Halloween at Joann's 2023:

THERE'S A SKELETON SEWING MACHINE

Written by Jonathan Wojcik

BUT FIRST: THIS MOTH

Yes, there really is a SKELETON SEWING MACHINE at Joann's this year, but HOLD YOUR HORSES! There's a couple of other things worth checking out, too! Like, check out this moth! A fairly realistic death's head hawkmoth as a two-dimensional metal wall decoration! It also apparently comes in a MUCH larger size, like over twelve to twenty inches across, or something like that, but unfortunately I've only seen that online, and already sold out by the start of the season. We sure do love our Lepidoptera this year!

FRAMED Moth

See?! Joann has a whole other moth thing, too! This is a more stylized, silvery metal looking hawkmoth with a "realistic" human skull thorax, perched in the middle of a framed picture of black tree branches in a foggy sky. Not bad, fairly cool and eerie, though I imagine a lot of mpeople might have wanted just the moth on its own!

Pumpkin Peeker

A cute little idea for a decoration, this is just part of a grinning pumpkin-headed guy, with a grimy bony skeletal hand and stitchy green jacket, sculpted so you can stick it to the edge of a wall or railing like he's "peeking" around! YIKES! Spooky!!! Don't peek around at us, YOU!!!!!

Skeleton on a Laptop

This is the second figure I've seen this year of a skeleton sitting on a toilet while also using some kind of electronic device, this time a laptop with another skull on it. This skeleton is also wearing nothing but a top hat with a rose on it, as you do in such a classy social situation. The toilet, also, appears to be built into a graveyard, right up against a tombstone! Whose unfortunate corpse is buried here? Or...is it this skeleton's OWN grave? Did this skeleton decide to turn its own grave into a bathroom? Actually, what waste does a skeleton even produce? Extra bones? Does its body just make extra bones and then it has to drop those off at the pool???? Is that what happens? I bet that's what happens. I just know it.

SKELEMOBILE

HAHA, BEEP BEEP YA JERKS GET OUTTA THE WAY!!! I freaking love this thing, oh my god, it's a resin statue of an old-timey looking car but it's absolutely overflowing with skulls. Skulls are completely filling its interior, skulls are bursting from its hood, there's one big huge giant skull up on the roof and a pair of long skeleton arms coming out of the windows. What the heck would you even do if you saw this driving around!? Get all scared I'll bet!!!!!

But surely not nearly as scared as....

THE SKELETON SEWING MACHINE

Oh my god. OH my god. I first saw these in a few tumblr posts, but I didn't find any in person until visiting a more distant Joann Fabrics. These are fake "sewing machines," as you can see, but made mostly of fake bone. The base is a life-size skeletal foot, but instead of a leg, a short spinal column sprouts up out of it. At the top of this is a femur sticking out horizontally, with the spools of thread attached to the top, and then it ends in a skull with the sewing machine's needle protruding out the bottom. It would of course be completely impractical as a sewing machine because the foot would prevent the fabric from lying flat, but this is an undead ghoul we're talking about! She isn't interested in mending your clothes properly at all! She said so! You noticed the "try me" button, right!? This abomination SPEAKS!

Direct Video Link

Yes, she threatens to sew YOU if you aren't careful! I don't know how she's going to unless she can move of her own volition, and deftly enough to get any part of you between her needle and her foot. Maybe she's flexible enough that she can hop around and kind of "clamp" herself onto her hapless victim, like a big bear trap, you know, and then she SEWS you! Oh no! That's great if you have a serious wound that needs suturing but she has yet to make ANY indication that she has any medical training nor even interest in doing anything helpful at all!!!