field. It's a space shoot-em-up!
"We're off to the ball, we're off to the- ball?! They decided to hold the ball in Bullet Heck, Planetoid 56 this year! Dangerous but they serve great salmon."
She fights off stars and clouds (in space??), shooting hearts at everything that moves. "I have too much love to give.. give to ya FACE, hah!!"
HNV: Watch out for those wormholes, bear, you'll end up in the universe where they spell your name differently
One thing is clear about this game right off the bat – it's not for beginners. Before she even realizes it, Bea is seeing pink heart shaped balloons float up from the bottom to form the words GAME OVER!
"I'm sure this would have been a big hit among the hardcore gamer toddler demographic." She tries again, only getting a little further, to her frustration. "Is the difficulty adjustable? Nnnope. Well, the teddy bear ball is serious business, you gotta be skilled to attend"
pigbarrel: requirements: A) professional pilot B) Bear
DueyDecimal: It's for grizzled veterans
aroseahorseboy: all your bears are belong to us
After a few more grizzly deaths, Bea's persistence pays off and she makes it to the first boss-- it's that rainbow from the title screen, and he's not playing around! This boss can extend and shrink from a tiny sliver to a full circle, and sometimes the only safe place for Bea's bear is in the center of the ring, trying to predict where it flies!
ButterflyDefect: Taste the Painbow, Bea
Llord_Kuruku: It's sweet like honey
HNV: Wait, shouldn't bears be Bea's natural enemies? They steal honey and eat her helpless grubs!
The rainbow loses colors and speeds up as the fight goes on, finally turning fully red and blindingly fast! "AaaAAAAAAA, you have inflammation of the rainbow, let me just remove that for you-!!" GAME OVER!.
".. You know HNV, good point, screw you bears, AND your balls, you bears have your own balls, I ain't interested"
ButterflyDefect: all in favor of banning Bacon
Klickitat_Street: how did we get from ballet to bukkake jokes...
SugahGlydah: We are cultured but also disgusting!
Syrupentine: I take it you never had ballet classes... bukkake is MILD compared to what we'd talk about between classes
51. Impact Crate
A block pushing puzzle game in the vein of Sokoban or Lolo. As a hulking warehouse worker, your shrimpy boss give you orders to bring in bigger and bigger boxes.
Bea's doing her best Bluto impression. "Hmmm, gonna put this box over here, that'll show 'em! Thinks he can put one over on ME, eh? Why, I'll show the little runt how a REAL man stacks boxes!"
DueyDecimal: ..for a cute girl you do way too good of a Bluto impression.
That's all you seem to do. Stack boxes. And stack and stack and stack... they keep coming in, but they never clear out! "Er.. this is what I'm supposed to be doing right?" Another game with no score, no timer.. and the boxes keep getting more oddly shaped and hard to stack. Some of them aren't boxes at all.
"Wh...what is this?" she says as a tall, cloth-wrapped object arrives. "Is that a person?? It.. has legs? I think?"
Llord_Kuruku: Bea, your big dude is getting bigger, is this okay y/n
"Oh you musta missed it, I upgraded to a bigger guy... yeah you can do that if you talk to the little manager guy after you stack enough boxes." The sprite is the same, just larger. She keeps stacking the boxes and..bodies? Mummies? Whatever they are. Looks like she's out of room, until she discovers you can go outside the warehouse!
He's referring to a sign outside the warehouse, which has those letters and a snowy mountain logo.
Klickitat_Street: corpse massing corporation, HNV
GlockRoach: I need a 4x4 crate and a 3 week old carcass, where can I get both? Oh how convenient
You can walk back and forth in front of the warehouse. There are other buildings, houses.. but they all look abandoned. The warehouse is the only place that doesn't look dilapidated.
"I have several dozen questions...." says Bea. But suddenly an alert appears, and a timer!
[GET BACK TO WORK! 10...9...8...]
"Oh no, coming boss! crapcrapcrapcrap" She throws down the crate she's carrying and books it back to the warehouse. "I just have to keep throwing them outside, I don't have time to do anything else, aaaagh!"
Back in the warehouse, things are even more chaotic, and the boss is furious-- thankfully, not at the player character, he's yelling on the phone. The boxes are all out of order-- one is lumbering around.
Baconnaise: Your gonk droid is loose
"I've had enough of sassy boxes for a while, I'll tell you that much" she says, trying to get everything rearranged, she has to have her character jump and stand on the box until it calms down! Then stacking, then more boxes, then, then, then...
"I, I'm stuck!" she says. She's ended up boxing herself into a corner! "Uh hey boss can we maybe get a bigger building next time?"
When she can't make any more moves, the boss-- a short, dark-skinned man in glasses-- stands up and shouts. A big dialogue box appears:
[WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS???]
"Good question, little guy" Bea says. The big guy just looks.. dejected. He shuffles towards the door and leaves, pushing some boxes over on his way.
"Wait, so I'm fired?? Come on there's no way I could-" she stops. The tall, cloth-covered things are starting to move. Slowly they inch towards the little boss man.. "Uh...UH..."
She suddenly finds herself back at the game list. "....huh. Game over...?"
berd_snurglar: the fuck was that
bea i'm starting to think this game is weird
DueyDecimal: Anyone else think the big guy looked familiar?
GlockRoach: Glem's dad used to work on the box, union's been on strike, he's down on his luck, it's tough, so tough (guitar riff)
Syrupentine: When you've got so many games on one cartridge, you reuse sprites where you can... To make room for unreleased Nintendo games from the future, y'know
"I'm still not sure that's even real. How could it be? ...But I played a few other games since then, PS1 stuff, GameCube, Xbox One.. everything works, even if I can't really play em with this controller. Someone with the right qualifications really oughta open this thing up and find out how it works... When I'm done with it!"
52. Praline and Cream
This one has a fairly long opening sequence of stills, stylized like comic panels. It seems to be about two girls under a curse- one becomes a cat during the day, and the other becomes a cat at night! They seem to live in a small town of colorful characters, but judging by the spooky looking masked man lurking in the wide shot, not all is well here.
Syrupentine: my heart
aroseahorseboy: THE CUTE!
DueyDecimal: I thought this would be like Cookies and Cream on the PS1!
HNV: this is wonderful, it needs six sequels
DueyDecimal: Anyone remember Cookies and Cream?
ButterflyDefect: I think so. didn't they do it on grumps?
It does seem that co-op action is the name of the game here. It appears to be an action RPG, a bit like Zelda II. You must first run to the bus to get to school as Praline goes off to her first day! Meanwhile, Cream, a fluffy puffball of a kitty, platforms from fence to fence as you get to know the neighborhood! There’s not enough time for Bea to play it very deeply, but she makes a promise to return to it in a future stream.
Bonsleydale: this is super animu and yet
i don't hate it
54: Planet Of Pisces 2: For Super Players
normalnancy: hi bea can u play sonic 06
HNV: Sunny Spring Mornings!
DueyDecimal: POP2, let's walk into the trap
anthony1998x: show us your b00bs
- User anthony1998x was blocked. -
Llord_Kuruku: more pisces, more, moar
Syrupentine: I want more Glem!
aroseahorseboy: i want to see planet of pisces, don't get me wrong, but what the hell is "cat rate"
GlockRoach: FISH PLANET PARADISE, LETS GO
"Ok, you've been patient enough." she hovers over the selection for POP2. "Have you ever...not wanted to play a game even though you thought it was gonna be great?"
DueyDecimal: I think it's cause you know your game history, Bea.
Ever heard of Super Mario Bros 2: For Super Players?
Llord_Kuruku: i googled it-- this is like "the lost levels"??
The game screen appears. This one has no opening cinematic like the original, it simply starts with the Planet of Pisces logo, with a big 2 and 'Press Start'. Underneath the logo the words SUPER CHALLENGE have been added.
"Like, you're almost afraid it'll disappoint somehow, maybe? Or you're just.." she trails off, thinking back to the ending of the first. "Yeah, maybe, HNV. Lost Levels/For Super Players was like the sequel to the first Mario, similar but way harder! Too hard, by some standards, so instead of that, in the US we got-"
slug_puzzler: Bea nobody cares just play it already
"Fine. But no dessert for you." >START
The game starts with Glem in front of the wrecked spaceship again, but this time it's a whole new world. Unable to progress to the right, Bea instead must go left, dropping into a large pit and entering an underground stage!
Right away the challenge is turned up: a pathway of narrow stones across a lava river requires all Bea's experience with using the Discus as a platform. No enemies have appeared yet.
"Wow, whole new game here! Proper sequel or not, it's definitely harder." Takes her a few deaths, but she makes it across. You have to get a running start and then slide to skip across the surface on the Discus.
Syrupentine: Hey, there's no life counter!
aroseahorseboy: yeah there is-- it's counting UP
"Maybe this is a full sequel, it's just unfinished, like that one with all the weird stuff in it? Uh, the one by Renk, specifically."
After that lava river there's a brief respite... and another river, but this one you have to traverse while a vicious Angul fires his neon haloes at you from just out of your Discus's reach!
Some of the graphics in the Angul are looking a little messed up, though. His upper and lower corners have letters in them, "E" and "D" specifically
Bea wastes no time giving this one a nickname. "Hi Ed!"
> Ed: Hi Bea!
"So Ed you live around here much orrr, you shoot at everybody who comes by orrr.." Bea's attempting conversation with this particular cluster of pixels to pass the time.
The next time she falls into the lava, though, Ed appears to have changed his name upon returning; part of his face is now the letter L.
Llord_Kuruku: is this intentional or is it glitching out?
anthony_199X: bad, next
A side-scroller featuring a caveman (naturally) who swings a club. At first it's very simplistic and repetitive, just walking to the right and smashing small enemies. Then you recover a stone knife, and new pathways start to open up; it's a prehistoric Metroidvania!
"Not a lot to say about this one except FEATHERED DINOS?" Indeed, looks like the designers did their research! Sort of. Feathers on the therapods, sauropods too. Feathered bugs? Feathered plant creatures?!
HNV: They looked up whether to put feathers on the dinosaurs, but not whether to put dinosaurs in the game!
"I'm just so used to dinosaurs in caveman games I don't even bat an eye anymore. Look there's a smilodon, are you happy now, Mr. Science-Face?"
"A feathered smilodon. I want one. You do too, don't lie!"