's 2019 Horror Write-off:

15 Disney Tips for the Aspiring Fanatic

Submitted by Eldritchhat (email)

  1. Get yourself a set of ears! It’s extremely hard to hear without them, so find some that help you look (and hear!) like Mickey. There are plenty of vendors throughout each of the parks to provide you with these handy-dandy devices, each styled after one of the many beloved Disney™ properties. Though, really, where’s the fun in that? Do you think Mickey just bought his ears? If you aspire to be a great mouseketeer like him, then I suggest that you discover the ears that truly fit you while you follow through our next few tips.

  2. Watch a Disney™ movie! This step is actually much easier than you would expect, especially if you have a mobile device and disposable income. Only two decades ago, we were forced to face the challenge of cracking the Disney™ vault if we desired its sweet, animated nectar. Nowadays, though, Disney™ has expanded its reach so far and wide that the vault has metamorphosed into a bountiful cornucopia! There’s a flavor to fit in any palette, though I would suggest finding a secluded place outside of the view of your fellow patrons, it is best not to disturb them.

  3. Take a spin in the teacups! We know it can be tough to get your bearings when partaking in your first trip to the fantastic Walt Disney™ World, but this ingenious ride was designed specifically to assist any intrepid traveler. Jump inside and let it spin you about like a whirling dervish, laughing along with your fellow passengers as colors blend and streak together like oil on a canvas. Have you ever played a video game before? If you have, then consider this amusement ride as a manual configuration device, but in real life!™ World renowned engineers designed these teacups so that any guest (regardless of age, size, or temperament) will find themselves perfectly compatible with the entire park thanks to subtle manipulation of the gel membrane within your inner ear. This is why the seats are teacups, as they are an international symbol of the refinement and supremacy embodying Disney™.

  4. Book a room at one of the many fantastic Disney™ resorts! Any good Disney™ trip will span multiple days, even multiple weeks, so it is prescient that you find proper accommodations. Of course, you could simply rent a room out at one of the local motels, but you’ll find yourself too busy picking bed bugs off your shorts to truly take in the grandeur. Mayhaps it’s a little out of your budget range, but what better time to spend than the happiest moment of your life? Moreover, the Walt Disney™ World Resort is custom tailored to fanatics throughout the world! Whether you be from Bristol or Tehran, there is a suite that will make you feel like you’re home sweet home.

  5. Visit the infamous Haunted Mansion™! After inoculating yourself with the World of Disney™, and managing to keep hold of all your marbles, it’s time to finally enjoy yourself! The Haunted Mansion™ ride is not for the faint of heart but, in turn, it is never short on spooky fun. Navigate the graveyard while making sure to memorize the names of your hosts, that way you may greet them with a smile in the mansion proper. We advise you not to exit your vehicle prematurely, even though the friendly ghouls will tempt you, they have their own aims which may not align with your intended path. Still, it is comforting to know that you’ll be cared for in the afterlife.

  6. Purvey the prestigious Hall of Presidents™! Believe it or not, Disney™ does not just concern itself with Disney™, it is a patriotic conglomerate as well! Tune into ESPN, and when you jump out of your seat to praise the Land of the Free™, consider who owns that. Therefore, Disney™ built the Hall of Presidents™ to both commemorate and praise our heroic leaders (Editor’s Note: depending on the time of publication, mileage may vary on certain readers recognizing their rulers). In addition, the homunculi imitating our presidents are consistently outfitted with the latest technology in order to maximize sex appeal. That being said, do not lean in for a kiss with Mr. Calhoun ;D.

  7. Experience the excitement of Space Mountain™! If you are daring, Disney™ World is not all funhouses and sideshows, for the park is equipped with a great number of thrill rides. Space Mountain™ may be the capital of Disney™ World, at least for those with an adventurous streak, and it is the primary attraction for Tomorrowland™. A long climb into this retro-futurist architectural marvel leads you to a neon blue station where helpful attendants strap you in for the ride of your life. Oh, how your heart will pound as you slowly ascend through a tunnel of fluorescent splendor, before it drops you into an all-consuming abyss. G-forces jerk your body about in serpentine shapes, as if you were traveling down the gullet of a humongous boa constrictor. You catch your breath, wondering if this blind cacophony of motion is your new reality and, before you know it, you’re back where you started. Are you the same person as the one who got on the ride?

  8. Have a quick bite at a Disneyrestaurant! Disney™ has outfitted all of its parks with a great selection of high-class restaurants as means for guests to refuel. Each menu item is sure to make your mouth water with Grade A ingredients meticulously approved by the Food and Drug Administration™. Our personal favorite spot would have to be the Cheshire Cafe™, meant to mimic the classic book series by Lewis Carroll. We encourage you to ignore the nasty rumors that the mushrooms used in the caterpillar salad are in any way hallucinogenic. There was a single incident where a server gave a young boy the wrong order resulting in a severe allergic reaction, and the server was swiftly punished for this infraction to the Disney™ ethos. Irregardless, we insist you try out the world famous Queen of Hearts pork roast!

  9. Meet up with a furry friend! So many urban legends spread around a place as magnificent as Disney™ World, some true and some false. There are tales of people decapitated on thunder mountain, of Walt’s head frozen beneath the park, of secret societies run in areas closed off from the public. Most have no bearing on reality, but there is one with a kernel of truth that sets sparks flying in the over-imaginative fanatic. It is true that there is a population of feral cats roaming Disney™ World, yet they are all healthy and docile, and they are provided with food and water by the cast members. You might ask: what is their purpose? We expect that, at this point in your journey, you have successfully acquired a pair of ears perfectly suited to you. If a cat has grown attached to you, following you throughout the park, then you have selected the correct pair of ears.

  10. Pillage with swashbuckling Pirates of the Caribbean™! Pirates of the Caribbean™ is one of many Disney™ rides that has been made into a major motion picture series. You might have even watched the latest film Pirates of the Caribbean 7: Ghost of Magellan™ in order to fulfill step 2. This ride is a classic, sending you through an animatronic funhouse on the waves, but it also marks an important turning point in your ascension. Since its inception, the ride has featured one actual human skeleton stashed amongst many facsimiles. Recently, the skeleton was moved out of sight for the public, but this step requires you to find it. When you are about to pass the jail cells, slip out of your seat and dive into the water. Unlike with the Haunted Mansion™, disembodied hands will simply wave you on until you find the bones lying next to a hatch in the wall. Open this hatch and climb in.

  11. Go for a refreshing swim! You’ll now find yourself in a specially designed tunnel only for the most devoted of Disney™ fanatics!. The tunnel slopes down slightly, with holes above your head so that water can flow into it while still maintaining at least an inch of space where you can come up for air. This feature is necessary, because you will need to swim almost two miles in this tunnel before reaching your destination, and only a few fans have been able to hold their breath that long. As you’re swimming, be sure to ignore any loud, industrial sounds that you hear overhead, and don’t try to look through the holes. You won’t see anything, they’ve made sure of that, and you’ll only be wasting precious energy that you need to reach your destination. We suggest having a hearty breakfast every morning, but especially today.

  12. Take a breather, stop and smell the roses! You’ll know that you’ve reached your destination once you find another hatch, this one sporting a carving of Mickey’s head. Crawl through his mouth, and you’ll find yourself in the fountain of an underground greenhouse. You can take a breather now, the hardest part is over, and I’m sure the cool water was refreshing after a full day spent in the glaring summer sun. We all remember the lonely trek through what once was, spectres of the past fading away not long after you leave the teacups behind. Once Upon A Time™, tens of thousands of people would bustle through the parks everyday, and now you’re lucky to see even five fellow apostles on any given day. It is important to entertain such retrospection now, because this is the point of no return. When you step through that door, it’s frame speckled with roses and its wood misted in pink blotches, you cannot unlearn what lies beyond.

  13. Grab a photo with one of your favorite Disney™ characters! The door is gone, you’ll know this when you feel the cold knob twist and writhe on your fingertips. You must now look upon the aegis of the parks, the truth behind its everlasting glory, and the heart of Disney™ itself. Are you okay? Are you absolutely okay? Can you still hear us? The stray cat will now return to your side, forever linked to you, and you must hold him close in your arms. Your ears should be pulsating now, growing larger and larger, the song finally audible over the sound of running water. This is our song, just yours and mine, the one we fell in love on, while it played over the speakers. We need you to face the mirror and pull, just until you can draw Mickey’s face onto your own. Don’t mourn the kitty, he’s still there, and your favorite character now greets you

  14. Don’t miss the beloved Disney™ parade! handing us the clothes we need to complete our ensemble. A tophat! A coat with extra long tails! A Cane! Our signature red trousers! We are just ravishing, so lucky to be us! Watch us step through the mirror onto Main Street, U.S.A.™ with all of our friends! Why look! It’s Goofy and Donald, Daisy and Clarabell, and, of course, our darling Minnie! Smile everyone! Wave to the princesses as we march on! Wave to Tiana, Ariel, Snow White, and Cinderella! Wave to Rapunzel, Elsa, Catherine, and Belle! Above is Czernobog, conducting the orchestra! Below is Walt, watching over all of us! We clap and sing and delight in this little world of ours, our teeth chattering and our ears shivering in the ocean breeze. Our long journey has come to an end, and what else can we do but laugh!

  15. Time for a little shut-eye, so we can do it all over again tomorrow!