Written by Jonathan Wojcik

PetSMART 2019!

Bargain Squeaky Candy Bar

I guess bitten candy bars with eyes are just a thing these days, since we just saw a rather distraught one at Petco and a more masochistic one was at Petsmart just last year. This year's is a lot cuter, stumpier and more neutral looking, but it still says "BITE ME." It's also one of the cheap, $3 dog toys they sell out of bins near the cash registers!

Bargain Mummy

The same bins also provide these flat, simple, green-skinned, one-eyed mummies, a fine combination of mummy details. I know you're not that impressed, but I didn't want to dive STRAIGHT into Petsmart's radder items!

"Boiling Octopus" Aquarium Ornament

It seems that Petsmart's "toxic" aquarium line has been sort of put to rest this year, but only sort of. This octopus is awfully relaxed about being boiled, and much goofier looking than last year's more menacing octopus witch, but parts of it still glow in the dark under certain lighting.

"Crabuala" Aquarium Ornament

A vampire crab!!! ADORABLE!!! There are actual crabs with the common name "vampire crab" too, but that's something totally different. This is just exactly what you would want from a character named "Crabuala," and both its eyes and its fangs have the glow effect! Kind of a shame its medallion doesn't as well, which would have given that a magical, cursed vibe I guess. Also too bad that Crabula is missing a pair of legs! Crabs have TEN limbs!

"Zombie Fish" Aquarium Ornament

This is why I say the toxic mutants have only "sort of" retired, since fits even better with that set than last year's octopus. I love the sorrowful, red eyes and goofy, sharp-toothed smile on this fat fish, the prominent scales look quite nice and the purple is a lovely contrast with its gaping, neon green patches of decomposition!

"Mouth Cave" Aquarium Ornament

The last fish tank item we're looking is far more than the mere "mouth" its name would indicate. It's a scallop with vampire teeth. BLOODY vampire teeth, even! Toothy bivalves appear in a lot of media, but seldom get much attention as monsters and especially not a lot of merchandise!

Exciting, but still not quite as exciting as...


OH MY GOD!!! You KNOW how much I love brains with eyeballs!! You know I look for them damn near everywhere, but what I was just saying about toothed bivalves applies even more to disembodied brains: they are everywhere in our popular culture, yet only rarely get any dolls, figurines, toys or other collectibles to their name. This simple, rubber, squeaky brain with googly cartoon eyes may not be all that exciting or interesting as a character design, but as a physical object you can purchase at all, it's practically one in a million. And at only three bucks, I couldn't possibly have bought just one, so I bought two. If they're still hanging around when everything goes on 50-90% clearance, you can bet I'll be snatching up as many of them as I can, because there's simply no telling if they'll ever return and you NEVER know when you might need a rubber brain with eyes!