Written by Jonathan Wojcik
AFTER ARMAGEDDON:
EFREET FORMS
CONTENT PROVIDED BY CRASHCARNIVAL
We've seen what passes in this game for dragons and golems. Now it's time to meet the many peculiar shapes taken by Jokos the Efreet.
DEFAULT FORM
The basic Efreet is probably my least favorite of the monsters offered, though that isn't saying much when almost all of them are, by design, very basic and unmemorable before they evolve.
The basic Efreet is probably my least favorite of the monsters offered, though that isn't saying much when almost all of them are, by design, very basic and unmemorable before they evolve.
GYURAI
You know, they're actually the LEAST exciting almost every single time, so let's review the four "ultimate" evolutions first. Why not? Gyurai isn't that bad, sort of a xenomorph-looking creature with a bunch of thick cables, but we've all seen how much weirder the monsters in this game can get.
You know, they're actually the LEAST exciting almost every single time, so let's review the four "ultimate" evolutions first. Why not? Gyurai isn't that bad, sort of a xenomorph-looking creature with a bunch of thick cables, but we've all seen how much weirder the monsters in this game can get.
KRITOUWA
Our next "ultimate" isn't bad either, and another with a Giger alien vibe, but also kind of an eyeless dinosaur vibe. Certainly one of the most interesting of all the ultimate evolutions we've seen so far, but it is going to pale in comparison to some of the other things Efreet can morph into.
Our next "ultimate" isn't bad either, and another with a Giger alien vibe, but also kind of an eyeless dinosaur vibe. Certainly one of the most interesting of all the ultimate evolutions we've seen so far, but it is going to pale in comparison to some of the other things Efreet can morph into.
HEGSTRADEUS
This one meanwhile is completely underwhelming. This grey, horned devil man gets a big old MEH from me.
This one meanwhile is completely underwhelming. This grey, horned devil man gets a big old MEH from me.
WIZASLAKE
The last of the Efreet's ultimate forms is at least pretty over the top, a bearded genie man with "wings" that look more like they're covered in pangolin scales than feathers, and a torso that's one massive, gaping skull! I'd like it better if the humanoid head on top was also a skull, or at least less like a regular old man in any case, but, this is overall a decent one.
...But, now for the GOOD stuff!
The last of the Efreet's ultimate forms is at least pretty over the top, a bearded genie man with "wings" that look more like they're covered in pangolin scales than feathers, and a torso that's one massive, gaping skull! I'd like it better if the humanoid head on top was also a skull, or at least less like a regular old man in any case, but, this is overall a decent one.
...But, now for the GOOD stuff!
ADRIAN MASK
Yeah! YEAH! That's more like it! A nonsense name for a nonsense design! Who is Adrian, and why is this Adrian's mask? It's like...a faceless gold man, covered in chitin, with a big fat abdomen instead of legs. Alright!
Yeah! YEAH! That's more like it! A nonsense name for a nonsense design! Who is Adrian, and why is this Adrian's mask? It's like...a faceless gold man, covered in chitin, with a big fat abdomen instead of legs. Alright!
BARABUMBLEBO
Oh my goood, BARABUMBLEBO! Keep saying it! BARABUMBLEBO!!!! See how fast you can say it!!! Those scales form a pattern very subtly like the whole thing is a giant, humanoid face, but then the mouth extends into that fanged eel head and it all walks around on two long, gangly arms. It's such a threatening creature to be named BARABUMBLEBO, but it does also kinda look like it would bumble around a bit. QUIT THAT BUMBLING, BARABUMLEBO! YOU BUMBLER!!!!
Oh my goood, BARABUMBLEBO! Keep saying it! BARABUMBLEBO!!!! See how fast you can say it!!! Those scales form a pattern very subtly like the whole thing is a giant, humanoid face, but then the mouth extends into that fanged eel head and it all walks around on two long, gangly arms. It's such a threatening creature to be named BARABUMBLEBO, but it does also kinda look like it would bumble around a bit. QUIT THAT BUMBLING, BARABUMLEBO! YOU BUMBLER!!!!
BLACK RASMUTE
A more threatening if equally meaningless name, this is almost a sort of brundlefly-looking mutant, with gnarled flesh, insect limbs and a pair of random red tendrils. The red hole above the eyes might also, possible, represent a mouth, as though its head is twisted around upside-down!
A more threatening if equally meaningless name, this is almost a sort of brundlefly-looking mutant, with gnarled flesh, insect limbs and a pair of random red tendrils. The red hole above the eyes might also, possible, represent a mouth, as though its head is twisted around upside-down!
BRASKELTMIEN
Ooh, unpleasant! This figure has just enough limbs all tangled together that it almost evokes more than one person intertwined with one another, which is all the freakier with such a phallic head and uniformly pale, rubbery, wrinkly flesh.
Ooh, unpleasant! This figure has just enough limbs all tangled together that it almost evokes more than one person intertwined with one another, which is all the freakier with such a phallic head and uniformly pale, rubbery, wrinkly flesh.
CHESDRYMUTE
The efreet sure likes his enlarged lower extremities, doesn't he? This time the groin area featured a fleshy pink limb with a pair of nasty-looking pincers, while the rest of the monster is kind of a fusion of scorpion, dinosaur and...shark, perhaps? That is definitely a kind of sharkish head, in my book.
The efreet sure likes his enlarged lower extremities, doesn't he? This time the groin area featured a fleshy pink limb with a pair of nasty-looking pincers, while the rest of the monster is kind of a fusion of scorpion, dinosaur and...shark, perhaps? That is definitely a kind of sharkish head, in my book.
COBECK RUSE
I don't know what ruse this cobeck is putting on exactly, but it's our third Efreet that we can liken to a Giger Alien, and the coolest looking of those three. Love the splayed shoulder bones!
I don't know what ruse this cobeck is putting on exactly, but it's our third Efreet that we can liken to a Giger Alien, and the coolest looking of those three. Love the splayed shoulder bones!
CRABDEEP
Jokos the Efreet never half-asses a crab! When Jokos goes crab, he goes DEEP! So deep he goes completely beyond looking like a crab into this abstracted giant claw monster that just kind of distills the spirit of crabbliness. It's kind of like the whole body is a pincer!
Jokos the Efreet never half-asses a crab! When Jokos goes crab, he goes DEEP! So deep he goes completely beyond looking like a crab into this abstracted giant claw monster that just kind of distills the spirit of crabbliness. It's kind of like the whole body is a pincer!
DETHYUURI
A simple, multi-armed faceless being, forgettable except for those two spider-like appendages sprouting from its back, which actually go a pretty long way to making this thing more ominous.
A simple, multi-armed faceless being, forgettable except for those two spider-like appendages sprouting from its back, which actually go a pretty long way to making this thing more ominous.
DIRECNOG
A malformed hulk with flaming hands, and a face that makes me think of a fish person. That's about all I can say about Direcnog.
A malformed hulk with flaming hands, and a face that makes me think of a fish person. That's about all I can say about Direcnog.
GAUDIRIZE
Pretty interesting! This greenish humanoid looks almost crystalline, to me, and would just be an odd looking anthropoid if not for that scaly blue tail, ending in a shiny, crescent blade.
Pretty interesting! This greenish humanoid looks almost crystalline, to me, and would just be an odd looking anthropoid if not for that scaly blue tail, ending in a shiny, crescent blade.
GEDTRASEL
Really like this one! At first glance it's just sort of a four-legged beast with elephant tusks, but as its only facial feature, the tusks come across more like beetle mandibles to me, and follow the course of those limbs; the longer hind legs are the ones in front, bent completely over its shoulders!
Really like this one! At first glance it's just sort of a four-legged beast with elephant tusks, but as its only facial feature, the tusks come across more like beetle mandibles to me, and follow the course of those limbs; the longer hind legs are the ones in front, bent completely over its shoulders!
GEIL
Wow, very creepy. A ridged, kind of metallic looking biped with what seems to be a long beak, saw-like snout or even an elongated chin depending on how you want to look at that head.
Wow, very creepy. A ridged, kind of metallic looking biped with what seems to be a long beak, saw-like snout or even an elongated chin depending on how you want to look at that head.
GELDTAPROOLEY
Uhhhhhhhhhhhh you alright there, Geldtaprooley? Is that...normal? For you? I can't even tell which way this thing is going, what's supposed to be a head or face or...I don't know. I don't wanna say what the red part looks like.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhh you alright there, Geldtaprooley? Is that...normal? For you? I can't even tell which way this thing is going, what's supposed to be a head or face or...I don't know. I don't wanna say what the red part looks like.
GERMETAN
Super cool! This one has a body that reminds me of a turtle carapace, but it has such LONG arms and that horrible wormy trunk! This is something that lives in swamp water if I've ever seen it!
Super cool! This one has a body that reminds me of a turtle carapace, but it has such LONG arms and that horrible wormy trunk! This is something that lives in swamp water if I've ever seen it!
GII
Nice! We have some sort of wrinkly, eyeless rat-man with a humongous set of jaws on its back! I bet that little trunk nose is constantly, constantly snuffling around, too, looking for something to gnash to death!
Nice! We have some sort of wrinkly, eyeless rat-man with a humongous set of jaws on its back! I bet that little trunk nose is constantly, constantly snuffling around, too, looking for something to gnash to death!
GORIYAN
I keep wanting to compare this one to a baboon, for some reason, but there's really nothing at all baboon-like about it. Maybe it's the dash of blue. I can't tell if it has a toothless, dark red mouth r a single dark red eye.
I keep wanting to compare this one to a baboon, for some reason, but there's really nothing at all baboon-like about it. Maybe it's the dash of blue. I can't tell if it has a toothless, dark red mouth r a single dark red eye.
GOZEN SUIT
You gotta have something with an octopus head! This is pretty decent as far as those go, with tentacles that ay just as easily be very wavy horns or tusks.
You gotta have something with an octopus head! This is pretty decent as far as those go, with tentacles that ay just as easily be very wavy horns or tusks.
GUREUSUIO
I can't even tell what's going on here, except that the top of its head is almost like an animal skull, a little. Does it just have a big mass of green flesh where it ought to have a mouth?!
I can't even tell what's going on here, except that the top of its head is almost like an animal skull, a little. Does it just have a big mass of green flesh where it ought to have a mouth?!
HICHIFELSHEBALN
A big, fat quasihumanoid with a silly, curly tail and little head tassle that kind of makes me think of a sprouting potato monster. Sorry, HICHIFELSHEBALN. You just say "potato" to me.
A big, fat quasihumanoid with a silly, curly tail and little head tassle that kind of makes me think of a sprouting potato monster. Sorry, HICHIFELSHEBALN. You just say "potato" to me.
HORN DOMINOS
Huh? After all that we just get some green old man with purple horns? Eh. They can't all be winners.
Huh? After all that we just get some green old man with purple horns? Eh. They can't all be winners.
HOSTOLARM
I wonder if this name was the result of just mangling "HOSTILE ARM." It certainly has one very large arm, and it looks pretty hostile to me. I like how chunky and muscly this monster is, and that interesting pattern of green pits in its flesh. The head carries an almost ape-like vibe again, just a very red, very chitinous sort of ape.
I wonder if this name was the result of just mangling "HOSTILE ARM." It certainly has one very large arm, and it looks pretty hostile to me. I like how chunky and muscly this monster is, and that interesting pattern of green pits in its flesh. The head carries an almost ape-like vibe again, just a very red, very chitinous sort of ape.
INCHUCK
WHOA! WHat the hell is this!? It's like a cross between an elephant head and a squid, again, with a vestigial humanoid face at the base of its "trunk," a bunch of brown tendrils instead of a body and a frill of pale, ragged fins almost like dead leaves. TOTALLY surreal, exactly what I like to see!
WHOA! WHat the hell is this!? It's like a cross between an elephant head and a squid, again, with a vestigial humanoid face at the base of its "trunk," a bunch of brown tendrils instead of a body and a frill of pale, ragged fins almost like dead leaves. TOTALLY surreal, exactly what I like to see!
JARADRABE
This humanoid statue with a tail wouldn't be that interesting if it wasn't missing its head and right hand. That's pretty creepy!
This humanoid statue with a tail wouldn't be that interesting if it wasn't missing its head and right hand. That's pretty creepy!
JISJIRAMPARTS
There's an old school Cthulhu Mythos fee to this one, like it should be one of the forms Nyarlathotep might take, or something. The faceless head with just a twisting, fleshy proboscis is genuinely dreadful, and I can just see this awful thing climbing up out of some decrepit, ancient ruins.
There's an old school Cthulhu Mythos fee to this one, like it should be one of the forms Nyarlathotep might take, or something. The faceless head with just a twisting, fleshy proboscis is genuinely dreadful, and I can just see this awful thing climbing up out of some decrepit, ancient ruins.
KEEL HEAD
Wow...is this the first name on this page to just be perfectly coherent and descriptive? Keel Head definitely has a Keel Head. It's a bipdal reptile with a hammerhead shark sort of skull. Cute!
Wow...is this the first name on this page to just be perfectly coherent and descriptive? Keel Head definitely has a Keel Head. It's a bipdal reptile with a hammerhead shark sort of skull. Cute!
MAHABISHUMSERO
Do you know how difficult it can get transcribing so many convoluted names like this? Sheesh. MAHA BISHUM SERO is some sort of green bug with a big tall head, I guess, I don't know. I should like it, but we've seen so many stranger creatures here with so much more character! It's not bad, it's just a little plain.
Do you know how difficult it can get transcribing so many convoluted names like this? Sheesh. MAHA BISHUM SERO is some sort of green bug with a big tall head, I guess, I don't know. I should like it, but we've seen so many stranger creatures here with so much more character! It's not bad, it's just a little plain.
MARTYR DIRAIN
Don't know what this would be a martyr of, but its head kind of reminds me of a skinned pig with droopy ears and extra eyes. It's a pretty scary head to put on a muscular, gold-skinned body with such sinewy limbs.
Don't know what this would be a martyr of, but its head kind of reminds me of a skinned pig with droopy ears and extra eyes. It's a pretty scary head to put on a muscular, gold-skinned body with such sinewy limbs.
MARZTCOOK
What a spooky thing! Yet another Giger-looking monster, but not particularly like his Xenomorph. An eerie, more bulbous being, with a tiny human-like face and big snipper claws.
What a spooky thing! Yet another Giger-looking monster, but not particularly like his Xenomorph. An eerie, more bulbous being, with a tiny human-like face and big snipper claws.
MEKAKOKIMARO
This is another one whose name is very, very fun to say, and the design itself just gushes with personality! It's got a pleasantly plump, fringed body like some sort of cuttlefish, including floppy ribbonlike tentacles for feet, but then it's got this fanged, scaly ogre face and little arms sticking out where the rest of the mollusk should be. Lovable!
This is another one whose name is very, very fun to say, and the design itself just gushes with personality! It's got a pleasantly plump, fringed body like some sort of cuttlefish, including floppy ribbonlike tentacles for feet, but then it's got this fanged, scaly ogre face and little arms sticking out where the rest of the mollusk should be. Lovable!
MUZETENES
Just some weird, skinless guy with no feet, but, I can dig it. Sure. The ribs just look cool!
Just some weird, skinless guy with no feet, but, I can dig it. Sure. The ribs just look cool!
NAIMOZGRA
Another that's mostly just a humanoid, except for one outstandingly weird feature. What IS even going on with this one's head? It's like a golden mask with one of those big scoop things they used to put on the front of trains. You know, to push cows off the tracks or whatever.
Another that's mostly just a humanoid, except for one outstandingly weird feature. What IS even going on with this one's head? It's like a golden mask with one of those big scoop things they used to put on the front of trains. You know, to push cows off the tracks or whatever.
PENCILEN
Pencilen? Do they mean Pennicilin, like it's all moldy? I don't know. It's just some kind of pale gremlin with no eyes.
Pencilen? Do they mean Pennicilin, like it's all moldy? I don't know. It's just some kind of pale gremlin with no eyes.
PROPONTOS
Another kind of plain one. Some kinda strong dude one, I guess.
Another kind of plain one. Some kinda strong dude one, I guess.
PURPRACE
And again!? Yer blowin' it here, Jokos!
And again!? Yer blowin' it here, Jokos!
RIZNALBREK
Eh, a little better. At least this one's got little tentacles all over it.
Eh, a little better. At least this one's got little tentacles all over it.
ROCUUM
Green and grey gnarlyman. Still in a slump here, buddy.
Green and grey gnarlyman. Still in a slump here, buddy.
SANGRIARESCALE
Okay, things are looking up here. A green fish-worm thing with a bunch of squiggly, wormy noodle appendages. Good!
Okay, things are looking up here. A green fish-worm thing with a bunch of squiggly, wormy noodle appendages. Good!
SCODRON
Ehhhhh...less good again....
Ehhhhh...less good again....
SHALEGWARTS
ALRIGHT! Yes! Great! Nonsensical snake-tailed guy, ambiguous extra limb, arbitrary skull head, veiny frills and a mouth with nonsense placement. All fine points, and you can never go wrong with a name that has "WARTS" in it!
ALRIGHT! Yes! Great! Nonsensical snake-tailed guy, ambiguous extra limb, arbitrary skull head, veiny frills and a mouth with nonsense placement. All fine points, and you can never go wrong with a name that has "WARTS" in it!
SHUNOTSALIEN
Another hit! What ARE we looking at here?! Its head and body is just one big broad fan with eerie eyes, and then it has this long, swooping snout-mouth, I guess. Really looks like it probably sucks all the fluids out of other creature.
Another hit! What ARE we looking at here?! Its head and body is just one big broad fan with eerie eyes, and then it has this long, swooping snout-mouth, I guess. Really looks like it probably sucks all the fluids out of other creature.
SKELETAURUS
Well, it's a minotaur with a skull head. It's just what the name implies. Not bad though! I always like a good skull head!
Well, it's a minotaur with a skull head. It's just what the name implies. Not bad though! I always like a good skull head!
SOLOMON MINOV
A monster with a biblical sounding human name for no real reason, except that it's definitely spookier that way. It's a pretty heavily armored looking creature, but with a pair of green snake tails where it ought to have feet, what appears to be a skinny little human arm just kinda sticking out, and a head like an entire green and purple eel! Actually...is that also its mouth? Would it split open all the way down??
A monster with a biblical sounding human name for no real reason, except that it's definitely spookier that way. It's a pretty heavily armored looking creature, but with a pair of green snake tails where it ought to have feet, what appears to be a skinny little human arm just kinda sticking out, and a head like an entire green and purple eel! Actually...is that also its mouth? Would it split open all the way down??
SUFFERFORD
Oh my god. This one is hilarious. Look at it. Its entire torso is an unhappy frog face with a big chin. It's slouching like it's just done, and its name is SUFFERFORD. The fact that it ends like a regular person name is just SO funny to me. Hi, yes, this is my friend Sufferford, whose existence is pure misery. Wait til you meet Wretchedson and Miseryella.
Oh my god. This one is hilarious. Look at it. Its entire torso is an unhappy frog face with a big chin. It's slouching like it's just done, and its name is SUFFERFORD. The fact that it ends like a regular person name is just SO funny to me. Hi, yes, this is my friend Sufferford, whose existence is pure misery. Wait til you meet Wretchedson and Miseryella.
UNDIRE GLECK
This is another whose name intrigues me more than its design, but the design isn't a bad one either. A simple humanoid in shape, sure, but that rugose reddish skin and bug-skull head are a striking combination. It looks like an evil alien race you might see in an episode of Ultraman.
This is another whose name intrigues me more than its design, but the design isn't a bad one either. A simple humanoid in shape, sure, but that rugose reddish skin and bug-skull head are a striking combination. It looks like an evil alien race you might see in an episode of Ultraman.
XENON MASTER
An important sounding name, but this basically just a shaggy yeti with walrus tusks. I'm not so sure this is really a master of xenon at all.
An important sounding name, but this basically just a shaggy yeti with walrus tusks. I'm not so sure this is really a master of xenon at all.
ZEKBRONCOLI
What? Just another...guy? Efreet sure has a lot of these, but at least he balances things out with some good ones. SUCH AS...
What? Just another...guy? Efreet sure has a lot of these, but at least he balances things out with some good ones. SUCH AS...
MARMADRANK
Saving my personal favorite for last, once again! HOLY HELL do I love this thing! The split body, the asymmetrical eye arrangement, the dripping flesh, the simple spike proboscis for the "mouth" of each head...it's a perfect design, and the name is even more perfect. MARMADRANK! That evokes such a freaky, gooey sort of horror to me! Something that's as runny and sticky as marmalade, and wants to just slurp all your guts right out of your skin.
Saving my personal favorite for last, once again! HOLY HELL do I love this thing! The split body, the asymmetrical eye arrangement, the dripping flesh, the simple spike proboscis for the "mouth" of each head...it's a perfect design, and the name is even more perfect. MARMADRANK! That evokes such a freaky, gooey sort of horror to me! Something that's as runny and sticky as marmalade, and wants to just slurp all your guts right out of your skin.
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