Hermann Sitz

MONSTERS: Original Creations!



These creatures are among the rare jokers who’s origins are well documented. The first ogreginal was created by a world-famous scientist who declared that he wanted to free his nation from the “plague of the jokers” once for all by creating a perfect predator for their kin. He captured various jokers, including 2032 caterpuckers, and squeezed them into a compact mass that he would later mold into the ogreginal. The crazy foolishness inherent to the jokers was still present in this new monster, but reversed. The orgeginal was filled with a cold, merciless hatred for everything even remotely resembling comedy. This first ogreginal killed it’s own creator after he slipped on a banana peel*, which was tragically misinterpreted by the monster as an attempt at slapstick. The monster devoted it’s life not only to hunt down all the other jokers, but also everyone else who displayed any kind of foolishness. Despite the creature being extremely violent, highly unstable and every bit as psychotic as the other jokers, it was decided to replicate it and to create an entire army that would seek and destroy a place known as “Joker’s Hive”. Many epic battles followed in what was to be known as the 'Rubber Chicken War'. It was originally planned to dismantle all the ogreginals after the destruction of the Hive. However, the ogreginals were spared after it was discovered that smoking large cigars allowed the monsters to control their urge to smash the skull of everyone who did as much as giggle in their presence. Nowadays, many orgeginals work as censors in large media corporations.

*Later investigations found that it was actually a stray slipstick, which shouldn’t surprise anyone.



These yellow, elephantine monstrosities try to appear kind and helpful in order to gain the trust of their prey. They will often “befriend” children, only to devour them when they consider it the most “hilarious”. It would appear that they feed exclusively on homo sapiens, but they do accept zombie-meat and cell cultures created in the laboratory, which allows even rather soft-hearted individuals to keep them as minions. However the plastophant is constantly longing for fresh meat and will use it’s considerable intellect to hatch schemes that will lead fresh humans right into it’s gullet.



A rare wormbrain whose colony of parasitic worms shows truly peculiar adaptations. The worms living in this creature’s abdomen are complex, living instruments, each able to produce a unique range of sounds by harvesting the host’s flatulence. In order to attract prey as well as potential hosts for the founding of new colonies, the worms emerge from the wormchestra’s rear and play songs that are supposed to be especially appealing to the target. If the worms manage to get the right tune, the victim will fall into a trance and try to localize the source of the song. If the victim is of the species homo sapiens and considered a worthy host, the song of the worms will hypnotize it into kissing the wormchestra on the mouth, for the parasite’s eggs are transmitted by the saliva of the mutated hostbody. Since the worm colony cannot possibly know the kind of music that would trigger the trance in a specific victim, it has to make solid guesses and adapt to local customs and trends. There are many horrible stories about wormchestras tricking young lovesick women by playing wedding songs.



A common result of zombies attempting to mate, these small creatures spend most of their existence underground to avoid direct exposure to any source of light. Being mostly blind and deaf, their main mode of perception is trough vibrations. Once it senses a suitable prey standing over it’s current position, the molelilu will break through the ground with it’s claws and grab the victim, trying to pull it underground. If the victim happens to be larger and stronger than the zombiespawn, it will usually try to bite huge chunks of flesh out of it and then retreat as quickly as possible. The nails and the hair of the molelilu grow all the time and can reach considerable lenghs. It is believed that molelilus are really mutated festerlings who managed to bury themselves right after their “birth”.



Monsters of this kind are often found in ancient dungeons, where they are guarding huge, hangar-like hallways. Being of a childish, playful nature, the ecksteine love nothing more than to fall down on their rectangular bellies and slide over the ground on their own goo in mind-boggling speed, squishing everything in their path. Or at least everything that happens to be softer and less robust than the monster’s diamond-hard carapace. The goo is produced by two “fountains” on the beast’s back. After a victim has been squished, the goo can get sucked back into the monster’s orifices, for it’s primary function besides assisting in locomotion is to digest and absorb food. Before it attacks, the eckstein is known to sing a verse in an ancient, long-forgotten tongue that goes something like “Eins zwei drei vier ECKSTEIN, Alles muss zerquetscht sein!”. Experts have been unable to translate this verse or even identify the language, but most of them agree that it’s probably some crude play with words.



Assistanz are quite common and are often found near laboratories and large construction sites, where they will offer their help to everyone they meet. The only right thing to do in these situations is to make it as clear as possible to the creature that it’s help is not needed. The absence of an clear answer is considered as a “Yes” by the monster, and it will start “assisting” it’s victims, creating elaborate mischief. This includes imitating their behaviour in inappropriate ways, deliberately misinterpreting every order it is given and coming up with new methods to “improve” working conditions. Especially smart assistanz will first disguise themselves and appear as loyal and efficient helpers, waiting for the right moment to reveal their true nature and strike when it hurts the most.



With most of the parasitic worms concentrated in the hands of the hostbody, this monster attacks by “scratching” it’s victims while the worms emerge from under it’s fingernails. On every hand, there are three worms equipped with specialized stingers that allow the colony to insert thousands of eggs into the target. The worms emerging from the thumbs however have a completely different function: they are used to impale suitable prey and tear it’s flesh apart for easy ingestion. The original mouth of the hostbody is completely atrophied. Though worms dwell in both of the monster’s hands, hardly any crepusgratte is ambidextrous: most of them will either be “left-handed” or “right-handed”. Since crepusgratte rely mostly on their touch for orientation, most of them are found underground in the endless dungeons and sewers of Mortasheen city. Hearing the scratching of a crepusgratte nearby after running out of matches is a truly unpleasant experience.



A curious byproduct of monster creation, these tiny parasites travel trough the air in large swarms in search for suitable hosts. Once they discover a target, each monster will delicately pluck out one of the victim’s hairs and take it’s place. If this happens while the victim is asleep, it might not even be aware that it’s original pilosity has been replaced by tiny invaders, for migratory hairs are masters of disguise and can adapt their color and shape for perfect camouflage. Many of their victims are utterly surprised when they suddenly shed their hair in summer and see it migrating towards the polar regions. Domesticated breeds of migh can prove useful in various fields, including hairstyle and the clothing industry. The most intelligent among them can even be used as spies.



These creatures belong to a series of bioengeneered golems that are equipped with a biological powercell. This "powercell" happens to be a strange material that grows like a fungus and looks like it was made out of birds (feathers and beaks and all). Yes. Dugolems are made in the laboratory from scratch and can take many different forms, even though roughly humanoid designs are the most common. Their main body is mostly made of cartilage and bony structures. They even lack muscles in the traditionnal sense. All of this was done to minimize the weaknesses that go with organic components. Still the creation needs energy to move and to repair itself. This energy is offered by the powercell, which has its own highly efficient digestive tract. All the dugolem needs to do is to feed the powercell on a regular basis, which is mostly done during battles. If the powercell is destroyed beyond possible regeneration, the dugolem quickly runs out of energy and goes into a hibernation that can go on for thousands of years until someone offers it a new power source. The "eyes" of dugolem's powercell can't actually see. They are really a special weapon that is used to hypnotize and terrify the dugolem's adversaries.



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