's 2018 Horror Write-off:

Need Directions?

Submitted by What a Fine Holiday

Need Directions?

“Morning ‘dare stranger, what seems ta be troubling ya?”

“Oh, ya need directions, I can help ya with dat!”

“Okay, you’re going ta go, I say, five miles straight forward. And on da first fork in da road, take a left. You’re going ta past some swamps, bayous, or whatever ya folks up north call it. Don’t dally too long in there, I here da toads have been congregating again. Yep, Uncle Sam’s sons haven’t broken dat little parliament of toads up yet. Hopefully da frogs and dem toads don’t start another rabble with each; Lord knows after St.Louie, we don’t want dat happening again.”

“So,I say, three miles going past da marshes, you’ll hit Montgomery's shack. Don’t speak to him! Make sure ya go in, take whatever ya need for da rest of the journey, and get out. But I highly advise ya to get these items for where you’re heading. You’re jotting this down right? Anyways, buy the following wares: A chicken, a flashlight, two cases of beer, and a some Snickers.The prices are on da objects, so don’t bother Montgomery about anything. Oh, almost forgot, when his dottur comes in, don’t, I repete, don’t take up her offer for hot coffee. A cup of Joe isn’t what ya think it is, say is your name Joe?”

“No? Alright then bud.”

“Past Montgomery’s shack, you’re going ta head another, I say, six or seven miles right of it. Your next marker is da Weeping WIllow, ya don’t have ta listen ta her cries. She cries so dat she can get ya over ta her. Lost a friend ta her, I say, hopefully he is closer ta the Lord than he was ta da Willow. Oh, if ya see eyes peeking from the top of her, don’t worry about them. It's just a taktik ta make a man feel jelly legged. Those critters are blind as a bat, don’t  take it as a sign of a welcoming parade howeva.Them eyes take ya mind some place elsewhere. Ya bady is going to be left here however, and I’m guessing ya still want all ya limbs attached?”

“Pasting dat Willow, I say, four miles straight forward. There is going ta be a little town, and i’m being generous with dat term, with a sign saying ‘Come to New Bremen’s Buff BBQ’. Now hopefully ya haven’t eaten all your rations, not counting the ones ya brought with ya on the ride ta humble old me. It may appear dat New Bremen’s place is da centa of the whole town;and it may appear dat everybodee wants ya ta go ‘dare;and it may appear dat ‘dare isn’t any housing for the citizens; and it may appear dat every man, woman, and child seems to be walking around doing nothing, but going in and out of New Bremen’s; and it may appear dat da streets all curve back into New Bremen’s. Don’t worry ya big mind, bud, ‘dare is a normal solution ta dat.”

“Are ya jotting dis down? Making sure ya greymatter has dis for later? Good.”

“First, ya going ta see two buildings on the right of New Bremen’s, ya got dat? Moving on, ‘dare going ta be a green building and its opposite will be red. Remember:right of New Bremen, and the colors of da buildings will be: red right, green left. Don’t take the building as: red left, green right. Dat ‘dare is a whole noder problem, I can’t help ya with dat buddy. If it does appear, just drive around da road again, it may take ya awhile ta do get da first option.”

“Okay, go into the red building first and ask for a Mr.Starv at the counter. The place looks like it mainly sells kitchen utensils and decor. It’s going ta take a while, so just look around at the paraphneilia. Mainly tantalizing, with a lot of pictures, paintings, geegaws, all relating ta our pursuit of satiation. Also,make sure ya keep dat chicken fed, you’re not going to need it here. But it is important.”

“Mr. Starv himself is doughy,middle age fella. Tall as a pine tree, and just as thin. Now, I highly suggest to use charisma when dealing with Mr. Starv. He loves food, apparently he and his three brothers ride on  around da world and he loves exotic dishes,just ask on dat particular category and he’ll do all the talking.Just nod, and if ya well versed on da matter talk about it,sometimes interject on a subject. Mr.Starv may also mention dat he and his brothers are on break, and da are around da world currently. He taking up this particular locale for its dining. Just politely smile at his recollection of family.”

“Don’t worry about messing up, just  don’t insult him. So no dozing off, no yawning without covering your chatterbox, and no sneezing without warning.”

“Anyways, he’ll finish and be so buttered up, dat he’ll listen to anything. Tell him dat ya need to get a past da town’s borders. Usually he asks for a fee, and I don’t want ta tell ya what his usual toll is, but he’ll be so happy dat he’ll gladly give ya a good word to da mayor of da town. Now head ta the green building,looks kinda like it sells auto parts, and ask for a chauffeur. The owner of da place is a kindly fella, and is much less difficult to deal with than Mr. Starv. Give him the keys to ya car, and he’ll drive it around da road. Don’t worry, he’ll have if for ya when ya leave.”

“Now dis is all up ta ya. You’re going ta have ta travel past New Bremen’s ta the opposite side of da buildings. Don’t worry, it all be find if ya listen closely.”

“Past the road, you’re going to hit da sidewalk in front of New Bremen’s. Ignore what sounds like a farm in a revelry,its just them laughing. Ignore da moaning coming from within, da patrons are trying to feel giddy. Ignore da occasional screams, it's just da wind, ‘day have been already  silenced. And especially ignore da folks trying ta open doors for ya. Politely decline, don’t  give them anything to work on. They’ll get angry with ya, and them angry is not right.”

“On a lighter note, ya going ta reach da opposite buildings, hopefully. Past through the two buildings, even if the alleyway is getting tighter and more narrow. Do ya suffer from claustrophobia or something like dat? No, right then,”

“You’re going ta be out in da open, behind ya is nothing but open road. In front of ya is ya car. Don’t worry about anything being taken,like I said the owner of the green building is a good samaritan. Now five or ten, never remember for da life of me, miles go straight forward. Now it is summer, so da festival is going on. On the side of da road is a truckload of people dancing near a platform;a band,of particularly crimson tinted fellas, will be on said raised platform above dis crowd. Even if the sounds of merriment is echoing across da landscape, don’t be tempted. Da people are unclean,’dare shoes will be gone, and ‘dare clothes torn.”

“The men atop the platforms will be dressed in antique finery, and one will be playing a golden fiddle. Now he is da leader of the bunch, I know him well. He’ll point towards ya vehicle and ya’ll be stopped. Now, I know ya’ll be shaking, but trust me on dis. Get out of ya vehicle, and take ya chicken out of it also. Now da leader will ask ya’ll if ya want to dance and if ya’ll want a partner. Tell him ‘dis chicken right here is my dance partner!’ and the crowd will laugh at you like a mad man.”

“Don’t worry about ya dignity, ya’ll life is more important.”

“Back to da topical discussion, act like ya got no sense. Tell da crowd ‘Oh Mary, mother of our savior, I forgot me dancing finery! Excuse me for a moment!’ and head back to da car. Now da chicken has done dis multiple times now, it’ll go to the nearest, unacquired partner, and them up for a dance. Now da crowd will be situated on da chicken, and dat will be where ya make your escape. Don’t  look behind ya, da chicken is going to be okay. He knows where ta go from ‘dare.”

“Anyways you’re going hit da second fork in da road. Go right dis time,and head, I say, six miles straight. Maybe some curves in da road. If ya see a hitchhiker and/or salesman, he ain’t a friend. He is a Mugwump, he’s trying to sell ya’ll something.If ya run out of gas howeva, ya’ll have to stop by him. Ya don’t want anything he has,just focus on his really cheap gasoline horde, don’t be fooled by his ill-fitting suit. Nor be fooled by his charming demeanor and linguistic arts. Don’t bring to light the sound of cicadas buzzing around him or look deeply in his eyes. Just do the deal for some gas, and drive away as fast as possible.”

“Going forward, da road will be like a drunkard trying ta draw a straight line. Da marsh foliage will be covering the sides of da road. Now here is where da Snickers, may or may not, come into play.”

“Two things will be living on da roadsides dat look at ya like a fresh boudin sausage; Melonheads and Lollygags. If its a Melonhead, worry about traps and hordes of those little fellas coming out of the woodworks. If it's a Lollygag, dat is a different problem and where the Snickers come into play. Even if it looks like a dumbbell turned upwards, Lollygags can keep up with whateva speed of ya vehicle. Open one of the Snickers bar and throw them out da side,it’ll keep them Lollygags busy.”

“I say, three miles from this curving catastrophe, everything starts ta get dark. Even if it's probably not been long,for ya.You’re going to eventually stop at a little hobble, with its lights on. Now, trust me on dis, get out of ya vehicle and take one case of beer with ya and you’re going to need da flashlight. Walk forward a few feet in front of ya, and put da beer case down. Now, dis is important, walk backwards to ya vehicle. Keep ya eyes on da house, da only time ya break dis rule is when ya look ta your periphery and see two arms emerging from behind a tree.”

“Dat would be a Hidebehind and a really nasty critter that is.”

“If ya see those limbs, run like dat Old Scratch is after ya. But remember to do it backwards. If ya don’t see the Hidebehind, just walk backwards normally and ya’ll be fine. Now, ya’ll drive left of the hobble and go for, about two more miles. Ya’ll reach the final fork in da road. Don’t worry da giant who left it is long gone.”

“Head right and go for one more mile and you’re at your destination! Just ignore da ‘modern’ billboard at the side of da road, be on da lookout if it turns into an image of a beach. Dat means the mermaid is going on da hunt. If ya see da beach, turn off ya vehicle and wait for a few minutes. She’ll leave ya’ll alone eventually, she doesn’t have dat much patience.”

“Wats dat? What is the extra beer case for? Buddy, you’re going to need it after all is done!”