Written by Jonathan Wojcik


   I'm pretty sure it's physically impossible to not find Kabutops awesome. It looks uncannily like some undiscovered strain of Zerg or some other Gigeresque space-demon, but it's actually one of Pokemon's quasi-feasible moments of speculative evolution; if trilobites never died out, who's to say they really couldn't slowly turn into bipedal, amphibious super-predators with raptorial forelimbs? Kabutops is a trilo-mantis. A giant trilo-mantis. And it's fast. And we've seen it hunting in packs. It's everything Velociraptors were in Jurassic Park, only it trades the ability to open doorknobs for a jointed exoskeleton which, in the real world, could probably deflect bullets.

And just like the made-up monster "raptors" in Jurassic park, the fools brought them back to life.

   Like all "fossil" pokemon, Kabutops can actually be resurrected directly from a sample of its ancient, petrified remains with a machine that probably functions more on some sort of blasphemous sorcery than science, and also like all "fossil" pokemon, Kabutops is half rock-type, which has some pretty interesting implications.

   Most fans presume that the fossil pokemon are all part "rock" in some playful nod to the term "stone age" or the craggy, rocky perception of the prehistoric world, but it's entirely possible that many of these creatures are only infused with living stone because they're still partially "fossilized." The man-made resurrection process works with what it has, rebuilding the one fully-organic organism as a half-petrified abomination of science (or voodoo, whatever). Luckily, pokemon are fully capable of adapting to this kind of crap, to the point that undead fossil-monsters like Kabutops can freely breed and produce similarly fossilized offspring.

   Oh, and did I mention there's in-universe proof that pokemon like Kabutops once hunted normal, non-pokemon wildlife? Now you know where the hell all of it went.