's 2018 Horror Write-off:

Top Ten Illegal Wrestling Moves

Submitted by King Kaiser, Republished With Permission by Thomas F. Johnson (email)

Hey ya smarkin bastards, it’s me the Royal Rampage King Kaizer, and I’m sure you’ve all heard of wrestling moves too hot for the leagues. This business is a rough one and all the spine breakers, head crackers and ball busters have ended careers or even lives over time or over just a moment.

But there’s a bottom of the barrel and there’s an ass to the whole wrestlefans, and I got ten o the worst of these! They’re from outside the main leagues, so you ain’t gonna see ‘em on other lists, but ol King Kaiser has got you covered! Here is the TOP TEN MOST ILLEGAL WRESTLING MOVES!

Number 10 is the Jewel Polisher, like the Shattered Dreams it targets the most sensitive part of a man’s anatomy! The pelvis! And also the testicles, that too. It’s like throwin a couple of diamonds on a bathroom floor, breaks the diamonds n the tile! For the longest time in his early career the Meat Machine Rory Callahan used this until he got his most prominent move the Grillhammer!

But it wasn’t just a shiny new tool in the box that stopped this, oh no, it was the promoters. Rory used to say it was too hot for TV, but the permanent injuries to the bone box and the boys that saw them talk about pissing blood said otherwise!

Number 9 is the Knifespin, more for what the guy doin it was willin to go through to make it happen than what it does. Tho, the way it whips around to dislocate every goddamn socket is a match ender, and some said a career ender. But no, the way it was illegal was the way Prometheus Protein could do it.

They said no normal person’s anatomy could handle the torque or do the twistin. So he went to a fancy plastic surgeon and did things to his tendons I can’t even describe. He always walked funny, but boy did that move go off like a dream. So much that nobody else can legally do it, in the ring, or in several states! But, that’s just the beginning.

Number 8 is a classic, the Total Treatment! Now, as I said before, we all know about the fact that the most face-shatteringly life-endingly deadly moves are the ones that target the neck and the spine, and most lists’d end off with Triple H’s Original Pedigree or the Burning Hammer. But most people haven’t met Doc Shatter, one of the best goddamn wrestlers you ain’t heard of.

He was supposedly be a chiropractor before, but the man knew his way around a human spine, and he knew how to do things with it he wouldn’t believe. The Total Treatment was a drop n a series of pressure-pokes I can’t even describe full-on, but it took the damn spine n near broke it, then fixed it just fine, immediately. It was fine, but it hurt so bad even yours truly was cryin like a baby, Kaisermaniacs!

But the long term damage wasn’t so hot, and poor Doc retired after long-time opponent Snakewood had a back blow up in the ring. When the doctors came they said he’d been dead for three days before. Doc said he could feel the blood sprayin on his face still.

Number 7 is the Mass Driver. It was more illegal due to property damage, but still, hot damn was it some property damage. It was mostly the move of Newton Law, the wrestlin physicist. HE’d always do these weird rituals, walk in place for hours n hours, pick up stuff n put ‘em down.

It’s like he was doin a real life video game, if you’re rollin up what I put down Kaisermaniacs. Everybody made jokes about “OCD,” nobody laughed when he did his thing. It was just a few body movies, but he launched like a goddamn rocket right through ‘em. You could swear you could see the ropes go through ‘em when they hurtled up, and god damn if that radar gun he gave to some fucker on the sidelines wasn’t some genius shit.

But, somebody else tried to do it, I don’t remember who. There’d’ve been a court case except there was nothin left! You couldn’t legally stand within 20 yards of that arena after that! Said they fucked up the physics, thought it might be contagious.

Now the ol Royal Rampage King Kaizer didn’t believe ‘em until he saw the pictures. I aint too proud to admit, I probably ended up puking a few times during that. It’s like a fever dream mixed with the feelin of an eye gougin concussion on film. Can’t blame ‘em. But Newton didn’t deserve it, and that my Kaizermaniacs is what I’ll say till my dying day.

Number 6 is the Funky Imbunche. Boy lemmee tellya, fuck The Great Medicini, he stole the moves from every guy I knew of, undercut up-n-comers, sold merch that scammed or poisoned every goddamn person, handed out pills that ruined careers, and he’s the meanest bastard motherfucker to every guy I knew of. I could tell you stories of what he did to the women he knew, but that’s an allegation he’d take me to court for.

Nobody touched him because of the Funky Imbunche, the one thing he had for an original and half of it he stole from Doc Shatter. It broke those bones alright, but it broke other things, n fixed ‘em back wrong. Twsted. Broke their brains n their spirits I think too.

He could legally keep ‘em because they no longer qualified as human according to law, and they said he could legally use ‘em in the ring cause they were part o the move. I guess they could look the other way for a charismatic prettyboy, even as they used the ol Royal Rampage myself as their meal ticket.

I hate myself for lookin the other way as long as I did, before I got ‘em to stop. But he got off scott free, like the snake oil salesman he is.

Number 5 is the Hippie Trippy Homicide. Lemony Bell’s hippie gimmick got dark as fuck in the 90s, and nowhere was that clearer when I saw that Hippie Dippy Homicide. First time we saw it was when he was up against Rory “The Nail” Polland.

I was a guest commentator. And Lemony was comin in late. And as we were stallin, he showed up to the ring. Wild eyed, like a madman, he had patches all over him and I could see the veins chiaroscuro the scars. Lemmee tell ya Kaizermaniacs, I knew Lemony’d been on hard times, I knew he’d been tryin to use some powerful stuff to cope, but not like this, not with the look in his eyes.

The broadcast was recalled from the airwaves, same with the other five, but I can tell you what we saw. He drug ‘em down, into his mindscape, in his nightmare with all the pills n the pit, and god the look on Rory’s face when they took ‘em out on the stretcher. How they couldn’t look at Lemony.

It was a breather, lemmee tell ya Kaizermaniacs, to find out Lemony’d been in a coma, all those times. The pills’d got ‘em, he’d been in bed the whole time. It wasn’t him he said when he’d woke up, it was the pills; the drugs doin it. Tried to take his game to a higher level, took ‘em to somewhere else.

And that is why the Hippie Dippy Homicide is illegal .

Number 4 is the Exodus Mass. Now, we all know about the cult gimmicks in the business. But the one we never knew if it was his real gimmick or not was Brother White. Kid was a good wrestler; potentially graitl until he got with Medicini, then shit changed.

He wore the robes, talked the talk, and got these weird masko fuckers following ‘em into the ring. Well, lemmee tell ya Kaisermaniacs, the Royal Rampage didn’t cotton to this. He never talked anymore with anyone but them, until that one night.
They said it was a stunt, but I saw what they did to themselves, that wasn’t no prop. You can’t fake a mass disembowelment like that, not on a wrestling budget, not on TV.

And what it did to his opponent; Red Giant wasn’t no stunt either, you could just see something leave ‘em. They said when they opened him up that it was just like his entire brain; nerves n bones just gone for god knows where.

They put White in the asylum after that. But that Medicini never got caught. But, that’s just allegations, I can’t say any more.

On a lighter note, Number 3 is the Corpse Candleman. It’s not illegal to do this one, but the only one that’s not okay to plan to do. They had to re-write the rulebook for that one when it first happened!

The ol Royal Rampage was just a Regent Rumpus when he heard about it from ol Sam Randal; legend in his time in the old days when he was just an up-n-comer. It was on a winter night that he was supposed to fight Gene Harley.

The news got in Gene Harley died in a car accident, and lemmee tell ya Kaisermaniacs, he was mighty sore. But before they could call the match off, the stadium doors opened n there was a blue light like a fire. and before he’d got a word out he heard a voice sayin’ “Sam, I wouldn’t miss this match for the devil himself.”

The thing in the blue light took five steps before Sam passed out from fright. Suicide’s frowned upon, but this is a competitive business and you gotta be careful. You could say it’s just a ghost story, but I saw the med details on thing that “Gene” left behind and; yikes...

Number 2 is what they did to Charlie. Charlie, my friend, the only person who could stand up to me in the ring, & who stood up to Medicini out of it. That’s why he’s gone now.

I can’t say what they did because you can’t describe it. You can describe how to break a human spine but you can’t describe how you contort your body to break history, make someone gone, so gone nobody but that rat bastard and me, the ol Royal Rampage remembers him.

I have his stuff, and I can see it tearing away by the day like muscles being dragged down into the thing I can’t describe. All that’s going to be left is what I remember of him and even then that ain’t sure.

And Number 1, oh yes Number One. Now Kaisermaniacs, you and I know that you aren’t ever gonna get hit by any of these. But I know who’s gonna get hit by Number One, and it’s you Medicini, you lousy piece of shit!

There’s a reason I bring you up Medicini, your egotistical horseshit and I know it’s gonna bring you here. Here into this grapple on the page, here into the movement of the type, where every single word is coming together, to slam you through the page, on the ground, and down down DOWN, where you belong!

Do you FEEL it Medicini? Do you feel the eyes of God upon you?! Do the words becoming hands slowly dragging you down, burning into a spiral of madness as the ring ensnares you from the thousand memories of what you've done?! The story is the move, and it's the ol Royal Rampage comin atcha in the text is the medium is the message is the muscle is the massacre that will bring you down, down DOWN, into where God and man can't find you because god has left this place and he has left you!~

Yes dear Kaisermaniacs, Number One is this article itself, the list and the nightmar to twist and trap the bastard who it’s meant for in the page itself and the page to somewhere else! I’d say I’ll see you in Hell Medicini, but knowing where it’s gonna take ya, you’ll just be wishing you were there...