The Nightmare Realm of the "Simulation Chocolate Gadgets Scary Toys"
There I was, perusing one of the good lord's Earthly marketplaces for assorted curiosities again, when I happened upon a wholly grotesque set of digital pictomographs. The wares advertised were indeed quite affordable, but with few remaining for sale I hastily purchased their entire remaining stock.
What treasures could have prompted such a feverish impulse?? Yesterdays "Video Tape" may have offered you a glimpse, but no doubt raised many terrible questions.
"THIS PRODUCT CONTAINS AMAZING ITEMS. HYPERTENSION OR TIMID PERSON MUST NOT OPEN THE PACKAGE, SO AS TO AVOID THE EMOTION OF FEAR."
Truer words have never been spoken. Woe to the poor fool whomst, thinking a delectable treat to be imminent, so ignorantly opens one of these accursed packets and, finding the "chocolate" contained therein, dares still proceed to open the confection's doorway, deluded even then by the false promises of some sweet indulgence!?! I daresay such hubris begs the subsequent consequences, but in my rational mind the unspeakable sights contained therein constitute a punishment of a magnitude the very devils themselves have yet to earn.
It is with trembling hand that I document our findings to date.
A LOATHESOME NEONATE
Pallid, clammy, it was a thing with the familiar shape of a human infant, but its trunk swollen, its limbs reduced to uselessness. Even its cries sound like the imitation of some unseen puppeteer.
THE WRETCHED LITTLE MAN
With an oversized head balanced precariously upon its hunched and emaciated little body, it should be an insult to our divine origins to call the thing a man, but there was simply no denying the humanity in its wizened face, its expression all but pleading for its miserable existence to end.
DISGRACEFUL MAN-BEAST
Recognizable to the zoologist as an immature monkey, perhaps Chimpanzee, even suckling its thumb with an infantile innocence. But its stretched, hairless, dull pink body was subtly too humanlike even for an ape.
APPALLING GARGOYLE
The flabby, olive-green figure was uniformly slick and smooth, lacking in much detail. It possessed four arms, a fat face with a simple, round hole for a mouth, and a pair of membranous wings on its back, uselessly fused together with its limbs. A half-finished creature.
DEGENERATE WORM
Who among the sane should devote extensive thought to worms? One need not scholarly knowledge of such matters to know that this was an earthworm, albeit of abnormal proportion and complexion. These were in fact the most abundant of the vile creatures observed.
HEINOUS GOBLIN
This one possessed most certainly the body of a man, but its impossibly pointed nose and long, drooping ears betrayed its inhumanity almost immediately.
REPROBATE VERMIN
Perhaps no more than an ordinary rat, but even the black rats that so plagued grandmother's farmstead were never of such a deeply atramental hue, like the very darkness was scuttling to life.
BALEFUL HOMONCULUS
What impostor of our creator would ever dare birth such a blasphemous mockery? Bulging eyeballs scowled from its prunelike face, batlike ears flopping to the sides as it writhed. Its tubular arms ended in only soft, three-fingered hands, and ribs showed through the translucent green skin of its sexless body.
FLAGITIOUS GHOUL
Another emerald-hued parody of an anthropomorph, though this one possessed an almost hourglass figure and abundant bosom. Its visage was however as repellent as its fellow humanoids; a smooth, noseless egg of a cranium, with hateful eyes and a lipless, toothy snarl.
REGINALD
THE WORST.
UNWHOLESOME TOAD
The putrescently brownish shape was difficult to recognize at first glance, squirming from such unexpected surroundings, but the form of an obscene amphibian was soon evident, another of those creatures conceived of by, perhaps, a weary and pessimistic creator.
ODIOUS HEN
Perhaps some intoxicated lout would have found this nude figure tantalizing, were it not that upon the being's shoulders there rested only the beaked and feathered visage of Gallus gallus domesticus, fleshy wattle dangling so lewdly down its chest.
ABOMINABLE SWINE
There it crouched in the dark cavity of its Milk Chocolate casket. Its bony, yellow-brown body was that of a small, underfed man, but its head! ...Its head was indisputably that of a suckling piglet, gazing out at us with the same serene ignorance of any butchershop hog.
VOMITOUS SQUAMATE
The sickly shape that was not wholly that of a crawling reptile, and yet, simultaneously, was neither quite that of you or I. How can one quantify in mere words the true obscenity of lizard and man occupying the same body? The thing itself seemed to have rejected its own existence, lying starved and sickly on its side, mewling from its almost turtle-like beak of a mouth.
DEGENERATED FOWL
If one has ever opened a bird's egg too early into its development, the pathetic appearance of the foetal avian is unmistakable. But though it is hardly a menacing creature, there is something all too shuddersome about its sudden, incongruous appearance in such unnatural surroundings.
THE UNSPEAKABLE TRUTH
It is with great apprehension that I impart such accursed knowledge, but I had obtained no less than twenty of these horrid beings in their mockingly inedible prisons, several of them worms, but the two despicable blasphemies I had first laid eyes upon in that merchant's Electronical Catalogue were nowhere to be found. This serpent-tailed reptilioid and shrieking beast-man are, at the time of this writing, still at large, and the implications of what else may remain unaccounted for are simply all too sinister on which to ruminate further.
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