TINY BOOTLEG SIRENHEAD PRESENTS:
UNAUTHORIZED SCP FOUNDATION MERCHANDISE
HA HA HA HA! I BET YOU WERE SUPER SCARED WHEN YOU SAW US HANGING OUT IN A REGULAR PARK LIKE YOU YOURSELF COULD IGNORANTLY ALSO HANG OUT AT, BUT TINY ILLEGAL BOOTLEG SIREN HEAD IS NOT DONE SCARING YOU AT ALL ACTUALLY. TODAY FOR INSTANCE WE BEHOLD A SAMPLING OF THE "S.C.P" (SCARY, CREEPY, PASTA, I THINK) ACTION PLAYTHINGS THAT ACCORDING TO MY UNDERSTANDING CAN BE PURCHASED ON THE INTERNET FROM THE INFAMOUS TRICKSTER, ALI BABA, NO DOUBT WITH THE NEFARIOUS ASSISTANCE OF ALL FORTY THIEFS. IF THAT MANY THIEFS AT ONCE DOES NOT CHILL YOUR SPINE TO THE BONE YOU ARE A FOOL OF THE HIGHEST MAGNITUDE.
PRESENTED HERE IS A SMALL PLASTIC "SCP-173 THE STATUE" WHICH IS ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF A DOUBLE CRIME SINCE THIS MANUFACTURER DID NOT RECEIVE PERMISSION FROM EITHER THE SCP WEB PAGE SITE OR THE SCULPTURE ARTIST IZUMI KATO. IT IS ALSO NOT REALLY SOLD BEARING A BURNING TORCH BUT IT IS DISPLAYED BRANDISHING SUCH WHICH IS A MOST FRIGHTFUL IMPLICATION INDEED. THE REAL LIFE SCP-173 THE STATUE JUST BREAKS SOME OF YOUR BONES WHEN YOU LOOK AWAY FROM IT (IMPORTANT ONES THAT CAUSE YOU TO BE DEAD!!!) BUT THIS ONE PRESUMABLY LIGHTS YOU ON FIRE.
THIS APPEARS TO REPRESENT
SCP-96 AS INTERPRETED BY THE VIDEOED COMPUTER GAME, "CONTAININGMENT BREACHED," YOU HAD BEST HOPE THAT IT IS NOT ACCURATE BECAUSE THIS IS THE SCP THAT GETS VERY UPSET WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT AND THEN GETS YOU.
TO DEATH. IF YOU PUT SCP 96 AND SCP 176 NEXT TO EACH OTHER YOU WILL NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO LOOK AT WITHOUT SEALING YOUR PATHETIC FATE.
OUR NEXT LIFE LIKE REPLICA IS THAT OF
SCP-106 THE OLD MAN. AS MONSTERS WE DO NOT USUALLY WORRY ABOUT GETTING OLD BUT LOOKING AT A OLD MAN IS PROBABLY QUITE FRIGHTFUL FOR YOU WHEN YOU REMEMBER YOU CAN ALSO GET OLD SOMETIMES AND THEN YOU WILL FORGET HOW TO BE NICE TO CUSTOMER SERVICE EMPLOYEES. THIS FATE IS DARK ENOUGH BUT SCP-106 THE OLD MAN ALSO DRAGS YOUR KIND INTO ANOTHER REALITY WHERE YOU DISSOLVE WHICH I THINK SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT IS ALSO A BAD TIME FOR ONE OF YOU. AT LEAST THEN YOU DO NOT GET SO OLD THAT YOU DRIVE YOUR CAR LIKE A IDIOT.
AH YES THE FEARED AND RENOWNED
SCP-999 THE TICKLE MONSTER, NO DOUBT 999 TIMES MORE TERRIFYING THAN WHATEVER SCP 1 WAS I FORGET. THIS MODEL APPEARS TO BE A "FAN'S ART" THAT ALI BABA'S DASTARDLY THIEFS HAVE RECREATED FOR PROFIT BUT ALLEGEDLY THIS FEARSOME ENTITY CAUSES UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER IN ITS HELPLESS VICTIMS. I AM TO UNDERSTAND THAT LAUGHTER IS ALSO WHAT A CLOWN DOES AND THAT A CLOWN IS ONE OF THE MOST SCARIEST THINGS YOU THINK THERE IS. I DON'T REALLY GET IT BUT WHATEVER INSTILLS TERROR UPON YOUR SOULS GETS MY MAXIMUM APPROVAL RATING WHICH IS 2 OUT OF 2 SIRENS, THE BEST NUMBER OF SIRENS BECAUSE IT IS THE NUMBER I HAVE ON MY SIREN HEAD.
WHAT? YOU SAY
SCP-131 THE EYE PODS IS NOT SCARY? THEY ARE "GOOD BOYS" WHO ARE THERE TO HELP? OKAY WELL IF THATS WHAT YOU WANT TO THINK GO AHEAD BUDDY WHATEVER HELPS YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT. I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU THINK A THING WITH A EYE IS SCARY QUITE FREQUENTLY. PERHAPS YOU ARE SIMPLY SO TRAUMATIZED BY THE REALIZATION THAT THESE WEIRD THINGS EACH HAVE A EYE, YOUR MIND CAN ONLY DEAL WITH IT BY DENYING THE GRIM REALITY. SUCH IS THE FOLLY OF YOUR WEAK NON-SIREN HEAD AND THE LOWLY THOUGHTS CONTAINED THEREIN.
SEE NOW
SCP-35 THE POSSESSIVE MASK IS A FIEND I UNDERSTAND. IT IS A MASK THAT OOZES STUFF THAT ROTS EVERY KIND OF THING (EVEN THINGS THAT WOULD NOT NORMALLY ROT!!!) AND IF YOU SEE IT YOU WILL WANT TO WEAR IT (EVEN IF YOUR VERY SMART!!!!) WHICH WILL MAKE YOU ROT TOO AND ALSO THE MASK CAN TALK AND IT LIES BAD. IT IS A CRIME GENIUS YOU COULD STAND TO LEARN FROM SO YOU ARENT SUCH A DOOR MAT ALL THE TIME. THIS PRODUCT INCLUDES AN ATTACHMENT THAT CAN HANG IT ONTO THE KINDS OF THINGS HUMANS CARRY ALL THE TIME, SUCH AS BACKED PACKS, BIKE CYCLES, A SKELETON, LUNCHES BOX, AND OF COURSE SIRENS IF YOU ARE SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT YOU SHOULD ACTUALLY ALWAYS HAVE A SIREN. PERHAPS WHEN YOU LOOK DOWN AT THIS REPLICA SCP-35 THE POSSESSIVE MASK YOU WILL REMEMBER ITS WISDOM AND FOLLOW ITS EXAMPLE IN YOUR DAY TO DAY LIFE.
OKAY SO HOLD ON A SECOND LETS THINK ABOUT THIS ONE. REALLY THINK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED HERE ALRIGHT. SO LIKE IMAGINE YOU ARE A SEA MAMMAL, ALRIGHT, JUST LIVING OUT YOUR SEA MAMMAL LIFE UNTIL YOU DIE AS PER THE PRIMORDIAL LAWS OF YOUR REALITY. OKAY. SO YOU DIE AND YOUR SEA MAMMAL BODY ROTS AND GETS ON A BEACH, RIGHT??? AND IT IS SO GROSS LOOKING THAT WHEN PEOPLE LOOK AT IT THEY CANNOT EVEN TELL WHAT IT WAS AND THEY JUST THINK ITS LIKE A
SCARY MONSTER. ACTUALLY YOU WERE A BELUNGA WHALE OR SOMETHING BUT ITS NOT IMPORTANT.
WHATS IMPORTANT IS YOU DIED AND YOUR DEAD GROSS BONES LANDED IN A WORLD YOU COULD NEVER BE A PART OF AND CAPTURED THE IMAGINATIONS OF ENTITIES WHOSE THOUGHTS ARE AS ALIEN TO YOU AS YOURS ARE TO THEM IN TURN. BECAUSE YOUR UGLY PUTRID DEAD FACE LOOKED LIKE A SCARY MONSTER SOMEONE PUT IT AS THE PICTURE FOR
SCP 682 THE LIZARD, A PIECE OF ELECTRONIC FICTION, WHICH IS AT LEAST TWO CONCEPTS YOU WERE NEVER CAPABLE OF EVER IMAGINING.
NOW I SHOULD MENTION THAT THIS LITERATURE NO LONGER USES THE SAME PICTURE WHICH IS PROBABLY SOME COPYRIGHT THING BUT IT USED THE PICTURE OF YOUR DECOMPOSING FACE FOR SO MANY YEARS THAT THERE ARE THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF THESE ALIEN CREATURES WHO ASSOCIATE YOUR REMAINS WITH THIS IMAGINARY CREATURE THEY MADE UP FOR A BIT OF FUN.
THEIR CHILDREN DRAW PICTURES OF THE CREATURE AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR DEAD BODY.
TO SOME OF THEM THIS IS THEIR VERY FAVORITE STORY THEY HAVE READ.
IT IS AT LEAST FAMOUS ENOUGH THAT NOW SOMEONE HAS MADE THIS ARTIFICIAL SMALL PLAYTHING WITH YOUR PUTRESCENT VISAGE, AN OBJECT THAT MAY VERY WELL BRING JOY TO ONE OF THESE LITTLE BEINGS YOU NEVER KNEW, COULD NEVER KNOW, AND WHO NEVER KNEW OR COULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN YOU.
THIS PLASTIC OBJECT COULD IN FACT PERSIST FOR MANY GENERATIONS OF THESE BEINGS. IT COULD OUTLIVE ANY MEMORY OF EVEN THE INTERNETS POST IT WAS INTENDED TO REFERENCE, PERHAPS PUZZLING THAT CHILD'S DISTANT DESCENDANTS. EVEN IF THEY WERE TO DISCARD IT, THE PLASTIC OBJECT COULD PERSIST FOR MANY CENTURIES LONGER THAN YOU EVER EXISTED.
PERHAPS EVEN YOUR ENTIRE SPECIES WILL BE GONE BEFORE THE LAST OF THESE ITEMS BREAK DOWN INTO PARTICLES AND WASH INTO THE DEEP BLUE WORLD IN WHICH YOU ONCE FOUGHT SO HARD FOR YOUR FLEETING SURVIVAL.
THIS LEGACY IS FRIVOLOUS IN THE EYES OF THE HUMAN SPECIES. JUST A TOY. JUST A TOY BASED ON A "WEB MEME." BUT IT IS SOMETHING THAT IRREVERSIBLY EXISTS ENTIRELY BECAUSE OF YOUR DEATH. IT IS A LEGACY AS INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO YOU AS COLOR TO THE SIGHTLESS BUT IT IS A LEGACY. HOWEVER DISTORTED IT MAY BE, YOUR DEATH HAS LEFT A MARK ON ANOTHER WORLD THAT MATTERS TO SOMETHING YOU CANNOT NAME.
BRRRR!!!! THATS KIND OF SPOOKY WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
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