I've been running
this sad little website since early 2001, and let me tell you something:
over the course of more than five years, I have been e-mailed about my
website less than two dozen times. And of all this multitudinous fan-mail
I've had to wade through, nearly half of it was asking something or other
See, it all started
back in 1992, when I received a couple of highly unusual toys from my Aunt
as a Christmas present. Made of solid, nonposeable rubber, they all came
with a wide array of potentially hazardous accessories, the same terrible
mini-comic-book, and packaging most confident in the franchise's potential
stardom. Cut to nearly a decade later, and I'm sitting at home scanning
character artwork off a scrap of said packaging that I dug up from a
toolshed. At the time, I thought a couple of pictures and one paragraph
about an obscure toy line was a perfectly noteworthy addition to my sparse
little corner of the internet, but little did I realize that these things
were very thoroughly ingrained in my generation's subconscious, and that
virtually nowhere else on the internet had ever so much as acknowledged
them. As one of Google's few results for the word "Snailiens", that
sorry-ass snippet generated more conversation for me than everything else on
the website combined.
So what the hell
were these things, anyway? Well, pictured above is my only remaining duo
from the line: the evil lunar-tick, "Drool", and his adorable parasitic
assistant, "Drippy". Standing a little over three and a half inches high,
each solid-rubber figure came with its own plastic snap-on armor, one
sidekick, two soft-rubber "satellites", and what was supposed to be their
main selling point: The "Turbo-flex Shell".
demonstrated by the diagram, this brilliant device was one of those hollow
rubber domes (a classic party favor and frequent vending machine prize) that
snap back into shape when flipped inside-out to rocket themselves clear
across the room...only ten times bigger and as tough as tire rubber. What's
more, they encouraged you to load it with small objects and then had the
audacity to advise against aiming them at fellow life-forms.
The Snailien's Dumb Story
(Copied verbatim from booklet - IT'S NOT MY FAULT)
FRANCISCO. The home of eight-year-old Max, his twin sister Mabel, and their
baby brother Monty. Beneath the hustle and bustle of six little feet, lay
another world, six feet below those six little feet, in a universe known as
CRAWLSPACE, where life slows to a crawl.
FRANCISCO. The heart of the snail community on Earth. "A snail's pace makes
for a happy place.", and if Snail Francisco's citizens agreed on one thing,
it was life could rush by you unless you knew how to "take it slow".
bad times were coming--and fast! The Lunarticks, under the iron pincered
rule of Zug, the Supreme, have targeted Earth for Tick Infestation and plan
to launch their invasion by conquering Snail Francisco!
Francisco is ours," promises Zug, "We'll commence Operation Headstart to
infect every host child on the planet!"
these three will be our first heady conquests," adds Armorkillo.
"Snail Francisco, here we come!" drools Drool.
the onslaught of the Lunartick invasion, the intergalacticks ally themselves
with a rebel group of insect defectors called the Infects to help
secure their vile victory. The Lunarticks equip the Infects with their own
Turbo Flex shells that also fire the parasitic projectiles called
satalice into the heart of an unsuspecting snail populace.
the ensuing mayhem, a lone snail managed to escape and sends out a desperate
call for help on the shallow hope that someone might heed their plea.
deep in the outer realms of Crawlspace, in the agalaxy known as Crust
Station 7, that shallow hope is answered.
salvage ship, the S. Cargo, manned by a crew of Interstellar snails called
Snailiens, picks up the faint distress call. Though they are under directive
not to interfere with other worlds, the four Snailiens can't ignore the
desperate call for help.
must heed their need". says the captain.
"Their only hope is us not saying nope", adds the chief
Snailiens change course for Earth to attempt a renegade rescue mission.
the leadership of their captain, the Snailiens don their exo-armor and
armaments. Fighting fire with fire, the Snailiens use their Sonic Shells and
Shellshots to battle the clear and present danger of the Lunartick scourge.
"Let's kick some tick!" rallies the captain.
Lunarticks take a licking but keep on ticking.
the Snailiens battle to save Snail Francisco, Max, on his way home from
school, spots the abandoned S. Cargo in the bushes in front of his house. "Way
cool shell," coos Max and decides to keep it.
Before the Snailiens can do anything to stop him, Max takes the space ship
inside and places his new prized possession on the highest shelf of his
should keep Monty away from it," Max beams, secure that his baby
brother--and tragically, the Snailiens too-- will never be able to get to
price the Snailiens have paid to become heroes is a high one. Stranded,
strangers in a strange new world, the Snailiens realize they'll never see
their home again.
we have now is each other", encourages the Snailien captain. "And our
memories to keep our home alive in our hearts."
act of unselfish courage the Snailiens decide to join the cause and help the
Snails in their struggle against the Lunarticks and save Snail Francisco and
all childrenkind from tick infestation.
by the Snailiens plight, the citizens of Snail Francisco vow to help their
new allies once the Lunarticks are defeated. Unable to pronounce their
native Snailienese names, the Snailmates give each Snailien a new name,
knighting them in honor of the great leaders who have come before them--and
also happened to drop out of the pockets from the upworld into theirs.
Go, S. Cargo!!!", cheers all of Snail Francisco.
so on that day, with pride in their bearing, looking bravely out at this new
world before them, the real adventure for our Snailien heroes was about to
...Wasn't that great? No? WELL
THAT'S TOO BAD, because we're only half finished here!
-The complete SNAILIENS Cast of Characters-
|-The Heroic Snailiens and their
Jefferson and Jet
Zug and Itchy
Armokillo and Wart
Drool and Drippy
...This continues to be the most visited, most linked to page in my entire archive, but believe it or not, bogleech.com is about more than just Snailiens! Head back to the homepage for some bonus, non-snailiens material!!!
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