's 2019 Horror Write-off:

My Girl

Submitted by Anonymous

I’m one of the luckiest guys out there. Most dudes wish they could have a girl like mine. My girl gets me. She’s nice, she’s into my interests, she listens to what I have to say, and she treats me good. So I treat her good back. That’s the key to keeping your girl, if you both treat each other good and you love and respect each other, you’ll be together a real long time.

Of course I think my girl is attractive. I’d be in some real fuckin’ trouble with her if I didn’t, holy shit. I feel like you should sorta find whoever you’re in love with attractive after a while, like, by default? I think we’re just psychologically wired that way, for the most part. I know guys who would never date a girl who’s even a little taller than them, or even a little chubby. They, clearly, don’t know what they’re talkin’ about. My girl’s a bit heavier than most, but that just means she’s softer and warmer to snuggle up to. And, if a girl’s *just* the right height compared to you, her boobs are at your eye level. My girl’s not that much taller than me, but I don’t care. It’s more an added perk than a necessity.

My last birthday, my girl got me a great present. No, I know what you’re thinkin’, it wasn’t sex, fuck you. The guys I usually hang out with got me half-assed gifts like an old car parts magazine, a six-pack minus one of cheap beer, and a napkin with “Happy birthday” written on it. That I watched him write at the restaurant we were in. Thanks, guys. No, what my girl got me was a couple of movie tickets to somethin’ I mentioned I wanted to watch. I’m the sort that forgets movie theatres are real things that exist, and if she hadn’t, I woulda totally forgotten about the movie by the time it was released on DVD. I’m still not sure what exactly to get her for her birthday, but I know some kinda fancy dinner’s gonna be involved.

Everything went just right on my girl’s birthday! I was a bit worried somethin’ was gonna go wrong for a while, but no, it turned out perfectly, she loved it. I was nervous about showin’ her the ring on her birthday, cuz, I dunno, she might’ve thought I was tryin’ to make things about me somehow or somethin’, but she was ecstatic! “Best birthday ever”, that’s what she said. That and yes, thank the gods. She said she had somethin’ to show me, so I hope it’s somethin’ good. And not, like, I dunno, her extensive message history with some fascist dictator from another country or her search history fulla weird kinky shit or some shit. I’d be mostly fine with whatever else, but I’d rather it not be that.

Thankfully, the thing she had to show me wasn’t anything too horrid. As it turned out, she wasn’t quite as human as I had assumed she was. In and of itself, that discovery was fairly minor. I would’nt’ve particularly cared about it either way if it was just that. She’s still my girl, after all. Apparently, though, whatever it was she was couldn’t necessarily survive on its own after a certain age. She trusted me, and I was more than happy to help.

Life’s gotten a lot simpler for me recently. Before, I used to have to stress out over a whole buncha things, but now, I just sit back and let my girl go about her day. Sure, some things were a bit difficult to get used to at first, especially the breathing tubes down my windpipe and the feeding tube down my throat, but I don’t really notice that they’re there most of the time anymore. Sometimes, we sit down to watch a movie and just have a nice chat. My old “buddies” haven’t even noticed that I haven’t been showing up to Monday lunch, we went in there the first Monday to scout and they didn’t say a word! Except fucking Nelson, he started fucking hitting on my girl, and he *knows* we’re dating, that fucking asshat.

Recently, I’ve noticed something. It’s always been kinda damp in here, but recently, I’ve been feeling something wetter pressed up against my front. They feel sorta tennis ball sized? And I know there’s a whole bunch of them there, since it’s not just one tennis ball there, it’s, like, dozens of them there. I asked my girl what they were the other day. I’m one of the luckiest guys out there. I can’t wait to be a father.