Written by Jonathan Wojcik


At the time of this writing, the latest generation of Pokemon is about a week from its official release, but leave it to leakers and hackers to have spilled much of its content to the public for over a month now. So, maybe you've already gone and spoiled the heck out of yourself, but maybe you still missed the fact that innumerable classic monsters come with entirely new Pokedex information, rather than the same two to three reiterated factoids we're accustomed to seeing.

This is, perhaps, in part because the new Alolan pokedex is a sentient being, a Rotom to be precise, and nobody knows pokemon like another pokemon, right?

The fact that this pokedex is technically possessed by a ghost may also explain why so many of these new entries are more unsettling than ever before. Many websites have aready reported on the subject, but I'm not letting that stop me from sharing my own favorites. After all, it fits right in with Halloween II! HAPPY HALLOWEEN II!!!!!! HAPPY POKEMON MONTH!!!! NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED THIS MONTH!!!! EVERYTHING IS FINE!!!!!


"Its shell is filled with its soft innards. It doesn’t move much because of the risk it might carelessly spill its innards out."


"Kadabra’s presence infests televisions and monitors with creepy shadows that bring bad luck."


" Sometimes they drink so much blood, they can’t fly anymore. Then they fall to the ground and become food for other Pokémon. "


" No matter how much it eats, the mushrooms growing on its back steal away most of the nutrients it consumes. "


" Mega Evolution fuels its brutality, and it may even turn on the Trainer who raised it. It’s been dubbed "the blood-soaked crescent. "


" It has a sad history. In the past, its dorsal fin was a treasured foodstuff, so this Pokémon became a victim of overfishing. "


" To help make its wings grow, it dissolves quantities of prey in its digestive juices and guzzles them down every day. "


" Legend says a boulder on an icy mountain absorbed the distress and regrets of a stranded mountaineer, giving rise to Glalie. "


" It envelops prey in its mouth, freezing them instantly. But its jaw is dislocated, so it's unable to eat them. "


" If a Luvdisc is left on its own, it becomes despondent, leaving itself open to attack. That is when Pelipper snatch them up. "


" If for some reason its body bursts, its soul spills out with a screaming sound. "


" There was once an incident in which a man took a trip riding a Drifblim, only to go missing. "


" They dwell in cold places. This Pokémon’s main food source in Alola is Vulpix and Sandshrew, which they carefully divide among their group. "


" It circles in the sky, keeping a keen eye out for Pokémon in a weakened state. Its choicest food is Cubone. "


"They adorn themselves beautifully with bones. This is supposedly an effort to attract males, but no male Mandibuzz have ever been found."


" As soon as it finds a male to be its partner, the beautiful flower on its head darkens, droops, and withers away. "


" For a time, their numbers increased explosively in Alola. Since the arrival of Grimer, their population has decreased dramatically. "


" After recent environmental improvements, this Pokémon is now hardly seen at all. People speculate that it may go extinct at some point. "


" The soul of a woman lost on a snowy mountain possessed an icicle, becoming this Pokémon. The food it most relishes is the souls of men. "


"When it finds humans or Pokémon it likes, it freezes them and takes them to its chilly den, where they become decorations."


" It has trouble drawing a line between friends and food. It will calmly try to melt and eat even those it gets along well with. "


" It strikes at humans from total darkness. Those licked by its cold tongue grow weaker with each passing day until they die. "


" It has been known to become so angry that it dies as a result. Its face looks peaceful in death, however."


" Thanks to Mega Evolution, its child grows. But as the child is good only at fighting and nothing else, its mother feels uneasy about its future. "


"The skull it wears on its head is that of its dead mother. According to some, it will evolve when it comes to terms with the pain of her death."


" When it Mega Evolves, it becomes more vicious than ever before. Some say that’s because its excess of power is causing it pain."


"It apparently wishes for a traveling companion. Since it was once human itself, [WAIT, WHAT?!?] it tries to create one by taking the lives of other humans."