By Jonathan Wojcik and Rev Storm


You know who's WEIRD? Wizards! We all know witches kick ass, but wizards? UGH! Why do they always have to be so damn weird! In Elden Ring they get up to wizardry so weird, you won't even know what to do with these dingbats! I mean, come on, what is that now? Are you for real, guys? Care to explain this one?

Oh, okay, you do. Here we go. "The primeval current is a forbidden tradition of glintstone sorcery. To those who cleave to its teachings, the act of collecting sorcerers to fashion them into the seeds of stars is but another path of scientific inquiry."

Scienti...SCIENTIFIC INQUIRY? You made a giant beach ball of wizard heads that floats around barfing magic and you have the audacity to describe any part of that business with the word "scientific?!" And in broad daylight even! Disgusting!!! I don't know what "fashioning sorcerers into the seeds of stars" means to you freaks but I still know it's in the top ten dumbest ideas wizards have ever had and all of a wizard's ideas are in fact always the most dumbest!!! ever!!!!

The most we can come to understand this CLOWN CIRCUS of a monster is to rewind a bit back and get a load of these idiots in their non-spherical state. "Sorcerors" in Elden Ring are people who experiment with glintstone, a mineral that is to magic as plutonium is to radiation. There's also some stuff about how it might be the crystallized blood of the outer beings who constitute their universe's stars and SNOOOOOORRRRRE boring wizard crap am I right!?

So, get this, some of these nincompoops make themselves wizardier by wearing glintstone "crowns." Now maybe you think that sounds reasonable, but when they say "crown," they mean a giant stone version of their own entire head:

...And by "wearing," I mean a glintstone crown eventually replaces a wizard's head and brain. They are headless bodies, piloted around by the giant rock bobbleheads they uploaded their memories into. I know, right? NERD ALERT!!!

One such geekazoid is the sorceress Sellen, an NPC merchant with her own elaborate questline. She was actually thrown out of wizard college and called a witch, so she's almost cool, but unfortunately she still wants to be some kind of big deal wizard. She'll take you under her lame wizard wing as her apprentice, you collect some weirdo stuff for her messed up crazy ideas, you kill some other wizards and yadda yadda guess what happens to her in the end?? I dare you to guess.

LOOOOOOSER!!! HAHA get a load of this big stupid idiot!!! Sure hope that's the last we hear about any DUMB wizards!!!!