" BURGRR YUM "

A large corporation's server was hacked, and information of its clients and employees leaked. Among the materials released were the entirety of E-mails stored in its database.



Although the leak did not reveal any illegal activities or scandals, nevertheless the invasion of privacy, plus the embarrassing content of some of the E-mails, led to the eventual bankruptcy of the corporation, and absorption of its assets.



The original E-mail message dump no longer exists, but copies of the data may still exist.



One series of E-mail messages concerned an employee, who had hired a private investigator.



Apparently the investigator rarely sent messages to this address, but on this ocassion had done so out of urgency. The body of the message did not elucidate any further, and the employee had not replied, at least not from this address.



The investigator had sent a file containing a picture of a paper. A paper purported to have been recovered from the stomach of an unidentified deceased 48 year-old African American male. Multiple crumpled balls of paper were found, but only one was partially legible.



Flattened out, the paper appears to have been printed on standard A4 paper, and is heavily stained and damaged. 



Supposedly, it currently in a plastic evidence bag which resides in evidence box #33982424. No other information is known about evidence box #33982424 and its victim; no dates, no locations, no assigned detectives. The current physical location of this box is unknown.



The employee, and the man he hired, both disappeared after the leak.



The following is a reproduction of the paper's contents:







Item ordered: "SPAGETTY AN MEETBOLS: TO SLURP IS THE SOURCE"



Item dispensed: Styrofoam clamshell that contains what appear to be pale worms writhing in a thick meat sauce with meatballs.



Analysis: Worms are actually unknown species of hagfish, unusually long and thin and lacking a digestive tract. Sauce is clotted blood and bile from brown pelican.  



Meatballs are rectal polyps, genetically matched to donkey.







Item ordered: "FRENCH FRY"



Item dispensed: Thick cut fries.



Analysis: Fries composed of fly pupae compressed into sticks and bound with protein glue. Some pupae were still viable, and after 48 hours adult flies resembling  human warble botflies emerged, but expired immediately. All flies lacked abdomens.







Item ordered: "LAZANYYAA #API TYN MEEL: AN THRILL BETWIXT BLANKETS"



Item dispensed: Plastic box containing rubbery-looking yellowish grey sheets, covered in tiny villa-like projections, layered with a dark brownish red sauce and a  



pale cream sauce in the style of lasagna.



Analysis: Pasta sheets are tripe from unknown ruminant. Brown sauce is blended bovine liver with viable Ancylostoma nematodes. Cream sauce is pureed slurry of  termites.







Item ordered: "ALLFREDZ FETAL CHINNY"



Item dispensed: Plate of fettuccini in a shrimp Alfredo sauce.



Analysis: Sauce composed of blended bone marrow and brain matter of unknown rodent, closely related to South American tree porcupine. Fettuccini strips of intestine identified as from Mola mola. Shrimp, despite appearance, are not crustacean in origin. Nuclear DNA indicate unknown species of delphinid, but cell protein markers  and mitochondrial DNA is a match to common dromedary camel.







Item ordered: "WHICH IS GRATEFUL"



Item dispensed: Entire carcass of turkey, deep-fried.



Analysis: Genetically identified as domestic turkey. While limbs and body wall are thoroughly cooked, within body cavity entrails still completely raw. Possesses 5  pairs of lungs, 2 pairs non-functional and connected to the kidneys instead of the trachea. Gut packed full with whole nails, identified as unknown species of  lemur.







Item ordered: "BAKON CHEEZBURGER: MEAT MEAT MEAT IN MEAT"



Item dispensed: Large size cheeseburger with extra bacon strips.



Analysis: Bacon strips are long sections from a very large unknown cestoid tapeworm. Proglottids still mobile, contain viable ova. Patty is an unusual flattened  neotenic ascidian, but instead of notochord possesses shrunken and vestigial vertebral column composed of cartilage.







Item ordered: "KALZONEY: TUBE OF ENJOY"



Item dispensed: Slimy flesh tube, filled with what appears to be finely grated cheese.



Analysis: Identified as dissected nasal cavity of moose, turned inside out. Filling composed of a mass of common blowfly eggs, plus several unknown species. Many  



had already hatched and were feeding.







Item ordered: "LAMMSHPPE; THAT IS HAS NOT"



Item dispensed: What appear to be charred lambchops, five in total.



Analysis: Testing indicates that objects are cross sections from an unusually shaped holuthurian. Despite heavy heat damage, sections continued to press against  each other as if attempting to reform. Analysis shows infection by various types of rhinovirus (common cold), including sixteen unknown strains, all still viable. 







Item ordered: "SHEBLEEEEEEEEEEE}}}}]"



Item dispensed: Tall clear plastic drinking container, with clear dome cap and bendy straw attached to side. Container is filled with an orange goo that holds its  shape. Despite appearance of a frozen slush drink, item is room temperature.



Analysis: Testing indicates goo mostly comprised of nonanomalous sea anemone eggs, mixed with histotroph (uterine milk) of unknown species of elasmobranch closely  related to South American freshwater stingrays. Goo is capable of very slow ameboid movement, attracted to body heat; mechanism unknown.







Item ordered: "A TUBE FOOD"



Item dispensed: Cooked entire colon.



Analysis: Colon of domestic goat, cooked uncleaned with its contents still intact. Unremarkable except for presence of human teeth in bowel contents







Item ordered: "MORE SATIATION FOR COMBINE OF TAST!"



Item dispensed: What appears to be a lizard, battered and deep-fried on a stick.



Analysis: Item is axolotl but with degenerate heart and liver. Despite being cooked, rapidly regenerates any pieces that are bitten off until head is removed.







Item ordered: "JUMBO SHRMPERS WITH DISSOLVED BORTER"



Item dispensed: What appear to be six large prawns, almost 20 cm in length, crumb-coated and fried, with a small container of melted butter.



Analysis: Prawns are massive specimens of unknown Lepismatid (silverfish). Tissues sampled indicate high levels of pathogenic E. coli. Crumb coating identified as  brine shrimp (Artemia). "Borter source" is blood serum and suspended fat globules from unknown reptile closely related to the tuatara.







Item ordered: "ITCHY PHALANGE OF AQUATIC AN TARTR SOURS"



Item dispensed: Nine battered fish sticks, with small container of tartar sauce.



Analysis: Fish sticks composed largely (75%) of compressed botfly maggots (6 species, 4 unknown). Remainder is basking shark. Gut contents of maggots reveal  



mammalian flesh, and an unusual herpesvirus, incapable of infecting humans or any of our test animals. "Tartr sours" is semen, spermatozoa ameboid and aflagellate,  from unknown pinniped (despite morphology). Spermatozoa was shown to be capable of fertilizing both walrus and human ova, which results in [DATA EXPUNGED]. After  the incident, all samples of the herpesvirus were incinerated. No further tests to be done on sperm.







Item ordered: "FIRM SCREAM AGONY OVUM"



Item dispensed: Very large misshappen egg, slightly smaller than an ostrich egg.



Analysis: Egg turned out to be hardboiled, contained whole adult bird, unknown species of ratite with vestigial plumage. Entire reproductive system prolapsed  through cloaca, everted inside out. Shell secreting membranes line the inside of the shell. Lungs, airway, air sacs and gut completely filled with yolk.







Item Ordered: "HAPY HAPY JIGGLY"



Item dispensed: Whole specimen of Cyanea jellyfish.



Analysis: Unanomalous. Nematocysts still active.



Addendum: Gastric contents revealed to be a mixture of marine amphipods and dermestid larvae.







Item ordered: "STAKE WITH BUTOR"



Item dispensed: Porterhouse steak, cooked medium rare, with a large dollop of butter on top.



Analysis: Butter was unanomalous beef suet; traces of residual blood show freshness. Steak initially determined to be bovine; further analyses showed chimeric  composition of tissue. Cell lineages identified include tilapia, halibut and muskrat.







Item ordered: "BUFF HALLO WINGS OF SPSHUL SOURCE!"



Item dispensed: What appear to be bat wings, fried and smothered in a brown sauce.



Analysis: Bat wings identified as unknown species of tent-building bat, far larger than any known species. Perform flapping movements when exposed to ultraviolet  light; mechanism unknown. Brown sauce identified as pureed earwigs and highly decomposed fish. Amino acid analysis and bone remnants indicates fish of marine  origin, most likely pollack and cod.







Item Ordered: "SAWMMON SOOSHIE"



Item dispensed: Four oblongs of rice, two topped with pieces of raw salmon, two topped with salmon roe.



Analysis: "Rice" is cooked termite nymphs. 50% harbor viable filaria of an unknown type that perish in gastric acid but thrive in mildly alkaline conditions.  



"Salmon" unidentified avian maniraptoran sarcoma, genetic analysis indicates unknown dromaesaurid. "Roe" unusually colored eyeless and limbless species of ostracod.







Item Ordered: "WRIP WRAP SNIPE"



Item dispensed: What appears to be a large round haggis.



Analysis: Histology indicate outer casing is bovine pulmonary mucinous cyst of unusual size. Contents were clean bones devoid of flesh, sawed into cross sections;  marrow replaced by hair. Genetic analysis of hair and bones reveal it to be same individual, identified as a male two-clawed yeti suffering from rickets. 







Item Ordered: "KIDDIE BURGAR: FOR THE NEOTENY"



Item dispensed: Small cheeseburger



Analysis: Burger patty identified as hairless complete bovine globus amorphous. "Cheese" modified placenta.







Item Ordered: "HOWLING SUNCYCLE"



Item dispensed: What appear to be two scoops of chocolate ice cream topped with fudge and whipped cream.



Analysis: "Ice cream" are masses of live tubifex worms; each mass is also comprised of a large amount of fecal material. Whipped cream is whipped albumin. Fudge is  partially clotted, fully hemolyzed blood from green anaconda.







Item Ordered: "TOFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



Item dispensed: A block of plain tofu. Was dispensed with a large amount of cyanide gas and hydrogen sulfide, which resulted in instant expiration of test subject.



Analysis: Diseased brain tissue from unknown primate suffering from prion-induced spongiform enchephalitis. Tests show prions highly volatile and extremely  virulent, and capable of infecting wide variety of organisms, including bacteria. Positive airborne transmission; resistant to caustic sterilization techniques.  



Sample was destroyed and Site 14 under Level Triple-Omega Quarantine until further notice. Pending authorization of nuclear sterilization.







Item Ordered: "HAT SALAD"



Item dispensed: Green salad with an oily dressing.



Analysis: "Lettuce" severely malformed feathers of unknown avian; analysis of accompanying louse species hint at bird closely related to the kakapo. Tomato slices  cross-sections of agouti hearts, subjected to unknown chemical processes. Oil dressing comprised of cod liver oil. Dressing contain viable Gyrostigma ova closely  related to the rhino stomach botfly. If ingested, eggs will hatch and maggots will feed and grow, but fail to metamorphose. Instead, they continue growing until  they rupture the digestive tract. Largest specimen so far is about 118 cm in length and weighs around 86 kg, currently living in carefully maintained, surgically  modified human host.







Item Ordered: "COW OF THE NEST"



Item dispensed: Gelatinous-looking, gourd-shaped, completely limbless creaure nearly a foot long. Glistening translucent red skin, showing what are presumably organs. No discernible head.



Analysis. N/A. Specimen detonated soon after dispensing, no trace recovered. Test subject's soft tissues completely pulverized/liquified, but clothes and skeletal elements completely undamaged.







Item Ordered: "EARLY SERIAL WITH SECRETE PRIZE!"



Item dispensed: A number of live brittle stars writhing in blue milk. All expired within a few minutes.



Analysis: Brittle stars unknown species but otherwise unanomalous. Milk is horseshoe crab hemolymph.



Addendum: One of the brittle stars later identified as unknown stalkless crinoid (feather star). Feather star tissues saturated with batrachotoxin. Presumably this is the "prize".







Item Ordered: "BROWN HASH"



Item dispensed: Three hash browns, golden brown, with very fine, crispy surface.



Analysis: Three different unknown species of adult female rhizocephalan barnacle. Egg sacs contained nothing but yellow fat. Otherwise unanomalous.







Item Ordered: "CURRY DUCK"



Item dispensed: Pinkish, eyeless fish-like creature, body elongated, tapers to a whip-like point. Upper jaw reduced, lower jaw enlarged with needle-like teeth



Analysis: Placed in water of neutral pH and medium hardness. Survived for six days before expiring due to starvation. Creature shows highly reduced skeleton and  musculature, consistent with bathypelagic fish species. Skull missing, only lower jaw remains. Brain highly reduced, enclosed in leathery sac. Mouth does not connect to  esophagus. Gill slits present but reduced. Combined hepatopancreas and only one kidney. Digestive tract nonfunctional, intestine showed what appeared to be several gestating embryos of the same species in various stages of development. Genetic analysis confirms creature and embryos are 100% West Indian manatee.







Item Ordered: "DISSOLV KAKE MAGMA; TERMINAL FEEST"



Item dispensed: Molten fudge cake with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top.



Analysis: "Ice cream" unknown species of unusual spineless sea urchin with decalcified leathery test. Analysis of cake revealed several unknown compounds, bulk of  cake made with flour made from boll weevils. Molten chocolate center is pureed lamb kidneys, genetic analysis reveal chromosomal abnormalities.







Item ordered: "JENGLGBAG UNGAG"



Item dispensed: Raw gallbladder



Analysis: Gallbladder determined to be from grizzly bear, but unusually all cells sampled so far lack mitochondria. Gallbladder contains a large white grub with  needle-like projections, curled up and occupying the entire space. Grub has been subjected to pickling and brining process. Analysis indicates unknown species of  pentastomid.







Item Ordered: "BARBQ GRRL SPESIL WINKWINK"



Item dispensed: 1 large cheeseburger, topped with fried onion rings and barbecue sauce.



Analysis: Burger 100% water buffalo, but otherwise identical to previous burgers. Onion rings are in fact fried calamari. Barbecue sauce is shrimp paste, fried until partially caramelized. Otherwise nonanomalous.



Addendum: All male agents and researchers that handled this item later reported severe scrotal pain and were rushed to ER. Biopsy revealed large number of squid spermatphores burrowing outward, path indicate initial starting location were testes. DNA matched no known species of squid, and sperm, although motile, lacked nuclei.







Item Ordered: "BOTULISM:: SO GOOD"



Item dispensed: Roast avian carcass.



Analysis: Roast California condor stuffed with turkey vulture carcass stuffed with large pike, pike stuffed with several roast quail, each stuffed with a tarantula, each abdomen of which is stuffed with lumpfish caviare. Each item heavily saturated with Clostridium botulinum.







Item Ordered: "MOCKING SOOP"



Item dispensed: Thick bony, leathery plate or disc, around 30 cm in diameter.



Analysis: Unknown genus of softshell turtle, limbs and head inverted and trapped within body. Almost entire body cavity taken up by enormous hydatid cyst. Compression of other organs incompatible with life. Protoscolices recovered from cyst are from unknown species and unusually are capable of active crawling and swimming.