Nice Guys

We’ve all heard the stories. They’re disgusting hypocritical freaks who won’t go away if they get you in their sights.

So you can understand why I was a little on edge when I realized one was stalking me in a Walmart.

He was constantly looking around corners and trying to sneakily stare at my breast. Of course, his idea of sneaky wasn’t very subtle and it was pretty obvious to everyone that he was stalking me. I tried race walking from one end of the building to another, hoping his big flabby body would run out of breath. Initially it did work, and I didn’t run into him for the rest of my shopping. I thought I finally escaped him.

When I walked out of Walmart and discovered the the fedora freak was waiting for me in the shadows.

He started following me again. I hoped someone would notice, but it was nighttime and the parking lot wasn’t well lit. I tried walking faster, but he kept up with me the entire time no matter how fast I went. When I got to my car I was fumbling for my keys. I futilely hoped that I could get in my car before he reached me. Unfortunately I was too late, and my blood ran cold as I heard those dreaded words.

“H-hey there m’lady.”

I could already imagine him tipping his fedora. I turned around, and was greeted with hot Cheeto breath coming from his thick chapped lips. He stood uncomfortably close to me.

“What’s a l-lovely chick like you d-doing alone on a night like this?”

“Please leave me alone.” I said futilely.

“W-what’s wrong? Can’t handle all this hotness m’la-“

Before he could finish his sentence he retched before stumbling backwards. The fat on his body churned and slowly made its way towards his mouth. His screams pierced the night sky and caused many people to turn their heads and gaze in terror. His agony lasted for minutes on end. People gathered around. Some tried to help while others called for an ambulance and police.

His cries reached a crescendo before being cut off as thousands of small fedoras erupted from his mouth. Some flew into the night sky while others crept into the darkness. As the last of the juvenile fedoras left his body, all that was left was a severely distended sack of skin draped over a skeleton and some loosely attached organs.

Medical help arrived shortly after along with police. The nice guy was pronounced dead. Officers questioned me, but they heavily doubted that I could have done anything to him that resulted in his current state.

I didn’t sleep well that night.

Months went on and news outlets were flooded with more and more cases just like the one I witnessed. A fedora was even captured by scientists and was tested on. What they found out from their experiments shocked everyone.

The fedoras weren’t actually fedoras. They were parasitoid flatworms that camouflaged themselves as fedoras in hopes of being worn by potential hosts, in this case nice guys, and then grew thousands of fleshy tendrils throughout the host body. The host was then partially eaten from the inside and filled with the fedora worm’s offspring who continued eating the host until they expired. If they couldn’t be pick up by a potential host in time then they’d just hunt down a nice guy to infect on their own.

And nice guys weren’t the only group being hunted by previously undiscovered species. All over the world incidents like the “nice guy massacre” were happening.

Nazis were being similarly parisitized by giant relatives of Diplozoon paradoxumwho fused during mating and resembled swastikas on clothing.

Billionaires and millionaires were being eaten alive by a new family of cockroaches that resembled coins.

Rapist and sex traffickers were killed and eaten by penis worms.

Racist were straight up hunted and mauled by a subspecies of black bear.

Tyrants and dictators had the most unusual case, as they were all hunted down by a small late surviving genus of Tyrannosaur. There’s even a video on the internet of one of the feathered freaks sneaking up on Kim Jong-un and killing him.

The list could go on and on, but it seemed like all these new species coming out of the woodworks were specifically targeting the worst humanity had to offer. And whenever one of these groups took precautions or tried to protect themselves, the creatures just evolved new strategies and adaptations until the groups went “extinct”. And then most of the creatures disappeared in the wild, although some are still kept in zoos.

Obviously this new biological justice system was eating holes in many governments around the world, but as newer and much more genuinely kind people came in and filled the holes, people stopped complaining.

Now, years later, the world is peaceful. There’s no wars. Nobody is discriminated against. Everyone has equal rights. Climate change is now something that everyone is working to prevent. Humanitarian efforts now underway to bring third world countries up to first world health standards, and with no strings attached either.

Oddly enough, the last of the groups to go extinct was nice guys. I guess nice guys really did finish last.